Hello there! I apologize for what is about to be a somewhat lengthy intro. I just need to say a few things to pacify my anxiety about finally posting this for the masses to see.
So, this is my first time posting anything for the Mass Effect fandom (which, honestly, I haven't been a part of for very long, so go easy on me, guys!) but I love these games more than just about anything ever, so I really hope you find that I do the characters justice. I am so, so very nervous about posting this, and I've been writing on it for a verrrrry long time (it's currently undergoing a complete re-write from the original version, but the first few chapters are edited well enough to be posted, I feel). Anyway, this is the story of Zoe, my Paragon Shepard, who grew up as an orphan on the streets of New York, and survived the massacre on Akuze. It starts out slow, but I swear it gets more thrilling later on, so stick with me and (hopefully) you won't regret it! :)
And now here is probably the only content warning I will give for a while - This story contains alcohol use, a brief rape mention, boat loads of swearing, consensual sexual situations (way later on - this one I will warn about before it comes up), and graphic depictions of violence. If you're squeamish, or triggered by any of this, now's your chance to turn back!
Thank you so much, in advance, for taking the time out of your day to check this out. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have been writing it!
Chapter 1 - It's Been An Honor
"You can't do this, Shepard," Liara's azure eyes glistened with tears and worry, "Stay here with me, I can keep you safe until this all dies down."
"Liara, you know this is the right thing. Please, don't try to talk me out of it. I just came to say goodbye," the commander reached out for the woman's slender hand, gripping it tightly, "I don't know what they'll do to me, so it may be a long time before I see you again."
"I won't let you go," the doctor choked out a sob as she stepped closer to the other woman, "Please, Zoe."
Liara had only called the commander by her first name a handful of times, and the desperation in that familiar voice yanked at her heart. Shepard dropped her gaze to the ground, shaking her head defeatedly. The stained metallic floor of the Shadow Broker base seemed to radiated cold all around them, exacerbated by the steely tone in which she spoke to her old friend.
"I'm sorry, Liara. This is the way it has to be," Zoe dropped the asari's hand and turned to leave, "I should go."
"Zoe…" Liara was obviously trying hard to maintain her composure, but to no avail, "I don't want to do this without you again."
"I know, but you've come this far on your own, and you'll be fine," Shepard stopped in her tracks and peered at the woman over her shoulder, "You're one of my best friends, Liara. I won't forget everything you've done for me. And if I ever get out of this mess, we'll see each other again, I promise."
With that, she continued on her way, quickening her pace to put as much distance between herself and her weeping friend as fast she could. When she stepped back into the Normandy, the faces that greeted her were grim and anxious. They'd been lucky to get out with few casualties, and since the destruction of the Batarian relay, several of the crew had already taken off to avoid the inevitable trouble once Shepard sent the word to dock at Alliance headquarters. She'd known, as soon as she'd made her final decision, that she was going to pay for what she'd done. So, she'd given them plenty of warning that her next order of business would be to turn herself in, even before Hackett had demanded it.
Kasumi and Jack were the first to abandon ship, and understandably so. It hadn't been anything personal, and Shepard would have done the same in the girls' positions. Still, she missed them terribly already. She'd spent so many nights on the Normandy, shooting the shit with Jack and discussing literature with Kasumi that she'd grown incredibly close to both of them. Shepard had never been the kind of woman to have female friends, or friends in general, but those two were like no other females she'd ever met. They both had understood her in different ways, and to not have them there when she was about to make the hardest sacrifice of her career was weighing on her already fragile reserves.
Thane had been the next to go, and the tired, strained look on his face when he'd said goodbye still haunted her mind. He'd pushed himself too hard and it showed. Sympathy was not Shepard's strong suit, but after she'd spent so much time with these individuals, seen them throw their lives on the line for her, she couldn't help but feel tied to them. Miranda and Jacob had left together; however, last she'd heard they'd gone their separate ways shortly thereafter. One by one, the crew trickled out into the galaxy, until the only ones left were herself, Kelly, Joker, Donnelly, Daniels, Garrus, and a handful of the minor crew that were brave enough to face the music.
