A/N: Thank you for the prompt! I was so happy and somewhat honored(?) to write this. I explored the 3rd person side which isn't something that I choose to do very often since it's not all that easy, but turns out I love challenges! I don't have a beta reader, so excuse me for any silly mistakes. xo Mel

"I need no soft lights to enchant me

If you'll only grant me the right

To hold you ever so tight

And to feel in the night the nearness of you"

Norah Jones

Then

Olivia never thought she would get out of control like that. She had a baby, one of the busiest precincts in New York city to run, and a few friends there she considered family of her own. It was enough to live a happy, cozy life. She was being so incredibly unethical and wrong to allow herself to see Amanda Rollins as something more than a friend. Hell, they weren't even friends. Had the girl been the one to pursue her, this would not be happening.

What a nightmare.

"Olivia?" Fin was standing at her office's door, a concerned look on his features.

"Yes?"

"Are you alright? You look like you could use some sleep."

Olivia knew that. She sighed. "I'll be better tomorrow, but thanks."

"No problem."

She felt like a teenager all over again, hiding from her pals and everyone the fact she was in love with a girl. Not just any girl, but her dependent. The sex was amazing, and every time she was in the girl's arms, all sleepiness vanished. Even if they weren't together, the thoughts of Amanda kept her up at night. The way she looked at her with that big, full smile, her lips drawing landscapes on Olivia's body… she loved every second of it. What she meant as a one night's stand to relieve a difficult case for both of them turned into long, repeated nights that neither of them wanted to stop.

It felt right, being with her. She knew they couldn't effectively be together; it would be just too much to handle. A relationship, a name for the repeated actions they were doing would complicate just about everything, and Olivia already knew she wasn't good at that. To make it even better, Olivia knew Amanda had been sleeping with Nick before all this. "You're my gay side" Amanda had said the first time they slept together, clothes basically torn apart on top of Olivia and entering her two hungry fingers.

But it still made her think that she was the cause of all this. She should have the power to end it, since she started it. Olivia didn't want to be an experience, or a mistake, or someone who Amanda wouldn't be able to look in the eyes in the future, when she realized what a waste of space she was.

Damn, not those thoughts again.

Her cell beeped from inside her office. You have a new message.

What's up? Do you need any help? Promise I won't try to get my hands on you, just tell me what to do, you seem kinda lost in there. xo Manda

She had to make a decision, even though all she wanted was right across the door.

Amanda didn't have anyone to talk to. The nights she didn't go home with Olivia were all the same, she went home to her best buddy Frannie and ordered something to eat. Usually it was sushi, same place and same order. The only good thing about it was that she could wake up earlier for the morning run. Of course she didn't mind replacing that with sex, but sometimes she kind of just wanted Olivia to be there kissing her, teasing her, but not always fucking.

It became a nightmare, because she'd never have the guts to admit that. It'd ruin everything, knowing Olivia's past as she did. Amanda wasn't really one for relationships either, so this felt strange and overwhelming. Each time she woke up to realize Olivia wasn't there another piece of her heart would break. She knew her sergeant didn't feel the same love, but she couldn't help loving the woman. Amanda sighed. She would text, but she didn't want to be a bore the one night they weren't together. She probably needed space or sleep or both.

Being with Olivia, she didn't mind her sexual orientation nor ever thought about it. The older detective was brilliant, gorgeous and hot as fuck, someone anybody would love to get involved with. She was so tender all the time, always wanting to please but also accepting Amanda's cares. Olivia's body was absolutely perfect; her skin was so smooth that once it had almost gotten the blonde crying underneath her. Being with her was easy, she was never afraid.

Amanda thought about her ex boyfriends, the fact none of them had made her want to stay, let alone settle down in a marriage. Once it almost happened with a guy named Josh, but Amanda had been way too young then. She knew her future belonged in the force and if she could help it far away from Georgia.

Olivia, Olivia, Olivia. Nothing compared to Olivia. This was out of hand.

Amanda lifted her hand to rub her eyes and only then did she realize she was crying, make up smudgy, nails screwed up. She pulled her knees on the couch and diminished herself in a ball. Frannie came running when the echoes of her sobs filled the apartment's walls, licking her feet and trying to get any sort of attention by going in circles around himself in front of Amanda. Nothing changed. He didn't stop trying.

