The Road to Spinoff
by: FLuFFy
rating: PG13
notes: none. Oh, except that I know my numbers are wonky.
And the formatting is off. From now on I'm using notepad.
~~~
PROLOGUE
[scene. SAM's office. JOSH and TOBY are there.]
SAM
I think I'm going to run for congress.
TOBY
Why?
SAM
Because I've realized that I someday wish to be President, to make a real difference in this world, and to accomplish this, I should, I will become a congressman first, for I believe that I can achieve my goals for this great society...
JOSH
Sam?
SAM
Okay, it's a poorly plotted exit strategy.
JOSH
Knew it.
SAM
Shut up. I'm getting a spinoff out of this deal.
TOBY
So, how are you gonna do this? You need a lot before anybody will vote for you.
SAM
Like?
TOBY
A wife.
SAM
I...
TOBY
Josh won't work.
SAM
Ainsley!
AINSLEY
What? I was vacationing in Peru.
SAM
Marry me?
AINSLEY
What makes you think I would give up my career to marry some liberal,
left-wing Yankee jackass like yourself?
JOSH
Have you looked at him?
AINSLEY
Fair enough.
TOBY
Wacky bipartisan hijinks...Check!
SAM
So, what's next?
TOBY
People need to like you.
JOSH
Toby...
TOBY
Point taken. CHECK!
SAM
Next.
JOSH
You need a catchphrase.
SAM
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Toby?"
TOBY
Taken.
SAM
Yeah. Uh... "How you doin'?"
JOSH
That too.
SAM
"One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in a faa-ace!"
JOSH
You remember That's My Bush! ?
SAM
Yeah, even though according to Sorkinverse George Dubya never existed.
JOSH
Continuity Schmontinuity.
SAM
Exactly.
TOBY [annoyed]
We'll figure the catchphrase out later.
SAM
So, what else?
TOBY
You need...
JOSH
A silly next-door neighbor?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
Why?
TOBY
For it is the rule of the sitcom.
SAM
Uh...
TOBY
Let's think.
JOSH
Who's really, really annoying?
[Toby looks at Josh, pointedly.]
JOSH
Hey!
SAM
He's got a point...
TOBY
Idiot neighbor?
JOSH
But!
TOBY
IDIOT NEIGHBOR!?
JOSH [sighing]
Check...
TOBY
Alright! Sounds like we've got ourselves a show!
~~~
"NBC is America's most watched network. With the number one comedy, 'Friends,' the number one late night program, 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,' the number one gay comedy, 'Will & Grace,' the number one anvillicious medical program, 'ER," and the number one political drama that takes place in the west wing of the White House, 'The West Wing'..."
"But this fall, NBC takes you where you've never been before... TO CONGRESS!"
"Forget everything you know about the pre-established character of Sam Seaborn from THAT OTHER SHOW. This is completely different! No, really it is. No, really. Plus, it's a spinoff that DOESN'T have 'Law & Order' in the title! Please watch. We are NBC. Pity us."
MONDAYS @ 8:00/7:00 CENTRAL, BEFORE 'FEAR FACTOR'
~~~
SEABORN!
No one told you life was gonna be this waaaay,
Toby's one mean bloke; you're broke,
your love life's DOA!
It's like you're always stuck in second geaaaaar,
and you haven't passed a bill in a day, a week, a month, or even a yeaaaar!
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
when you need a seatbelt;
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
and he'll make your heart meeeeellt;
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
unlike certain wannabe feministas who eat away at your last nerve and make you want to gouge your eyes out with a crudely fashioned spoooo-orrrrk.
~~~
Episode One: "The One With All the Sitcom Clichés"
[scene. Sam's house.]
[Josh plows through the door.]
JOSH
Hey there, buddy!
[He starts raiding Sam's fridge.]
SAM
Hey! You have a refrigerator at your place!
JOSH
I need somewhere to store my soup.
SAM
Oh no!
JOSH
You got it! This place down the block has the greatest soup ever!
SAM
Oh no!
JOSH
Actually, they do.
SAM
NO!
JOSH
What?
SAM
I see where you're going with this, and no. I refuse to take part in anything that involves soup dictators of any sort.
JOSH
This is different!
SAM
Nothing's different in Sitcoms!
JOSH
Yeah, you're right. I think I'm in love with Donna.
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Amy.
JOSH [wailing]
I don't know what to do!
AMY [busting in]
Sam...
SAM
What?
[Josh leaves for no reason.]
AMY
I think I'm in love with Congressman White.
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Josh!
AMY
I know!
LEO [breaking in]
Sam, we need to talk.
SAM
What is it?
LEO
I think I'm in love with Fitzwallace!
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Jed! Wait... FITZ!?
LEO
Love knows no boundaries, you bigot.
SAM
I am not a bigot!
LEO [to SAM]
I know. This is the sitcom way of dealing with heavy issues in a ridiculously contrived manner.
SAM
Oh.
LEO
I am not talking to you until you learn to accept the gay community!
SAM
I accept the community! I embrace the community! Wha...
[LEO leaves.]
SAM
Oh, for crying out loud.
[AMY pops her prom video into SAM's vcr.]
[begin tape]
AMY
I'm so excited for prom!
MOM
I know!