Having her last few friends around made her feel a touch less nervous about what she was about to do, but it didn't forgive the fact that everything she'd worked so hard for was about to be stripped away from her. Liara's suggestion to stay with her, hidden away at the Shadow Broker base, had been more tempting than she'd let on, but Shepard was a woman of honor. She knew she owed it to Anderson and Hackett, if no one else, to give herself over to the consequence. Surely, they would see reason, and in turn, force the Council to do the same. After all, she was a Spectre, and her actions had been necessary, no matter who she'd previously worked with or what ripple effect her last decision had caused.
The thought of knowing she'd been working willingly with Cerberus these past few months made bile rise in her throat. She'd been so focused on the responsibility of saving the galaxy that she'd never stopped to consider who she'd been fighting along side. When she finally crossed into her cabin later that night, she felt a queazy wave of regret crest through her body. Akuze had been their doing. She'd known it, but she hadn't let it sink in until that very moment. The risk of letting that fact edge to the forefront of her mind was too great. If she'd dwelled on it for long enough, she would have walked away from Cerberus a long time ago, and the world would have lost more people than it already had.
Shepard owed it to herself, as much as to the Admirals, to relinquish herself. She wanted to be punished for her ties to the rebel organization. Hell, after working with them, as far as she was concerned she may as well have released those thresher maws onto Akuze of her own accord. Another reason, on the already long list, to blame herself for the things that had happened there. She lay facedown on the bed, wallowing in her own self-pity, when the door buzzed loudly to let her know she had a visitor. With a heavy sigh, she rolled off the downy comforter and crossed to answer.
Garrus strode into the room, his usual overly confident self, "So, how did it go with Liara?"
"She was upset," the commander followed him down the stairs to the couch, noticing the two bottles of alcohol he was carrying.
"Well, don't tell me you didn't see that coming," there was laughter in his voice, but his words were strained, as everyone's had been lately.
"Yeah, but I didn't expect it to hit me like it did," she sighed and sank down into the cushiony leather sofa, dropping her head backwards, "This is too much, Garrus. We saved the galaxy, but for what? To be branded traitors and murderers? Because we killed some batarians, when we didn't even have a choice?"
"Not to be cynical, Shepard, but we killed several thousand batarians," the turian passed her one of the containers, not even bothering to collect the two of them any glasses, and broke his bottle open to take a long swig, "You had to know you weren't going to get off easily, no matter what decision you made there."
"They have to see that. I was fucked either way I went. If I'd refused to destroy the relay, they'd have called me the same things, or maybe worse, once the Reapers came through," she followed Garrus' lead with her own bottle, dismal at the knowledge that she wouldn't get another chance to drink and talk with him like this again any time soon.
"You, of all people, should know by now that they don't understand. They don't have to make decisions like you do, and they never will, so they'll never get it," his mandibles twitched in agitation, but a second later his features softened, "Look, Shepard, I just want you to know that I think you're doing the right thing."
Her brows shot up in shock at his admission, "I can't lie, I'm surprised to hear you say that, Vakarian."
"I know, it surprises the hell out of me too, but if there's anything I've learned from you, it's that you can't let your personal hang ups get in the way of your moral obligations, and your duty to the galaxy," he took another long gulp before continuing, "If we'd been forced into this life, it would be one thing, but we chose this and it's who we are — you more than anyone else I've ever met. I don't know why you decided to become a soldier, but the galaxy owes you more than one lifetime. I just wish they'd grow the hell up and realize it."
"You always know what to say, Garrus," she smirked at him, swallowing the lump in her throat with a lengthy swig of the strong, delicious whiskey, "I'm glad you decided to forego the glasses."
"It's a bottom of the bottle kind of night," he chuckled, and she could tell he was already starting to feel the buzz as much as she was, "I don't know what they'll have in mind for us when we get there, but I'm with you. So is Joker, and everyone else that stuck around. Hell, everyone that left is with you, but I think you already know that."
"Yeah, they had their reasons for leaving," she pointed the neck of the bottle at him purposefully, "Honestly, I wish you and Joker would get your asses out of here too. I'm the one that's supposed to go down with the ship. I don't want any of you getting in trouble just for standing up for me."
"I've been here with you since all this began, I'm not about to back out now," he eyed her with a sly expression, "Besides, if I leave, I might miss the look on your face when they slap you in cuffs. Everything is all good and peaceful now, but something tells me you won't be so docile when they take you in."
