Buffy and the Gang Watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail
A/N:Yeah! Let's hear it for random oneshots!...No? Whatever. Anyway, my mom got me hooked on Buffy after she started showing me some of her DVDs from a few seasons and renting the rest that we don't have on Netflix. To celebrate finishing my first disk of season 4 with the episode Fear, Itself. I'm writing this ^_^ mostly because I can't get over how Anya was in a BUNNY SUIT! XD ROFL! But random inspiration also has an important role mind you. So this is my first official Buffy Story. I've written one other but it was an odd crack-fic that was...odd and it was a crossover. Yes, my mom is also the one who showed me Monty Python.
Timeline: Well, very early season 4 'cause that's about as far as I know
Spoilers: Umm season 4ish not much else to say-if you're one of my friends (who is watching the show) whom I know haven't gotten that far there will be spoilers kay?...Well, as for the rest of you I'm gonna give a safe bet that most of you are waaay ahead of me in the Buffy series seeing as it ended in 2003 when I was too young to understand the show and/or watch it (and I possibly still am too young to watch some of it O_o I mean-look at the episode 'The Harsh Light of Day' that gave me almost as many nightmares as 'Gingerbread' But I know my mom would never burn me at the stake...especially since she watches Buffy with me) ^_^ But here I am and I'm writing so enjoy! Oh and also spoilers for the whole Monty Python and the Holy Grail movie.
I OWN NOTHING! Trust me if I did...well I wouldn't be able to come up with the hilariousness that is Buffy and Monty Python that make my life so complete in this odd world.
Key:
Normal
Movie
Xander sat down on the couch with nothing to do. It was almost the weekend-not that it mattered to him he never did anything anyway. But he supposed it would matter if he wanted to hang out with Willow, Buffy, Oz, so on and so forth. Maybe a demon would cause something apocalypse-y to happen, it's been soo long since anything apocalypse-y had happened-that would be so much more interesting than watching-he looked down at his pile of DVDS that he had been using to entertain himself for the past few days -Star Wars-he shoved a few aside-score! Monty Python! Gleefully he grabbed the box.
"Finally something that might not be a complete waste of two hours!" He sighed.
"Hey, Xander what stage is our relationship now?" Xander jumped a foot in the air and almost shrieked like a little girl. "I mean you did invite me to that Halloween party and all, even if it was technically called on account of-"
"Anya! Give me a heart-attack! Will you please knock next time?" Xander said his heat pounding.
"Oh, sure whatever. Now like I was saying-" Xander began to tune her out as she went on and on about something. Anya had begun to do this a lot lately so Xander simply sat back down on the floor went back to looking over the DVD for scratches. None. He looked up at Anya who was looking at him expectantly.
"Well?"
"Uhhhh..." Xander attempted to cover up that he hadn't been listening. Anya rolled her eyes.
"Fine, then how about you can invite all your friends and we can do something, together?" She asked hopefully.
Xander's mind flatlined. He wished he knew what she was talking about, she probably asked him out and he just agreed to bring Buffy-who was so much fun to be around since the Parker break up (he reminded himself to slap that guy silly if he ever saw him)-Willow and Oz-who would make him feel bad about his not being in college, unintentionally though. "O-K?"
Anya grinned and clapped once. "Great! I'll tell them we can meet up at Giles's. Bring some movies." She called as she left his basement room via the stairs. Xander felt the sudden urge to pound his head on some nearby object.
So apparently Anya had somehow invited Willow, Buffy, and Oz and they all had nothing to do. So Xander showed up at Giles's clutching his last unscratched disk. Giles opened the door for him rolling his eyes.
"If you're not here to help me sort-hey!" Xander walked in and pushed the boxes near the TV aside. As he was just about finished putting Giles's throw pillows around the small TV-why had Anya decided to do something at Giles's? There was another knock at the door. Giles gave a slightly confused glance at Anya as she walked in followed by Willow, Buffy, and Oz.
"Hi Giles!" Willow said cheerfully pulling out some popcorn bags.
"Giles! Where's the microwave? Me and Will, can't make popcorn if you don't have one." Buffy said already in the kitchen.
"Hey." Oz said raising his hand in slight greeting.
"W-What is the meaning of this? What are you all doing here?"
Buffy shrugged. "Well we finished all our homework-"
"Really? I thought you had to catch up on Psychology." Willow gave a confused look at Buffy.
"And had nothing to do." Buffy finished. She shrugged. Xander held up the movie.
"Movie." Xander explained holding up the disk. Giles snatched the disk away glaring at Xander for a moment.
"Monty Python and the Holy Grail?" He read.
"Yeah the Pythons were British you know, were you chums with any of them?" Xander teased. Giles just glared. "Say, do you have like any...you a better TV?" Giles frowned. (A/N: FANFIC POWERS GIVE GILES A REAL TELEVISION! *poof*) Then he sighed and went to a bookshelf. Xander, Anya, and Oz watched interested as the smell of burnt popcorn came from the kitchen. Giles took off the large stacks of books and behind them was an eighty inch plasma flat screen television.