AMY
Where's my date!? I can't go without a date!!
DAD
Josh, why don't you take Amy?
JOSH
She wouldn't wanna go with me.
[Amy is crying]
JOSH
Okay.
[He puts on a tux and walks downstairs to
find...]
DATE
You ready to go?
AMY
Hell yeah!
[JOSH looks sad.]
[end tape]
AMY
I can't believe he did that!
SAM
Uh...
AMY
I do love Josh!
SAM
That's great.
[AMY leaves.]
SAM
I think I'm ready to have children...
[AUDIENCE "awww"s]
SORKIN
And...cut!
SAM
What the hell!?
SORKIN
It's clever, see, 'cuz nobody ever has children on TV!
SAM
Really...
SORKIN
NEVER!
SAM
Okay: Friends, Cheers, I Love Lucy, Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Angel, ER, Growing Pains, Married with Children, All in the Family, The Brady Bunch, The Wes....
SORKIN
Okay, they do...but, it's not a cliché, if that's what you're thinking.
SAM
How is it not!?
SORKIN
Listen, buddy. I didn't even want to give you a show, but apparently you're "eye candy" and a yooooge ratings draw. And, well, as long as I'm making money, I'm happy, and you should just be grateful you're even on TV now.
SAM
By the way, do I get residual checks for this?
SORKIN
Shut up and get back to work.
[Sorkin leaves to wade in a pool of money and shrooms.]
SAM
This show is awful. I quit.
~~~
TOBY
That was pretty crappy, Sam.
JOSH
Yeah.
SAM
Hence the whole quitting thing.
JOSH
So, what now?
TOBY
Why don't you try a drama?
SAM
A drama?
JOSH
Yes! It can appeal to the young demographic!
TOBY
Exactly.
SAM
I don't know...
JOSH
Of course you do!
SAM
I guess I could try it....
~~~
"Here at NBC, we take pride in our programming. The quality shows...here on NBC. Except for when we mess up. Like with 'Inside Schawrtz,' 'Emeril,' 'Leap of Faith,' 'Good Morning, Miami'..."
"But that's not the point. Sometimes we can change a show completely, and then stick it back on the air with a new title. Like 'The Weber Show'. Does anybody remember that piece of crap? I mean, what was my boss thinking when he gave that the green light?"
"Back to the point, PROMO BOY!"
"Right. So... Sam Seaborn goes to congress in an all-new NBC DRAMA..."
WEDNESDAYS @ 10:00/9:00 central, AFTER THAT OTHER SHOW.
~~~
Samuel's Creek
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,
I want to know right now, Oh will I win!?
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,
Will I be, oh will I be: Senator Seaborn (D-Orange County)?
So, legalize your prostitutes,
call them "call girls" or I'll give you the boot,
You know that if I want my term to be-giiin,
I need a cheezy way to wiiiin.
Do, dooo doo dooo doooooo....
~~~
SAM
Ainsley, did you sleep with Pacey last night?
AINSLEY
Perhaps, Samuel, however yourself and I hast been through for two years now and I shouldn't feel culpable at all for our tryst!
SAM
Oh, the angst! I dare not even glimpse at you now! Farewell, Ainsley! I shalt venture to thy election assemblage to make my oration.
AINSLEY
Fine, Samuel! I hope you never cease to commit to memory how you have behaved toward myself in the present day.
SORKIN
And...cut!
SAM
No words can describe how truly awful that was.
SORKIN
How so, pretty boy!?
SAM
NOBODY talks like that!
SORKIN
We're trying to relate to the teen audience.
SAM
And again I say, NOBODY talks like that! How do you expect them to understand what I'm talking about if I don't even know?
SORKIN
I bet Josh knows. He is "smarter than you" after all...
JOSH
I really have no idea.
SORKIN
Damn.
~~~
JOSH
Sam...
SAM
I know.
JOSH
Sam...
SAM
I know!
JOSH
Maybe you should just stay here with us.
SAM
...and concentrate on Superconducting Whatchamacallits while you're getting all the [censored]? No thanks.
JOSH
Well, not all of it. Didn't you and Mallory hook up?
TOBY
Just a note for future reference. If you ever say "hook up" again, Josh, I may have to beat you.
JOSH
Okay. But, didn't you?
SAM
I don't know.
JOSH
You don't know?
SAM
It hasn't been explained yet.
TOBY
It never will be.
JOSH
Well, that's not right.
SAM
Well, really, there was no time to fit it in with Toby getting his plot contrivance on.
TOBY
Those are my children you're talking about!
SAM
Break out the water skis, Josh, and get ready for some shark jumping!
JOSH
Huh?
SAM
Forget it.
TOBY
Okay. So, why don't we try getting more of a spinoff vibe this time...and make it more realistic...
~~~
"Okay. We're grown men. We can admit when a show sucked. But, NOW we've worked out all the kinks. NBC and Warner Brothers Studios present...the most realistic show about politics on the air..."
THURSDAYS @ 11:00 AFTER ER.
~~~
THE REAL WORLD: D.C.
This is the true story of 7 politicians...
Picked to help Sam Seaborn run for congress...
And find out what happens...
When politics stop being boring...
And start getting about young, HOT senators.
THE REAL WORLD: Washington, D.C.
[scene. confessionals.]
