Kurt couldn't take it. Not anymore. The fear. The hate. The sadness. It was too much now. He just wanted it all to go away. He wanted to go away.
Kurt sat alone in his dorm room at Dalton Academy. Dalton. Once, it was the only safe place he had left. Now, it wasn't safe anymore. Karofsky had found him. Kurt shuttered as he remembered how Karofsky had attacked and almost raped him in the back of the school just three weeks ago. The Warblers had heard him screaming and helped him, but it wasn't enough. Nothing was enough anymore. Nothing in the world was good anymore. The world hated people like Kurt. Why? He wasn't doing anything wrong. Was being attracted to boys killing anybody? Tears welled up in Kurt's eyes. Crying was a regular occurrence in Kurt's life now. He cried almost every night. He didn't know why. He was just so sad and angry at everything. He hated himself for being gay; it caused him nothing but misery. He had lost interest in everything. Blaine had been trying to get him to start being himself again.
Blaine.
His face came up in Kurt's mind. His caring hazel eyes. His perfect smile. His dark curly hair. Kurt let out a sob. He loved him. He loved Blaine. He had never felt that way toward anyone before.
' He doesn't love you back though.' Kurt thought, ' Especially not now. Now, you're a nervous, crying, angry person. No one wants you anymore. No one would care if you left Dalton. Hell, would anyone care if you were dead?'
The razor in Kurt's hand seemed to call to him, telling him to leave this messed up world behind and never deal with prejudice or ignorance again.
He could see his mom again.
Kurt almost didn't feel himself get up off of his bed. He walked toward the bathroom, razor still clutched in his hand. As he walked past his desk, he picked up his phone. He stared at it. He messed with a few buttons on it, and a text message from several months ago appeared.
COURAGE * * * Blaine
Courage. Look where that had gotten him. It got him kissed by a closeted psychopath and almost raped by said psychopath. He didn't want it anymore. He made the message disappear and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
The lights flickered on. Kurt looked at himself in the mirror and almost laughed at the reflection. An extremely pale face. Dark circles under red eyes. Messy hair. Kurt quickly looked away, not wanting to be reminded of who he used to be. That Kurt Hummel was a distant memory. This was his new reality.
Kurt sat down in the tile floor and stared at the razor.
' Its so easy. So easy to die' he thought.
Kurt said goodbye to his father, Carole and Finn in his head, adding that if there was a God, He would do Kurt at least one favor and watch over them, especially his dad. Kurt always worried about his heart. But, if Kurt were gone, his dad wouldn't have to worry about him all the time. This was a good deed he was going to do, right? He said goodbye to all of the New Directions kids; Mercedes, Artie, Quinn, Tina, Sam, Rachel, Puck, Santana, Brittany, and Mike. And Mr. Schu of course. They wouldn't miss him anyway. None of them had spoken to him after he was attacked. He said goodbye to the Warblers. Then it hit him.
Blaine.
His eyes filled up with tears again. He had wanted so much to let Blaine know how he truly felt about him. Sure, they had kissed a few times over the past few weeks, but Blaine never actually said that he loved Kurt. He didn't even say they were dating. Kurt knew he loved Blaine. He wanted to tell him, but that was never going to happen. It was too late now.
Kurt unbuttoned the left sleeve of his white uniform shirt and rolled it up to his elbow. Then, he saw his phone sitting beside him. He picked it up.
" I might as well. I'm never gonna see him again anyway..." Kurt said, texting one word to the boy he fell in love with the first time he held Kurt's hand.
Goodbye
Kurt set down his phone. He held the razor to the pale skin on his wrist. He hesitated for a second. He let every terrible thing that had happened in his life fill up his mind. Then, he took a deep breath.
He let the blade sink into his skin.
Pain went through him as he slowly dragged the razor along his wrist. He whimpered when he saw the blood run down his arm.
' It'll be over soon. It'll be all over...' Kurt cut again in the same place, still thinking of the worst things in his life. He was crying now. The pain was getting worse
' It's worth it... It's worth it' he kept telling himself.
More blood ran down his arm. He didn't care. He wanted this. He wanted the pain. It felt almost... good. Kurt cut himself again, digging the razor deeper and screaming at the overwhelming pain that coursed though him. He was shaking as the blood dripped off of his arm and onto the floor. He planned to die like this. He'd let himself bleed to death.
