Michael: Hey Pam. Pam! Pam-O. (slaps desk with hands, leans in) Didja get that thing I sent ya?

Pam: Uh, you mean the--

Michael: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law! Ahh... funny stuff. You know, I had pretty much the same idea years ago. Years!

Pam: You mean that Adult Swim thing?

Michael: Yeah, all of it, pretty much. Not the stuff with the talking food, I don't even get that. Especially that piece of meat, gross.

Pam: I.. don't really know, I don't stay up late enough to watch it.

Michael: Oh yeah? Nothing else is... keeping you.. up at night? Like Roy? Hey-oh!

Pam: ...That's really none of your business.

(silence)

Michael: Ahh, yeah. Well, sorry Pam. Just trying to lighten the mood. Why does it always feel like such a prison in here? I feel like I'm doing time at Riker's Island, for Pete's sake! I mean, jeeeeez, (grabbing on to the doorknob of his office and shaking it) Sanctuary! Sannnnctuaryyy! (looks over shoulder at camera)

Pam: (half-gaping)

Pam: Do I think Michael's a bad boss? ...I don't think Michael.. is a bad.. person. I really don't think he's a bad person. ...he's an awful boss though, yes.

Michael: Seriously though, did you get the survey?

Pam: (checking her computer) You mean the Employee Evaluation?

Michael: Yeah, great, could you just print out a whole mess of copies for everyone and tell them to fill it out by the end of the day?

Pam: Didn't we do something like thing a couple of months ago? Performance reviews? In your office?

Michael: Yeah, well, the decision from corporate was that we needed a more structural, ah, objective way of measuring employee performance and drive and workflow, e.g., the Scranton branch. So, just print those out for me?

Pam: It's due by the end of the day?

Michael: Yeah? So?

Pam: Michael, this survey is really long, why didn't you send it to me earlier?

Michael: Okay, the Employee Evaluations got out a little later in the day than I wanted, just because... well, originally, I thought it would be a good idea to attach my own questions that I had devised onto the Employee Evaluation. Because... surveys like this test a lot of what's up here (points to brain) but not a lot of what's in here (points to heart). Um, or what's up here (points to brain), but creatively. I think creativity is really important for an office. Or anywhere. Martin Luther King Jr. was creative. If he hadn't had that weird dream, whatever it was about, Stanley wouldn't be with us today. And that would be sad.

Anyway, my section of the survey didn't make it because corporate didn't think that drawing pictures was a good tool for assessing employee values and goals. Maybe, maybe not. I thought it would be a much less constrictive way of expressing opinions, but then not everyone is a that good of an artist. I happen to be great at drawing, but... (shrugs)

Michael: Okay, well, that's kind of classified Pam, but FYI, I had to revise the first copy a little bit. And then it was lunch time, and I got stuck in line at Subway behind this lady who was ordering at least a hundred sandwichs, and you know...

Pam: Okay okay, that's fine, just.. how many copies do you want?

Michael: You know, as many as the number of employees we have.

Pam: (shrugs)

Michael: Like... twenty?

Pam: (thinking)

Michael: Fifty?

Pam: (furrows brow)

(cuts off to Pam forwarding the email to the Scranton office mailing list and instructing them to print it out themselves)

Michael: So! (claps hands together) To clarify, what we're doing today is something called (using fingers to indicate quotation marks) "Employee Evaluations". Ah, whatever that means. Basically, they're just surveys. Ah, we'll be using them in tight conjugation with the... uh, evaluations made during performance reviews to determine things like pay raises and promotions, and ways to improve the company. Uh, not because the performance reviews weren't sufficient... exactly... I think they were overstating things when they said that... but, more like, because... well, I'm doing this for Jan. Pretty much. Gotta... smooooth things out with the old lady, you know? The old ball and chain! The old sack of potatoes!

Pam: Basically, we've got to take this eight-page survey because Michael is Jan's bitch. ...oh my gosh! Can I say that? (covers mouth, grinning)

Pam: (watching Jim read his email)

Jim: (reading it, glances over at Pam, gives her the thumbs up)

Pam: (smiling, mouths "survey!")

Jim: (smiling, nods, goes back to the rest of his email)

Pam: (still looking over, realizes Jim's not going to look back, goes back to computer)

Jim: Oh sure, I'm excited. I not many people know it, but I eat this kind of thing up. Online quizzes, IQ tests, tax forms, you name it. I really hope it has a scan-tron section. God,I love filling in those bubbles.

Michael: Uh... yeah, I'm going to take the Employee Evaluation. Not because I have to, my job's pretty secure. I mean, besides that the branch might be shut down, but that wouldn't effect me, just (points outside of himself with both fingers). Still, I should set a good example for the troops. A leader should inspire his followers. Plus, Jan will be reading the Employee Evaluations, so, maybe a chance to impress her? Chicks dig guys with ambition. And also, poetry.

Dwight: I'm thrilled personally. I don't know if you remember, but I... NAILED... the last employee evaluation. I was promoted to Assistant Regional Manager. And now I have the chance to advance even further. I'm taking this very seriously.

Dwight: (recording voicemail message) This is Dwight Shrute. I am unavailable to come to the phone today due to an extremely important business-related opportunity. If you need to reach me for personal or professional reasons, please leave a message at the tone. If you have a complaint or threatening message of any kind, press 5.

Jim: (just staring at him) Press 5? That's not going to do anything.

Dwight: (hanging up) Wrong. The answering machine will record the sound. Then, even if they don't leave a message, I can use the Caller ID to trace the call and detect the enemy before they even realize I'm on to them.

Jim: (looking up at ceiling, exasperated) Okay... Dwight, even if someone were out to get you, wouldn't it make more sense for you to let them leave a message so you know who they are or what they're gonna do or...?

Dwight: Not really. Knowledge is power. But only the right knowledge. Now please stop bothering me, this survey could determine the rest of my life. (short silence) Yours too, if you play your cards right. (smirks)

Jim: (reading survey) Short-term goals... hmm. How about, (writing) "Get... my... desk... changed."