JOSH
Okay...so I was at the bar the other night, and I come home and Sam has brought these 3 strippers back to the house, right? And I'm all 'Yo, you have a girlfriend.' and he's all 'Shut up, jackass.' And that was, like, so not cool or whatever.
SAM
Okay...so I may have brought home some ladies the other night. But Josh was being, like, such a drama queen about it. It's not like I slept with them. He's just totally jealous because he's losing all of his hair and I still maintain gorgeous tresses.
JOSH
And, like, another thing. He's always using words like gorgeous and sumptuous and luxurious. I'm starting to think he has maybe a little Bobby Trendy envy. That or he's totally in the closet...
LEO
So, I get home and Sam and Josh are going at it...like, having a fight or whatever. Somebody had to calm those two down, so I was like, 'Chill, dawgs.' And then CJ walks in drunk, and I was all, 'Girl, you know that ain't good for me to see. Bitch, you knows I'm an alcoholic. Why you gotta be like that?'
CJ
Just because Leo can't have any fun doesn't mean I can't. Anyway, I had to drown my sorrows. [sniffling] Sam and I should be together! I've like only known him for two days, but I think he loves me too! The strippers were just, like, a way to cover.
CHARLIE
Anyways, when I first walked into this house, you cannot believe the language these guys were using. "Dawg. Peeps. Homie!" It's enough to make a brother sick.
[scene. The first day.]
SAM
Yo! What's your name, bro?
CHARLIE
Charlie Young.
JOSH
Are you gay?
CHARLIE [stunned]
No.
AINSLEY [entering]
Hi, y'all.
[confessional]
AINSLEY
Whenever I first came in the house, I was a bit peeved. These guys was all up in my face 'cuz I have an a'cent. I really thought I was gon' cry.
[/confessional]
SAM
"Y'all?" What a hick!
AINSLEY
That ain't funny! That ain't funny! I'm 'on' beatchu with a stick!
LEO [wandering in]
So, peeps, how is it hang-ing?
SAM
Shit! You ain't down, bro! What're you, ninety?
JOSH
Are you gay?
LEO
NO!
[confessional]
JOSH
Well, so-rrrry, but anybody who takes offense to me asking if they're gay must have something to hide. 'Sides, there's always one of them that is.
SAM [offscreen]
Maybe it's you, jerkwad!
JOSH
I'm confessing, you jackass! Can we do that over? CUT!
~~~
TOBY
...And now we've sunken lower than ever.
JOSH
He called me gay!
TOBY
Shut up.
JOSH
But!
TOBY
I don't care. Sam...
SAM
It was your idea to do a reality show!
TOBY
Well, it was your idea to get yourself a goddamn spinoff! What do you want from me? I'm not a writer!
[Josh looks at him, pointedly.]
JOSH
Actually...
TOBY
Can it, Josh! I'm getting sick of you, too! Can neither of you come up with a good idea?
[JOSH and SAM twiddle their thumbs.]
TOBY
Swell...
AMY [entering]
What the hell are you yelling about in here?
TOBY
What are you doing he...
JOSH
...We can't come up with a good show and Toby got mad.
AMY
Well, I could have told you that you guys wouldn't be able to come up with anything.
SAM
Why?
AMY
Because you're men. Let me give this a whirl...
~~~
"Okay, okay. So, sometimes shows get pawned off on other networks. Like, say, 'Wolf Lake,' 'Buffy'... It's not really fair to compare Buffy to 'Wolf Lake,' but you get the point..."
"From the producers of 'The West Wing,' E! presents an all new reality program!"
SUNDAYS @ 11:00 after 12 different True Hollywood Stories on various members of the cast of 'Growing Pains'.
~~~
THE SAM SEABORN SHOW
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel, Samuel Seaborn!
Was born in Cali', strugglin' savin', tryin' to get to fame!
Then you use what you got (and that's a lot!), you became a household name
Married a billionaire, so he was 88, but they didn't date!
Then it all disappeared as fast as it caa-aame!
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel! Samuel Seaborn!
You're so outrageeeouuus!
~~~
EPISODE ONE: "Redecorating"
SAM
So...uuuuuuuuum...How-aaard came over and...u...i...redecorate.
HOWARD
Sam was really excited. We set up a meeting with one of the best interior decorators around: Joshy Trendy.
[scene. Interior Design 'R' Us.]
SAM
I....uh...pill-ows.
JOSHY
Well, Samuel! How about we get two LUXURIOUS pillows, okay...and we put a picture of you looking FABULOUS one each one?
SAM
Urrr....M...Iff...Valium?
JOSHY
And we could even get your GORGEOUS face looking left on one pillow and right on the other.
SAM
Ucc....do that?
JOSHY
ABSOLUTELY! We can print it right onto some SUMPTUOUS fuscia leopard print fabric! Isn't that exciting!?
SAM
Ihh...
~~~
SAM
I hate you.
AMY
What? It got good ratings!
SAM
I hate you.
AMY
You...
SAM
Get out.
AMY
B...
SAM
Get OUT!
AMY
Sam...
SAM [shrieking]
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
[Amy leaves.]
JOSH
Oh, god! My ears! What was that?
SAM
What?
JOSH
With the shrieking.
SAM
No idea.
