A/N: Just a little one-shot of Addi's thoughts while she's having the abortion of Mark's baby. Just a lil thing lol. Thxs to Beth for beta-ing you rock hun!!! mwah xx
Disclaimer: If I owned them Addek would still be alive!
Enjoy!
I sit in my car looking at the clinic. I'm alone, no one else knows about this and that's the way it's going to stay. I don't want anyone else knowing and they won't have to. I've got the next few days off work, I told the chief that I needed a couple of days off to feel 100 again and it was given to me no questions asked. No one suspects anything, I can get away with it. No one will know, no one needs to know, not even him.
I can't even bear to think about him. I don't want to think about him. He's the reason my life is a complete mess. It's all his fault. Well I suppose it's partly mine as well, but I was sort of drunk at the time and he was just there. Oh god, my life is a complete mess and there's no escape.
I stand outside the clinic and look at it, it seems so big and scary. Suddenly I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing. I mean it hasn't done anything wrong, it played no part. But I can't do it, I can't bring a baby into the world, I can't bring Mark's baby into the world. He would make a terrible father, not like Derek. No Derek would make a brilliant father. We had talked about having children, but never got around to it. I've always wanted children, but I want them with Derek.
Slowly I make my way up the stairs and walk up to the reception they take my name and I sit down. Suddenly I'm not so sure I can go through with it, but I can't move. I can't walk back out. I know deep inside that I can't bring a baby into the world at this point, because I'm a mess. And with the fact that I'm married to another man, not the father just complicates it in a way.
I look around at my surroundings. I wish my live was different. I wish that I had actually talked to Derek and not slept with Mark. My life is such a mess. I screw everything up. Derek couldn't wait to get away from me. I wouldn't be any good for a child. I'd just screw it's life up.
I look up as they call my name. I slowly make my way over and into the examine room. I can feel my hands shaking. I'm numb as I change into a gown and lie on the bed. I blink away the tears as they set up around me. I close my eyes as they start.
I grip hold of my hand bag as I leave the clinic. I can feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I quickly make my way to my car before the tears spill. I don't make it though. They come before I can open the door. I sob as I sit down. I feel empty inside. I only knew about it for a day yet I still feel empty. I feel like such a bad person. I vowed when I was a kid hat I was never abort a baby no matter what. But somewhere along the line everything changed.
I open the glove compartment and a photo of me and Derek falls out. We look so happy there. I bend over and pick it up. It only makes more tears spring to my eyes. I had thrown my life away. I had thrown my marriage to the man I love away for a manwhore. A manwhore who says he loves me but still can't keep it in his pants.
I place the photo back in the glove compartment and wipe my eyes, take a deep breath and turn the key in the ignition. I slowly back out of my parking space and drive home, promising myself never to talk about this day ever again.
A/N: Please leave me a lil review, it is xmas :D Hope you enjoyed it!!!