Rararar guys I'm still alive I just was swallowed by Tumblr and have only just managed to make it out. My grammar/spelling/punctuation/capitalization has become atrocious because of my hardships, but I'm trying to seem more sophisticated here because it's FFN so.
Here's a fun little Kogan! Little angsty, mostly adorable. There's no relationship here, though; just bromance. Lots of it. Hopefully enjoy, maybe review? Love you all. c:
My name is Kendall. I'm sixteen years old and I'm having the time of my life. I have the three best friends in the world and side by side we are going to take the world by storm with the opportunity of a lifetime. Ten months ago we met a rather interesting character named Gustavo. He's a record producer. Nasty, arrogant, pompous, selfish- the list could go on forever. But he was the key to my best friend's dreams, so I took the chance with both hands and now we're all where we are.
First there's James. James, the one who basically started it all. From day one it's been his dream to be famous- a star, an influence, the face on every teenage girl's bedroom wall, the face in every teenage girl's wildest dreams. Well, he's got "the face" down. He's extremely pretty. He's also got the voice. James is an amazing singer. He's so determined and strong, and I don't think anything could ever knock him down, because when he wants something he wants something and he's gonna get it. The only thing really standing in the way of his dream is Gustavo, who has sort of "hated" him since the day they met. But lately I think he's actually warming up to him- he treats him the same as the rest of us. That's a sign if I ever saw one.
Carlos is a handful. He's a ball of energy, a crazy monkey, a puppy on steroids. He's without a doubt the most insane person I've ever met and he never fails to bring a smile to my face. He acts about five years younger than he is, but that's why I love him. He's the sweetest thing ever and so outgoing that sometimes he worries that he doesn't pay enough attention to everyone he's ever met. It's kind of ridiculous, but he's just too nice to let it go. Three words to describe Carlos Garcia: sweet, hilarious, and insane. He's a good guy. Definitely the life of our group. If you ever lose him, the first place to look is the center of attention. He'll be up jumping from building to building or just dancing like there's no tomorrow in the middle of a crowd. He's a crazy, crazy guy, and I don't think there's a person in the world who could not like him.
And Logan. Where do I even begin with Logan? Well, where did I begin with James and Carlos? Because there's no difference with Logan, they're all amazing people. I don't know why it's hard to start explaining Logan. Maybe because I'm so close to him? No, that's not right. I think it's because I'm afraid. Let me start over. Logan is a genius. He is the smartest guy I know, and I know that someday he's gonna do something incredible with that gift. He absorbs information like it's nothing and retains it forever. I don't think he's ever forgotten one fact he's learned his whole life. Once it's up there, it stays. He's a walking dictionary, thesaurus, encyclopedia, you name it. So smart. He wants to be a doctor. His whole life he's wanted to be. He used to try to help us every chance he got, when we were little, even when we didn't need it. He said he needed practice for when it was real. I don't think he's actually given up on that dream, because how could he so suddenly? Sometimes I think I was selfish for getting the four of us out here in L.A. Like by giving us the opportunity of a lifetime, I tore away something he'd been holding to his whole life. Sure, I was helping James along with his life's dream, but Logan never wanted fame, he never even thought about it. He's just always wanted to be a doctor, end of story. I mean, even when he was forced to try out with the rest of us. He couldn't sing, he couldn't dance, and this guy Gustavo was just a horrible person to him. I feel like a jerk for forcing this on him, but in the real world, Logan seems to be enjoying every second of it. Maybe it's because he's doing this with his best friends, because that's the kind of sentimental thing Logan would do, but at the same time maybe not because he has always joked about needing to get new friends. At least, I think he was joking.