[TOBY notices CJ walking by.]
CJ [singing]
Why do you build me up, build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down, let me down...
TOBY
CJ!
CJ
I need you, I need you more than anyone, dar... [stopping] What?
TOBY
Maybe you can help?
CJ
With what?
JOSH
Sam needs a new show.
CJ
Sure thing, Spanky. So, what do you wanna do a show about?
SAM
I'm not sure I really want to anymore.
JOSH
What?!
SAM
I'm about ready to give up.
CJ
Not before I get to try something!
SAM
Oh, Lord...
~~~
"No gimmicks. No cheesy theme song. Just a show about Samuel Norman Seaborn and his quest for the senate seat in California. Coming to NBC this fall."
WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 BEFORE 'THE WEST WING'
~~~
Capitol Hill
SAM
Joey!
JOEY
Yes?
SAM
How are we doing?
JOEY [signing]
You've got 89% of the democratic vote, 92% of the female vote...
SAM
Cute.
JOEY
I'll say. [signing] ...an incredible 1% of the republican vote...
SAM
That was sarcasm?
JOEY
Ya think? [signing] ...but it=s still 1%.
SAM
Log cabin?
JOEY
Yes. [signing] 63% of the 18-25 vote, and 56% of the 26-40. 51% of the 41-55.
SAM
Okay, so I'm winning?
JOEY [signing]
You're eating it in the elderly vote.
SAM
Well, screw the elderly.
JOEY [signing]
...Which is exactly why they're not voting for you.
SAM
That can't hurt too much. How many elderly people actually live in California?
JOEY
Tons.
SAM
Can't be that many.
JOEY [signing]
38% of the population.
SAM
Is there anything you don't know?
JOEY
No.
SAM
Maybe we can convince Nevada to open up some sort of elderly retreat community... get them to leave. Poker, slot machines, all the prunes you can eat...
JOEY
Sam...
SAM
We'll work on it.
[SAM's cell phone is ringing.]
SAM
Hello?
JOSH
Sam!
SAM
Dad?
JOSH [now depressed]
No...i-it's Josh. I don't...sound old ... do I?
SAM
I was kidding.
JOSH
That's not funny.
SAM
Okay.
JOSH
It wasn't.
SAM
Alright. What's up?
JOSH
How's the campaign going?
SAM
Well, I've got 92% of the female vote going for me, which is nice.
JOSH
NINETY-TWO!? Wow.
SAM
Well, clearly they're impressed.
JOSH
I could get that many.
SAM
If you say so.
JOSH
I could. Are you winning?
SAM
By a small margin. So, how is everyone?
JOSH
Well, CJ's been giving me nicknames since you left.
CJ [in the background]
Who ya talkin' to, Pokey?
JOSH [to CJ]
Sam. [to Sam] Toby's getting pissed off writing speeches all by himself.
[a loud thump is heard.]
SAM
What was that?
JOSH
That was him playing with his ball.
SAM
I see...
JOSH
...Everyone else is feeling some Sam-missage too. But, in general, they're all doing good.
SAM
You mean, 'well'
JOSH
Yeah, okay.
SAM
So, how are you?
JOSH
Okay. I guess, uh... One could say ...maybe ...just a little...
SAM
You miss me? [sarcastically] How cute.
JOSH
Though you can't see it, be aware that I am glaring at you right now.
SAM
Good to know.
DONNA
Sam?
SAM
Oh, I have to go. Talk to you later.
JOSH
Okay. Say "hi" to Donna for me.
SAM
Will do. 'Bye.
JOSH
Goodbye.
SAM [to Donna]
Josh says "hi".
DONNA
Did you have to run in California? I mean, it's bad enough that that woman's getting all excited at the prospect of her precious Donna getting married, but we had to move even closer to her!
SAM
By, "that woman" you meant your mom, right? Also, D.C. was closer to Wisconsin than Cal...
DONNA
Samuel Norman Seaborn! You know better than to correct me when I'm ranti...
SAM
I do, actually. Why would I do that? [pleading] Why, God, why?
DONNA [half-amused]
Shut up.
SAM
I will not.
DONNA
Then I'll just have to make you... Hey! Is that a Dungeons and Dragons Convention!?
SAM [looking around frantically]
Huh? Where? [realizing] I loathe you.
DONNA
You do realize you're provoking me to become Mandy-ish. Or worse: Amy-esque. I need tender loving care!
SAM
What are you? A chia pet?
DONNA
You're comparing me with a shrub?
SAM [somewhat to himself]
Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel. Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel....
DONNA
You perv!
SAM
Yeah, you love it. [gesturing] Get over here.
~~~
SAM
Oooh!
CJ
You're happy?
SAM
Well it needs work. Like, the numbers...
CJ
Back off, man!
JOSH
You and Donna?
SAM
What?
JOSH
YOU and DONNA?
CJ
I think they look good together. Also: Shut up, Josh.
TOBY
It really doesn't matter. Are we done? We've got a show?
SAM
Yeah, okay.
CJ
Alright!
TOBY
Good. Now get the hell out of here.
SAM
No goodbye hug?
TOBY
GET OUT!
THE END
by: FLuFFy
rating: PG13
notes: none. Oh, except that I know my numbers are wonky.
And the formatting is off. From now on I'm using notepad.
