The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any GI Joe characters is off at a photo shoot today. Not even this idea is mine! Coldfusion 180 wrote a lot of it! So sit back and relax. Once again it's time to…
Know Your Joe: Cover Girl
"So what is it we're about to see again?" Shipwreck asked as the Joes gathered around.
"Not sure," Alpine shrugged. "All the notice said was that there was going to be a special presentation showing in the auditorium."
"And it didn't say who it was from?" Flint asked. "I smell trap. Anyone else smell trap?"
"How can it be a trap?" Lifeline asked.
"Have you forgotten the last time we there was a 'special presentation' in the auditorium?" Shipwreck made quotes with his fingers.
"Oh right," Lifeline remembered. "The time Beachhead accused us all of stealing Sgt. Snuffles."
"And it turned out that he forgot he had his stupid bear dry cleaned the entire time!" Alpine snapped. "He was acting so dramatic you would have thought we were at the Nuremburg trials!"
"I know I wanted to wring Beachhead's neck when it was over," Shipwreck grumbled.
"At least we get to view it on the big, high definition screen," Lady Jaye glanced at the projector.
"And with popcorn," Bazooka smiled with an enormous bucket in his lap.
"Where did you get the popcorn?" Alpine asked.
"Back there," Bazooka pointed. "Popcorn machine in the corner."
"We have a popcorn machine?" Flint blinked. "Since when?"
"I don't like it," Roadblock frowned checking his seat. "It must be some kind of trick."
"Relax Roadblock. No one is gonna try anything this deep in the Pit," Duke waved.
"Oh yeah?" Roadblock snorted. "What about when Airtight messed with the pools during last month's swimming qualifications?"
"Okay, that was pretty bad," Duke winced at the memory. "I still can't figure out how he snuck so much dye into the pools without anybody noticing."
"I can't believe how funny everybody looked dyed pink, orange and turquoise," Shipwreck chuckled.
"I found the sight of Airtight cleaning out all the pools with a Q-tip to be very funny indeed," Alpine snickered.
"Easy for you to say. I'm still cleaning dye off me," Flint grumbled scratching at his ear. "In places you don't want to know about!"
"And not knowing will help us sleep at night," Shipwreck remarked.
"Shhh, it's starting," Lady Jaye hushed.
The auditorium darkened as the lights were dimmed and the projector screen flared to life. A brief moment of static flickered across it before displaying a very familiar sight. "Hello everybody!"
"Oh no," Flint paled as Short Fuse and Quick Kick's images appeared. "I should have known!"
"Not again," Dial Tone groaned.
"See! I told you it was a trick," Roadblock moaned. "I thought we'd seen the last edition of Short Fuse and Quick Kick!"
"Obviously you thought wrong," Lifeline groaned.
"Welcome back to another grand production of Know Your Joe!" Quick Kick grinned happily. "Packed with all the fun facts and trivia that give our lives meaning!"
"Yeah our lives mean more than it's worth to sit through this garbage!" Duke spoke up.
"I'm leaving," Flint declared getting up.
"You said it," Alpine agreed as everyone headed for the door. "There's no way I'm going to stay and watch this stupid show."
"Today we're uncovering the background of everyone's favorite tank jockey: Cover Girl!" Quick Kick smiled.
"On second thought," Alpine did an immediate about-face.
"Alright!" Shipwreck grinned as the bulk of the Joes eagarly retook their seats. "Finally something worth watching!"
"Oh boy," Lady Jaye sighed. "This is not going to end well."
"Just to be clear, we're only staying to see how much of a mess this ends up being right?" Scarlett asked.
"Right," Lady Jaye agreed as they took their seats.
"Now we know what you're all probably thinking, and no we aren't including a gorgeous, incredibly attractive woman just to generate more interest in our show," Quick Kick explained. "We don't want to copy what everyone else has done."
"Why not?" Alpine asked.
"Yeah, why not?" Shipwreck hollered at the screen.
"Remind me to kick your butts later," Scarlett glared at the men.
"We've actually wanted to extrapolate about Cover Girl for quite some time," Quick Kick went on. "We just haven't been able to get the ideal and proper conditions to come along until now."
"Like when Cover Girl is out on maneuvers far away from the Pit along with Beach Head, Recondo, Breaker and Low Light," Short Fuse added.
"Of course," Lady Jaye groaned.
"Now it becomes clear," Roadblock groaned. "Those gentlemen are protecting their rear!"
"So let's get to it!" Quick Kick grinned readying his notes. "Cover Girl's real name is Courtney A. Krieger and she hails from Peoria, Illinois."