He hardly noticed the bathroom door being thrown open and a very terrified Blaine staring down at him.
Blaine's phone buzzed on his bedside table. He groaned sleepily, not wanting to move from the comfortable position he was in on his bed. He sat up anyway. He reached over to his phone and tapped the screen. The bright light made him squint, but he could see that he had gotten a text from Kurt. He smiled. He loved it when Kurt text messaged him. He always had something cute to say. Almost as cute as Kurt himself. He opened up the message, expecting a witty joke about something a celebrity was wearing on a red carpet. Instead, it was only one word. One word that made Blaine's blood go cold.
Goodbye
" Oh god no..." Blaine gasped. He jumped out of bed.
Blaine knew that Kurt was still shaken from the attack, but he never stopped to think that Kurt would be suicidal after all of the hell he had been through over the years. He should have noticed how Kurt kept pulling away from everything and everyone, the sad look in his eyes whenever Blaine asked how he was doing then saying that he was " just fine. Don't worry about me". Blaine mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. He knew that feeling all too well.
Blaine threw open the door of his dorm and raced down the hall towards Kurt's dorm. Before he opened the door, he listened. After about ten seconds, Blaine heard muffled whimpering. Then crying. Then moans of pain. Blaine quickly opened the door. He was surprised it wasn't locked. Blaine looked around the dorm. It was messy, not like Kurt at all. His Dalton blazer and tie were laying across a chair instead of in the closet where they should be. His bed wasn't made. Blaine noticed light coming from the closed bathroom door. Then, a scream erupted from inside the bathroom. Blaine rushed over to the bathroom door and opened it, also expecting it to be locked.
Blaine saw Kurt on his knees, hunched over, a large cut on his left wrist with blood running down his arm and holding a razor in his right hand. He was shaking and making little whimpering noises. The sight of Kurt like this killed Blaine on the inside.
Kurt made a move to cut himself again. Blaine rushed forward and snatched the razor out of Kurt's hand and tossed it out of his reach. Kurt stared up at him, his eyes red and teary. Blaine stared down at Kurt, his heart breaking a thousand times.
" Kurt... what-" Blaine started to say, but Kurt just broke down.
Kurt shook even more with every sob. Blaine quickly got down on his knees, also grabbing a small towel. He gently took Kurt into his arms. He let Kurt cry into his chest. Blaine ran a hand through Kurt's hair. Although messy, it was still like silk in Blaine's fingers. Blaine took Kurt's wrist and wrapped the towel around it, applying pressure to the cut to stop the bleeding.
Kurt never wanted Blaine to let go of him. He gripped Blaine's shirt like his life depended on it, because it probably did.
Blaine was the only light in Kurt's life. The only thing that made sense.
" Why, Kurt?" Blaine said after Kurt had calmed down a bit.
Kurt stiffened in Blaine's arms.
" 'Cause my life is a joke." Kurt said in a low, broken voice.
Blaine had to hold back tears.
" Why?"
" Because no one likes me any more. Because the world hates people like me... people like us... I'm tired of it... I want it to go away..."
" Kurt, no one hates you."
" Yes they do. I thought I was loved... Now, now even my closest friends have stopped talking to me. God, Blaine, MERCEDES won't talk to me anymore..." Kurt choked out. He started crying again.
" Shh" Blaine comforted Kurt, rubbing his back, " You are loved, Kurt."
Kurt shook his head, not believing Blaine.
" Kurt, your family loves you. Your dad and step-mom gave up their honeymoon for you to come here so you could be safe."
" Th-they wasted their money. I'm not safe anymore..."
" No one knew that would happen."
" Well, it DID Blaine! Now I'm more screwed up than ever..." Kurt's sobs got harder.
Blaine held him tighter.
" I- I just wanna die... I hate this life. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..." Kurt said through his tears.
" Kurt, you have no idea how much more love is in the world than there is hate. Please, your friends love you. They care about you and would never do anything to hurt you... I care about you, Kurt..." Blaine paused. Something came up in his mind. Something that he should have said to Kurt a long time ago. He thought he knew what his feelings for Kurt were when Kurt sang Blackbird a few weeks ago. What he had said was true, but now he knew there was something else. Something true and real. It burned in his heart like a passionate fire. That something was the reason he felt complete whenever he was with Kurt. The reason he wanted to take Kurt into his arms and comfort him in front of the Warblers when Pavarotti died. The reason he felt like his entire body would explode when their lips touched for the first time.