~~~
PROLOGUE
[scene. SAM's office. JOSH and TOBY are there.]
SAM
I think I'm going to run for congress.
TOBY
Why?
SAM
Because I've realized that I someday wish to be President, to make a real difference in this world, and to accomplish this, I should, I will become a congressman first, for I believe that I can achieve my goals for this great society...
JOSH
Sam?
SAM
Okay, it's a poorly plotted exit strategy.
JOSH
Knew it.
SAM
Shut up. I'm getting a spinoff out of this deal.
TOBY
So, how are you gonna do this? You need a lot before anybody will vote for you.
SAM
Like?
TOBY
A wife.
SAM
I...
TOBY
Josh won't work.
SAM
Ainsley!
AINSLEY
What? I was vacationing in Peru.
SAM
Marry me?
AINSLEY
What makes you think I would give up my career to marry some liberal,
left-wing Yankee jackass like yourself?
JOSH
Have you looked at him?
AINSLEY
Fair enough.
TOBY
Wacky bipartisan hijinks...Check!
SAM
So, what's next?
TOBY
People need to like you.
JOSH
Toby...
TOBY
Point taken. CHECK!
SAM
Next.
JOSH
You need a catchphrase.
SAM
"Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Toby?"
TOBY
Taken.
SAM
Yeah. Uh... "How you doin'?"
JOSH
That too.
SAM
"One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in a faa-ace!"
JOSH
You remember That's My Bush! ?
SAM
Yeah, even though according to Sorkinverse George Dubya never existed.
JOSH
Continuity Schmontinuity.
SAM
Exactly.
TOBY [annoyed]
We'll figure the catchphrase out later.
SAM
So, what else?
TOBY
You need...
JOSH
A silly next-door neighbor?
TOBY
Yeah.
SAM
Why?
TOBY
For it is the rule of the sitcom.
SAM
Uh...
TOBY
Let's think.
JOSH
Who's really, really annoying?
[Toby looks at Josh, pointedly.]
JOSH
Hey!
SAM
He's got a point...
TOBY
Idiot neighbor?
JOSH
But!
TOBY
IDIOT NEIGHBOR!?
JOSH [sighing]
Check...
TOBY
Alright! Sounds like we've got ourselves a show!
~~~
"NBC is America's most watched network. With the number one comedy, 'Friends,' the number one late night program, 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,' the number one gay comedy, 'Will & Grace,' the number one anvillicious medical program, 'ER," and the number one political drama that takes place in the west wing of the White House, 'The West Wing'..."
"But this fall, NBC takes you where you've never been before... TO CONGRESS!"
"Forget everything you know about the pre-established character of Sam Seaborn from THAT OTHER SHOW. This is completely different! No, really it is. No, really. Plus, it's a spinoff that DOESN'T have 'Law & Order' in the title! Please watch. We are NBC. Pity us."
MONDAYS @ 8:00/7:00 CENTRAL, BEFORE 'FEAR FACTOR'
~~~
SEABORN!
No one told you life was gonna be this waaaay,
Toby's one mean bloke; you're broke,
your love life's DOA!
It's like you're always stuck in second geaaaaar,
and you haven't passed a bill in a day, a week, a month, or even a yeaaaar!
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
when you need a seatbelt;
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
and he'll make your heart meeeeellt;
Sam'll be there for youuuuu,
unlike certain wannabe feministas who eat away at your last nerve and make you want to gouge your eyes out with a crudely fashioned spoooo-orrrrk.
~~~
Episode One: "The One With All the Sitcom Clichés"
[scene. Sam's house.]
[Josh plows through the door.]
JOSH
Hey there, buddy!
[He starts raiding Sam's fridge.]
SAM
Hey! You have a refrigerator at your place!
JOSH
I need somewhere to store my soup.
SAM
Oh no!
JOSH
You got it! This place down the block has the greatest soup ever!
SAM
Oh no!
JOSH
Actually, they do.
SAM
NO!
JOSH
What?
SAM
I see where you're going with this, and no. I refuse to take part in anything that involves soup dictators of any sort.
JOSH
This is different!
SAM
Nothing's different in Sitcoms!
JOSH
Yeah, you're right. I think I'm in love with Donna.
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Amy.
JOSH [wailing]
I don't know what to do!
AMY [busting in]
Sam...
SAM
What?
[Josh leaves for no reason.]
AMY
I think I'm in love with Congressman White.
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Josh!
AMY
I know!
LEO [breaking in]
Sam, we need to talk.
SAM
What is it?
LEO
I think I'm in love with Fitzwallace!
SAM
Gasp! But you're engaged to Jed! Wait... FITZ!?
LEO
Love knows no boundaries, you bigot.
SAM
I am not a bigot!
LEO [to SAM]
I know. This is the sitcom way of dealing with heavy issues in a ridiculously contrived manner.
SAM
Oh.
LEO
I am not talking to you until you learn to accept the gay community!
SAM
I accept the community! I embrace the community! Wha...
[LEO leaves.]
SAM
Oh, for crying out loud.
[AMY pops her prom video into SAM's vcr.]
[begin tape]
AMY
I'm so excited for prom!
MOM
I know!
AMY
Where's my date!? I can't go without a date!!
