The Bishonen's Guide to Fangirl Self-Defense
by The Happy Potato
Sure, there are plenty of guides out there detailing the proper method for capturing bishonen. Now there's a guide for teaching the poor guys how to fight back.
I. What is a Fangirl?
A fangirl is any girl with a life-threatening crush on an anime character. They can be quite violent and obsessive and may cause bodily injury in a fit of excitement or jealousy. Fangirls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, however, many of them are in the 13 to 15 age range. At this age, their ideas of love come from TV and movies, making them particularly dangerous.
II. Glomping
A. Definition of glomp: (v.) to seize violently by any part of the body, particularly the neck, in an attempt at intimate physical contact
B. How to Break a Glomphold: Glomping is almost always such a tight grip that force is inevitable in breaking it. Any special skills or weapons may come in handy, but bodyslamming or ramming walls also help. Always remember the primary rule of this guide: lethal force in self-defense is not out of the question, but should be used as a last resort.
III. Desperation Tactics
The most obvious way to get fangirls to leave you alone is to get ugly quickly. One way to go about this is to tan a lot, thus causing premature aging. However, it is important to know that scars don't work. Fangirls dig the scarred guys.
IV. All Males are at Risk
Just because you are unattractive or even freakish by real-world standards, do not assume that you will not be adored. In fact, if you are an unusually short demon with an extra optical organ, the best course of action is moving to Siberia until Cartoon Network picks up another series with a variety of male characters. On the other side of the coin, remember that the more you look like a girl, the more likely that you'll have legions of crazed girls after you.
V. Gifts of Consumables
Under no circumstances should you accept food or drink from a fangirl. You don't know what it's laced with. Fangirls are notorious for going to extreme measures in attempts to keep bishonen for their "personal use" (i.e., good luvin').
VI. Disguise
The effectiveness of disguise in warding off fangirls should never be underestimated. Depending on the intelligence level of said fangirls, disguises may range in complexity from a simple mask to an Afghan burqa. Dressing as a female will get rid of most fangirls, however, if you do it too well, you have a whole new problem.
VII. Final Words
Lethal force may sometimes be necessary, but remember that fangirls are like the Hydra in Greek mythology. If you get rid of one, she will be replaced by three new ones. Doesn't that suck?
Thanks to Buckeroo for help with numbers III and VI.
by The Happy Potato
Sure, there are plenty of guides out there detailing the proper method for capturing bishonen. Now there's a guide for teaching the poor guys how to fight back.
I. What is a Fangirl?
A fangirl is any girl with a life-threatening crush on an anime character. They can be quite violent and obsessive and may cause bodily injury in a fit of excitement or jealousy. Fangirls come in all shapes, sizes, and ages, however, many of them are in the 13 to 15 age range. At this age, their ideas of love come from TV and movies, making them particularly dangerous.
II. Glomping
A. Definition of glomp: (v.) to seize violently by any part of the body, particularly the neck, in an attempt at intimate physical contact
B. How to Break a Glomphold: Glomping is almost always such a tight grip that force is inevitable in breaking it. Any special skills or weapons may come in handy, but bodyslamming or ramming walls also help. Always remember the primary rule of this guide: lethal force in self-defense is not out of the question, but should be used as a last resort.
III. Desperation Tactics
The most obvious way to get fangirls to leave you alone is to get ugly quickly. One way to go about this is to tan a lot, thus causing premature aging. However, it is important to know that scars don't work. Fangirls dig the scarred guys.
IV. All Males are at Risk
Just because you are unattractive or even freakish by real-world standards, do not assume that you will not be adored. In fact, if you are an unusually short demon with an extra optical organ, the best course of action is moving to Siberia until Cartoon Network picks up another series with a variety of male characters. On the other side of the coin, remember that the more you look like a girl, the more likely that you'll have legions of crazed girls after you.
V. Gifts of Consumables
Under no circumstances should you accept food or drink from a fangirl. You don't know what it's laced with. Fangirls are notorious for going to extreme measures in attempts to keep bishonen for their "personal use" (i.e., good luvin').
VI. Disguise
The effectiveness of disguise in warding off fangirls should never be underestimated. Depending on the intelligence level of said fangirls, disguises may range in complexity from a simple mask to an Afghan burqa. Dressing as a female will get rid of most fangirls, however, if you do it too well, you have a whole new problem.
VII. Final Words
Lethal force may sometimes be necessary, but remember that fangirls are like the Hydra in Greek mythology. If you get rid of one, she will be replaced by three new ones. Doesn't that suck?
Thanks to Buckeroo for help with numbers III and VI.