Cake!

"There you are!" Vila announced, as he and Gan presented the massive steel tray with an attempt at a flourish, nearly dropping it on their feet in the process. "It's a -"

"Cake," Avon said finally, voice and face blankly puzzled. "It's a - cake."

"You noticed." Blake, sitting to one side, managed to keep his voice bland and calm; inside, he was dying to laugh. The 'cake' was the size and round, flat-bottomed shape of a Lindorian porcine trough, was the colour of mud, and was 'decorated' with three fat sticks that resembled demented pink rockets.

"A very very large cake," Vila said happily. "Zen's food processors don't mess around, do they? It was Cally's idea, though."

"Really."

"I have done some more research into Earth customs," Cally said serenely. "Before the time of the Federation, it was the custom on a human's birthday to give them plum cake, and sparkling drinks," with a glance at the evilly fizzing green jug in Jenna's hands, "and sing birthday songs to them."

Jenna smirked. "We've heard Vila and Gan sing, so we ought to spare you that, but we won't."

"Also to kiss them," Cally went on. "Blake, as Captain, perhaps you should -"

"Yes, well, we'll leave that part," Blake said, a bit too quickly. "Let Avon try the cake first."

"I -?" Avon seemed mesmerised; a slight, peevish frown crossed his face as he noted the lumps of bright orange something. "Plum cake, you said? I don't think -"

"Zen didn't have a recipe for artificial plums," Vila interrupted. "So he used the recycled carrot block we weren't eating."

"Because it tasted so - carroty." Gan added.

"And mixed it with what he said was -" Vila paused, trying to remember, "- prune flavouring. Zen and Orac both said prunes are just reprocessed plums, so it should taste great. There aren't any cake tins on the ship, so we used one of the buckets from the lower hold."

Avon's peevish frown deepened. "Buckets?"

"You know, those things we thought might be alien buckets."

"Or footbaths," Blake said thoughtfully. "Go on, Avon, try it. You have to be first."

"I -?" Avon said again, and stopped, his frown becoming a full-blown glare. "What are those objects on top?"

"Candles," Vila supplied helpfully. "Made of the alien plasteek we found in the hold."

"Well, plasteek or playdow." Blake said even more thoughtfully. "You don't have to eat that, though."

"I -!"

"Well, it is your birthday, Avon," Cally said in her best voice of sweet reason. "So it is your cake."

"And your candles," Vila added gleefully.

"And your birthday songs." Gan nodded.

"And your sparkly drink." Jenna raised the jug, a little too enthusiastically, and splashed both Vila and Gan with evilly fizzing green stuff.

"And your kisses-"

"It's not my birthday," Avon interrupted her quickly.

There was a silence.

"It's not my birthday," he repeated. "That was last month."

"But Vila said -"

All eyes turned to Vila. "Hey, don't look at me! I checked the calendar when we were on Lindor, I got Orac to work out the time differences, I even allowed for the Federation's non-solar time period - oh." he stopped. "Oh. No I didn't."

"A pity." Cally paused. "And none of you," looking at the others, "are having a birthday? After all, we have the drink, the songs, the cake -"

"Not me," Gan said quickly.

"No way." Vila backed away from Jenna and the jug, and almost into the cake.

"Sorry, no." Blake's voice was a trifle strained, but he still didn't laugh.

"I gave them up five space-years ago," Jenna said firmly.

"Well, it has to be someone's birthday somewhere."

"True." Avon stopped frowning and started smirking. "Orac," he raised his voice slightly. "If you are not too busy with your usual important matters, find us the address of the nearest - human - having a birthday."

Blake looked up, saw Avon's smirk, and paused, pretending to think about it.

"What?" Vila looked at them both blankly.

"In the name of the Great and Glorious Cause," Avon deliberately waited until Blake grinned and nodded, "we will brighten their day, do the noble and generous thing, and teleport them a -" he stopped, looked at the monstrous, carroty, alien-bucket-shaped thing, and shuddered, "birthday cake."

-the end-