Hello this is just a little one shot I thought I'd try out. I know it's a bit random but then again, life is full of variation. Hehe

I hope it makes some sense.

x

A Life of Paine

"I'm so sorry!" she could feel the tears trickle down her flushed cheeks as she whispered into his ear. She stifled a sob as he just shook his head, she could see his face was pained – it must still be stinging. How could she have let them do it to him? This was all her fault! Why did she get him involved? He'd sacrificed so much for her! She thought about how they could've even had him shot for treason. How he would have been dead and it would have been her fault! She would've killed him! She couldn't contain her emotions, the thought of him not being here and because of her! How could she possibly go on without him? If he wasn't around! To laugh with, joke with, tell all her thoughts to, she'd never found anyone else like that! He was so special to her; she didn't know how she'd ever cope!
A small cry sounded from her throat as she kneeled in front of him. "S- Sorry…I'm so- so sorry!"
"Don't worry about it!" his throat was obviously dry as his voice was husky and he winced.

"Why did you do it?" she asked hushed, regaining her breath.

Slowly pausing he answered, "I would do it a thousand times over to keep you safe! NO one is going to get away with doing that to you!" She wrapped her arms around his neck and he coughed! She didn't even want to think about any of it anymore! The whole ordeal was constantly replaying in her mind no matter what she did to try and stop it.

"You shouldn't risk your life for me!" she replied into his shoulder.
"But I loved it; it felt brilliant to shoot that bastard after what he did! I have a huge weight off my mind now, it's like I finally know you'll be safe!"

"I was fine!" she urged.

Looking at her sternly he said, "You were not fine!" Shaking his head he replied with his hands still tied behind his back, "Having to watch you go through that torment was hell in itself! You don't know the relief I feel to see you now, your face so much less fearful!"

"I'm sorry-"

"DON'T BE! Promise me, you will never be sorry for that? It was never your fault! NONE of it! I didn't go through all that for you to be feeling guilty!" he tried to joke but it just made her start weeping again! "Shhh, it's ok! I'm fine, in fact I'm Great!"

"Look at yourself! You're still bleeding from those lashes!" gingerly she moved behind him and began to mop the torn skin on his back. He let out a cry and she stuttered, "Thank you Gippal for everything! But please just don't ever risk your life like that again!"

"Nepai…" There was a silence as she continued to gently clean him up, "I love you, and I'm just so sorry I couldn't save you sooner!"

Pausing she kissed the nape of his neck and whispered into his skin, "I'm still here aren't I?"

"But are you here in one piece!?" he questioned the air. Not that he could talk much with the amount he'd just had thrashed out of him but still, it didn't matter, it meant he was getting closer, slowly, to how she'd felt! Whatever pain he could endure he'd take, he'd wanted to dedicate himself to sharing her suffering and that meant that whatever was thrown at him, he'd readily welcome!

"Let's not talk of such things! It's getting old!" She dismissed his enquiry.

"It's never going to get old and you know it!" he seemed harsh but he wanted her to face it, to confront her fear, to no longer feel scared! He was going to make her strong again, whatever that meant!

"Look at what they've done to you!" She ignored his comment, she just wanted to forget, she didn't believe his method of facing up to what was hurting but instead to move on quietly.

"I can feel it and that's bad enough!" he winced as she continued to pat his wounds with a damp cloth. She couldn't help but weep again at that, she didn't mean to cause him so much pain. Even if he had told her he'd wanted to feel it, she didn't understand why! He was crazy, so crazy he even thought that shooting the problems away would solve it all. Not that she wasn't grateful, she was ecstatic but she didn't want him to risk all that for her! "Don't cry! I'm ok, really. Could you untie me though?" She did as he requested and when the ropes fell away she could see more cuts deep into his wrist. Covering her mouth she couldn't understand how she'd become so suddenly squeamish; all she could do was stare at the ground where the blood stained ropes and cloths were. Closing her eyes a few more tears escaped from underneath her dark lashes.

Gippal turned to her slowly, and wrapped his arms around the crouching girl. "What happened to the strong girl I know!?"
"It's your fault!" she sniffled, trying to smile. "You make me like this!"

All Gippal could do was smile down at her as he held her securely to him. His back was throbbing but he just loved having her close and didn't want to let her go for the world.

"You serious? No one's ever seen them?" Paine asked in disbelief!

"Nope, never. They're mine, I don't wanna share!" he chuckled. She just raised an eyebrow at him. "Well maybe a couple have seen the really manly ones!"

Smiling at the comment about his manly scars, she added, "So you never told anyone how you really got them then?"

"What do you mean?" he questioned like he had no idea what she walking about.