DAD
Josh, why don't you take Amy?
JOSH
She wouldn't wanna go with me.
[Amy is crying]
JOSH
Okay.
[He puts on a tux and walks downstairs to
find...]
DATE
You ready to go?
AMY
Hell yeah!
[JOSH looks sad.]
[end tape]
AMY
I can't believe he did that!
SAM
Uh...
AMY
I do love Josh!
SAM
That's great.
[AMY leaves.]
SAM
I think I'm ready to have children...
[AUDIENCE "awww"s]
SORKIN
And...cut!
SAM
What the hell!?
SORKIN
It's clever, see, 'cuz nobody ever has children on TV!
SAM
Really...
SORKIN
NEVER!
SAM
Okay: Friends, Cheers, I Love Lucy, Mad About You, Dharma and Greg, Angel, ER, Growing Pains, Married with Children, All in the Family, The Brady Bunch, The Wes....
SORKIN
Okay, they do...but, it's not a cliché, if that's what you're thinking.
SAM
How is it not!?
SORKIN
Listen, buddy. I didn't even want to give you a show, but apparently you're "eye candy" and a yooooge ratings draw. And, well, as long as I'm making money, I'm happy, and you should just be grateful you're even on TV now.
SAM
By the way, do I get residual checks for this?
SORKIN
Shut up and get back to work.
[Sorkin leaves to wade in a pool of money and shrooms.]
SAM
This show is awful. I quit.
~~~
TOBY
That was pretty crappy, Sam.
JOSH
Yeah.
SAM
Hence the whole quitting thing.
JOSH
So, what now?
TOBY
Why don't you try a drama?
SAM
A drama?
JOSH
Yes! It can appeal to the young demographic!
TOBY
Exactly.
SAM
I don't know...
JOSH
Of course you do!
SAM
I guess I could try it....
~~~
"Here at NBC, we take pride in our programming. The quality shows...here on NBC. Except for when we mess up. Like with 'Inside Schawrtz,' 'Emeril,' 'Leap of Faith,' 'Good Morning, Miami'..."
"But that's not the point. Sometimes we can change a show completely, and then stick it back on the air with a new title. Like 'The Weber Show'. Does anybody remember that piece of crap? I mean, what was my boss thinking when he gave that the green light?"
"Back to the point, PROMO BOY!"
"Right. So... Sam Seaborn goes to congress in an all-new NBC DRAMA..."
WEDNESDAYS @ 10:00/9:00 central, AFTER THAT OTHER SHOW.
~~~
Samuel's Creek
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,
I want to know right now, Oh will I win!?
I don't want to wait! For election to be oooo-over,
Will I be, oh will I be: Senator Seaborn (D-Orange County)?
So, legalize your prostitutes,
call them "call girls" or I'll give you the boot,
You know that if I want my term to be-giiin,
I need a cheezy way to wiiiin.
Do, dooo doo dooo doooooo....
~~~
SAM
Ainsley, did you sleep with Pacey last night?
AINSLEY
Perhaps, Samuel, however yourself and I hast been through for two years now and I shouldn't feel culpable at all for our tryst!
SAM
Oh, the angst! I dare not even glimpse at you now! Farewell, Ainsley! I shalt venture to thy election assemblage to make my oration.
AINSLEY
Fine, Samuel! I hope you never cease to commit to memory how you have behaved toward myself in the present day.
SORKIN
And...cut!
SAM
No words can describe how truly awful that was.
SORKIN
How so, pretty boy!?
SAM
NOBODY talks like that!
SORKIN
We're trying to relate to the teen audience.
SAM
And again I say, NOBODY talks like that! How do you expect them to understand what I'm talking about if I don't even know?
SORKIN
I bet Josh knows. He is "smarter than you" after all...
JOSH
I really have no idea.
SORKIN
Damn.
~~~
JOSH
Sam...
SAM
I know.
JOSH
Sam...
SAM
I know!
JOSH
Maybe you should just stay here with us.
SAM
...and concentrate on Superconducting Whatchamacallits while you're getting all the [censored]? No thanks.
JOSH
Well, not all of it. Didn't you and Mallory hook up?
TOBY
Just a note for future reference. If you ever say "hook up" again, Josh, I may have to beat you.
JOSH
Okay. But, didn't you?
SAM
I don't know.
JOSH
You don't know?
SAM
It hasn't been explained yet.
TOBY
It never will be.
JOSH
Well, that's not right.
SAM
Well, really, there was no time to fit it in with Toby getting his plot contrivance on.
TOBY
Those are my children you're talking about!
SAM
Break out the water skis, Josh, and get ready for some shark jumping!
JOSH
Huh?
SAM
Forget it.
TOBY
Okay. So, why don't we try getting more of a spinoff vibe this time...and make it more realistic...
~~~
"Okay. We're grown men. We can admit when a show sucked. But, NOW we've worked out all the kinks. NBC and Warner Brothers Studios present...the most realistic show about politics on the air..."
THURSDAYS @ 11:00 AFTER ER.
~~~
THE REAL WORLD: D.C.
This is the true story of 7 politicians...
Picked to help Sam Seaborn run for congress...
And find out what happens...
When politics stop being boring...
And start getting about young, HOT senators.
THE REAL WORLD: Washington, D.C.
