"The plan"
A Yami no Matsuei fanfic
by Saoirse
(A/N: Blame it on boredom and a lot of free time...)
Author: I've said this before, and I'll say it again (and maybe this time I'll get away with it, because I tied Hisoka up), but everything in this story is absolutely true, told to me by those involved.
Hisoka: *one eyebrow raised* You tied who up?
Author: Eep! How'd you get out?????
Hisoka: *waves an army knife in the air* Saoirse, if you're gonna tie someone up, you need to learn not to leave them in reach of a knife.
Author: *looks sheepish* Oops… I don't suppose you'd let me get away with it, just this once???
Hisoka: *stares, one eyebrow raised again* What do you think?
Author: *sighs* Fine. Yami no Matsuei does not belong to me, nor do any of the characters. They belong to Matsushita-sensei. As such, please do not sue me! I'm a poor college student, without much money, and I would cry if you sued me. And I'm sure no one wants to see that. But, I do own the plot. And if Matsushita-sensei wanted to give me Hisoka or Tsuzuki (or both!), I wouldn't object. But I'm just sayin'.
Hisoka: *smiles seraphically* See, that wasn't so hard, was it? And I'm just going to ignore that comment about Matsushita-sama giving you Tsuzuki or me.
Author: *grumbles* Stupid pretty boy… ruins everything... at least you almost wear a dress in this one...
Hisoka: What was that?
Author: *fidgeting guiltily* Erm, nothing! On to the story!
Translations
Kagetsukai - one who can control shadows, Tatsumi, for instance
Aa - yes
Genki - enthusiastic, energetic, lively
Baka- idiot, moron
Tsuzuki Asato was bored. It was the end of another long, case-less (and therefore paperwork-filled) week and the members of the Shokan division were suffering through the weekly staff meeting. Those were never fun, but today's was particularly bad. The meeting space where they normally met was being renovated (it was right next to Watari's lab, and it blew up the last time he made something go BOOM), so they were all crammed into a tiny, stiflingly hot conference room, enduring lectures and boring (but necessary nonetheless) reports.
Glancing around the table at the other Shinigami, Tsuzuki noticed he was not the only one tuning out the droning voice of the division's secretary, Tatsumi Seiichiro. At present, Tatsumi was lecturing the Shinigami on staying within budget, as he did every week. Next to Tsuzuki, his partner, Kurosaki Hisoka, was staring at his notebook with glazed eyes and heat-flushed cheeks, doodling absently all over his notes, which Tsuzuki noticed had started trailing off somewhere towards the beginning of Tatsumi's harangue. Peering at the drawings, Tsuzuki had to stifle a giggle; they all seemed to center around the young, blonde Guardian of Death laughing maniacally as he escaped the clutches (and dresses) of Saya Torii and Yuma Fukiya, the Hokkaido-based Shinigami who seemed to regard Hisoka as their personal clothing model. Tsuzuki also noted that Hisoka had a fair amount of artistic talent, and made a mental note to ask (read: tease) him about it later. 'Maybe I'll even get him to blush,' reflected Tsuzuki, who regarded embarrassing Hisoka as one of his favorite activities, like an older brother who delighted in telling awkward stories about his younger siblings.
Down the table, Terazuma Hajime (Tsuzuki's office rival) had his head on his hand, his eyes half-closed, and his customary cigarette dangling from his lips (it looked like it was about to fall out); he seemed to be nearly asleep. Terazuma's partner, Wakaba Kannuki, had her arms on the table and her head on her arms. Tsuzuki was fairly certain she was asleep. He smiled softly to himself, thinking the girlishly cute Wakaba was probably the only one in the office who could get away with sleeping on the clock. 'Well,' he clarified, 'apart from myself, that is.'
At the front of the room, next to Tatsumi, Chief Konoe was staring off into space, clearly paying attention to neither the speech of his secretary nor the antics of his employees. Tsuzuki knew that on any other day, the chief would bark at them all to keep their minds on the matter at hand. And there was no way he'd normally let Saya and Yuma get away with the hushed glee happening at their part of the table. Tsuzuki nearly wondered what was causing all the giggling down there, before realizing it probably had something to do with Hisoka, a dress, and some rope, so he decided he'd rather not know.
Seeing movement out of the corner of his eye, Tsuzuki turned his head to regard the shadows at the edges of the room. 'Ah,' he thought, amused, 'even Tatsumi is bored, and he's the one talking!' For though the kagetsukai betrayed no signs of emotion, the shadows he controlled were doing it for him. Looking away from the slightly disturbing sight of what seemed to be the shadow equivalent to yawning, Tsuzuki noticed that his initial assessment of the other Shinigami had been inaccurate; there was at least one person in the room who seemed neither bored nor uninterested.