Blaine needed to say it. Now. It may be his last chance to say it.
" Kurt, I love you. More than anything. I- I love you."
Kurt stopped crying. He couldn't think. He couldn't breath. He looked up at Blaine with wide eyes. Blaine nodded, brushing his fingers over Kurt's cheek. He leaned in and lightly kissed Kurt's forehead. Tears started running down Blaine's face.
" Please... please don't do this to yourself. If I lost you, I- I don't know what I would do..." Blaine whispered, his voice strained.
Kurt pulled Blaine close and started crying, but it was more whimpering than full out sobbing. He wrapped his arms around Blaine. They held each other. They cried together. Blaine gently rocked Kurt back and forth, running his hand through the younger boy's hair.
Kurt felt his left arm rub against Blaine's back. Sharp pain went through him. He moaned, digging his fingers into Blaine's back. Blaine pulled away from Kurt. He took Kurt's left arm and looked at it. The blood had soaked through the towel.
" Come here." Blaine helped Kurt stand up.
Kurt felt light headed when he stood. He swayed a little. Blaine held him up and led him over to the edge of the bathtub. He had Kurt sit down and carefully unwrapped the blood soaked towel. The cut wasn't very deep, but it wasn't shallow either. Luckily, the bleeding had stopped. Nevertheless, Kurt would have a scar for the rest of his life.
" Oh, Kurt..." Blaine murmured, shaking his head. Kurt groaned. The smell of blood was making him dizzy.
Blaine tossed the soiled towel into the trashcan and got a washcloth. He wet it in the sink and went back to Kurt's side. He knelt down and took Kurt's hand, asking him to straighten his arm. Kurt didn't respond. He had a dazed look in his eyes. Blaine reached up and touched Kurt's pale face.
" Kurt?"
No response.
Blaine gently pulled Kurt's arm until it was straight. He started to clean off the blood that had run down Kurt's arm. Blaine glanced over at the razor that he had tossed across the bathroom. It glistened with blood. Unwanted memories flooded into Blaine's mind.
" Suicide is not the answer. You know that."
" You have no idea..." Kurt almost growled.
" You'd be surprised." Blaine said calmly.
" No, Blaine. You don't know what it's like. Not this time. The feeling of being alone forever. Not having anyone understand the hell you're going through. I don't know what else to do. Dying sounds like a pretty good idea right now. I think I'd be doing the world a favor. One less gay kid to hate..."
" Hey, Kurt don't say that. Trust me when I say that I actually do know how you feel."
Kurt shook his head, fresh tears falling from his eyes.
Blaine sighed. He needed to tell him. No, he needed to show him.
" Kurt, look at me." Blaine said, wrapping the washcloth around Kurt's wrist.
Kurt ignored him.
" Kurt, please. Look at me."
Kurt sighed. He couldn't refuse Blaine. He turned his head towards Blaine.
Blaine started to roll his long sleeves up his arms. Kurt gasped.
Scars. All over Blaine's arms.
" Oh my god... Blaine, wha-"
" I was 15. Before I came to Dalton, I was a wreck. I got tormented by these goddamn jocks every single day. Eventually, I was convinced that everyone at my old school was out to get me. My parents didn't understand. They didn't take it very well when I came out to them, and didn't care that I was getting more and more depressed and angry. The bullying kept getting worse, and I started to isolate myself, pushing everyone away," Blaine's words seemed to get caught in his throat, " One night, when my parents and sister were out of the house, I locked myself in the bathroom. Then, I texted my sister, Melanie, saying the same thing you texted to me."
Kurt's eyes started to tear up again.
" I wanted the pain. I wanted to die. I felt like the world would be better off without me. I just kept cutting. I heard Melanie come back into the house. She banged on the door. She was crying, begging me to open it... She found a key, but-" Blaine was trying not to cry, " I- I was almost dead when she opened the door."
Kurt grabbed Blaine's hand. It was shaking.
" Blaine... I- I'm sorry..."
" Me too." Blaine sniffed and wiped the tears away from his eyes.