"Giles! You bad boy, I always knew you had a real TV!" Apparently Buffy and Will had come into the room at some point in time.
"Does he have a real car he hides somewhere too?" Buffy asked sarcastically. Giles glared at the slayer for a moment.
"Fine, fine do as you want I'll just go upstairs and read a good book." Giles sighed. Xander threw the throw pillows near the nice TV Willow, Oz and Buffy sat on the couch and Anya joined him on the floor in front of the great TV that technically may or may not have made in the time of season 4 but is there by the powers of Fanfiction and joy. Oz picked up the box and read the back as Willow got up and put some burnt popcorn in a bowl.
"Special Edition DVD look at all these unbelievable SPECIAL FEATURES. Disc one New High Definition widescreen presentation with pink frilly edges? Xander what kind of movie is this?"
"Trust me, you'll love it, it's hilarious." Xander said as he hit the play button. The movie began.
The movie began with the title 'Dentist on the Job' which confused everyone until it seemed to stop like something was wrong then credits began. Willow began to giggle as she read the credits talking about a moose and when they 'sacked' the person responsible Buffy and Oz also laughed. Then the credits began talking about moose again and then the people responsible for the sacking were sacked. Anya looked over at Xander.
"You find this humorous?" Xander laughed as the shortened credits with flashing lights began to talk about lamas. Then the movie finally began. She rolled her eyes and muttered something. There was a sound like horses and a man walked into sight he walked up to a fortress and argued with a man who asked where he had gotten the coconuts that his servant was clapping together to sound like a horse.
"Where'd you get the coconuts?"
"We found them."
"Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Mercia's a temperate zone!"
"The swallow may fly south with the sun, and the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land."
"... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"
"This is a strange movie" Anya muttered. Willow and Buffy murmured their agreement and the movie continued. Oz ate some popcorn.
"Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!"
"Does this take place during the black plague?" Willow asked frowning.
"Bring out yer dead."
*a man puts a body on the cart*
"Here's one."
"That'll be ninepence."
"I'm not dead."
"What?"
"Nothing. There's your ninepence."
"I'm not dead."
"'Ere, he says he's not dead."
"Yes he is."
"I'm not."
"He isn't."
"Well, he will be soon, he's very ill."
"I'm getting better."
"No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment."
"Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations."
"I don't want to go on the cart."
"Oh, don't be such a baby."
"I can't take him."
"I feel fine."
"Oh, do me a favor."
"I can't."
"Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long."
"I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today."
"Well, when's your next round?"
"Thursday."
"I think I'll go for a walk."
"You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do?"
"I feel happy. I feel happy."
*the Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club*
"Ah, thank you very much."
"Not at all. See you on Thursday."
"Right"
"What a sick movie." Buffy noted.
"At least they all have hilarious British accents." Xander said.
"I heard that!" Giles said from upstairs.
"Hey, Giles if you want to watch you can just come down and watch!" Oz called to Giles. There was silence from upstairs. But as they turned back to the odd movie Giles snuck out of his room and sat at the top of the stairs, watching.
"Now stand aside, worthy adversary."
"'Tis but a scratch."
"A scratch? Your arm's off!"
"No, it isn't."
"Well, what's that then?"
"I've had worse."
"You liar!"
Buffy and Willow laughed so hard they almost fell off the couch. Even Oz who never seemed to change facial expressions seemed to suppress a laugh. The movie continued.
"How do you know she is a witch?"
"She looks like one."
*Crowd indistinctly shouts*
"Bring her forward!"
"I'm not a witch."
"But you are dressed as one..."
"They dressed me up like this. *Crowd murmurs*And this isn't my nose. This is a false one."
*inspects the nose and confirms* "Well?"
"Well, we did do the nose."
"The nose?"
"And the hat. She's a witch!"
"Burn her!"
"Did you dress her up like this?"
"No, no, no! *beat* Yes, yes. A bit. But she's got a wart."
"Why do you think that she is a witch?"
"Well, she turned me into a newt."
*gets disbelieving look*
"A newt?"
*Silence*
"Well, I got better."
"Burn her anyway!"
Willow frowned. "Xander why are we watching this again?"
"It gets better." Xander muttered.
"There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."
"Are there? Oh well, tell us."
"Tell me. What do you do with witches?"
"Burn them."
"And what do you burn, apart from witches?"
"More witches."
"Wood."
"Good. Now, why do witches burn?"
"...because they're made of... wood?"
"Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?"
"Build a bridge out of her."
"But can you not also build bridges out of stone?"
"Oh yeah."
"Does wood sink in water?"
"No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond!"
"No, no. What else floats in water?"
"Bread."
"Apples."
"Very small rocks."
"Cider."