Carrie Underwood's "Twisted" went off on her cell phone, revealing a sign on the screen. Amanda also saw that it was already 1AM. You have a new message.

I can't do this. I can't hurt you, so I have to leave. I'm sorry Georgia peach, I really am, but we can't see each other outside of work anymore. You were amazing. I'm sorry. Night xo

God, this was a nightmare. She flounced angrily on the couch, scaring Frannie away, and threw her BlackBerry against the wall. She couldn't believe this was happening. She couldn't believe she had fallen in love with Olivia Benson, and couldn't blame her for changing her mind if she tried.

She wished she was at a casino, gambling her feelings away. Too bad she couldn't face the idea of leaving her home, because then it would feel real.

She wasn't enough for Olivia Benson. Of course it had to be a fucking dream.

Now

Five months passed. Everything was going pretty normal again, Amanda and Olivia went back to not being friends but were still compassionate and understanding with each other, having locked their feelings somewhere they couldn't see it often. It didn't hurt as much, and joking when they were in friendly groups of convo over drinks felt normal again.

Amanda didn't go back to seeing Nick even though he showed full, compromised interest in her. She knew he was a good lover, an angry but loyal man, and that he probably would try to build a good relationship with her, but how would she endure it? Seeing Olivia's face whenever he told her he loved her? No, no, that was not the life Amanda had signed up for. She'd rather be alone in her comfort zone and pick up random people from the bars she attended weekly.

Everything was fine, so during the second round of shots at their usual bar, the squad plus Munch who had finally joined them for a visit started talking about the latest events in their lives. Amanda was glad to know Fin had gotten a puppy and his confession about spending way less time in front of endless video games. Olivia laughed out loud when he informed the puppy's name was "Finnie", because in addition to that being the best name in the world, he couldn't afford creativity to give the puppy another one. Amanda always cherished that sound, feeling even lighter when Olivia smiled at her across the table.

"So Olivia, I heard some rumors…" said Munch. "But I'd rather hear it from you?"

The brunette pulled her hands up in defense and made a face when they all looked at her. "Hey! I don't know who told you anything but you should've kept your ears closed!"

They shared a laugh, but Amanda was biting down at her lip. This couldn't be good.

"So it's true then?" Fin asked, raising his eyebrows. "I think I heard the same rumour!"

Olivia laughed, stealing a glance at Amanda to check if it would be okay for her to know the news. The blonde was also smiling and didn't seem to have a change in her mood. She decided she'd have to try, and if she didn't tell, someone else would. Might get ugly.

"Yes," she stopped to laugh again because all eyes on the table seemed anxious for the announcement. "I, Olivia Benson, am dating! For the past entire month!"

"Who's the lucky guy?!" Munch asked, a smirk on his face.

"You don't know him, but his name's Christopher."

The guys clapped, leaving Carisi a little lost. He didn't really know about Olivia's personal life, but didn't ask either. On the other hand, Amanda's blood was boiling inside. She felt the urge to go away, but leaving the table now would be too obvious. She steadied herself instead and tried her best fake smiles. If she took another shot she was done.

Olivia's smile began to die out when she noticed the look the blonde was throwing at her. Ignore it Olivia, it's just a moment. She's never seen you with anyone. She's probably with Nick! Her face warmed up a little, jealousy making its presence known.

They barely said their proper goodnights after that.

...

Before falling asleep, it became a ritual for Amanda that she'd imagine what Olivia looked like naked with a man she'd come to appreciate. By the time she was up for her daily morning run, she also kept asking herself what Olivia was doing. She was on Amanda's mind so incessantly you could call it a tumor.

On Monday, she arrived at the precinct before anyone else, running to sit on her spot to start doing paperwork. Mondays were always busy, so she had to get ahead of herself if she planned on solving any opened cases today. And like that she went through the day; quickly answering e-mails, DD5's, barely eating, rushing out of the building alongside Fin for a crime scene when the time came. She wished she had the chance to run after a perp or punch someone, but she obviously was never lucky to get everything she wanted.

