Erin Lindsay was used to being alone. Bunny had left her alone since she was old enough to microwave a hot dog, sometimes for days at a time. Even after she moved in with Hank, Camille, and Justin; she generally preferred to hole herself up in her room and lose herself in her thoughts or whatever angsty music seemed to fit her mood. In fact, she wasn't simply used to being a lone; she was good at it.
Those reason were why it made absolutely no sense to her that she was struggling so badly without Jay. It had been four weeks since he'd….left. Four weeks since his words – the ones that told her he was still married to Abby, had stung her like a slap across her face. Four weeks since she'd woken up next to his tall frame and cuddled up against his back, peacefully enjoying the last moments of sleep before reality had drawn them away from the safety and warmth of their king sized bed.
She understood better than most people that sometimes, you just had to work through your shit alone. Hell, she'd put Jay through the ringer when she had run off on her extended bender after Nadia's death. So, how could she be mad at him for needed space and taking time as well? She had to remind herself of that constantly, to keep from saying something to him she'd regret.
She stood in front of their shared closet, trying to decide which sweater to pull over her white tank top. Her fingers rose to the neatly hung flannel shirts and button downs that hung like a promise of his return. She ran her fingers over them gently. His stuff was still here, that meant he was coming back. The reminder of that was enough to curve the sides of her lips up slightly and she felt an odd sense of contentment.
Maybe even more than she was great at being alone, she was even better and leaving when shit got tough. And anyone who'd already decided to leave for good didn't leave so much of themselves behind. Jay needed space, she could give him that. Maybe when they found their way back to each other this time; it would be for good.
Her drive to work was easy, she made it a bit faster than she did on a normal day and as she climbed the stairs to intelligence, she forced all thoughts of her rocky relationship out of her mind and vowed to focus all her frustrations and emotions on kicking ass on whatever today threw at her.
Her resolve was slightly weakend when her eyes fell on him sitting at his desk, gnawing the lid of his pen in contemplation. Ever the investigator, her eyes quickly travelled to the stack of papers on his desk and she squinted her eyes to see what had him so perturbed. There, on the top of his files, sat a lined piece of paper and though she could barely see the words, the top unmistakable had her name, with a comma, as though he were writing her a letter.
He must've felt her eyes boring through him because he looked up, quickly shifted his papers around, and a slight pink color tinted his cheeks. He gave her an uneasy but still signature smile. He made no attempt to explain, but she guessed she couldn't blame him. Her instinct was to tease him, ask if he was writing her a love letter. But after the month they'd had apart, she knew things had changed too much and it wasn't the time or place for such a joke. Their relationship had changed. The thought made her sad, there were times she'd sworn she lived for their playful banter.
With only a silent exchange of smiles she preceded past him and to her own desk where she became engrossed in her own paperwork for a couple of hours as the rest of the team poured in. She was drawn away from her thoughts by the sound of Hank's familiar rasp calling out to her from his office. "Lindsay!" She jumped up quickly and moved the short few paces to his office door and leaned her side against its frame, looking at him expectantly.
"Boss?" She asked, raising one eyebrow.
"The Gordowsky case….we got a lead. I want you and Halstead following up on. We got an anonymous tip that Gordowsky's former right hand man, Liam Kincaid isn't very happy with him, thinking if we press him enough, we can get some valuable intel about where exactly Gordowsky has been hiding out the past two weeks…." Hank spoke and she swore she was listening-kind of. She'd successfully managed to spend as little alone time with Jay as possible. Awkward silences were much easier to ignore in a large group. The thought of an impending painfully silent jaunt across town was all she could focus on as Hank droned on with more details. "Erin?" Hank's change in tone told her he'd caught her spacing off.
"Sorry," She made no attempt at an excuse, he'd have seen through it anyway.
"You. Halstead. The Rosebud on West Taylor. Kincaid's girlfriend is a cocktail server there and he and his boys have been known to get in early and do some business and throw back some booze. See what you can get."
She knew better than to question him or ask if she could maybe bring Atwater instead because Halstead seemed so busy….instead she gave him a curt nod and turned on her heel. Hank's voice carried well enough that Halstead had heard him say they were going together and he had already retrieved both of their jackets and held hers outstretched to her as they headed towards the stairs.
They walked out to their car in silence and she hated every second of it. It was weird not knowing how to act around him anymore, not knowing what to say or do. Probably because every time she tried to talk to him, her lips seemed more intent on pressing against his anyway. They didn't even attempt any playful banter about who would drive and before he felt the need to offer it to her, she made her way to the passenger side door and climbed in, turning her head immediately to stare out the passenger side window and further avoid any chance at initiating conversation. If he wanted to talk, he could talk, she was far too stubborn to make the first move. Even if on the inside, she was dying for a taste of the old easiness of their conversation.
After a few tepid minutes, Jay did break the silence. "How was your weekend?" He asked lamely. Truth be told the only reason he'd been sitting there silently for the last five minutes was because he was trying to think of the perfect thing to say. He was embarrassed for himself that after such a wait time he'd only managed to offer up an atypical small talk starter.
Erin shrugged. She knew she should've answered with words but he was going to have to try a little harder than this to make it worth her while. "Uneventful." She said finally, throwing him just the one word. She wasn't mad, Jay knew that. She just wasn't sure what to say or do anymore. She wasn't sure what he needed from her. If he was going to saddle her with all this uncertainty, he should expect sass in return.