"I know what I'm getting myself into. Besides, Anderson and Hackett are on my side. They believe me about the Reapers, and they've already promised to do all they can to get me some kind of pardon," she glanced down at her container, already close to halfway empty, "Then again, you may be right, at the rate I'm going. I'll probably be a lot less understanding with a raging hangover."
The turian gave a hearty laugh and raised his drink to her, "To you, Commander, and all the insane hoops you've drug us through. I wouldn't have wanted to take this ride with anyone else."
"To you, Garrus, and all the insufferable snark you've put me through," she shot him a playful wink, clinking her bottle to his, "I wouldn't have wanted my guns calibrated by anyone else."
"Is that innuendo, Commander?" his eyes narrowed mischievously, "I never knew you felt that way."
"In your dreams, Vakarian," she snorted a chuckle and threw her feet up on the coffee table, the alcohol swimming through her brain, making everything slightly hazy around her.
"My wildest, it's true," she couldn't tell if he was being sincere, though she highly doubted it, "But who among us isn't undeniably enamored by the great Commander Shepard?"
"Shit, I'd rethink that if I were… anyone," her words were starting to slur against her will, "Anyone who gets that close to me may as well have a sign around their neck that says 'Dead Man Walking'."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Shep," his face flashed from amused to empathetic in a split second, "Alenko wasn't your fault. There wasn't anything you could have done."
"One of them would have died, regardless. But I chose Ashley? She didn't particularly like me before, and now she thinks I'm the lowest scum on Earth," Shepard let out a frustrated grumble, "Kaidan…"
"As I recall, he wasn't always your favorite person," Garrus eyed her knowingly, "As a matter of fact, I seem to remember you telling me that kissing him was one of the biggest mistakes you'd ever made."
Her eyes shot wide, and her face twisted into anger, "That's not fair! I only said that because I was afraid I was leading him on. And that was before… he died for me… for all of us."
"You can't make yourself feel something for someone just because they sacrificed themselves for you," he crossed one leg over the opposite knee and leaned back, stretching his thin arm along the back of the couch, "You were lonely, it's understandable. Hell, Shepard, if you gave your heart to everyone that was willing to take a bullet for you, you'd have a damn harem at your beck and call."
That thought made her laugh out loud, but something about it caused a sadness to sweep through her at the same time. Not only had she always had a hard time making friends, but she'd also never given her heart to anyone willingly, save for one particular instance. She washed the thought away quickly, with another quick gulp of liquor. Her bottle was reaching it's end, as was her comrade's, and they were both now visibly swaying with intoxication. There wasn't a thing in all the universe that could prepare her for tomorrow, but the whiskey was at least helping her not to think on it too lengthily.
"Nothing about being my friend has ever been easy, has it?" she wasn't purposefully trying to bring down the mood, but her drunken state was turning to depression no matter how hard she fought against it.
"If being your friend had been easy, we wouldn't get along so well," he nudged her shoulder gently with the back of his hand, "And you're a good friend, Shepard, and a damn good leader. They can strip you of every title they've ever given you, but don't let them beat that out of you."
She nodded solemnly, her grey eyes clouded with contrition, "I won't."
"Good girl," he clapped her shoulder and shifted forward in his seat to stand, "Now, if I can find my legs, I'm going to get out of here and go pass out somewhere. Try not to dwell on things, okay? It will all work itself out in the end."
Zoe scoffed, rolling her eyes with a leery smirk, "You have a lot more faith in the Council than I do."
"No, I have faith in you. You've defeated enemies that were a lot more foreboding than a few stuffed shirts with entitlement issues. You'll pull through this, and I'll have your back the whole way," he gave her a reassuring nod and stood as steadily as he could manage.
"Thanks, Garrus. I owe you a lot," she tipped her bottle to him respectfully.
"You're damn right you do," the turian started towards the door, "Goodnight, Shepard. And if I don't get to say it later, good luck tomorrow."
"Goodnight," it was the only word she could manage through the inebriated fog that was misting over her.
