If It Makes You Happy
Though I seem so very happy and carefree all the time, there is actually very little in this world that makes me happy.
And they, I suppose, would be surprised to find out what does make me happy, because it is all such simple things that would never seem to mean anything.
The sun rising in the morning makes me happy, as sure and infallible as it may seem. Because there are some nights that I cannot sleep, for fear that though I may wake up, the sun will never rise again. Every morning I watch the sunrise, because it is sometimes my only reminder that another day has passed and unbelievably, I'm still here.
Snow makes me happy, with all the ice and cold that comes with it. In my childhood, I never once saw snow—I barely even knew it existed.
The first time I saw snow was the one time we were in the far north, and it amazed me how in such a cruel, war-torn world there could still be something so beautiful, so pure, so innocent—so unbroken by everything this world has done to itself.
Every time it snows I can spend hours sitting in a tree, watching the flakes fall silently, barely aware of the world around me or my numbing limbs or sodden clothing. It is enough to simply watch the world become something silent and ethereal, something so...magical.
To see them smile makes me happy. To know that someone in this world, at least, can smile and truly have something worth smiling for—because they never smile without meaning it—makes my heart ache in a way I can't describe.
I think it must be happiness, because what else could it be?
(Perhaps a part of it, just a small part of it, is envy...how I wish I could smile as fearlessly as they can.)
And I'm happy...just to be. I hate who I am, who I was, what I've become...but I can't hate living, no matter how much I wish I could.
(Because then I could have something to blame for this emptiness I feel)
But to be able to live in this world, full of so many beauties and mysteries and even terrible things, full of so many vibrant people living their lives—it's such a wonderful feeling.
I can't feel sad, being able to watch those lives go on, knowing that perhaps in some small way it was my actions that helped them go on.
To live in this world—this beautiful, broken world—and never want to leave it, if only to see them smile—
—would we call that happiness?
...did I seriously just finish another installment of the Death's Masque series? I think I did. Holy crap. How long has it been? Months? I started this a little while back and inspiration just came to me tonight...and suddenly it's done. And it actually turned out pretty well, I think, considering I haven't written this series in months. Short, but it'll take a bit to get back into this. Thanks to Anonymous Void once more for just...sheer awesomeness?
Right. Anyways, I bring this to you on the 28th day of NaNoWriMo, in a fit of not wanting to finish the last 3,000 words of my novel (crazy, I know), with plans to have the 10th chapter of SOY out within the next couple of weeks. Please bear with me until then, and if any of you are Hetalia fans, check out Hush, my newest oneshot. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I hold no claim to Gundam Wing or any related franchises. The plot, however, belongs to me.