Point is, I have three of the most amazing people in the world as my best friends, and we're living the life together here in Los Angeles. But lately, Logan's been worrying me. It's only been going on for a few days, but the change is drastic. He's a lot more introverted than I've ever known him to be, and Logan was always a shy kid. But this is just really weird of him. He doesn't talk a lot and I know he's not enjoying our crazy adventures as much as he used to. He smiles a lot less and pretty much never laughs. I mean, James even tried to get that competitive side out of him the other day and he didn't really respond at all. It's the weirdest thing ever and I'm
Kendall can't make himself write more. The pencil strains over just that one word, but his fingers won't let the lead tip touch the paper, form the 's.' Frustrated, he sets the pencil down and averts his attention to the glowing sky outside the window, eyes scanning over cotton clouds and smooth, creamy blue. Well, sort of blue. Now it's a bit of a cream color, overtaken by the bland, pale yellow of early sunset. It doesn't feel like sunset in L.A. anymore, though. Back in Minnesota sunsets meant fire raking across the sky, scattering autumn leaves over the blue and transforming it completely. Sunsets were different every day, and so worth the aching, fallen-asleep limbs after staying out so long to watch. But here, it's different. Here there's a thick, dormant curtain of smog hanging about the city, feasting on its skyline and holding itself high above that to ensure complete capture. It's rather depressing, Kendall thinks, that something so beautiful as a sunset could become so contorted and transformed based on location. Now when the sun sets, all it is to Kendall is suffocation of the sun's beautiful butter rays, light that has the power to tint pink, red and orange drowning in the air waste of the city. Everything natural is turned so dull here, and there are times Kendall longs for the tranquil beauty of isolated Minnesota.
Now is one of those times.
It's Logan. Kendall doesn't know for sure exactly what's wrong with him, but something definitely is. He's not used to seeing him like this; so subdued, so... depressed? Is Logan depressed? Kendall doesn't think he's seen Logan depressed too often, and even then it wasn't this extreme. It was usually over a failed math test (something one of his friends could usually take the blame for, for it was more often than not a late-night study session of procrastinated tutoring for the very same test taking place the next day) or something more situational like a loss of something important, be it an opportunity of some sort or an ability he was accustomed to having by his side at all times. But Kendall's not even sure those times were depression. Just a temporary sadness, right? Kendall doesn't think he knows what depression even looks like. Has he ever seen it, at all? So how could he know if that's what it is this time?
He sighs and holds his head in his hands. This is too much to think about. He just wants Logan to be okay. True, he hasn't tried talking to him about it, but he's not sure that Logan would even respond if he tried. Sure, he would respond in the literal sense, but Kendall knows it will be hard to get a straight answer. Maybe he won't even get any answer at all. It's a distressing thought.
Kendall doesn't know who he's writing to. Obviously it's someone, because he can't be writing to himself, that would be crazy. Maybe there's someone out there who can help. Maybe if he just folds the paper into an airplane and lets it go, the wind will carry it somewhere and someone will find it and come to help. The second that thought hits Kendall snorts and shakes his head, picking up the paper between the fingers of one hand and staring at it blankly. No, he needs to do this himself. James and Carlos, they're scared. Kendall knows they are. And he doesn't want to admit it, nor will he ever out loud or even on paper, but he's- he's scared too. He still has to do this. If no one is going to stand up, then that leaves him to be the one to do it.
Setting the paper back down, Kendall takes one last look at the blanching sky and stands, turning to walk out of his room and making sure the door closes behind him. When he gets to the livingroom, he sees James and Carlos and Katie, but, to his disappointment, there is no sign of Logan. He runs his fingers once nervously through his hair and opens his mouth.
"Anyone seen Logan?" He feels like he just shattered something important, but he stands his ground and waits for an answer. Carlos looks up from his T.V. show while James continues to fix his hair in the mirror he keeps in his back pocket. Kendall wonders why it hasn't broken yet. He holds Carlos' gaze for a moment before Carlos shrugs.
"I dunno." Kendall's shoulders sag, but Katie saves him.
"I saw him go out," she comments, shoveling another bite of peas on her fork and bringing it up to her waiting mouth. Kendall brightens.
"Where?"
"I dunno, he didn't say."
"He just left?" Kendall doesn't know why he's surprised. Logan hasn't been talking all that often lately. Why should leaving be so different? Maybe because no one knows where he'll be until he comes back?
"Yeah. Why, you gonna go ask him out?"
Kendall gives her a glare that tells her that was not funny. She shrugs again and goes back to her food. Despite the insulted annoyance he feels towards her, he bids her a thank you and heads out the front door. Only to run into the desired himself.