Across the table from Tsuzuki, the Shokan division's resident mad scientist/doctor/all around handyman, Watari Yutaka, was smiling and busily writing in his notebook, apparently taking notes. 'No way,' thought Tsuzuki in amazement. 'There is absolutely no way Watari is actually paying attention! What, did pigs grow wings and I just didn't notice?' And Tsuzuki definitely didn't like the gleam in is coworker's eye; over the years, he had learned Watari only looked like that when he was up to one of his crazy schemes, whether it was testing his latest concoction on his unwilling guinea pig office mates or coming up with a new and improved way to annoy Tatsumi. 'But,' he reasoned, 'there's nothing he could have done to any of us, nobody's eating or drinking anything he could have gotten his hands on, so there's really no cause for me to worry.' Reassured, he went back to studying the various levels of boredom displayed around the room.
Suddenly, the chocolate-haired Shinigami felt his partner stiffen next to him, then start lightly tugging at his sleeve. Tsuzuki turned to Hisoka, concern filling his amethyst eyes, and found jade green eyes staring back, horrified shock warring with reluctant laughter in their depths. Surreptitiously, the empathic teen pointed at Watari, then began writing something in his notebook. Guessing that Hisoka wanted him to read as he wrote, Tsuzuki watched the letters forming on the page.
'You will not BELIEVE what Watari's thinking! It's… it's terrible! And he's writing it all down!' Hisoka stopped writing, apparently too appalled by the mind of his coworker to continue.
Taking his own pen (A/N: Tsuzuki has a pen???? Since when is he that prepared for a meeting?), Tsuzuki wrote his response. 'What's he writing then?'
'Are you sure you want to know?'
'Aa.'
'Well, I think it might a story, maybe. But all I know is, his mind is horrifying! He's picturing you as a girl wearing practically nothing, sitting on Hakushaku's lap; Terazuma's a girl, Wakaba's a boy, and they're making out in a corner (which, I must say, is actually pretty hilarious); Tatsumi's wearing a Speedo and making his shadows dance to entertain everyone (EWWWWWW); Konoe's drunk, singing karaoke ; and… (ooooh, he's gonna get it for this one)… I'm female, in a dress, and standing between Saya and Yuma, who are both male and wearing tuxes. And he's imagining himself lying on a couch in the middle of us all, being fanned by the Gushoshin, who I think might also be female. Though their gender is nearly impossible to distinguish to begin with, so I'm not sure.'
Tsuzuki, dismayed by the thought of himself sitting on Hakushaku's lap, but distinctly entertained by the hilarious circumstances of everyone else, wrote, 'I bet he's imagining that his gender switching potion finally worked! What, does he think we'd all praise him for his insanity?' After a moment of hesitation, he also wrote, 'Hey, 'soka, let me pass this on to the rest of the table.'
Obviously not liking the suggestion (A/N: would you want everyone to be picturing you as the opposite gender???), Hisoka responded, 'Why?'
'Because this meeting needs some livening up!'
Catching the drift of his partner's thoughts, Hisoka grinned, Tsuzuki's visualization of the crazy blonde scientist running away from his torch- and pitchfork-bearing coworkers making him silently chuckle, and carefully tore the page out of his notebook, then passed it to Tsuzuki, who in turned passed it to the Gushoshin sitting on a raised chair next to him. Startled out of his near hypnotized state, the small birdlike creature (A/N: I think it's the elder Gushoshin) took the note and began reading, his younger brother looking over his shoulder. Still torn between amusement, horror, and annoyance, Tsuzuki watched as both Gushoshin began choking with a strange mixture of rage and laughter. Leaning down to the elder brother, Tsuzuki whispered, "Pass it on," so the two librarians poked Terazuma, who was next to them, and handed him the paper. The shikigami-possessed Shinigami made a small, strangled sound after reading and nudged his partner, who woke up with a start. Giving Terazuma a dirty look, she too read the note, then gasped, and passed it to Saya and Yuma, on her other side. Tsuzuki felt Hisoka shudder as the two bubbly, Hisoka-obsessed girls finished reading and looked up at the wheat-haired teen with identical, slightly maniacal, predatory smiles. (A/N: I think they liked the part about Hisoka being a girl, especially since he's wearing a dress!)
The paper passed around the table, skipping Watari when it reached him (the Shinigami wisely keeping their knowledge of his imaginings secret from him), until it reached Konoe. When the chief began to splutter, Tatsumi faltered in his lecture, stopping altogether when his boss held the note under his nose. The slight tittering and outraged whispers that had been happening around the table fell silent as everyone watched the secretary's eye begin to tic; when Tatsumi finished reading, he looked up, straight at Watari, a murderous gleam in his eye. Following Tatsumi's lead, everyone looked at the scientist as well, most of them none too happy with his perverted mind.
After a few moments, Watari seemed to notice that silence reigned in the conference room (or maybe he felt the malevolent stares directed at him) and looked up. Realizing everyone was looking at him, he glanced around the table in befuddlement, first at a fuming Terazuma, then a glaring Hisoka, and finally, almost reluctantly, an irate Tatsumi, he fidgeted nervously, then innocently asked, "What?"
