Cast list:
Bella : Samuel L Jackson
Bella's "Mom": Owen Wilson
Bella's Father: Ben Stiller
Jacob: Chris Farley
Edward: Nick Swardson
Edward's limo driver: Ryan Dunn
Edward's maid: Queen Latifa
Principal: Hulk Hogan
Bella's homeroom teacher: Mentok the Mindtaker
Bella is in a field of white roses, and is embraced by some hot mystery guy. He smiles at her, and pledges his undying love for her.
"I love you more than anything. I would kill my family for you. You're more beautiful than Snow White, Cinderella, Princess Jasmine, Ariel, and Queen Ursula all melded into one."
"Shut up and fuck me already, mother fucker!"
The mysterious guy laughs at Bella's forward attitude, and puts his face closer to hers. He slowly move his lips towards hers, but when their lips connect, she feels something hard and plastic. She opens her eyes to realize she's kissing her Justin Bieber action figure. Her mind clears, and she realizes that she was just having a dream.
"God damn! My pants are wet and my cootie itches!"
Bella is the main character of this story. Bella is a plain-looking Caucasian girl with brown hair. She's a very straightforward and headstrong girl, which sometimes turns other people away. However, very, very, very deep inside her rests a gentle soul who just wants someone to love her, I think. She gets up and changes her clothes for school. She leaves her room, but when she heads for the front door to leave the house, she hears her parents arguing.
"Why do I always have to be the woman? I want to be the man sometimes, too!"
"You're the woman because you look and act the most womanly between the two of us!"
"I think you're both little bitches!"
Bella shouts towards them, then leaves. She skips joyfully down the street while heading toward school. Luckily, she doesn't live far from school, so she can easily walk there.
"La-la-la-la-la mother fucker!"
Bella arrives at her school after a short walk. There's really no extraordinary aspects of the school other than the statue of the principal showing off his muscles. It's the beginning of the school after a long and enjoyable school break. She walks to her locker to put some of her things up, but she sees a note inside of it.
"Oh shit! Is someone confessing their love to me? I don't think my heart is ready!"
She opens the note to see only two words on it. The words read: "Black man". Bella will not tolerate someone insulting her girly image.
"Someone's gettin' their asses beat!"
Bella sees a group of girls giggling and looking at her. She quickly identifies them as the bullies, and walks over to them. There's about three girls, and they surround Bella when she walks to them. The leader smirks and starts speaking to Bella.
"So here's the ugly skank. You're gonna pay for sleeping with my boyfriend!"
"Is your boyfriend the little pussy with his initials tattooed on his ass? I didn't sleep with the little pussy! He passed out when I put my tongue down his throat!"
"You fucking bitch! Lets get her!"
When they start to grab her hair, she punches all three of them on the face. One of the girls was knocked on the ground, so Bella punts her in the stomach. Another girl is standing up, but she's dazed from that strong punch. Bella takes the girl's head, and repeatedly slams it in a locker. She stops when the door of the locker is covered in blood. When Bella is done with her, she looks for the leader, but she doesn't see her. She must have run away.
"What a bunch of pussies!"
Bella spits on the other two. She pays attention to her surroundings to see that a circle of spectators has formed around her. She scowls at them, and the group quickly disperses. A teacher walks up to her with a stern expression on his face.
"Fighting on the first day of school? Off to the principal's office with you! Else you face the wrath of the mind taker! Oooooiiiiiiioooooiiiii!"
The teacher makes weird hand gestures over his face while making those noises. Bella wants to punch the teacher, but she restrains herself. She walks to the principal's office as asked, and sits in front of his desk. The principal isn't in the office, but after waiting for only a minute, he walks in.
"What are you doing in my office, brother?"
"I'm not your god damn brother! I was sent here after beating the shit out of three bitches!"
"Ah, fighting in school. You shouldn't do that, brother! I'll give you a warning this time, but if I see it again, you're going to alternative school! What ya gonna do, when alternative school runs wild on you?"
The principal rips his shirt off, and sends Bella back to class. Bella heads to her homeroom class, which is still going on. She enters the room, and notices a guy sitting in her desk. She throws the guy out of her seat and sits down.