"Logan!" Kendall gasps in surprise, hand flying to his heart. The other falters momentarily in his movement to acknowledge Kendall's presence, looking disheveled, clutching a folded up white paper in his hand. That's another thing; he's been taking that paper everywhere he goes, and it's driving Kendall insane. "Where were you?"
"Why does it matter?" He pushes past Kendall and into the apartment, leaving Kendall standing alone in the hallway, dumbstruck. Again, he doesn't know why he's so surprised. He supposes it's just that he's so unused to seeing Logan like this that it comes as a shock every time he sees him. He blinks and falls back into motion, spinning around and following Logan's lead into the apartment, just in time to hear the door to their shared room close.
"Found him?" Katie inquires airily from her seat at the table. Kendall shoots her a look, shaking his head in annoyance and going to follow Logan.
"W- Kendall, wait." He stops at the sound of James' voice, turns around. James has set the mirror down (a miracle) and is looking straight at Kendall. "What are you doing?"
"I'm gonna talk to Logan."
He continues to stare at Kendall in close scrutiny, eyeing him up and down, almost as if he's evaluating his ability or something, seeing if he's fit for the job. Kendall crosses his arms impatiently.
"Don't."
"Why not?" he asserts angrily, but James just shakes his head.
"I really don't think he wants to talk about it."
"Of course he doesn't want to talk about it; he doesn't want to talk at all!"
"I just don't want him to get hurt." There's concern in his eyes and Kendall stands down slightly, because he sees it. He tries to speak his next words more gently.
"James, he is hurt. And he's keeping it in. I just want to talk with him. Maybe he'll open up." James holds Kendall's gaze for a few painfully long moments, eyes searching, contemplating. Then he shakes his head and resigns.
"Just be careful."
"Of course."
"He's most likely to open up to you. Don't abuse that, Kendall."
"I won't."
"Kendall."
"James."
They stare at each other, Kendall just about ready to explode, he's so stressed. He wants everything to be okay between all of them. He wants to know what's wrong with Logan. He wants to fix it. What does James find wrong in that?
Maybe the fact that Kendall can sometimes get a little rough in his impatience?
"Okay," he relinquishes, loosening his arms' holds on each other and letting his hands fall to his sides. "Okay, I'll be careful."
James' gaze doesn't leave Kendall's back until it's out of sight.
He stops in front of the door to the room, taking a deep breath and bracing himself before straightening his lazy posture and raising a hand to knock lightly on the door. He gets no answer, of course, and gently pushes the door open, calling out softly, "Logan? You in here?"
"What?" comes a weak voice from inside. Kendall opens the door fully, bringing himself in before closing it behind him. Logan lies on his bed, back facing Kendall, curled into himself on his side and unmoving. Kendall's throat constricts in taut worry and he approaches slowly, trying to be as gentle as he promised to James.
"Can we talk?" he proposes hesitantly, not wanting to sound too forward. But Logan merely chuckles tonelessly and leaves the question hanging.
"You want to know what's been going on with me, right?"
For once Kendall doesn't really know what to say. "Uh... Yeah." He feels awkward and glances behind him warily, as if there's something there waiting to jump him.
Wordlessly Logan shifts on the bed, bringing Kendall's attention back to him, and holds out his hand, fingers brandishing the infamous white paper, an invitation for him to take. Kendall feels strongly that he shouldn't, but he ignores that and tries to forget Logan's blank, empty stare lingering on him as he accepts the creased paper and brings it back to himself with both hands, beginning to unfold it.
The moment Kendall's eyes land on the paper, the ink black markings, the letters, the words, his breath hitches in his throat and his throat's drawstring tightens to a close, his heart dropping in dread and only one word on his mind: no. The characters all blend together and Kendall's not even sure what they say anymore, what they mean. He just knows that Logan is definitely depressed and that he has quite a firm justification for it. His hands are shaking now and he reads over the words over and over again, trying to make sense of them, trying to get them to reform, to shift around in a different order, any order- anything but this.
Mr. Mitchell, we regret to inform you that your application has been rejected. We sincerely hope for you to find success elsewhere, but for the time being your service is inessential here.