When the door finally slid closed behind him, she could feel liquor laced tears well on the edges of her eyelids. She glanced around the room, taking in the whole of it, forcing through the haze of alcohol to tattoo the place into her memory. She could only wish that she would see it again one day, but she wasn't going to get her hopes up over a long shot. Shepard could very clearly remember the day that Anderson had handed the Normandy over to her. Even with Saren's treachery looming on the horizon, it had been the happiest day of her life. When she'd seen it again after she'd woken up after being dead, it'd been like stepping into a dream. The ship had been better, faster, stronger, and somehow even more beautiful than it had been before. She couldn't thank Cerberus for much, not even necessarily for bringing her back to life, but she could at least appreciate the fact that they'd given her back the only home she'd ever known.
Shepard woke up the next morning, curled into a ball on the plush sofa, the chill of the leather seeping into her skin — a welcome sensation as she was greeted with the barest hint of a hangover looming at the edge of her consciousness. It was mornings like this that she thanked whatever deity that might be listening that she was cursed with biotic powers in youth. It could have been worse, much worse, otherwise. She wondered, as she pushed herself groggily off the slick cushions, how Garrus was handling himself at present. His tolerance wasn't nearly as high as hers, and she couldn't help but feel sorry for the turian. No doubt, he was nursing a wicked headache, wherever he'd disappeared off to.
She forced herself through a short shower, afterwards struggling through a small bout of nausea to shove herself into her dress blues. She tugged a brush, haphazardly, through her long black hair, and each time she yanked the bristles against an unruly knot, stabbing pains would shoot blindingly across her forehead and temples. Not exactly the best state to be in when she was about to turn herself over to the Alliance, but she wouldn't have given up that last night with her best friend, and the talk they'd had, for anything in the galaxy.
As she was busying herself with her makeup, Joker's voice chimed in over the intercom, "You awake, Commander?"
"Yeah, I think so," she groaned, struggling to steady her hand as she applied her eyeliner, "Have we docked yet?"
"Yep. We got here about an hour ago. Garrus said you probably needed to sleep in a little, so he's out there keeping them distracted," the apprehension is his voice was almost palpable, "Are… you sure about this, Commander?"
"I'm sure, Joker. Send word to Garrus that I'll be out there in just a few minutes," she tossed the slender pencil carelessly into the sink, plucking her dark maroon lipstick from the counter with trembling fingers.
"Well, if you change your mind, let me know. My fingers are itching to hit that light-speed button, whenever you say the word," his usual playful tone was wrought with mounting anxiety.
"No, I have to do this. But thanks. I really appreciate you sticking through this with me," she finished up her face and skillfully whipped her hair up into a smooth, professional bun.
"Whatever, you better come see me before you take off," the sentimental sound of his voice sent a sharp pang straight to through her chest.
"I will… Be up in a second," she gave herself one last quick look over and passed out of the bathroom to scan the room one more time, now that she'd sobered up.
Her model ships sparkled in the artificial light, and when her gaze passed over the helmet she'd pulled from the SR-1's wreckage, Shepard's heart dropped to her feet. She ran her fingers along its scarred surface, feeling that all too familiar sting in her eyes once more. Quickly, she spun away from it and tromped towards the exit, eager to pull herself away before the emotions she was fighting could overwhelm her. She was angry, sad, and worst of all, full of regret. As she exited the elevator, into the CIC, Zoe took in every inch of it, the same way she had the cabin. Taking in a deep, steadying gulp of air, she breathed in the scent of the place. Home… it smelled like home, and it felt like home, and she was about to lose it for good. Not even Cerberus could bring her back from this, even if she'd wanted them to.
She crossed onto the bridge and approached Joker, who spun in his seat and raised up quicker than he should have. He stumbled a bit, and Shepard gripped his shoulders to steady him. When she took hold of him, to her surprise, he jerked forward and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. She felt him let out a heavy sigh, as he pulled back to look her in the eyes. He searched her face for a moment, his brow furrowed with concern.
"It's been an honor working with you, Commander," he tightened his lips into a line that was probably meant to be a smile.
"Same to you, Joker," she took his hands in hers and gave them a gentle squeeze, "For what it's worth, I'll put in a good word for you. I'm not sure if they'll listen, but it's worth a shot."
"You don't have to do that, Shepard. You shouldn't have to go down alone for this," he shook his head slightly, and the shimmer of tears in his eyes wasn't lost on the commander.
