Author's Note: Wow. Victorious fandom. So much has happened in the short time that I was busy :o
Anyway. Saw the second promo for Tori Goes Platinum. Fun stuff. Not sure what to think about the maybe kiss :] Except, you know, write about it. Although, the drama bomb that that caused was insane. Oh man. I love this fandom! Dan Schneider, Destroyer of Fangirl Emotions. You are the troll to my Bade bridge. :]
Btw, none of this makes sense. Jade says as much. Seriously. Mostly because I should have gotten off my laptop hours ago. But I wrote this instead. I hope it's okay. :/
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the perils of waiting in vain
...
Someone somewhere once said that time will heal all wounds. She hopes to the being who put the stars in the sky for her to wish on that someday soon, this Beck-shaped scar inside of her will think to mend itself. It's a long shot, she knows, seeing as how her dad-shaped scar has yet to relieve itself of its gaping emptiness. So who knows how long it'll take for her to be okay?
Sometimes, especially during the night, she wonders if she should have opened the door. She already had her hand on the handle. It was just a matter of turning it. Pushing it open. Admitting that there was something wrong. Would it have been that simple? Would they still be together if she had been the one to take action? It's exactly one hundred days after the breakup and those ten seconds just keep replaying in her head. She thinks, a lot of things can happen in a span of ten seconds. An accident. A laugh. Robbie bursting into tears. Falling in love. Her heart shattering into too many pieces. But ten seconds is not enough time to get over someone. It's not enough time to pick up the pieces of a broken heart.
Sad truth: 100 days times 4 hours a day times 60 minutes per hour times 60 seconds per minute equals 1,296,000 seconds that she has spent thinking of her ex-boyfriend. A sadder truth? It's probably—no, definitely— a lot more than just that.
Beck was...
Beck. He is...
(This isn't going to make make any sense, okay?)
.
She will always love him the most.
Fuck.
.
She wants to be okay. She just wants to be fine. The perfectionist in her is sobbing at this stab at mediocrity because she's always favored the extremes. Terrifyingly angry. Disgustingly sad. Absurdly happy.
(And he did make her happy. But she won't let him have the satisfaction of knowing that.)
It's embarrassing, honestly. Because she's better than this cesspool of rotten emotions. She's better than those sniveling and insipid girls who cry endlessly over their stupid boyfriends. The ones that closet themselves away and the ones that let themselves go. She's better than all that and yet here she is... Waiting. Waiting for that someday when she won't have to keep thinking about her own stupid ex-boyfriend. Waiting to feel all right.
Waiting for the end of this overwhelming loneliness.
But Jade is rapidly coming to the realization that when you wait for something to end, it feels like you're waiting forever. And Jade hates waiting. Among other things.
When it does end, she's hoping to find apathy. To not feeling anything. To just be... normal? It's wretched that she has sunk this low. Such subpar standards that she wishes with all the pieces of her broken heart to achieve. But the ache inside her is so close to unbearable now and she knows that a little more, just the tiniest bit more and she will break completely. Splinter. Fall apart. Shatter. Instantly. Efficiently. Effectively.
(And she won't need ten seconds. It'll just take one.)
The possibility of that moment coming before she can get over him, scares her.
.
So. Tori and Beck kissed. Again. And there wasn't an audience. So. This wasn't just for show.
She finds out from Berf who heard from Sinjin who was eavesdropping on Cat when Robbie told her about Andre's news on Beck's confession. She doesn't know why Berf is the one telling her this because there are at least two other people who are better suited in that chain of conversations. But there he is, shifting from one foot to the other, eyes trained on the floor and saying things like if he were her he'd want someone to tell him these things and how like in the second grade everyone was laughing at him because his breath stank and no one would tell him.
And really, this should be humiliating because she's hearing this from Berf of all people. And angry. She should feel angry. Seething. Outraged. Calling forth the demon lords of the underworld to help fire her already blazing fury.
She doesn't feel anything, though. Just this dull throb where her heart is supposed to be.
So.
She closes her locker, ignores Berf, and fires a text to Cat telling her that she's skipping class for the rest of the afternoon. All the while wondering if this is what okay feels like.
(She can get used to this.)
.
She's almost not surprised to see Tori standing at her front door Sunday morning with an I'm Sorry cake in her hands. Jade's not about to pass up free cake so while the agitated brunette paces the length of her kitchen, she pretty much bulldozes through the chocolate goodness. Tori apologizes profusely, claiming that she wasn't thinking, that she got carried away and blahblahblah.
The chocolate is gone and Jade tosses her fork into the sink and the cake box into the waste basket. 'Okay, you can go now,' she informs Tori. 'You know the way out.'
'Wait. Aren't you mad?'
She doesn't even have to think about it. 'No.'
'Sure?'
Jade rolls her eyes at Tori's worried expression. 'Just go, Vega.'
'Because if you want to, like, hit me... I mean, even if it hurts, it's okay.'
'Go away!'
'Or maybe a little push if that'll make you feel better?'
'I'm not mad!'
'Are you sure?'
'GO!'
.
Jade thinks about what being strong mean. Does it mean not letting your feelings show? Or does it mean being brave enough to let it all out? Either way, it doesn't really matter. Because she's run out of feelings and all she feels now is nothing.
But Beck...
You see, from the moment she's known Beck he has always tried her patience. He demands her attention, makes sure her eyes are always on him whether what he's doing is making her stomach flutter or her gut twist. People think that she was the drama queen in the relationship, the one who wanted all the attention to herself. But Beck was worse in that he did it so very artfully that no one even noticed. She did, though. But that was mostly because she loved him.
(Loves?)
So really, she should have seen this coming. And... she kind of misses being dragged into the janitor's closet.
'I heard you heard about the thing...' he trails off, his eyes not quite meeting hers. 'With Tori, I mean.'
Jade arches an eyebrow. 'Yeah, I've heard.'
'About that—'
'Okay, I'm going to have you to stop right there.' She even holds her hands up to emphasize her point. 'This really isn't a conversation I want to have with you and... I don't think we even need to have this conversation. Whatever you do or say or whoever you kiss is absolutely none of my business. All right?'
His eyes are wide in surprise but she can still see that part of him that remains unconvinced with this uncharacteristic levelheadedness. She is, too, a little. 'So we're okay?' he asks her tentatively.
'We'll never be okay, Beck,' she replies honestly. Because that's the only thing she has now. The truthfulness of her feelings that are slowly withering away. She shrugs at his hurt expression. 'I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm just... There's too much between us now. Too much good and bad. Okay really isn't an option anymore.'
'But... Don't you miss us?'
She smiles a little. Because she knows this Beck, too. This is her Beck. The uncertain, awkward little boy who always needs her attention, needs to know that he's needed somehow in some way. If only just a little bit.
'All the time.'
He nods slowly before leaving her to stand in the janitor's closet by herself. But she knows he doesn't really understand.
(Because he wouldn't be putting another door between them if he did. You know? Nothing makes sense.)
.
'I think... I think I'm over him.' She's sitting at the dining table with her mother, clipping coupons. 'I mean, it's been over three months now. So it's about time or whatever.'
'I'm not sure that's how it works, sweetheart? It's not about how much time has past.'
Jade puts her scissors down and looks to her mother who's busy skimming the magazine in her hands. 'Are you over dad?'
'What do you want for dinner?'
.
'I thought moving on meant that things hurt less. But they just hurt more.'
'Are we even allowed to feel as broken as we feel?'
'I thought you didn't feel anything anymore.'
'I thought so, too, but I realized something when I woke up this morning...'
'What's that?'
'I'm still in love with you.'
'Yeah. Me, too.'
...