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours. Kurt still held Blaine's hand, not wanting to let go. Blaine rubbed his thumb over Kurt's hand in rhythmic circles, feeling his soft skin.
He was in love with this boy. He would do anything for him. He wanted to just hold him and never, ever let him go. He might loose him if he did.
Kurt's mind was overloaded with emotions.
Blaine loves him.
But the world hates people like him.
He wants to die.
Blaine makes him want to live.
The world makes no sense.
Blaine makes all the sense in the world.
Blaine loves him.
Blaine hated Kurt looking so broken. He looked up at him. Their eyes met, blue-green connecting with dark hazel. Blaine reached up with his free hand and wiped away a stray tear from Kurt's face.
" Come on..." Blaine stood up, pulling Kurt up with him.
" Wh-where are we going?" Kurt asked, feeling the dizziness come back.
" Out of this depressing bathroom." Blaine put his arm around Kurt's shoulder and walked him out of the bathroom. Kurt stumbled a bit, clinging onto Blaine's shirt.
Blaine led Kurt out of the bathroom, turning off the light and closing the door behind them, leaving the bloody razor in darkness.
Blaine and Kurt made their way toward Kurt's bed. After sitting Kurt down on the bed, Blaine turned on the lamp on the bedside table. Blaine then sat down next to Kurt. Kurt had that dazed look again. Blaine placed a hand on Kurt's knee and squeezed gently.
" You ok?"
Kurt slowly shook his head, not looking at Blaine. Blaine reached over and took Kurt's unharmed hand.
" You will be. It's going to be ok."
Kurt was about to deny it, but sudden pain in his wrist stopped him.
" Ahhhh... holy crap..." Kurt moaned, bending over and grabbing at the washcloth around his wrist.
Blaine took Kurt around the waist and had him sit up. He carefully unwrapped the wet washcloth. Blood had started to slowly flow out of the cut.
" Do you have a fist-aid kit? Bandages? Anything?" Blaine said, a bit of panic in his voice.
" Bathroom. Closet. Top shelf." Kurt gasped
Blaine quickly got off the bed and went into the bathroom. Kurt panicked for a moment when Blaine left his side. He suddenly felt very vulnerable. Very alone. He was almost shaking when Blaine came back with a blue box in his hands. Blaine sat down next to Kurt and opened the box. He searched through it until he came across a roll of bandages. He unrolled some of it and started to firmly wrap it around Kurt's wrist, apologizing every time Kurt winced or said " ow". Once he had finished wrapping up Kurt's wrist, Blaine had Kurt lay down on the bed to stop the dizziness. Kurt rolled onto his side and curled up into a fetal position, shaking a bit. Blaine still sat on the edge of the bed, watching the younger boy.
" Blaine..." Kurt said softly.
" Yeah?"
"... Don't leave. Please, please don't leave." Kurt said, glancing over at Blaine with watery eyes. He was scared. He didn't want to be alone.
Blaine crawled over to Kurt and laid down next to him. He took Kurt's trembling hands in his.
" I won't. I promise."
Kurt moved closer to Blaine, into his embrace. He felt safe in Blaine's arms. Like nothing could happen if he just stayed there. As Blaine held him, Kurt felt the extreme physical and emotional exhaustion take over his body. His eyes wanted to close, but he was afraid to let them. What if Blaine left while he slept? Kurt tried to force himself to keep his eyes open, but he was failing. Blaine noticed this silent battle Kurt was having.
" You should sleep." he said.
" I... I'm fine. I don't need-"
" Shhh. You need to sleep. It's ok, I'm not going anywhere."
Kurt relaxed a little in Blaine's arms. Blaine was so warm. The material of Blaine's pajama shirt was soft on Kurt's cheek, and he kept inhaling a scent that was simply Blaine . He let the drowsiness come. The steady beating of Blaine's heart relaxed him more. As Kurt closed his eyes, Blaine started stroking his hair and murmuring soothing things to him, further lulling him into sleep
Almost immediately, Kurt fell asleep. Blaine studied his face. Kurt looked calm and peaceful. Angelic almost, if it weren't for the dark rings under his eyes obscuring his near perfect complexion. Blaine smiled a bit. Without disturbing Kurt, he reached over and turned off the lamp. The darkness that followed was softly lit by the moon outside the window. Blaine went back to stroking Kurt's hair, softly humming a tune to the sleeping boy.
