I usually don't write stories about Morris, but in the premiere for the next ER episode I saw how broken he was, and for the first time we see him cry. So this oneshot is basically speculation on his feelings, not specifically knowing, as I refrain myself from looking at spoilers.
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I felt so broken. Lost. I had made a moron of out of the situation. If I could choose what I call my most idiotic moment, it would have to be this one. There had been so many times I had made wrong choices. But I had felt like this was right. The person I had finally found ended up in the same direction as me, and I loved her.
But in a minute, I had let her go. Let her slip from my hands when I knew she had been the one. It turned out that she was going in the opposite direction and she wanted me to come with her, but I did not allow myself to go with. Now she was never coming back and my worst fears were falling in at full speed as I cried.
She. Was. Never. Coming. Back. The scalpel in my hand didn't seem to matter anymore, as did my job, and it was if I had fallen into a very deep hole with nobody to bring me out if it. I should have known better that something was not right. I had taken that phone, freezing in place, only swallowing that fear in hope that it had not been there. That I had been allowed one last moment to redeem myself, and I had placed that phone up to my ear numbly only to hear those words. The words that were ringing in my ear over and over again.
My hand shook, even as I began focusing back on the patient at hand. The thought ran through my head that should allow somebody else to take over, but I couldn't. I just couldn't, and with that I willed myself that it had never happened. No, she was still here. She was not gone, and I could do this.
I felt their eyes on me. Everybody in the room was watching me closely, with the exception of the patient of the gurney who was in a state of unconsciousness, still needing attention. With the background noise of my ringing ears, I faltered and stepped back, handing the scalpel to the person beside me as I resorted my eyes to the floor as they had been plastered with glue. I had resigned, mumbling that I could no longer do this, and became quiet.
Not my trait at all. But I could hardly speak, and all that could resemble something had been my ragged breaths, only knowing that in a few seconds since I had resigned, had it taken a moment before somebody had voiced concern for my silence. I knew those out of focus words I was hearing were those, but they were drowned out by the heart monitor of the man who was temporarily stable—and suddenly I felt as it should have been him on that gurney.
That was momentarily before common sense had momentarily kicked in and I began backing myself out of the room as I removed my gloves, then my gown, and backed myself against the swinging doors without answering a single question that had been asked. It was as if time was not coming with me, but it might have been better that way, because in a moment I was walking away and I couldn't even fathom knowing if I was coming back.
Presently time wasn't an issue, and I walked out the doors of County, engulfing the cool air as I walked across the ambulance bay. Not sure what to next, I tried to catch my breath as I leaned up against the wall of the hospital. I had never felt so void of emotion, and the only thing I could do was slide down the wall as my body hit the asphalt.