[scene. confessionals.]
JOSH
Okay...so I was at the bar the other night, and I come home and Sam has brought these 3 strippers back to the house, right? And I'm all 'Yo, you have a girlfriend.' and he's all 'Shut up, jackass.' And that was, like, so not cool or whatever.
SAM
Okay...so I may have brought home some ladies the other night. But Josh was being, like, such a drama queen about it. It's not like I slept with them. He's just totally jealous because he's losing all of his hair and I still maintain gorgeous tresses.
JOSH
And, like, another thing. He's always using words like gorgeous and sumptuous and luxurious. I'm starting to think he has maybe a little Bobby Trendy envy. That or he's totally in the closet...
LEO
So, I get home and Sam and Josh are going at it...like, having a fight or whatever. Somebody had to calm those two down, so I was like, 'Chill, dawgs.' And then CJ walks in drunk, and I was all, 'Girl, you know that ain't good for me to see. Bitch, you knows I'm an alcoholic. Why you gotta be like that?'
CJ
Just because Leo can't have any fun doesn't mean I can't. Anyway, I had to drown my sorrows. [sniffling] Sam and I should be together! I've like only known him for two days, but I think he loves me too! The strippers were just, like, a way to cover.
CHARLIE
Anyways, when I first walked into this house, you cannot believe the language these guys were using. "Dawg. Peeps. Homie!" It's enough to make a brother sick.
[scene. The first day.]
SAM
Yo! What's your name, bro?
CHARLIE
Charlie Young.
JOSH
Are you gay?
CHARLIE [stunned]
No.
AINSLEY [entering]
Hi, y'all.
[confessional]
AINSLEY
Whenever I first came in the house, I was a bit peeved. These guys was all up in my face 'cuz I have an a'cent. I really thought I was gon' cry.
[/confessional]
SAM
"Y'all?" What a hick!
AINSLEY
That ain't funny! That ain't funny! I'm 'on' beatchu with a stick!
LEO [wandering in]
So, peeps, how is it hang-ing?
SAM
Shit! You ain't down, bro! What're you, ninety?
JOSH
Are you gay?
LEO
NO!
[confessional]
JOSH
Well, so-rrrry, but anybody who takes offense to me asking if they're gay must have something to hide. 'Sides, there's always one of them that is.
SAM [offscreen]
Maybe it's you, jerkwad!
JOSH
I'm confessing, you jackass! Can we do that over? CUT!
~~~
TOBY
...And now we've sunken lower than ever.
JOSH
He called me gay!
TOBY
Shut up.
JOSH
But!
TOBY
I don't care. Sam...
SAM
It was your idea to do a reality show!
TOBY
Well, it was your idea to get yourself a goddamn spinoff! What do you want from me? I'm not a writer!
[Josh looks at him, pointedly.]
JOSH
Actually...
TOBY
Can it, Josh! I'm getting sick of you, too! Can neither of you come up with a good idea?
[JOSH and SAM twiddle their thumbs.]
TOBY
Swell...
AMY [entering]
What the hell are you yelling about in here?
TOBY
What are you doing he...
JOSH
...We can't come up with a good show and Toby got mad.
AMY
Well, I could have told you that you guys wouldn't be able to come up with anything.
SAM
Why?
AMY
Because you're men. Let me give this a whirl...
~~~
"Okay, okay. So, sometimes shows get pawned off on other networks. Like, say, 'Wolf Lake,' 'Buffy'... It's not really fair to compare Buffy to 'Wolf Lake,' but you get the point..."
"From the producers of 'The West Wing,' E! presents an all new reality program!"
SUNDAYS @ 11:00 after 12 different True Hollywood Stories on various members of the cast of 'Growing Pains'.
~~~
THE SAM SEABORN SHOW
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel, Samuel Seaborn!
Was born in Cali', strugglin' savin', tryin' to get to fame!
Then you use what you got (and that's a lot!), you became a household name
Married a billionaire, so he was 88, but they didn't date!
Then it all disappeared as fast as it caa-aame!
Samuel, Samuel, glamorous Samuel! Samuel Seaborn!
You're so outrageeeouuus!
~~~
EPISODE ONE: "Redecorating"
SAM
So...uuuuuuuuum...How-aaard came over and...u...i...redecorate.
HOWARD
Sam was really excited. We set up a meeting with one of the best interior decorators around: Joshy Trendy.
[scene. Interior Design 'R' Us.]
SAM
I....uh...pill-ows.
JOSHY
Well, Samuel! How about we get two LUXURIOUS pillows, okay...and we put a picture of you looking FABULOUS one each one?
SAM
Urrr....M...Iff...Valium?
JOSHY
And we could even get your GORGEOUS face looking left on one pillow and right on the other.
SAM
Ucc....do that?
JOSHY
ABSOLUTELY! We can print it right onto some SUMPTUOUS fuscia leopard print fabric! Isn't that exciting!?
SAM
Ihh...
~~~
SAM
I hate you.
AMY
What? It got good ratings!
SAM
I hate you.
AMY
You...
SAM
Get out.
AMY
B...
SAM
Get OUT!
AMY
Sam...
SAM [shrieking]
GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!
[Amy leaves.]
JOSH
Oh, god! My ears! What was that?
SAM
What?