' Just like Lanie did with me...' Blaine mused, thinking of the lyrics of the song he was humming,' Baby, you're not alone...'
After a while, Blaine started to nod off. Before he let himself fall asleep, Blaine kissed the top of Kurt's head, whispering " I love you" into his ear. He would never get tired of saying that.
Blaine fell asleep with Kurt in his arms. It felt right. It felt perfect...
Kurt was running down a dark ally, trying to get away. The cold air burned in his lungs. He ran as fast as he possibly could. It didn't do any good. He caught up to Kurt, pushing him down onto the pavement.
" I warned you Hummel... now your gonna pay." He growled, starting to hit and kick Kurt.
Kurt couldn't understand how Karofsky found him. Again. He thought the psycho had been put away forever. He tried to see if anyone had passed by as he was being beaten. No one came.
He was alone.
" This is for telling on me to the school..." BAM. Karofsky kicked him hard in the ribs.
" This is for getting me locked up..." BAM BAM. Kurt felt the fists collide with his face.
" Please... stop..." Kurt gasped, blood dripping out of this mouth and nose.
" And this..." Karofsky roughly grabbed Kurt's shoulders and pushed him up against the wall, a look of anger mixed with sick lust in his eyes, " This is for having a nice ass."
Karofsky's mouth was on Kurt's. Kurt tried to pull away from him, trying to scream, but no sound came out. Karofsky took this advantage and shoved his tongue into Kurt's mouth. He pressed his hips onto Kurt's, grinding into him.
No.
This wasn't happening. Not again. Please, not again.
Kurt was terrified. Tears were streaming down his face as he tried to push Karofsky away. Suddenly, Karofsky had a gun pointing at Kurt's head.
" Don't move or I'll kill you."
Kurt froze. How the hell did he get a gun? Karofsky sneered down at Kurt. He started to grind on Kurt again, gun still pointed at Kurt's head. He made Kurt accept every kiss.
Kurt knew this was it. Karofsky was going to kill him anyway after he got what he wanted. Suddenly, Karofsky's hand was in Kurt's pants, stroking him roughly.
NO. He was NOT allowed there. He could kiss Kurt all he wants, but he was NOT allowed to touch him like that.
" STOP!" Kurt was able to cry out finally.
Kurt saw someone in the corner of his eye. The person was running towards Kurt and his attacker.
" GET AWAY FROM HIM!" the person yelled.
Kurt knew that voice. He'd never been happier to hear it.
" Blaine!"
Karofsky whipped around.
" Not this time, pretty boy." Karofsky said, pointing the gun at Blaine.
Kurt gasped.
BANG BANG BANG
Blaine fell to the ground, his chest and Dalton blazer covered in blood. He looked shocked.
" No..."
" Kurt... I- I'm s-sorry" Blaine whispered.
He was dead.
" NO! NO! BLAINE!" Kurt screamed, jerking away from Karofsky and running towards Blaine's lifeless body. A hand grabbed his shirt and pulled him back to the wall.
" Awww I'm sorry, was that your boyfriend? He's gone now. You're not his. You're mine. I can have you all to myself..."
" No! No no no no no... stop..."
Karofsky was touching Kurt again, violating him in every way possible.
Kurt was done for. Finished. He had nothing to live for.
" Kurt... Kurt wake up."
Kurt let Karofsky have his way with him.
What was the point of fighting?
The last good thing Kurt had in his life was gone.
His world was gone.
He was truly alone now.
All alone.
" Kurt! God, please wake up!"
Blaine woke up when he felt Kurt's body shaking and randomly jerking beside him. The boy's face was sweaty and tears were coming out of his tightly closed eyes. He was panting and murmuring things Blaine couldn't hear. He let out a soft scream. Blaine knew that this was a nightmare Kurt was having. A bad one from the looks of it.
" No..." Kurt whimpered, gripping the blankets.
Blaine gently shook Kurt's shoulder. Kurt let out a louder scream when Blaine touched him.
" No! No no no no no... stop..."
Blaine pulled back his hand. This was bad. Kurt wasn't waking up.
" Kurt... Kurt wake up." Blaine said, shaking Kurt's shoulder again.
