"I love you, you know?"

I smiled, feeling her fingertips tracing the curve of my back and turned to face her. Her eyes, those brilliant emerald orbs stared into mine and I felt my breath leave my chest in gasps. The things Lexa Woods did to me, even after all this time.

"I love you too."

"Always and forever?"

"Always and forever."

Her lips felt soft and silky against mine and I succumbed to the kiss, her arms wrapping around my waist and I felt the weight of her press against me, as she rolled so she was on top. She knew exactly how to unravel me. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips as she kissed me.

Sunday afternoon, home alone, lazing in bed with the love of my life. True, I was only nineteen, but somehow I knew I'd found my soul mate. Lexa and I had been friends since we were ten years old, we'd been through every life experience together: high school, breakups, arguments, family dramas, pain and joy. We'd been dating since we were sixteen, when we both realised that our awkward teenage crushes on each other had actually, inevitably developed into so much more. I couldn't imagine having anybody else by my side.

"Clarke?"

Her voice drew me out of my memories and back to the present moment. She leaned over me, hair swept to one side, biting her lip and furrowing her brow in concentration as she searched my eyes. I cupped her face with my hand and watched her features relax.

"I was just thinking about how happy I am," I whispered. She pressed her forehead against mine and smiled, totally content.

"Well get used to it, we've got many more years ahead of us baby girl."

I never wanted this to end.

I awoke with a gasp, sitting bolt upright and clutching my chest, disorientated. I squeezed my eyes shut tight, trying to eradicate the memories from my mind. My heart was pounding in my rib cage, my singlet soaked with sweat from the all too vivid images and I had to hold back the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes, threatening to spill.

Four years. It had been four years since I'd last seen her and I still dreamt of her every night. Four years since she had packed up and disappeared in the middle of the night without so much as a warning; a word, a text, a phone call. Four years of me crying myself to sleep at night, trying to pick up the pieces of my life she'd so horribly ruined and start again.

The fear from my sudden awakening was quickly blossoming into anger, as it often did, and I swung my legs over the side of my bed, taking deep breaths. I grabbed my mobile, charging on my night stand and checked the time, 3am, shivering as my feet hit the floor boards as I made my way to the kitchen.

I reveled in the silence and solitude of my loft, flicking on the kitchen light and filling a glass of water from the sink. It was cool and calm against my throat and I felt I could breathe a little easier. But my mind was buzzing.

I wondered again for the hundredth time where on earth Lexa could have gone to. And more importantly, why? We'd spent nearly every day since we were ten years old together, we had been completely and utterly in love…Didn't that count for something? Didn't I mean anything? She had completely broken me. I shook my head, padding softly across my open-planned kitchen to the couch in the corner near the window where my laptop and cigarettes lay. Propping open the window, I lit a cigarette and logged onto my Mac Book, watching the smoke furl from my lips, moonlight illuminating the wisps that billowed through the air.

A notification dinged on my home page. "O & Lincoln's engagement party, 7pm." Shit, I'd been so wrapped up in my latest painting project that the gallery had requested and my shifts at the hospital that I completely forgot about the event tonight, I hadn't even bought a present yet. I tended to throw myself into my work and ignore all else, including my friends, when I felt my life spiraling out of control.

Logging onto Facebook I automatically typed her name into the search bar and felt the hollowness blossoming inside my chest as the familiar answer flashed up on the screen. No results found for Lexa Woods. Impulsively I checked every other form of social media I knew she'd once had, Instagram, Twitter and Tumblr all yielding no results. It was hopeless. It was as though she disappeared off the face of the planet. Four years of silence. Four years of hell.

I sighed, sucking smoke into my lungs and exhaled heavily, snapping my laptop closed. I lent back against the sofa and stared at my works of art that were scattered around the living room.
Every single one of them depicted portraits of the woman who had once been my life. I wouldn't be able to sleep now, not with the image of those forest-green eyes burned into my retinas.

Entry 1462: Wednesday 12th of July 2015

Shit, today was a bad day. I lost the mark we've been tracking for the last three weeks. He was my only fucking lead. I have no idea how it happened, I take meticulous care to never make mistakes. But then I had that phone call and I guess, damn, I guess I was just distracted. I have to come back. If only for one night, I owe it to Raven, to O, to Lincoln. After all, he is my brother. Anya says I'm an idiot for even considering it. That it's too risky, too soon. That it'll ruin all the progress we've made.

And then of course, you'll be there. I don't know how you'll react. Hell, I don't even know how I'll react! I wish I could explain everything to you, my love. I guess you don't think of me in that way anymore though and I wouldn't blame you. Nothing I can say or do can excuse what I did, how I left.

And I won't even be able to explain. Not yet at least anyway.

We've been camping out in the warehouse for over a month. It's cold here, there's barely any heating and I don't like it. Then again, I haven't liked my life much at all since I left, all those years ago. I haven't finished what I've started yet and this is my only option. I've got too much blood on my hands, I've come too far to back out now, but I can sense the end is getting closer. Anya takes good care of me she always has and it took a lot of convincing to get her to agree to come back with me. It'll be nice to get out of this god forsaken ghost town and back into some reasonable sense of normality, if only for a few days.

I have to go, my torch is running out of batteries and I don't think I have any left.

I'll see you soon.

- L

I heard her laugh before I even saw her and felt someone squeeze me from behind. Trust Raven to know how to cause a scene!

"Griffin!"

