Red

If someone told you they loved you...

&&

I hated that colour. It was loud, and obnoxious and most of all, it angered me to beyond my emotional limits every time I had to look at it. But it was the particular red that glistened behind what I'm sure was simply a cover up for something that that stupid cat kept pretending didn't exist that kept me awake and made my blood boil.

What was even more repulsive than the ridiculous hue, was that I'd recently become obsessed with making it invisible to my eyes at any cost. However when one lives with Kyou Sohma, this can be quite a difficult task, even for me.

I can hear her babbling on with Momiji outside the room. Tohru's voice brings me back to reality. And as much as I resent what she's gotten herself into, I know I'll never be brave or selfish enough to bring to her attention how much it hurts me that she's obsessed with the colour red too. Still...calling it an obsession her case, seems entirely unfitting and almost...mean. I shake that thought from my head.

She's very attracted to the colour. Or at least, that's what I told myself when they announced to us all that they were together. And then I realized I was being foolish, she wasn't attracted to the colour, she was attracted to him. On days such as this, I would pretend otherwise. I would shut away all the rationality and level-headedness that I'd been renowned for in the past and pretend---if only for a little while---that I'd lost her to a colour. The feeling never lasted long as I can never quite see myself telling someone of my theory, that Kyou won her because of the colour, and imagine them not laughing in my face.

Oh all right, fine, they didn't actually publicly announce that they were a couple. But they might as well have. It was revoltingly obvious, the way they held hands and had private conversations at the dinner table without actually speaking a word to one another.

I notice how she always seems distracted, how she no longer can hold a conversation with me for hours like she used to because her train of thought seems to dissolve the minute she sees red. And I can say for sure, she never sees it because she's angry. I notice how Kyou is no longer inclined to conclude that my every action, my every word, is a challenge or a chance for him to gain his "rightful place" into the family.

Hell. He knows he belongs here, in this house, just as much as I do. It's a new house now, it has been ever since Tohru came and in her own way, turned us into a new family. The Sohma family, well, that still existed as well, it always would. No matter how many times we would attempt to break the curse, no matter how many times I would try to break the different sort of curse, one that was separate from the Zodiac, that kept me confined to my room and to whatever was left of feelings that I kept trying to deny.

I couldn't even say how much of myself was left, and no one had even noticed. And yet every night I'd slave away in my head and try to come up with more reasons why I'd lost to red.

It symbolized the anger that was slowly beginning to fade---on his side at least---between Kyou and myself, though I know secretly that hatred still exists in my heart. It represents all the ugly things that have flashed through my head during one of those rare moments when I can't smile at all, even when I think of her. It stands for all the blood we've shed together and how it all seems like it was done in vain. Red is all the things that I can't stand about him, his temper, his personality, his hair, his eyes...everything. Red is all those things that make her love him. I hate that colour.

But red...

It's also the colour of the ribbons Tohru wore on my birthday last year. It also represents all the love in her heart, and whoever that belongs to, it makes no difference because it's beautiful all the same.

"Yun-kun?" I heard someone call my name, the voice was soft and pleasant and it belonged to someone I knew very well but...I couldn't quite...

"Haru," I had to turn to identify him.

"Dinner," he said simply, and I turned away and made the mistake of concluding that he'd just come here to say that and now had left the room.

But then, I've become used to disappointment.

"Tohru's been looking everywhere for you, why didn't you reply to her when she called you?" he said.

It really wasn't like Haru to meddle in things that didn't concern him, not White Haru anyways. I considered giving him a smart-alec answer simply because nothing interesting had happened today and maybe Black would help liven up everything. It was so far from red, after all. Then I decided instead that what I needed most right now, aside from a long and steamy shower, was a friend.

This wasn't looking so good.

I was surprised when I turned around again and saw a soft look in his eyes and remembered that unrequited feelings weren't strictly meant for me alone. Still, I wasn't about to pour my heart out to him, I wasn't about to pour my heart out to anyone.

"I'm thinking," I replied, and much to my own surprise, I was eager to hear what he had to say to that.

"About what?" he asked.

I looked away and could feel a familiar sting in my eyes which was no doubt the result of the answer to his question.

"Red."

It's been three months, and Shigure-san has noticed a few changes as well. The first is an obvious one, Kyou and Tohru and how their friendship has blossomed into so much more.

The second is a change in me.

"Yuki-kun? Would you like to go for a walk with me?" he asked, flashing me a smile that only he could.

"Am I going to end up sleeping on the floor somewhere and having to listen to you and Nii-san celebrating each other all night?" I asked dryly.

Sarcasm has recently befriended me in a way that I can only thank God for.

"Yun-kun!" his hand fluttered dramatically to his chest, "I'm hurt."

"No you're not," I replied, "You're disappointed that there will be no voyeurism taking place tonight. At least, none concerning me."

"Is that an offer?" he gave me a perverted grin.

"You should be ashamed of yourself," I coughed.

"Oh well," he said softly, and I nearly growled when I noticed his shoulders slumping, "Be that way then."

I looked out the window to see Kyou and Tohru walking hand in hand away from the house. I can only stare at their backs as they disappear into the forest and hope that I don't have to look either of them in the eyes any time today.

I can feel emotions swelling my heart until I feel it will burst if I don't let some of it out. And so I do. In salty drops of false hope streaming down my cheeks.

Red.

It's everything I can't stand.

Everything she loves about him.

Everything I can't bear to face.

Suddenly, my eyes widen and I remember that Shigure is in the room with a little assistance from the hand on my shoulder pulling me back to reality.

I don't want to hear that I'll get over it. I don't want to hear that I should be a happy for them. I want to cry and sulk and lose myself in these feelings.

"Red..." I cry and I can hear my voice break.

I can no longer feel Shigure's hand on my shoulder, and when it physically disappears I'm not the slightest bit more cold. I can just barely hear his voice on the phone, calling Hatori because he doesn't quite know what to do with me himself.

I decide look into the window again and I can see a faint reflection of myself for the first time in weeks. The violet pools are dark and no less shallow than a spoon. But behind that there's another colour, another colour that Shigure and Hatori and Kyou and even Tohru have been seeing for months now. I hadn't realized it till now.

Red.

&&

Then you woke to find it was just a dream

Fin.