Amanda was tired by the time it came to leave her work. She insisted to be left alone, using some nonsense excuse. Lying her head down on the steering wheel before gathering courage to leave for yet another lonely night, she made a decision. Typing the numbers on her cell, she didn't have to look up in the contacts list. She hadn't forgotten.

"Liv?"

"Hey, Amanda? Are you alright?" Olivia answered, a little confused as to why the blonde was calling her. They'd just seen each other.

"Can I come over? Is Christopher there?"

"Yeah, sure. He isn't here, Amanda, we're not living together."

"Alright. We need to talk." She hesitated, waiting for a "no" or something else. "Or I need to talk, whatever."

"Okay." Olivia sighed, pouring herself a glass of red wine. "Be safe. I'm waiting."

When Amanda was parking in front of Olivia's place, she reconsidered for a moment. Depending on how this played out tonight, she would have to think about going to work in another precinct. She was about to pour her heart out, whether Olivia wanted or not. She was completely whacked, emotionally disturbed, almost about to go back to self destructing because she blamed herself for letting Olivia leave. Back then, she didn't try to fight it, she didn't call her and didn't mention their relationship again. The texting had stopped, they weren't ever alone anymore, not even in the precinct. Amanda wanted her back.

Fuck the boyfriend, she's mine.

She gathered courage she was sure didn't exist within her and the doorman let her in, a smile on his face. "Detective Rollins, good night" She was a little surprised he still remembered her face. After knocking on Olivia's door and being greeted in, she rushed to the living room, barely saying hi. Amanda started biting on her nails until Olivia came close to her, back resting on her glass table.

"I just put Noah to sleep."

Amanda's eyes lit up, facing her. "Is he doing okay?"

"Yes, thank you." Olivia smiled a little. Noah had asked about Amanda a few times in these last months, he adored the young detective, but Olivia didn't think it was a good idea to mention that. "Would you like something to drink?"

"No, thanks." Amanda pulled a chair and looked back at Olivia, quietly asking for permission to sit. Olivia nodded and sat beside her on another chair. She looked tired, Amanda noticed. "I'm sorry I came here so late. I'm feeling awful and I'm tired of hiding away."

"Talk to me."

"Look, I know I should've said something before, when you broke up with me through a text." She bit on her lip, shaking her head at the ridiculousness of that situation. "But I couldn't."

"Amanda… you've been straight all your life. I'm your boss. I get that you wouldn't know how to break up with me, so I saved you some hard time."

"What?!" Amanda chuckled. "You saved me some hard time? Olivia, you don't have a clue, do you?"

Olivia frowned. She was dating a man now, one that was her age, one that brought her flowers and that she didn't have to hide from anyone. She was alright, this conversation should've happened months ago. But it didn't, and there was no point in doing this anymore. She sighed before speaking again.

"Amanda, I don't understand where you're getting at, but we don't need to do this. I'm sorry for the way I broke things off between us, but it's done now." Suddenly, Olivia felt an incredible pull in her heart. Tears made its way behind her eyes. "It's been so long."

The blonde squeezed her hand, wanting to cry herself. "Why did you really leave me, Olivia? Was I not enough to you?"

They stared at each other for some time, neither knowing what to do or say. Olivia didn't hold the girl's hand back at first, but when a couple of tears rolled down from her favorite blue eyes, she couldn't handle it. She wasn't made of stone.

Running her thumb over the fingers she missed the most, the brunette answered. "I was not enough for you, Amanda. Things were complicated. We weren't dating, but it felt as heavy as a worn-out relationship. I was constantly scared to do something you didn't like, or push it in a way that would make you not want to work with me anymore."

"I made you scared?" Amanda felt small, and her voice dropped a tone or two. She dried her eyes with the back of her free hand.

Olivia quickly let go of her hand, scared of how easy it was to talk to this girl in front of her about her feelings. That wasn't something that happened a lot. She got up, meaning to go grab a cup of fresh water.

"Don't." Amanda jumped up and grabbed the woman's hand softly, making her turn back around. They were a few inches apart, and Amanda came even closer. "Olivia. Talk to me."

"It's too overwhelming… why are you doing this to me?"