"You're late! No-one shall be late in my class! Oh, you're the girl I sent to the principal's office. Nevermind then!"
The teacher who sent her to the principal's office is her homeroom teacher. He's sitting Indian style while floating about 5 feet in the air. He then points at a fat guy in the room.
"You! Jacob! Stop thinking about fat girls and pay attention!"
"H-h-how did you know what I was thinking about?"
The teacher smiles proudly.
"Because I'm Professor Mentok The Mindtaker! I know everything! Oooooiiiiioooooiiiiii!"
The rest of the day passes by uneventfully. She decides to go to the park to smell the flowers for a little while. During her walk, she spots something very unusual. It's a man in a full suit of armor. He seems to be waiting for something. The guy caught Bella's attention, so she decides to talk to him.
"What kind of crazy mother fucker goes to a park in a suit of armor!"
"Eeeeek! You startled me! Don't speak so loudly!"
"I'll talk as loudly as I damn well please! Now answer my god damn question!"
"Uhhh...umm...I'm not too good with the sun, so I-"
"Speak up mother fucker!"
"I'm weak against the sun, so I have to wear this suit of armor outdoors!"
"I see! That's too bad!"
As Bella was about to continue her conversation, a large African American woman in a maid outfit hugs the man in armor around the neck.
"Come on, sugar. It's time for you to go home."
"Hey, pansy! What's your name?"
"My name's Edward. Edward Cullin. Please stop yelling at me."
"My name's Bella Swan! Remember it mother fucker!"
Edward is led to a limo. The driver of the limo seems to be enjoying some hard alcohol. When Edward and the maid get into the limo, the driver speeds off before letting them close the door, hitting a couple and a few animals along the way. Bella feels that this will be the start of a great new friendship. She feels fulfilled at her encounter, and decides to go home.
She heads straight to the kitchen to see what she can find to eat, since her parents are gone. She settles for a raw piece of steak, and eats it with her hands while heading to her room. She also chugs a gallon of milk on the way to her room. There's nothing for her to do, so she watches some girly shows on TV to pass the time, but eventually falls asleep. After some time, she wakes up with an intense urge to urinate.
"I've gotta piss like a fucking race horse!"
Bella runs to the bathroom, but notices her father banging the bathroom door. Her mother is on the other side of the door.
"I'm sorry I played with your mustache in public! I'll never do it again!"
"You never think about my feelings! I'm trying to be the best woman I can be for you, despite not wanting to, and you have to do something like that in front of everyone!"
"Let me use the fucking bathroom!"
"We're busy right now, Bella. Use the yard or something."
"God damn!"
Bella frustratedly goes outside and finds a good place to squat. While she's urinating, she hears a wolf howling near her. The noise is incredibly loud, and starts to get on her nerves. She gets up, puller her pants up, then she goes inside, grabs a baseball bat, and heads back outside. She walks to the source of the noise, and is a little surprised to see what's causing it. It's a werewolf about two feet taller than her. It seems to be howling at the house of a chubby girl who lives near her. Bella walks up to the werewolf and starts mercilessly beating it with the baseball bat.
"Shut the fuck up! Some people are trying to sleep, mother fucker!"
The werewolf struggles, but Bella's strength with the baseball bat is too much for it. Bella keeps beating the werewolf until it stops moving. Bella's satisfied with her handiwork and decides to head back to her house. Upon returning to her house, she realizes she was still peeing when she first got up to grab the baseball bat. Her pants are soaked.
"God damn!"
Bella's parents are still arguing through the bathroom door, and this time, she doesn't have the patience to wait.
"I've gotta take a fucking bath!"
Bella punches her father in the face, tears the bathroom door off, and kicks her mother out of the bathroom. Bella takes a bath to clean the urine on her legs, and changes her clothes. She notices her father's still knocked out in the hallway, so Bella puts her urine-stained panties over her father's head, then decides to go to bed, since it's pretty late. She thinks about all of the interesting people she met, and goes to sleep thinking about how her new school year will be more interesting than ever.
Chapter 1 end