The day had been coming, Laurens had tried to put it off every time they'd gotten close to it, with as many soothing words as he could manage. His words were never as good as Alexander's, his boyfriend always knew what to say and when. He knew if they argued, he'd be destroyed. Even as a kid, Laurens had never been good at arguing or any sort of confrontation. He preferred to thread lightly, following his heart and letting the battles he fought, he fought only internally, never externally, never spoken or acted upon. This was not a good quality to have when dating Alexander, who was sensitive to other's feelings and words, and who wanted so much continuous emotion, the sorts of which Laurens just wasn't able to outwardly express as he did.
Alex had been the one to suggest the weekend away, even though Laurens was generally the one to plan things like that, having more time to kill than Hamilton did. They boarded the plane and left New York behind without much afterthought on Laurens' behalf. Alex must've just needed the break. He worked hard, pushed himself too much, never allowing himself the quantity nor quality of respite he deserved. Laurens was much more refined in where he chose to put his time. There was no inclination of agitation on Hamilton's part. They had been dating for two years and were, what Laurens thought of as being, comfortable. He loved him, though not through words and as much expression as Alex emitted, but he loved him wholly and purely, and he was sure it was known.
What he didn't understand was that there had been a growing cloud of doubt shrouding Alexander's mind, and that he had planned the trip in an attempt to salvage what he thought was a ruined relationship. Alex had never known someone to be so sparse of outwardly projected emotion. Laurens was never good at voicing how he felt, and the 'I Love You's had stopped appeasing Alexander. He knew better than to just blatantly bring things like this up. That's why he'd planned the trip, knowing that a difference in surroundings might make Laurens less likely to ignore his words, less likely to walk away from the situation as though nothing had happened, as if the accusations Alex threw at him were merely suggestions or warnings. All arguments that had come before had been so one-sided that he had come out the other side feeling deflated, as though he was the one at fault and not the other way around. He just wanted to know what the hell Laurens was thinking and why he never talked to him about what was going on in his head. Alexander talked too much about what went on in his, and when they talked of their days it was Hamilton who filled the air with the most thoughts and prompts for conversation.
Florida was their destination, a state Laurens' had never before been to, but which Alex had frequented before his parents' deaths. The beach house which he'd rented had been the very one in which he'd spent his summers when he was younger. It was the fondness of those memories that drew Alex to choosing here. He felt like he was losing Laurens. If there love was to be lost, let it be lost in a place of such beauty, and one which could be still held so close to his heart.
They arrived that Friday evening, Laurens carrying their bags inside as Alex jogged ahead, opening the front door and with it, his mind to the memories of that place. It was exactly as he remembered. The back porch where his mother had sat him down on her lap and read to him, both of them watching the waves racing in and retreating back across the sand, less than a hundred meters away. The palm trees in the yard, and the mango tree that bent over, leaning against the right wall of the structure as if it needed to be propped up, the house carrying a lot of its weight.
"What do you think?" He was breathless when he returned to Laurens, who'd just finished bringing in their luggage from the rental car.
"I think that I could've done with some help," Laurens jokingly chuckled back, then quickly added, "Nah, it's really beautiful, babe." The last bag was placed swiftly away, by the stairs to be brought up later, and when John returned he caught Alex's waist and drew him closer, leaning against his neck, nuzzling his nose to his warm skin. The soft, warm smell of him reminding Laurens that he was home when he was with him, his home lay in Alexander's arms and inside his heart. His curls, which he'd decided to leave down - a bad decision in hindsight, the heat was too much - tickled Alex's neck, but he didn't complain. "Thank you for this," Laurens whispered.
"For what?" Alexander silently begged him to say something, to vocalise how he really felt, past some mundane 'I Love You's.
"This trip." Laurens' smile melted him, regardless. "This trip, because we both needed the break, you work so hard..."
Alex felt half-guilty that he was hiding the true motives behind the planning of their getaway. Maybe they were fine, maybe there was nothing wrong, nothing to be changed, nothing to be said, nothing to be bettered. And maybe Alex was just being paranoid and overly-sensitive. It wasn't an unheard of characteristic for him, he knew this. Despite everything, his heart told him otherwise, told him to be pessimistic, but perhaps it was best to choose to just ignore it..