"That they were your punishment for shooting the maester that raped your girlfriend!" They both fell silent, she hadn't meant to be so blunt but it was the truth and the truth hurt. Gippal averted his gaze from her, a look of sadness filled his face and he could only take a defensive tone back.

"Well, I don't think it was really my place to tell that story, do you?" he shot her a quick glance only to see that she was also looking at the floor.

"I just wondered why you never told anyone, even accidentally! It's not like girls wouldn't ask about that sort of thing." She replied.

"I don't give them a chance to ask, it's not for them to know. Anyway, I wouldn't want anyone to ask about her, who she was, what happened to her, where she is now!" he could feel himself get choked up and he swallowed down his feelings as best he could. However, tears still remained to prickle his eyes. Paine could only look on sympathetically. "I want her back Paine, I want to see her again, feel her near me. Have just one moment to hold her and tell her how much I care – how much I miss her, love her!"

"She knows Gippal." Paine spoke softly as he started to shake; she felt he might cry any time.

"Then WHY wont she come back!?! Huh? Why can't she be here now?" he was yelling but Paine wasn't scared she understood but there was nothing she could do, not anymore. "Why did she have to go?! You know you could have stopped this!"

"Gippal, don't…"

"It wouldn't have to be like this! I did all I could! Why didn't she see that?"

"She DID!" Paine protested.

"Then WHY did you let her LEAVE ME?!" Gippal now stood towering above the crimson eyed girl.

"Because! She couldn't cope alright! Don't you realise how hard it was for her? To go through all that?! It was horrible Gippal, horrendous, and if you wanted to end it all without becoming labelled "Deathseeker" what would you have done? It wasn't about you, and YES SHE WAS GRATEFUL! But nothing could have stopped how she felt! Nothing was ever able to stop it after that night! It just kept replaying and it wouldn't leave!" Paine found she was exhausted and she crouched on the ground, she wasn't going to cry, not now, not ever. She was strong and confident and no one ever made her feel worthless, like anything was her fault.

"I did so much to keep her, and I'd do so much more. Please, there must be a way, a way to get her back. Maybe if I stop calling her that...her. Start calling her by her real name." Gippal wondered.

"Don't you dare! She's gone! You can't bring back the dead!" The adamant girl walked up to him, he wouldn't do this to her, not after all she'd done, all she'd worked towards.

"But she's NOT DEAD! Is she?" It was killing him, after Nepai left, ran away, he understood at first, but as time went on it became harder. Then when she finally returned, he realised how wrong he'd been. How much she was willing to do to get rid of that past. Oh, how it hurt day after day to see her face and not be able to talk to her, hold her, kiss her. How she'd denied him and how she apparently, no longer existed. "Are you dead? No, because you're here, standing in front of me. I can reach out and feel you!" Gently he stroked her hair behind her ear. Stepping closer he continued. "I can feel your breathe on my skin and I can put my arms around you. All that I can't do is get you to accept it."

"Maybe because there's nothing to accept."

"Why don't you understand that I don't want to do to you anything that he did, I just want to remember old times with you." He held her in his arms and pulled her tightly into his chest.

Paine fought to hold back tears, why would he be so cruel, why would he do this? His girlfriend was long gone; could he not just accept it? "Let me go!" she almost whispered.

"I loved her. As I love you!"

"You can't love us both," why wouldn't he leave her alone? Yes they were good friends again but it didn't give him the right to do this sort of thing.

"Please! How much do I have to beg? Don't be this anymore, I still love you no matter what but I prefer you when you open up, when you trust me. When we were together, nothing lasts forever I know, but we never ended! I never stopped loving you…Did you ever stop loving me?" he was asking so much.

"Gippal…" this was the first time Paine would ever say this," I can't be her anymore." A shiver ran along her spine as she let out small sobs, he was breaking her, all that she'd become, all that kept her together – all that kept her from going over the edge.

"But you accepted her."

"But I can't be her. I'm NOT HER anymore – I'm Paine. I'm not…Nepai. Not anymore." Weeping into his chest the vulnerable girl felt herself release years of problems and stresses, things she'd constantly pushed to the back of her mind. Things about that night when she'd be trapped, and pinned like a moth. Things about what Gippal had done for her even when she'd firmly told him not to. Everything she had wanted to get away from forever, he brought it back because he couldn't accept her decision to move on. "Why did you do this?" she sniffed as tears ran down her cheeks like marathon runners competing for first place.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I just wanted you back." He confessed as he watched his girlfriend try to compose herself and then fail miserably. There was no going back now, he'd done the damage.

"You don't get it though, do you?! All Nepai will ever live, is a life of pain(e)."

Thank you for reading - Tell me what you think.