Kurt's breathing was ragged and sharp as he tried to pull away from Blaine. He thrashed around on the bed, his screaming getting louder.
" Kurt! God, please wake up!" panic rose in Blaine's voice.
Kurt's eyes shot open as he suddenly sat up. He looked terrified, as if he didn't know where he was. He sat frozen for several seconds, then his breath quickened.
" Kurt...?" Blaine said cautiously. He sat up as well.
Kurt started shaking. His breathing got faster and the tears started flowing again.
" He's -gasp- after me..." Kurt managed to get out before bursting into uncontrollable sobs.
" Hey, hey, shhhhhh..." Blaine pulled Kurt to his chest.
" H- he was... was h-hit-hitting me... then- then... he- he wouldn't stop touching..." Kurt cried into Blaine's shirt.
" It's ok... you're ok..." Blaine said, trying to calm down Kurt by stroking his hair.
Blaine didn't know what to do. He was usually the one waking up from a nightmare. Kurt was shaking violently, heaving out ugly sobs and gasping for air at the same time.
" Kurt, shhhhh, baby... it's ok."
" He- he KILLED you!" Kurt almost screamed.
Blaine immediately shushed him, holding him closer.
" It was only a bad dream. I'm here... it's ok."
Kurt was getting hysterical. It didn't take Blaine long to figure out who " he" was.
" He's never coming near you again... I won't let him. You're safe now."
Blaine let Kurt cry everything out of his system, all the while soothing him with comforting words. Kurt had started to hyperventilate and Blaine had to tell him to " Breathe, Kurt. Just breathe". He wasn't sure how he got there, but Blaine was laying against the headboard of Kurt's bed with Kurt's legs in his lap, still comforting him and holding him close. After a while, Kurt's terrible sobs and gasps changed into little whimpers. He was so afraid that he had lost Blaine forever, and also that Karofsky... Kurt started to get worked up again when he thought of what that neanderthal had done to him, both in his nightmare and what he had done to him in real life. He clung onto Blaine.
" I'm scared..." Kurt whispered.
" I know. It's ok."
"... No. No it's not ok."
Blaine held Kurt's hand. Kurt winced when he did this, as Blaine was accidentally holding the hand that had the cut. The sharp pain reminded Kurt of what he had done just a few hours ago.
" Why...? Why did I do this?" Kurt asked no one in particular, staring down at the red-brown blotch on the bandage.
Blaine was holding Kurt's other hand now.
" Because, like you said, you're scared. You think that your friends have stopped talking to you because of what happened, and it's hurting you and making you angry. You've gotten into the mind set that no one would be affected by your death. You won't talk to anybody about what's going on because you're scared of not being understood."
" Not helping..."
" Kurt, you do realize that none of that is true, right? If you were gone, think of all the people who would be so sad and hurt. Think of your dad, Kurt. Think of you're whole family. Think of how much you would hurt them."
Kurt started to softly cry again when Blaine said this.
" Oh, Jesus. Don't cry, Kurt! It's ok..."
Blaine let Kurt rest his head on his shoulder. They sat together in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the only sound coming from them being Kurt's soft whimpers. Blaine started to stroke Kurt's hair, which seemed to calm Kurt down. He sighed contently. Blaine was confused at this. Kurt never let anyone near his hair on a normal day, especially if he were upset, but Blaine continued the motion. After Kurt had stopped crying completely, Blaine braced himself for another wave as he started to talk to Kurt.
" Do you want to talk about it? The dream, I mean."
Kurt took a sharp breath.
" No... yes...I don't know." Kurt mumbled.
Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand.
" It'll make you feel better if you talk it out."
Kurt hesitated before he told Blaine what happened in the nightmare, but soon let everything come out. Blaine had to hold back tears when Kurt told how Karofsky had sexually assaulted him again, wondering what cruel God would make Kurt have a nightmare like this after all that had happened tonight. He was even more upset with the " Dream Gods" when Kurt told about watching him get shot and killed.
"... then I tried to run to you, but- but he held me back, saying that he could have me all to hims-self. I- I let him ra- do things to me... I couldn't stop him. My body wasn't listening to me. I... oh God..." Kurt buried his face into Blaine's shirt and started to cry again, even though he didn't have much strength left in him. Blaine pulled him close again.
