ZIM: Computer, begin recording.
COMPUTER: Recording now.
[Zim paces back and forth across the metallic floor, dictating to the computer. GIR emulates him for a few seconds, then falls over and just wiggles his legs in the air.]
ZIM: I have heard stories recently about a strange ritual the humans perform every night. This... "sleep", as they call it, involves climbing into a piece of furniture called a "bed" and entering a state of helpless stasis for fully ONE THIRD of the human Earth day. I have decided to attempt to emulate this "sleep" in hopes that I may better understand what compels humans to fritter away their pitifully short lives on it.
GIR: [jumps on Zim's shoulder] I'm gonna be a pillow!
ZIM: You will NOT be a pillow, GIR. End recording.
[Zim runs quickly over to the bed. He stares at it from several different angles, "hmm"ing and prodding it with one finger.]
ZIM: Hmm... GIR! Test the bed.
[GIR walks over to the bed and immediately begins chewing on one leg. After a moment (Zim just stares at him) he turns around and salutes.]
GIR: The bed is sufficiently tasty, my master!
ZIM: Ooo-kay. Excellent. Now! Begin sleep procedure!
[Zim jumps on top of the bed, face down. GIR curls up under the bed. A long pause. Zim slowly sinks into the bed.]
ZIM: This might be more complex than I had guessed.
GIR: Hoo hoo!
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Named After Black Horses
An Invader ZIM Fanfic by Shay Caron
Invader ZIM and all characters therein belong to Jhonen Vasquez (or should)
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[Zim, wearing his fiendishly clever human larva disguise, sits in his desk at skool. Dib appears to be missing, but the other students are all present.]
ZIM: Ahhhh, that "sleep" ritual has left me feeling strangely refreshed and energetic. Perhaps I should recommend it to the Tallest.
MS. BITTERS: Has anyone seen Dib?
ZIM: Perhaps he is engaging in our normal human sleep. It is so delicious!
MS. BITTERS: Yes, and it hastens our lives by hours each night, helping us approach our inevitable demise so much faster.
ZIM: [as Ms. Bitters rambles on in the background] She could find a path to doom from any topic. I admire that woman.
MS. BITTERS: Doomed, doomed, doomed. Your assignment today is on linguistics. You are to write a report on the origins of the English word I assign to you. Torque, your word is "doom".
TORQUE: Yes!
MS. BITTERS: Gretchen, your word is "suffer". Zim, your word is --
[A massive tremor shakes the entire skool. Kids fall out of their desks and papers scatter about the room. Zim looks confused but unharmed.]
MS. BITTERS: Earthquake!
ZIM: Eh? My word is "earthquake"?
MS. BITTERS: Shut up and run for the earthquake shelter. Down the hall.
[The students all run in a panic from the classroom and down the hall, as further tremors rattle the skool, until they come across a cardboard box labeled "earthquaek Shelter".]
ZIM: Hmmm, no doubt this small brown box contains a teleporter that will send us all to a perfectly safe orbiting space station!
RANDOM TEACHER: Nah, had to scrap the space station plan 'cause of tax cuts.
ZIM: Curse you, tax cuts, wherever you are!!
[Suddenly a massive iron hand plunges through the ceiling of the skool, grabbing for Zim and missing. Zim screams and runs for cover as the ceiling is yanked backward, revealing an enormous robot towering over the skool. A staticy voice is broadcast from speakers built into the robot.]
DIB: [crackle] There you are, Zim. How do you like my new toy?
ZIM: Dib-thing! Where did you acquire that robot?! Tell meeee.
DIB: I saved a hundred thousand cereal box tops. [bzzt] This robot suit has got everything I need to capture you! It's got lasers, nets, ropes, more lasers, missiles, a smoke machine for some reason... Best of all -- it's monkey-powered!
[Focus on the torso of the robot suit; an X-ray view shows several monkeys, chained and forced to run on treadmills.]
GIR: No, not the monkeys! Those poor little monkeeeeys! [cries]
ZIM: [jumps and looks at GIR, who is not disguised] When did you get here?
GIR: [cheerful again] I hitched a ride on a jellybean!
ZIM: Never mind. Save your master!!
[GIR salutes, throws Zim over his shoulder, and runs down the hallway and out of the skool, Dib's robot following close behind.]
DIB: You can't run from me this time!
ZIM: Insolent foolish slimy filth-eating worm pig dog cheese worm! Zim shall never lose to the likes of you! Computer! Call in the Voot Cruiser!
[The Voot Cruiser flies through the atmosphere with a really cool "zoom" sound. As it passes Dib's robot's head, the robot absent-mindedly reaches up and crushes it.]
ZIM: A-heh-heh-heh. GIR! Increase running speed!
GIR: Okey-dokey!
[GIR tears down the street swiftly, Zim dangling from his arms. Dib's robot seems unable to keep up with Zim's hyperactive servant, and the laser blasts it fires all miss their target.]
DIB: Slow down! Geez! [bzzt] Hmm... Hey, GIR! I've got some tacos here, if you want some!
GIR: [freezes]
ZIM: GIR, don't do it!
DIB: They're warm and tacoey!
GIR: ...TACOOOOOOS!!
ZIM: GIR, no!
[Zim leaps away from GIR, who rockets back to stand next to the robot's foot.]
GIR: Where's the tacos?
[The robot lifts up its foot, brings it down directly on GIR, then kicks the smashed pile of metal toward where Zim stands.]
ZIM: GIR!! [runs over and picks up GIR's head]
GIR: [eyes turn red and sad] Master... I have failed you... Forgive me... [eyes turn blue] I'm gonna sing about daisies now! Daisy daisy daisy! [eyes shut off]
ZIM: NOOOOOOOOO!!
DIB: Give it up, Zim! You're mine!
ZIM: I'll never surrender!
DIB: Fine! [crackle] I was hoping I'd have to take you by force anyway!
[Dib's robot stomps after Zim as he tries to run for cover. Soon it fires a net that yanks Zim off the ground. He lands neatly in the robot's outstretched hand.]
DIB: Have you any last words?
ZIM: Yes. I don't want to go.
DIB: Well. Succinct, anyway. Your reign of terror ends now!
[The robot hand begins to tighten, compressing Zim's alien organs as he screams. The hand squeezes. squashes, tightens, until--]
------
[Scene: Zim's home base.]
ZIM: [wakes up, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [pant, pant] Computer! Computer, what WAS that?! What is happening?!
COMPUTER: You have experienced what is known as a "nightmare". Named after... uh... Named after... black horses... a nightmare is a weird thingy made up by your brain that scares you and makes you wake up screaming but didn't really happen.
ZIM: [sighs in relief] Ahhhh. Nothing to worry about. Dib doesn't really have a monkey-powered robot suit.
GIR: Can I have a monkey-powered robot suit?
ZIM: If you save up your allowance and buy it yourself.
GIR: Yaaaaay!
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Author's Note
Catch the reference to HAL? Of course you did. ^_^ How about the Discworld quote? Hee hee.
OK, this's my first actual fanfic of any sort -- and I'm thankful for that. My writing skills years ago were "kind of... not good". I think this story was inspired by an episode of the "Beetlejuice" cartoon I saw years ago. This is chapter 1 of 7 -- I've got the whole plot sketched and I just need to flesh out the summary. No hints!
I finally figured out how to make FanFiction.Net recognize HTML! It was a simple, kinda stupid thing. You other authors probably knew it from the beginning. Feh.
Anyway. Go to my web site! I draw stuff! ... Sorry.