A little piece on the anniversary of Paul's death and Carla's miscarriage. Enjoy!
"Or maybe it's just that beautiful things are so easily broken by this world."
Carla pulled the duvet up tighter around in her in her unfamiliar surroundings. She felt out of place, a sense that she didn't belong. She didn't feel like she belonged anywhere any more. The room was dark and unwelcoming, despite the warm feeling of a familiar face in the next room and the memory of his ever sleeping wife closer than ever.
A sadness washed over her as she thought about how the day had been. It had been normal, average, unspectacular. And that felt wrong.
Squeezing her eyes, Carla wills herself not to cry and yet she can't. She never has much willpower when she's alone. Stretching her arm out in the double bed, she longs to feel the warmth of somebody next to her. Not anybody, but somebody. That one person.
"Where are ya?!" She whispered to the dark, wiping her eyes, "Why aren't you here?"
These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase
In the dark, in her intoxicated, exhausted state, Carla could swear she felt the bed dip. She didn't dare breathe and she almost called out, but she stopped herself, shaking her head with a bitter laugh.
"I'm right here." Him.
Carla shook her head, swallowing back, "No, no you're not. Don't do this, please don't do this, Paul." She felt crazy talking to herself in the middle of the night, talking to her dead husband in her friends spare room she was now forced to call home. "You can't be, you can't."
She didn't dare open her eyes. If she opened her eyes the illusion would be shattered and she wasn't sure she could handle it tonight. "Where have you been? I haven't felt you in so long, Paul" If she didn't know better she would swear she felt a warm breath on the back of her neck.
"I've been here all along, Carla. You know that." His voice was distant but so familiar all at once. "Great, now I'm going crazy 'an all." She mumbled, shaking her head.
His laugh made her heart ache and yet it felt as if she might burst with joy. He was so nearly real, she could almost touch him.
Paul had always been just very nearly tangible. Nearly. Never quite reachable.
You used to captivate me by your resonating light, now I'm bound by the life you left behind
"I wanted it to be you Paul, I so badly wanted it to be you." Carla put a hand over her mouth to cover her sob, not wanting to disturb a sleeping Roy for fear of ruining the moment she knew she was imagining. She thought about how she had forced herself to love Paul, pushing herself on him to hide her feelings for his baby brother. It took his death for her to realise her love wasn't forced any more. And then, it was too late.
"Hey shhh now, don't talk about that. You know why I'm here, don't you." Carla almost opened her eyes in surprised but stopped herself. She couldn't ruin this moment, not when it was all she could ever need right now. "'Ow do you know?" Her voice was quiet, low, tired.
"Of course I know, I know everything." Carla shook her head, her hand resting on her empty tummy, "It's not fair, Paul. It's not fair."
She knew she imagined his soft touch across her cheek but that didn't stop her skin tingling all the same. "I know love, I know. You would have been a good mum, I always told you that." She was sure his voice was softer than before but that could be because she hadn't heard in so long. That was what scared her most about the death of a loved one. You always have pictures to glance over in order to summon up their face but the thought of forgetting a voice destroys her endlessly. She laughed softly, "Paul, you never said that once." Her voice was fond, any bitterness was long gone. She knew she kept repeating his name but she couldn't help herself.
Paul would have smirked if she could see him, Carla knew, "Well I'm saying it now, sweetheart. Is that enough?" Carla nodded, her knees pulled up close to her chest protectively. "It's enough. You were enough. You would have been enough if you stayed. Why didn't you stay?" She groaned softly, shaking her head, "Why am I still doing this? It's been so many years, why am I still talking to a voice in me head?"
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams, your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
"Eh, don't blame me, Car'. This is your mucked up head, not mine." She couldn't help but chuckle, "Oh don't I know it."
Carla took a deep breath, she was so certain she could feel the weight of an arm around her waist, a hand on her achingly hollow stomach. "Don't leave me until I sleep, please Paul?" She spoke her need to him, her vulnerability. He always understood. She didn't hear him speak any more, her heart heavy but lighter than it had ever been recently. She let the pretend feel of her dead husbands cuddle lull her into a sense of safety, his body wrapped up behind hers and his breathing against her skin. Almost.
Slowly, on the anniversary of her husband and her daughter's deaths, Carla settled into a sleep, not thinking about the empty bed and empty heart she would have to face the next day.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone, but though you're still with me I've been alone all along