bDisclaimer: Damn man, I still don't own GG. This upsets AshAsh :( But don't worry! One of these days when I'm not so lazy I'm gonna come up with a perfect plan to own GG!... or Ed Westwick… either one works! Bwhahahaha! :)
IMPORTANT SIDENOTE THAT WILL HELP YOU THROUGH THE ENTIRE STORY!: The chapters in no way are related to each other. Not at all. This is a series of the character's emotions throughout different parts and episodes of Season 1. So it's like a series of oneshots. Yeah, that's how you should view it. This holds NO spoilers for Season 2, and if ANYTHING I write happens to reflect what happens in Season 2, I apologize right now. But back to the meaning. Each chapter isn't related to another, except that they may be in the same episode. Example: Chapters 1 and 2 will be from 1x13, but they do not relate in either way. This is just the characters emotions and how they deal with them. Definitely better than it may sound right now. And as for this chapter right here, let me go ahead and say that Eleanor is not home, there is no going to the airport to be stopped by Serena as far as I'm concerned. I also suggest you listen to "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne, or "Gone" by Daughtry while reading, because they remind me of Blair in 1x13 sorta :D OH! And before I forget, if nothing and nobody else, gleechild inspired me as well to write, just because she's such a talented writer and I've made it my mission to read every one of her stories non-stop for the past two days!/b
Chapter One: You Said You Never Would Be Gone, But You Are.
She entered the penthouse without a sound being made, except the "ding" of the elevator and the sound of the doors opening and closing. She pulled off her heels and jacket, hanging the jacket up on the coat hanger, heels in her small hands. Slowly, she made her way into her room, barefoot and pale. The shoes went neatly in her closet, as the headband she wore on her head was placed in it's appropriate spot.
iBecause even when broken and as hurt as I am, I still knew that I have to keep up appearances, and make sure nobody knows how I really feel, even in the privacy of my own home./i
The shower in her adjoining bathroom was turn on, water becoming hot as the clothes adorning her small frame were placed in the hamper for Dorota to come get. Slowly, she stepped into the shower; barely noting the water that collided with her cold skin; water hot enough to make any other person yelp out from the shock and burn. The tears had stopped long ago, as she wondered through Manhattan, trying to make some sense of what had happened that day, moreso what happened that night at the bar with him.
iBecause I unever/u expected to hear those words from him. Nate… maybe, my mother… probably. But him? HIM?! No. I never expected to get pain from my comfort zone./i
And pain was exactly what she got. Pain in the form of words that metaphorically stabbed at her heart like a knife. Pain that – as she stood there in the shower – came back and began stabbing her all over once again as she reminisced on the events of that night; remembered what was said to her by him.
i"…rode hard, and put away wet…"
"…when you were beautiful, and untouched…"
"…you don't even have me anymore…"
And the icing on top of the cake of humiliation and cruelty:
"… I don't want you anymore, and I don't see why anyone else would."/i
The tears began falling once more as she fell to, fell against the steam-covered wall of the shower, back sliding until she was sitting on the floor, crying uncontrollably, sobs racking up inside of her. She brought her knees to her chest, her arms wrapping around them as she continued to sob, the words of that night replaying in her mind over and over again.
i"…when you were beautiful…"
I was never beautiful… but Serena always has been. She's always been what everyone wanted. Nate wanted her, pined after her for years, he even fucked her while we were together! My own mother would rather have Serena over me…/i
She unwrapped her arms from her knees and brought herself into a kneeling position in the shower and she wept.
i"…actually you don't even have me anymore…"
He was right. I pushed him away – again – and I ran back into the arms of Nate…biggest fucking mistake of my life. How could I have been so stupid as to go back to the one who never loved me? Not to say that Chuck ever loved me… he made that clear tonight. He hates me, but I've always had his friendship… and I managed to shove him away, and he was right. I didn't have him anymore, and I had nobody else either…/i
She wrapped one small arm around her quivering stomach, wanting the shaking of her body to stop along with the tears as she slid her index finger down her throat.
i"…I don't want you anymore, and I can't see why anyone else would."
I'm a whore. Plain and simple. I slept with Chuck, I slept with Nate, I bfaked/b my virginity for Nate – I'm still kind of shocked he didn't notice – and in the end, Gossip Girl found out, Jenny told Nate… I'm still wondering who on Earth told Gossip Girl. Could it have been Jenny as well? Oh well, it really doesn't matter now…the damage was done ,and I was screwed. I'd royally fucked up, and there was no changing it. He was right. I can't see why anyone else would want me. I've never been beautiful, but I've always had someone to fall back on when shit got too rough to handle. And I'd finally pushed them all away. I bet even Serena didn't want anything to do with me... but I didn't want Serena as much as I wanted Chuck… I wanted Chuck. I wanted him back in my life, but it's a shame I've realized it too late now. He doesn't want me anymore… oh God… he really doesn't want me anymore.../i
She gagged slightly, a few more added tears coming to her eyes before her body obeyed the wishes of her mind and emptied the contents of her stomach, over and over again. She didn't stop when her throat began burning, or when she began choking slightly because of her continual sobbing. Not when she got lightheaded, nor when the small black and white circles began clouding her vision. Finally, just finally, she stopped… because her body was beginning to turn on her and shut down. She felt so weak, as if she was dying on the shower floor as the hot water washed everything down the drain. Her cries still filled the room, as she resumed her spot on the floor curled up into a sitting fetal position, her soul feeling as if it was shattering inside of her into a million pieces.
iAnd I've forgotten what it's like, and how it feels to be alive.../i
Teeeeny Tiny A.N: T he last line in italics right above see! –points- yeah. The really amazing line right there. That comes from the song that seems to be the 4th most played song on my iPod, probably because it its me so well right now /. But it's Daughtry's "Gone". If you have never heard it, I suggest you go listen to it. Like, NOW! GO! –pushes off- You'll thank me later, trust me! It's also where I get the title for this chapter from, and what another oneshot will be written from!
3Ash