JOSH
With the shrieking.
SAM
No idea.
[TOBY notices CJ walking by.]
CJ [singing]
Why do you build me up, build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down, let me down...
TOBY
CJ!
CJ
I need you, I need you more than anyone, dar... [stopping] What?
TOBY
Maybe you can help?
CJ
With what?
JOSH
Sam needs a new show.
CJ
Sure thing, Spanky. So, what do you wanna do a show about?
SAM
I'm not sure I really want to anymore.
JOSH
What?!
SAM
I'm about ready to give up.
CJ
Not before I get to try something!
SAM
Oh, Lord...
~~~
"No gimmicks. No cheesy theme song. Just a show about Samuel Norman Seaborn and his quest for the senate seat in California. Coming to NBC this fall."
WEDNESDAYS @ 8:00 BEFORE 'THE WEST WING'
~~~
Capitol Hill
SAM
Joey!
JOEY
Yes?
SAM
How are we doing?
JOEY [signing]
You've got 89% of the democratic vote, 92% of the female vote...
SAM
Cute.
JOEY
I'll say. [signing] ...an incredible 1% of the republican vote...
SAM
That was sarcasm?
JOEY
Ya think? [signing] ...but it=s still 1%.
SAM
Log cabin?
JOEY
Yes. [signing] 63% of the 18-25 vote, and 56% of the 26-40. 51% of the 41-55.
SAM
Okay, so I'm winning?
JOEY [signing]
You're eating it in the elderly vote.
SAM
Well, screw the elderly.
JOEY [signing]
...Which is exactly why they're not voting for you.
SAM
That can't hurt too much. How many elderly people actually live in California?
JOEY
Tons.
SAM
Can't be that many.
JOEY [signing]
38% of the population.
SAM
Is there anything you don't know?
JOEY
No.
SAM
Maybe we can convince Nevada to open up some sort of elderly retreat community... get them to leave. Poker, slot machines, all the prunes you can eat...
JOEY
Sam...
SAM
We'll work on it.
[SAM's cell phone is ringing.]
SAM
Hello?
JOSH
Sam!
SAM
Dad?
JOSH [now depressed]
No...i-it's Josh. I don't...sound old ... do I?
SAM
I was kidding.
JOSH
That's not funny.
SAM
Okay.
JOSH
It wasn't.
SAM
Alright. What's up?
JOSH
How's the campaign going?
SAM
Well, I've got 92% of the female vote going for me, which is nice.
JOSH
NINETY-TWO!? Wow.
SAM
Well, clearly they're impressed.
JOSH
I could get that many.
SAM
If you say so.
JOSH
I could. Are you winning?
SAM
By a small margin. So, how is everyone?
JOSH
Well, CJ's been giving me nicknames since you left.
CJ [in the background]
Who ya talkin' to, Pokey?
JOSH [to CJ]
Sam. [to Sam] Toby's getting pissed off writing speeches all by himself.
[a loud thump is heard.]
SAM
What was that?
JOSH
That was him playing with his ball.
SAM
I see...
JOSH
...Everyone else is feeling some Sam-missage too. But, in general, they're all doing good.
SAM
You mean, 'well'
JOSH
Yeah, okay.
SAM
So, how are you?
JOSH
Okay. I guess, uh... One could say ...maybe ...just a little...
SAM
You miss me? [sarcastically] How cute.
JOSH
Though you can't see it, be aware that I am glaring at you right now.
SAM
Good to know.
DONNA
Sam?
SAM
Oh, I have to go. Talk to you later.
JOSH
Okay. Say "hi" to Donna for me.
SAM
Will do. 'Bye.
JOSH
Goodbye.
SAM [to Donna]
Josh says "hi".
DONNA
Did you have to run in California? I mean, it's bad enough that that woman's getting all excited at the prospect of her precious Donna getting married, but we had to move even closer to her!
SAM
By, "that woman" you meant your mom, right? Also, D.C. was closer to Wisconsin than Cal...
DONNA
Samuel Norman Seaborn! You know better than to correct me when I'm ranti...
SAM
I do, actually. Why would I do that? [pleading] Why, God, why?
DONNA [half-amused]
Shut up.
SAM
I will not.
DONNA
Then I'll just have to make you... Hey! Is that a Dungeons and Dragons Convention!?
SAM [looking around frantically]
Huh? Where? [realizing] I loathe you.
DONNA
You do realize you're provoking me to become Mandy-ish. Or worse: Amy-esque. I need tender loving care!
SAM
What are you? A chia pet?
DONNA
You're comparing me with a shrub?
SAM [somewhat to himself]
Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel. Not going to go for the obvious bush parallel....
DONNA
You perv!
SAM
Yeah, you love it. [gesturing] Get over here.
~~~
SAM
Oooh!
CJ
You're happy?
SAM
Well it needs work. Like, the numbers...
CJ
Back off, man!
JOSH
You and Donna?
SAM
What?
JOSH
YOU and DONNA?
CJ
I think they look good together. Also: Shut up, Josh.
TOBY
It really doesn't matter. Are we done? We've got a show?
SAM
Yeah, okay.
CJ
Alright!
TOBY
Good. Now get the hell out of here.
SAM
No goodbye hug?
TOBY
GET OUT!
THE END