No one answered, but Tatsumi silently handed Watari the paper that had made the whole circuit of the table, full of the normally genki (though not so much now) scientist's mad delusions. Reading what Hisoka and Tsuzuki had written, his eyes widened and his face turned white. Guiltily, he closed the notebook in front of him, then looked up, pleading in his amber eyes. "I can explain! Really, I ca-" Watari immediately cut off what he'd been about to say as Tatsumi held up his hand. The very nervous scientist looked at the kagetsukai fearfully.
After a moment of tense silence (A/N: for dramatic effect, eh, Tatsumi?), the very ticked off secretary spoke. "Watari, because I'm in a good mood," obviously sarcasm was dripping heavily, "I'll give you to the count of 3 before I have your coworkers hold you down and give you what's coming to you." Watari fearful look changed to panic as Tatsumi began counting.
"1…"
The blonde man looked wildly at the others around the table, seeking a sympathetic eye.
"2…"
Realizing no one really cared what Tatsumi did to him, Watari jumped up (fumbling only slightly when he nearly dropped his notebook) and ran for the door.
"3." Tatsumi's glasses flashed as he finished counting and the mad scientist made his escape, then he smirked and said the two words the entire room had been waiting for since reading the empathic observations of Hisoka. "Get him."
The room cleared as quickly as if someone had said, "Free baklava in the break room," perhaps faster. When the dust cleared, the only ones left in the room were Tsuzuki and Hisoka. The latter was running in place, trying to tug his shirt out of the grasp of the former. Clearly, he had also been ready to chase the perverted scientist to hand him his doom and had been stopped by his partner. Also clearly, he was not pleased.
"Baka! Let me go! I wanna get 'im! He imagined me in a dress! And his pictures of you and Tatsumi are gonna scar me for life! Well, death, that is."
Tsuzuki just smiled angelically, though his eyes betrayed a hint of deviousness. "But, 'soka, if you wait to get your revenge, Watari won't be expecting it, and then it'll be that much sweeter." His smile then turned sly and he added, "And then I'll also be able to tell you about a little 'joke' I've been cooking up for years, something you can be sure Watari'll never forget."
Stopping for a moment to consider this suggestion, Hisoka grinned malevolently at his partner, scheming emerald mirroring devious amethyst. "You're right. Tell you what, let's go get something to eat, my treat, and you can tell me all about this 'joke' of yours."
Laughing, Tsuzuki stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Great idea! In fact, it's so great, I'll start telling you now. See, it goes like this…"
As the pair left the room, a tiny ball of grey fluff fluttered down from its previous spot near the ceiling and surveyed the chaotic room below. Chairs were overturned and papers strewn all about the floor; if it was possible for owls to smile, 003 would have. Hearing a shriek coming from the direction of the lab (A/N: sounds like everyone finally caught Watari!), 003 decided she had better go play the concerned pet once more. But her plan to take over the mad scientist's mind was working marvelously; it was she who had sent the story idea to him (A/N: yes, I did make 003 telepathic! Or, rather, Watari did, a long time ago. He just forgot) knowing full well his coworkers would not take kindly to it. And when the time was right, she would swoop in (literally) and take over, directing his research to a more important field. Finally, under 003's control, Watari would invent an owl pellet that didn't taste like a dead mouse and the world would stand in awe of the tiny owl! At that last thought, the grey ball of fluff zoomed out of the devastated conference room and one could have sworn there was a hint of manic laughter echoing through the air.
Fin
Author: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I made 003 evil! Yes, folks, it can be done!
Hisoka: Saoirse, you subjected me to all that mental scarring just so you could make that adorable little owl evil?????
Author: Well, no, not exactly… The story kind of had a mind of its own and that last bit just came to me…
Hisoka: *looks skeptical* Uh-huh. Right. Are you sure 003's not controlling you, too?
Author: o.O Eep! Aaaaaaaah! You might be right! *runs off, screaming*
Hisoka: Oookay then. *to audience* Well, that's it, folks, shows over. Oh, and please rate and review, it might make Saoirse so happy, she'll never write an insane story ever again. Though I wouldn't count on it, if I were you. Thank you. *walks off*
A/N: Well, there you have it. I'm not entirely sure where this story came from, apart from my own boredom in my least favorite class. (Seriously, if they're gonna make us take a computer literacy class, shouldn't the students have computers to work with in class and a competent teacher, at the very least?????) So, I was bored and wondered what might happen if Tsuzuki was bored. This ensued. Please, as Hisoka requested, rate and review! It'll be much appreciated and I may never subject you to something like it again (yeah right...). :) Of course, this may turn into a two shot, if I can ever decide how to get Hisoka's revenge on Watari... ideas would be extremely helpful, as what I'm stuck with right now is Tsuzuki and Hisoka getting everyone to treat Watari like a very attractive female for a day (blame it on his long hair and gender-switching obsession for suggesting it to me!), but I'm not really sure where to go with it! And, of course, I must include the evilness of 003. Seriously, nothing can be that cute without having some sort of malevolent purpose amidst its adorable fluffiness! (That's why the bunnies are gonna take over the world! o.O) Thank you for reading and I hope you come back for more!