"Yes, I do, Jeff. You… all of you… were only doing what I asked you to do. I'm not going to let you rot in a cell because you were doing your duty to save the galaxy. You had my back when I needed you, now I finally have a chance to at least try to pay you back for all of it," with that, she dropped his hands, taking a step back to retreat, and sweeping her eyes across the room, "Later, Joker. Take care of her for me."
"The Normandy won't be the same without you, Commander," he let out a shallow breath as she turned and marched out of the sliding doors — on her way to sacrifice herself, once again, for the cause.
The media firestorm was like nothing she'd ever seen or experienced. Sure, over the years, she'd had her run-ins with the paparazzi. She'd even willingly participated in photo shoots and an interview or two for Alliance promotional material. But, this was a whole different league of insanity. The path leading into the headquarters was teaming with hundreds of bodies, human and alien alike. Some screaming and protesting, others fawning with admiration — all of them collectively trying to get a glimpse of her as she shielded her face from the flashing of cameras and microphones protruding from the throng.
"Miss Shepard! Miss Shepard! The world wants to know, do you feel any remorse about the thousands of batarians that died by your hands? Wasn't there another way? Do you have anything to say to the people that lost their families last week?"
Shepard felt a wave of nausea swim through her gut, as she watched the guards around her forcefully shove the microphones away from her face. She wanted to say a million things, but she bit her tongue at every one of them, knowing it was better to keep quiet for now. As she started up the stairs, her eyes shot upwards, mercifully catching a glimpse of a familiar face among the crowd.
"Commander Shepard has no comment at this time," came Anderson's booming voice, somehow cutting through the raucous yelling of the unruly masses, "We will be holding a press conference later this evening, right here in the front of the building. Until then, I'll have to ask you all to clear the premises immediately, otherwise we'll have no choice but to forcefully remove the lot of you."
She pushed through the guards and darted towards him, "Anderson! I've never been so happy to see you in my life!"
"Come on, Shepard," he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close, the rabble intentionally ignoring his words as they surged forward, crowding the two of them until Zoe felt her breathing constrict with the first signs of a panic attack, "Get back! Men, I've got Shepard, you all deal with these idiots!"
He shoved her up the stairs at lightening speed, just barely making it through the doors before the mob could assail them. Shepard's heartbeat thundered in her ears and her breath was coming out in choked gasps. She'd never felt so helpless in her life — even after almost being slaughtered by just about every species in the galaxy, those few moments had ranked among some of the most frightening in her life. As they made their way through the winding hallways, Anderson relinquished his hold on her, putting a professional distance between, while leading her silently to their destination.
As they approached the conference room, he stopped and spun on his toes to face her, "Listen, Shepard. I'm going to do all I can to get you as light of a sentence as possible, but I'm not going to lie to you either. It doesn't look good. The Council is grabbing at any straw they can find to take humanity down a peg or two."
"So, stripping their poster girl of her command is an opportunity they just can't pass up," she frowned deeply, her eyes narrowing onto his face skeptically.
"They're not just talking about stripping you of your command, Shepard. They're considering revoking your Spectre status and dragging you through a trial. You know what that means — you'll have a permanent black mark on your record. Possible dishonorable discharge. You stand to lose a lot more than your ship, if they get their way," he clenched his jaw, staring her down with a pained expression.
"They wouldn't! I just saved their asses!" Zoe bared her teeth, her anxiety dissolving into rage as if someone had flipped a switch inside her.
"You think they care about that? It's all about keeping up appearances to them. You've got an entire species, or what's left of them, out for your blood. A deadly one, at that. They'd rather pacify the batarians than worry about whether one soldier is getting treated fairly or not. Besides, if you hadn't've been working for Cerberus beforehand, things wouldn't be so cut and dried," he blew out through his nostrils, causing them to flare like an angry bull, "I know it's not ideal, Shepard, but you should consider yourself lucky that you're not getting hanged for this. We'll keep you here at headquarters until the trial. You're fortunate you came to us when you did. They're on the hunt for revenge and if those damn batarians did manage to get their hands on you, you'd be in for a lot more pain than just a rope around your neck."
"Understood, sir," she tightened her lips to keep herself from saying more, as he gripped her arm to pull her towards the room.
Her fate was about to be decided for her, and as they crossed the threshold into the office, she wished with all her might that she'd taken up Liara's offer, or Joker's… or anyone of them that had tried to convince her that this had been a horrible idea.