" Kurt, it's alright... you're gonna be-"
" Don't say it."
" What?"
" Just don't." Kurt said in an almost pleading voice.
This almost brought Blaine to tears. Kurt sounded so hurt and so lost.
' It's not true... I'll never be ok.' Kurt's stormy thoughts said.
" But you will be. You'll be ok." Blaine said softly, somehow answering Kurt's thoughts.
" Stop... I won't be. I've screwed up my life. I don't want to live in it anymore."
Kurt's words cut into Blaine like a knife. These were almost the exact same words that he had said when he was in Kurt's situation. He gently took Kurt's face in his hands and lifted his head off of his shoulder. He looked into Kurt's eyes. The blue-green color Blaine loved so much now looked dull and tired. They still captivated Blaine though, even in the moonlight that was streaming through the window. As he looked at the boy he loved, he struggled to find just the right words to say to him.
" Will... will you listen to me if I say something?"
Kurt looked into the dark hazel that was Blaine's eyes. He looked so sincere. So loving. Kurt nodded slowly.
" I want you know that you will be ok."
Kurt opened his mouth to argue, but Blaine pressed a finger to his lips.
" Wait, I'm not done. You'll be ok because you aren't alone in this. You have an entire system of people who would drop everything to help you. You have me, the guy who would do anything for you. You are stronger than this, Kurt. You are the strongest person I've ever met, and the only way that you won't be ok is if you keep saying that you won't be."
Blaine took his finger away from Kurt's lips. Kurt's eyes started to fill with tears and, from what Blaine could see, a ghost of a smile appeared on his face.
" Can you promise me something?" Blaine asked, brushing away a tear that ran down Kurt's face.
" What's that?"
" Tomorrow is Saturday, so you can go back home for the weekend. I want you to promise me that you'll tell your family what happened tonight." Kurt started to shake his head when Blaine said this.
" No... no I can't. I can't. My dad, Blaine. His heart, he can't take it." Kurt stuttered.
" He'll take it even harder if he hears it from someone else and not you. Trust me Kurt, he'll want to help you. You need to tell him. And Carole and Finn."
" I can't..."
" Yes you can."
Kurt took Blaine's hands away from his face and laid his head on Blaine's shoulder again, pushing his face into the crook of Blaine's neck and muttering another " no". He didn't want anyone to worry about him. He survived getting attacked, and he could survive this.
He could take care of himself. He had to. He'd been doing it for nine years.
" Don't push them away, Kurt. Don't push me away either." Blaine's voice was soft but firm. A hand started to stroke his hair again.
The feeling brought back memories to Kurt. Good, but sad ones. Kurt felt Blaine kiss his hair.
" Please, Kurt, let me help you. You can't do this by yourself." Blaine half whispered.
" I- I can't. I just... I..." Kurt mumbled. He made a soft whimpering sound.
" Why?"
" I'm scared. Scared that they won't un-understand why I did it."
Blaine thought for a long moment, still running his finger's through Kurt's hair.
" Do you want me to go with you?" Blaine asked.
Kurt lifted up his head from Blaine's shoulder, looking surprised and somewhat relived.
" You'd do that?"
" Of course I would. That doesn't mean that I'm going to do all the talking though. This is your battle to win. And they'll understand the best that they can."
Kurt nodded and seemed to understand. He looked at Blaine and their eyes met. Without thinking, Kurt leaned forward and touched his lips to Blaine's. It was like their first kiss; innocent, but with undeniable passion only two people in love could have. Blaine deepened the kiss just a bit, feeling a sensation about a million times better than fireworks. Kurt felt the same thing and didn't even notice that tears had started to run down his face. He cupped Blaine's cheek with his hand as he pulled away slowly, touching his forehead to Blaine's.
" Thank you. For... for everything." he whispered as more tears ran down his face and dripped off of his chin.
" You don't need to thank me. I love you." Blaine whispered back.
" I love you too." Kurt made a small smile. It was the most he had smiled in weeks.
Blaine noticed the sleepiness in Kurt's face. He carefully moved his legs out from underneath Kurt's and laid down.
" We should go back to sleep, Kurt." Blaine said, noting that Kurt's digital clock read 4:15 AM.
Kurt's small smile vanished and a glint of fear shone in his eyes.