Laurens could feel some unease growing between them, as they brought their bags upstairs and unpacked as much as they needed to. They wouldn't be here long, the respite from all the work and worry, from hardly getting to spend the right amount of time together, it would only be a fleeting two days. Having no idea why there was uneasiness between them, he let it blow over. He would have even if he had known, he supposed. Alexander was more likely than not just thinking of work, like he always was. As much as Laurens retreated into himself when his thoughts and emotions became too much, Alex did the same when he was overcome with work. It was easy for Laurens to understand that, he related to the feeling of wanting to be alone with your thoughts, wanting to keep your struggles and battles contained within.
They both watched the sunset that night, sitting on that back porch, painted a now-worn-to-grey white, under the shade of some palms and other shrubbery Laurens couldn't identify. He'd never been this far south, all the trips he'd planned were generally up to Canada or even just upstate New York. That was deep-rooted in his childhood, back when his borough was the only world he knew. He was sure the subway map was the map of the world. So small everything had seemed back then, he wondered if that was why he retreated to the compounds of his own brain most of the time, he wanted to stay within boundaries, and he wanted his thoughts and emotions to do the same. Due to this he was practically untraveled, and couldn't brace the heat very well - the southern humidity that felt so foreign to him.
It was there under the canopy of stars that were broken up into puzzle pieces by the canopy of leaves, that Alexander finally summoned the courage to approach the subject, or to address what had been burning at him, eating him alive. "Laurens... I just need to know. Just.. to know. More about what's going on in your head. Why don't you tell me what's on your mind? Ever? You never bring up things that anger you, annoy you or even, really, make you happy. You seem so unaffected by every single thing. I love you so much, I vocalise it so much, I write it down so much, you've read all my letters and you can't even write me a single line? You're so literate and your words are so beautiful but you never use them to describe me or our love. You never talk about our love only to state that it's there. I feel like you're hiding from me..you have me so insecure about your feelings about where you stand in all of this, in our love. I love you, fuck Laurens I love you so much it hurts. You're practically my everything, all I have and I sing you so many praises, you never return them. I want to marry you eventually, for fuck sake and you don't even return my affections..." Alexander was cut off by a sob he hadn't felt forming in his chest. His voice throughout the accusations had quivered in and out of raw emotion, but now that he'd got everything he needed to say out, he cradled his head in his hands, leaned forward so that his head was bent over his legs, and let everything inside him take over, tears rolling down his cheeks like the heaviest rain.
Laurens was speechless, nothing new. But this time, what Alexander had said, how honest he'd been for the first time, it cut Laurens to the bone. How had be been so blind to his boyfriend's feelings? To the heartache he was probably going through? He knew that he had to choose his words so carefully, he felt he was threading on eggshells. Well, no, he reconsidered, not eggshells, but both of their hearts. The first tears had welled up in his own eyes before he even began to speak, and when he did, you could actually hear everything he'd been keeping bottled up, everything he knew he would always keep bottled up, in the blatantly honest words he spoke.
"I know that I don't say what's on my mind quite as much as you'd like me to." He moved closer, letting his forehead fall against Alex's shoulder. "My parents said that, my siblings, my first girlfriend. Everyone I've ever known. I've been hearing that my whole damn life, baby, I promise it's not just you." Laurens caught Alex's hand, unable not to touch him, to feel his skin and know that he still had him, he was still his own. "But you know.." Laurens sighed, letting his guard down even more, the tears now soaking a dark wet patch onto Alex's t-shirt. "I so confidently want you. And all those times that you said you felt insecure about my feelings, just those off-handed comments about it, I never took to seriously about it. Because you're so right in...and for my heart? And for me? You fit so well you're there, right there always such a sure thing? And I'm so sure of our love...you're one of the few things that I'm sure of. .. you're one of the few things that I know. You're more a part of me than anybody else, anything else. I don't say these things, Alexander, I never say these things because they are so true. They are so true inside of me that there never seems to be a need to let you know. I feel you already do, I thought that you already knew..."
Alexander couldn't reply. He couldn't think straight. Laurens' proclamation of love had been intwined together with so much of what he had been dying to know about the inner workings of his boyfriend's mind. And now that he did know he felt stupid for not knowing all along. But he was left feeling more in love, more alive in their relationship and more reassured than he thought he would ever be. He squeezed his had, kissed the forehead that was still lying on his shoulder, then adverted his gaze back to the waves, trying to calm his beating heart.
"Laurens, I love you a lot."