"Gravy."
"Cherries."
"Mud."
"Churches."
"Lead! Lead!"
"A Duck."
"...Exactly. So, logically..."
"If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood."
"And therefore..."
"...A witch!"
Willow raised an eyebrow. "Don't worry Will, we all know you're not a duck." Buffy giggled. All of them even Giles, Willow, and *gasp* Oz! burst out laughing at the movie once more.
"This movie is insane." Willow laughed.
"Look, my liege!" *trumpets blare to a shot of a castle*
*awed* "Camelot!"
"Camelot!"
"Camelot!"
"It's only a model."
"Shh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to Camelot!"
*The inhabitants of Camelot sing "Knights of the Round Table"*
*singing and dancing* "We're knights of the Round Table, we dance whene'er we're able. We do routines and chorus scenes with footwork impec-cable, We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. / We're knights of the Round Table, our shows are for-mi-dable. But many times we're given rhymes that are quite un-sing-able, We're opera mad in Camelot, we sing from the diaphragm a lot. / In war we're tough and able, Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable. Between our quests we sequin vests and impersonate Clark Gable / It's a busy life in Camelot."
"I have to push the pram a lot."
*Cut back to Arthur*
"On second thoughts, let's not go there. It is a silly place"
They all thought the singing knights were pretty funny.
"You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, so-called Ah-thoor Keeng, you and all your silly English K-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-niggits! *makes taunting gestures at them*
"What a strange person."
"Now, look here, my good man-"
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! Now leave before I am forced to taunt you a second time!"
Then the knights made a Trojan bunny instead of a Trojan horse and Anya shrieked pointing at the screen. "Anya, it's just a rabbit." Xander told her. She shook her head.
"No! How can you not see that it's evil with its beady little eyes and twitchy nose!" The movie continued in complete randomness. Many famous scenes appearing like the Knights Who Say Ni (A/N: I have the Knights Who Formerly Said Ni T-shirt btw ecky ecky ecky ecky pakang zoo boing!) Then Tim the enchanter began speaking of a horrible beast and all of the scoobies-having faced truly terrible demons before-watched interested. The room held its breath as the 'beast with great sharp teeth' appeared, and then laughed as it proved to be nothing more than a small white rabbit. Well all of them laughed except Anya.
"EEEKKKKKKKK!" She screamed breaking Xander's eardrums. She threw herself behind the couch, spilling all the popcorn, as though they were watching some horror movie instead of a comedy. Come to think of it she might've found horror movies funnier. Xander crawled behind the couch to find Anya curled up in the fetal position rocking back and forth.
"Anya, really? Bunnies?" She didn't say anything. Xander decided to give a spoiler. "Well they do blow the rabbit up with a grenade and its pretty funny, want to watch?" She smiled a little and nodded. Xander waited for the squeaking to stop, it would only freak Anya out if she saw the bunny killing people. He led her back around the side of the couch when they were talking about the holy hand grenade.
"And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once at the number three, being the third number to be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it"
She laughed the hardest when they blew up the rabbit and then continued to enjoy the movie.
Giles began to laugh at the animated dragon and the animator having a heart-attack causing all the scoobies's heads to turn his way, while he sheepishly ducked back into his room.
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid."
"What... is your name?"
"My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot."
"What... is your quest?"
"To seek the Holy Grail."
"What... is your favourite colour?"
"Blue."
"Go on. Off you go."
"Oh, thank you. Thank you very much."
"That's easy."
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see."
"Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid."
"What... is your name?"
"Sir Robin of Camelot."
"What... is your quest?"
"To seek the Holy Grail."
"What... is the capital of Assyria?"
[pause]
"I don't know that."
[he is thrown over the edge into the volcano]
"Auuuuuuuugh."
"Stop. What... is your name?"
"Sir Galahad of Camelot."
"What... is your quest?"
" I seek the Grail."
"What... is your favourite colour?"
"Blue. No, yel..."
[he is also thrown over the edge]
" auuuuuuuugh."
"Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name?"
"It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons."
"What... is your quest?"
"To seek the Holy Grail."
"What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
"What do you mean? An African or European swallow?"
"Huh? I... I don't know that."
[he is thrown over]
"Auuuuuuuugh."
"How do know so much about swallows?"
"Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know."
The movie continued and then ended with the army, Arthur, and any of the remaining knights being arrested. Followed by ten minutes of music.
"Well, that was.." Buffy started.
"It didn't make any sense." Willow said shaking her head.
"I didn't get it." Oz said.
"Nope." Anya agreed.
"Me neither." Giles said squinting at the screen.
Out of lack of better things to do, they re-watched the movie.
"Still don't get it." Buffy said.
"I think it made less sense this time." Oz said, Willow had nodded off on his shoulder.
"I think I get it." Anya said frowning at the screen.
"Really?" Xander asked hopefully.
"No."
In my defense I was really bored.