" I'll- I'll have another nightmare."
" I'll be right here if you do." Blaine opened his arms for Kurt. Kurt went into his embrace again. Tears were still running down the younger boy's face as Blaine held him.
" Hey now, no more tears. I think we've both cried enough for one night." Blaine said. He tilted up Kurt's face and wiped away the tears.
Kurt made a humming sound as a response, his eyes starting to close. He snuggled in closer to Blaine, but Blaine suddenly sat up. Kurt felt the panic sneak back into his body at the sudden absence of Blaine being so close. Then, Blaine was back next to him, pulling a blanket over Kurt and himself.
" We'll talk in the morning, then we'll go to your parents house." Blaine said, more to himself than to Kurt. He put his arms around Kurt's slim body and held him close.
Blaine thought back to just hours ago. What if he hadn't seen the text message? Also, if he hadn't woken up, Kurt would be...
" Please promise me something else." Blaine's voice wavered
" What?" Kurt asked.
" No matter what sort of crap you're going through, don't ever hurt yourself like that again. Please. I can't... I just can't hand- handle..." Blaine struggled to get the words out. Suddenly, all of the emotions he had kept mostly under control decided to come out in the form of tears. He started to cry softly.
Kurt got his hands out from under the blanket, his fingers brushing against the scars on Blaine's arms. He wiped away Blaine's tears.
" Shhhh... no more tears, remember?" Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine's curly hair. He had never seen Blaine cry. Not like this. It was like the kind of cry that you wouldn't hear out of someone like Blaine; sad, scared, almost weak. Now, it was Kurt's turn to be the strong one.
" I- I just... I can't lose you. P-pl-please..." Blaine's crying got a little harder.
Kurt took full advantage of his height ( he was a full two inches taller than Blaine) and scooted up closer to the headboard of his bed, pulling Blaine closer to him
" Blaine, don't. Don't cry. I'm sorry... I'll try, ok? That's- that's the best I can promise right now." Kurt gently rubbed Blaine's back with his right hand, keeping his other bandaged hand out of contact with anything.
" Shhhhh, Blaine. It's alright. Please don't cry."
" S-s-sorry... I'm sorry..."
" It's alright. It's alright. We're gonna be ok. It's gonna be ok." Kurt whispered as he kissed Blaine's forehead.
Kurt held Blaine for a few minutes, waiting for him to calm down and talk coherently. He kept on murmuring " It's ok" to Blaine, the words that he didn't believe in after everything that had happened in his life. But now, they sort of started to get into his head, repeating over and over again. They started to make more sense.
" I'm sorry. I didn't mean to start crying all over you..." Blaine murmured, having calmed down enough.
" Don't apologize. It's alright." Kurt said.
" But really, do you promise to never ever do that again?" Blaine looked up at Kurt, his eyes slightly tinged red.
" I said I would try, Blaine. I think its too early for me to make any promises. But I will try as hard as I can."
Blaine nodded, understanding that his request was a little unrealistic. No one can bounce back that fast.
" That's fine, Kurt," Blaine said, moving his hands up to Kurt's face. He looked into those eyes again, getting lost in them, " I just don't want to see you hurt."
" I know."
Kurt felt Blaine slip his arms around his waist, feeling the older boy's fingers lightly stroke his back.
" I love you. Don't ever forget that." Blaine said. He planted a small kiss on Kurt's lips.
" I love you too."
Kurt sank down onto his pillow and closed his eyes, feeling sense of hope. Something he hadn't felt in a long time.
Blaine snuggled in closer and started to close his eyes, but caught sight of Kurt's left hand. It was tucked in under his chin, keeping it away from contact. The bandage had a large brown stain on it. It reminded him of himself two years ago, but there were much more bandages and the only color on them was bright red. Blaine quickly pushed that memory away and replaced it with another. It was of his sister sitting beside him on the hospital bed, softly singing a song that she had written for him. The lyrics and the tune came into Blaine's head. He smiled to himself, thinking that he should sing this to Kurt soon.
' Baby you're not alone
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down
'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you
And you know it's true
It don't matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need
To make it through'
Kurt and Blaine felt fast asleep within minutes. They both felt safe.
They both knew that even if the entire world turned it's back on them, they would never be alone.
They had each other, and that was enough.