My best friend slurred, she'd obviously started pre-drinks early. I threw my arm over her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek.

"Hey Reyes," I smiled, turning to face her. I smoothed my purple halter-cut dress down with the flat of my hand, nodding to Murphy and Jasper who'd obviously arrived with her. They quickly made their way over to the bar, chatting excitedly.

"Looking smoking girl!" Raven cocked her eyebrow, looking me up and down with an amused expression. I smacked her on the arm.

"Not so bad yourself! Have you seen O?"

Raven spun wildly, waving to friends that she had noticed, surveying the crowd. The San Francisco Palace's gorgeous, light filled Gold Ballroom where we were currently standing was breathing taking, featuring sapphire blue carpet and floor to ceiling windows draped in silk and damask. The tables, vintage crystal chandeliers, and carved fireplace were illuminated by soft pink and blue disco lights, setting a comfortable atmosphere among all the glitz and glamour. Lincoln certainly had spared no expense when planning this night. A space had been cleared for the dance floor behind the multitude of tables, which all held friends and family, laughing, chatting, and enjoying the hype of the night.

"There!"

Before I had a chance to respond, Raven had grabbed my hand and pulled me through the multitudes of people to the present table, situated near the bar in the far corner, where Octavia and Lincoln were graciously accepting gifts. There had to be at least two hundred neatly wrapped presents piled high on the tabletop. Octavia squealed as she saw us and enveloped me in a huge hug. Lincoln patted my head in a brotherly fashion. I smiled, but had to avert my eyes from his, they reminded me too much of her. I cradled my drink, champagne of course, so it didn't spill and handed over my gift, (a new set of towels I'd pick up at Bed, Bath and Beyond) with my free hand.

"How are you Clarkey?" Octavia asked, looking ravishing in her black sequined dress which swept the floor. Her hair was tied up in a braid and hung loosely to one side and her stilettos made her look almost as tall as her fiance.

"Good! Yeah, just been busy with the art show coming up." I responded, "Great place you've got here!"

"I know right aren't I so lucky?" Octavia gushed, turning to kiss Lincoln on the lips. Raven made a gagging sound, but burst into laughter when Octavia quickly punched her in the arm.

"You're getting muscles short ass!" Raven quipped, "But seriously, I'm so happy for you guys, took you long enough!"

"Thanks you guys, tonight wouldn't be the same without you," Lincoln said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "What do you say to another round of drinks?"

My champagne flute was nearly empty and the alcohol was already making my head spin, but I followed my friends to the bar and took the offered shot which was pushed in my direction.

"Tequila? This early in the night?" I laughed. Raven nudged me.

"Drink up Griff, it's party time!"

We all clinked glasses and downed our shots, the liquid burning my throat as it went down. The music pumping from the speakers and the dimming of the lights in the room made for a comfortable atmosphere. It was definitely going to be one hell of a night.

"Wow Griffin, I didn't know you could handle your alcohol like a pro!"

I spun, slightly dizzy and came face to face with my ex-boyfriend, possibly the last person I ever wanted to see at the moment. He swayed a little, obviously drunk, or probably buzzed on whatever drug he was taking these days. It didn't matter to me anymore.

"Rack off Finn," Raven spat over the buzz of the music, slamming her shot glass down.

O gave me an apologetic look. Finn did after all work at the Grounder's Gym that Octavia and Lincoln owned, which was in where I had met him. He was just one in a long line of mistakes I'd made in order to get over the fact that Lexa had abandoned me.

"Simmer down Reyes, I was simply complimenting Clarke on her drinking skills."

Finn's eyes raked over my body and that smirk that I hated so much ghosted his lips.

"Great to see you Finn, I gotta go," I mumbled, trying to push my way past him. He grabbed my arm and I turned to face him.

"Clarke wait, can't we at least talk?"

"There's nothing to talk about Finn. I'm sorry about what happened but I'm not interested."

"So, that's it then? I meant nothing to you?" He asked, sounding hurt, but I knew in reality he was just upset that I'd damaged his precious ego.

"Yes Finn, that's it. There's nothing else to say. Let go of me, now."

He tightened his grip on my arm and I felt fear flash through me.

"You don't get to do this to me!" He scowled, frowning down at me.

Before I knew what was happening a hand reached out behind me and grabbed his wrist, twisting it so sharply that Finn cried out in pain and let go of me abruptly. I looked behind Finn and saw that Octavia, Lincoln and Raven were all dumb struck and silent, staring straight ahead and looking as though they'd seen a ghost.

"What the fu-?!"

"I believe she told you to let her go."

My entire body froze. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end and I felt as though my lungs were being crushed inside my chest.

I would know that voice anywhere.

The voice I had been dreaming about, every night for four long lonely years. But my body and my brain were refusing to catch up with the situation that was unfolding in front of me. I forced myself to turn around. I felt my face go numb as I looked into the eyes of the person who stood in front of me. My whole world was spinning.

Lexa. Lexa Woods, the love of my life, the woman who had ripped my heart to shreds and left without a whisper of a word stood before me, defending my honour. She stood before me, dressed to the nines in a finely cut tuxedo, white button down shirt complete with bow tie, looking more beautiful than I could ever remember.

"Hello Clarke."

I couldn't handle this. I couldn't breathe. Everything was going black. I was completely overwhelmed and didn't understand what was happening, but I had to get out of there. I had to leave, now.

I barely made it out onto the street in time before I emptied my stomach contents all over the pavement.