Jay frowned. He knew that he couldn't be upset by her curtness, afterall he was the one who had created this tension between them. She was just as confused as he was and just as at a loss for what to do next. This was on him, he knew that. He wished he could open his mouth and tell her that he as good now, things were fine and he was ready to come back if she'd let him. But the words never came and he continued the short drive from the precinct to the restaurant in crestfallen silence.
Erin felt bad. She could've been more personable. Told him that she'd met up with Kim and her niece for lunch and to see a movie. She could've offered him at least that to keep the conversation going. But she hadn't. She hadn't because a part of her resented the fact he'd been so upset when she'd shut him out and now he was being a hypocrite and doing the same thing to her. But she knew it was different and even if she'd told him that, she'd have just felt like an idiot. Jay was going to a PTSD support group to help him through the shit he'd never dealt with. She'd found "support" in prescription pills, booze, and unfulfilling sex. Yeah, she definitely couldn't compare the two, not in the least. He was rebuilding his life for the better, she owed him patience with that.
He'd let her take point on their conversation with Kincaid. Whether or not things were strange between them, their ability to communicate through just a look was strong as ever and the nod he'd given her when they'd walked in had let her know she should take the lead. Kincaid told them Gordowsky and him had a big blow up after he'd stiffed him on a shipment of cocaine one of Kincaid's men had driven up all the way from New Mexico. Last he'd seen him, he'd been staying in some shitty dump near Montrose Beach and he'd given them good enough landmarks to go off of that she felt confident ending their conversation and heading back to the district. She called Hank with the info and followed a few paces behind Jay as they walked to the car.
She'd been staring absently at her phone as she walked up to the passneger's side and was surprised when she bumped into him. He was leaned up against the passenger's side door. "Oh…sorry." She looked up at him, taking a slight step back, before sliding her phone into her back pocket. "I figured you'd drive." She stated simply.
"Six whole words? To what do I owe the honor?" Jay chided, a soft smile on his lips. He knew they weren't necessarily in a state where they could tease, but he knew that technically what kind of place they were in was up to him. Her eye roll let him know she found him less than amusing. "I just…wanted to say something, before we head back." He looked at her expectantly but found her eyes giving him a similar look and he could tell she had no intention of speaking until he'd finished, so he did. "Look…I know you saw I was writing you a letter this morning. It's…an exercise from the support group…" He didn't know why telling her this made him nervous. Her facial features softened at his first admission and it gave him the confidence to continue. "As expected I am overanalyzing it and…I've written and thrown away about three dozen copies because I can't figure out how to say all the things I want to tell you." He felt like he was rambling, but for some reason telling her this made him anxious. Probably because it made him look and feel vulnerable and he hated it. "So…yeah. I just, didn't want you to think I was…a weirdo or something." He silently cursed himself, all this time to carefully plan what to say and that was the best he could come up with?
She couldn't help but smile. "Too late, I still think you're a weirdo." She offered, a bemused smile on her lips. A taste of their familiar banter was enough to make her smile grow even if she didn't want it to. Her joke set him at ease as well and before either of them had any real time to think or process, his strong hand had found and cupped her cheek. His thumb moved briefly over her bottom lip, causing her breath to catch. Their eyes studied one another, finding the pain they each felt from their own shit, but also the pain from being apart. His thumb ran over her bottom lip a few times and it made her want to close her eyes and fall against him, but she kept her eyes locked on his, willing this peaceful moment to never end. It was as though they were speaking more now then they had before even as they stood there in silence. "I can't wait to read it." She said finally, breaking the silence and their long gaze with her honest sentiment. She brought her hand up to rest on top of his as it held her face and she stayed like that for a couple more stolen seconds before forcing herself to step back. Jay's hand fell and she immediately missed its warmth. "We should get back to the district…Hank wants to do some recon on the place Kincaid mentioned and then we're all going in for a raid." She added.
Jay nodded, his voice was too caught in his throat to speak in response so he reluctantly pushed himself from the side of their vehicle and moved to the driver's side. The intensity of her eyes as he'd stared into them still weighed heavily on his heart. He hated seeing her hurt, more than anything. And he knew she was hurting because of him. Because he'd left and he hadn't given her a good enough explanation and he still couldn't. It made him feel like shit. He wanted to tell her, but he knew she knew. She didn't need to sit there and tell him it was okay, that she understood and would give him the time he needed. He knew all that. He wanted to tell her he was done dealing with his shit and he was ready to be the strong man she needed. But he wasn't yet. And he knew she'd see through it if he tried to pretend he was when he wasn't. That was the shitty thing about knowing someone like the back of your own hand; it was much harder to bullshit them.
Jay was pulled from his thoughts as he heard Erin open the passenger's side door and climb in. It prompted him to do the same and as he got in, he was shocked when her hand reached for his and intertwined their fingers. His eyes widened and he opened his mouth to speak, but she did first. "I just need this right now." She whispered, sullen, staring out the window again.
Truth be told, he needed it to. He squeezed her fingers gently between his own in a silent agreement. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed holding that perfect hand until it was slid into his and now he had half a mind to never let it go again. In fact when she'd gone to retract her hand to her lap a few moments later, he was the one who'd held on tighter. This made them both smile to themselves. They drove that way the entire way back to the district, and maybe Jay had taken the opposite of a shortcut to extend the moment a littler longer, but Erin certainly didn't mind.
Baby steps.