There it was. Olivia started crying, hiding her face on her hands, trying to look anywhere else that wasn't the blonde. She lay on the wall behind them and tried to control herself.

"I'm sorry." Amanda reached out and hugged her, kissing her forehead even if she had to get on her toes. She pulled Olivia into her arms and sighed. "I love you. That's why I'm here. I've loved you since the first time you kissed me. I know it's gone now and that I've lost my chance, but I wanted so much more to do with you."

Olivia took a breath, calmed down a little. She pulled away and looked at Amanda, only to find the most beautiful smile she had ever seen. "I have Christopher now."

"Stop being' so cold to me. This is not about him."

"I'm being truthful! Isn't that what you want?"

Amanda took Olivia's hand and brought it to her waist. Olivia didn't fight it; she simply ran her eyes up and down the figure in front of her as if challenging her next move. "What I want is right here." Amanda pinned the brunette with her body against the wall. "Tell me to go home."

Olivia found her way underneath Amanda's shirt and touched her there. She missed this. "No."

They stayed like that for a while, listening to each other's breath. When it was time and their moods came back to normal, the blonde brought her lips to Olivia's ear and teased her earlobe, biting it softly. Olivia released an "oh" and pressed the other woman harder against her. "Don't you see you're everything I want? You're not just enough, Olivia, I'm completely in love with you." Her lips slipped down to her sergeant's neck and kissed her repeatedly there. "You're beautiful. You're perfect."

Olivia felt her legs tremble, and she couldn't do anything to stop it. This was completely wrong, but it didn't feel that way. She had never cheated in her entire life, but when Amanda's leg moved between her legs she was literally gone. "Touch me." It was almost a cry.

Amanda smiled and in a fast move she grabbed both of Olivia's arms and turned her around, head against the wall. She pressed her pelvis fully on her back, embracing Olivia's waist with one hand. Her voice was hoarse. "Does he make you feel beautiful?" She kissed the woman everywhere she could reach but her lips.

Olivia took her hand and pushed it inside her loose pants. She moaned loudly and threw her head back on Amanda's shoulder when the girl touched her over her lace panties. "Does he make you feel wanted like I do?" Fingers moving softly, she waited for any kind of answer. She held Olivia in place and touched her like she was sure she loved, but she couldn't do this without granted permission given. She knew Olivia was in a high, she couldn't screw this up.

"Amanda."

"Yeah sweetheart, I'm here."

"You make me crazy and he doesn't. Now touch me."

Amanda laughed about Olivia's urge, and did the opposite. She carefully retrieved her hand from Olivia's pants and turned her around again. Not wanting the brunette to think for a single moment she didn't want her, she crashed their lips together.

And God, they were hungry. Olivia smiled against her lips when they pulled away. Their foreheads touched and she kissed Amanda again, her tongue tracing the blonde's lips and sucking them between her teeth. "You didn't come here for sex at all, did you?"

"No, I didn't." She pressed her lips on Olivia's cheek. "You just did it again though. It's like I fall harder for you each time you kiss me like that."

Olivia laughed and hugged her. She laid her head on Amanda's shoulder and smelled her scent. It was intoxicating. "What do we do now?"

"It's up to you." Amanda took a step backwards and went to sit on the couch. "Come here."

She did go after her, and when they lay down together, she was sure of it: no man could make her feel loved like Amanda Rollins did. "Do you want to sleep over?"

"Just like that?" She grinned with the thought of starting something again. "I didn't bring any clothes."

"I'll borrow you some of my own if that's okay."

"It is." They got comfortable in each other's arms and Olivia kissed her again.

"You won't mind if one of the boys notices?"

"Olivia, is that what you were scared of?" Amanda laughed. "Did you seriously break things off between us because you thought I couldn't handle some gossip?"

"It's not just some gossip, Amanda. I wish it was."

"Well, if you want me, I'm ready to face whatever comes."

Olivia got on top of her smiling. "Okay. I have no idea how we can figure this out, but I want it. I want to go back to texting and tell you for the first time I love you, too."

Amanda's eyes filled with happy tears. "You do?" She held Olivia's face on her hands and kissed her sweetly a hundred times.

"Busted."