What is that even supposed to mean? "His service is inessential?" Isn't any sort of service helpful? Where do they get off telling Logan, who has aspired his whole life to be a doctor, that his service is "inessential?" Kendall's throat closes and he slowly turns his eyes back to Logan, knowing that there is absolutely nothing he can say to make this better. Logan isn't looking at him; his eyes are trained solely on the sheets on the bed. He lets out a slight breath, the corner of his mouth twitching upward as if to give a hint of a cold, mirthless smile.
"I guess it was a good thing that you booked all four of us out here, right?" he says softly to the blanket. "If you hadn't, I really don't know where I would be. At least now I have a future ahead of me."
"Don't say that!" Kendall suddenly bursts out, surprising himself. "You've always had a future, and Big Time Rush or not, you always will. Once this is over, you're going to be a doctor." Logan remains still, staring at the bed and not Kendall, eyebrows furrowing slightly, and the inside of Kendall panics a bit. He doesn't let it show and tries calmly, "How many schools did you apply to, Logan?"
He doesn't answer immediately, motionless. "One," he says, very quietly.
"And how many med schools are there out there?" Kendall prompts further. Logan's forehead creases.
"One hundred fifty-nine," and of course Logan would know the exact number. Kendall allows a small smile onto his face.
"You see? Out of one hundred fifty-nine schools, you're just gonna let one judge your future? Logan, I'm kind of surprised that you're letting this get to you so much. It's one school. So? Just try again. You'll make it."
"But," Logan starts, sniffling slightly, "but they must have had a reason for rejecting me."
Yeah, because they're stupid, Kendall wants to say. He wants to find whoever gave the 'OK' for this letter to be sent and share a few choice words with him, but for now he has a job to do. "Logan, don't think like that. Obviously there was something wrong with them if they thought they could reject you."
"It's not them; there's something wrong with me," Logan mutters. Kendall's frustration melts at Logan's weak, helpless tone. He sounds honestly distraught, like he's about to unwind right in front of him. Kendall sighs softly and leans down, pulling Logan up and against him, heart aching as he feels the other's body begin to tremble against his. He begins to rub his hand along the path of his spine, holding him close and pressing his lips softly to the top of his head, wanting it all to just stop.
"Nothing wrong with you, Logan," he murmurs, rocking slightly. "Don't ever let them get to you like that. You're amazing, alright?" Logan nods against him, taking in a shaky breath, and Kendall knows he's trying to stop crying, but it doesn't matter to him whether Logan cries or not, because he probably needs this, and Kendall isn't going to get mad or anything. He drops the letter and sits them both on the bed, Logan curling into him with his knees drawn up, Kendall with his knees on either side of him.
"I know," he continues softly into Logan's hair once they're settled, "that one day, after all of this, you're going to do great things. You're going to be amazing. In fact," he pulls his head away, using a finger to tilt Logan's chin up so that his teary eyes are linked straight to his, "you already are."
Logan shudders and bites his lip, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly as a quivery laugh parts his lips. "You really think so?"
"I know so," Kendall assures him, dropping a swift kiss onto the top of Logan's head. Logan's smile falters in slight surprise at first, but then it comes back, slightly brighter than before, and he leans into Kendall, nuzzling his face into his neck. A warm wetness meets Kendall's skin, from the tears; he gives Logan a slight squeeze, rubbing up and down the top of his back because he's so close now that he can't trace his spine down any further without moving his arm away, and Kendall doesn't want to move away; he'd rather Logan be this close, because Logan is warm, and he wants him to stay that way. He wants him to know that he's not alone, that Kendall, as well as James and Carlos, is going to be here for him every step of the way. The second he starts to fall, they'll be right there to catch him.
He hears a muffled, "Thank you," and smiles softly, planting another small kiss in Logan's hair before hooking his chin over his head and holding him there protectively.
"Any time, Logan. Always here for you."
The letter lies forgotten on the floor by the bed; Kendall closes his eyes, still smiling with the knowledge that he's succeeded. Logan is at peace, maybe even happy. To Kendall, that's all that really matters.