"We know that! Move it along already!" Shipwreck shouted.
"Due to circumstances, Cover Girl obviously isn't able to appear here today," Short Fuse said. "So we plan to make up for it by showing lots and lots of pictures!"
"And boy are there a lot!" Quick Kick whistled. "Thanks to a certain expert who is able to retrieve rare and hard to find information."
"And for once we don't mean Shipwreck," Short Fuse added. "Not for lack of trying on his part."
"Hurry it up man! Quit keeping us in suspense!" Shipwreck yelled.
"Here's a shot of Cover Girl during her early years," Quick Kick said as a picture appeared on screen. "Early meaning around age six."
"Wow!" Shipwreck blinked at the image. "I wasn't expecting that!"
"That's a lot of missing teeth," Alpine noted.
"I never know Cover Girl used to be cross-eyed," Dial Tone commented. "Now I know."
"And knowing is why Quick Kick and Short Fuse can be considered dead men," Lady Jaye sighed. "Cover Girl is going to kill them when she gets back."
"Here's another priceless pic of Cover Girl at age ten." The screen switched to another picture.
"That's different," Bazooka blinked. "I never thought Cover Girl would ever have worn braces."
"The coke bottle glasses and pigtails are equally unexpected," Duke commented.
"I take it back," Lady Jaye corrected. "Cover Girl isn't going to kill them. She's gonna roast them alive!"
"I'll supply the marshmallows if you get the firewood," Scarlett quipped.
"Eventually though this young, unassuming specimen grew up into the Cover Girl we all know and love," Quick Kick narrated.
"And fear for our lives," Short Fuse added.
"Yeowza!" Shipwreck goggled at a nineteen year old Cover Girl in a bikini. Her appearance was almost identical to the current day. "Now that's what I'm talking about!"
"This show's really starting to grow on me," Dial Tone grinned.
"Here's a picture of Cover Girl attending her senior prom," Quick Kick continued. "And here's one of her getting into a fight with one of her many peers."
"Wow!" Shipwreck whistled at Cover Girl dunking another girl into a punch bowl. "I am just loving this!"
"Unfortunately, we don't know exactly what the fight was about," Short Fuse commented regretfully. "But we do know that Cover Girl ended up doing this to her opponent's car."
"Ouch," Duke winced at the shot of Cover Girl running over a fancy corvette with a very large truck. "At least we know Cover Girl's habit of utterly destroying vehicles is consistent."
"And knowing is..." Bazooka began.
"Please Bazooka. I'm suffering enough already," Duke held up a hand.
"Okay," Bazooka shrugged and went back to eating his popcorn.
"Gotta admit the girl has style," Scarlett remarked. "And imagination."
"After high school, Cover Girl had a very successful and eventful career as a high fashion model in Chicago and New York," Quick Kick beamed. "Here's an exclusive look of her career with shots taken both on and behind the scenes!"
"Oh no. They wouldn't," Lady Jaye warned.
"They would," Roadblock sighed.
"They did," Scarlett threw up her hands. "Cue the bikini shots right on schedule."
"This is one of her earlier gigs for a swimwear line which I think she models quite well," Short Fuse showed. "But it's the rare behind the scenes footage that's the real kicker and has never been seen before. Until now."
"Here's a shot of Cover Girl getting into a fight with a photographer," Quick Kick narrated as the image filled the screen. "Here's a shot of her getting into a fight with a background assistant. Here's one of her during a fight with three other models at a pond shoot."
"Homina!" Shipwreck practically drooled at the sight of Cover Girl attempting to drown two women while fending off a third. "This is priceless! I totally forgive Short Fuse and Quick Kick for making all their previous shows!"
"I'm starting to hope they continue to make more shows like this one," Alpine grinned.
"Here's a shot of her setting fire to one model's surfboard at a beach shoot," Short Fuse added.
"I'm starting to see why Cover Girl's modeling career was so short," Roadblock winced.
"Not half as short as those skirts!" Alpine cheered when the next shot was shown.
"That model helping her beat up the cameraman isn't half bad looking either," Shipwreck added.
"Now this picture is Cover Girl and her mother doing a mother daughter shoot," Quick Kick added. "Apparently Mamma Krieger is also a model as well."
"THAT'S HER MOM?! WHOO HOO! CALL HOME MOMMA I'M COMING!" Shipwreck howled.
"Here's some more pictures from that shoot," Quick Kick added. "Mom also knows some very good fighting moves which she obviously passed down to her daughter."
"As well as her love for beating up people and setting things on fire," Short Fuse added.
"That is one hot Momma!" Shipwreck hooted along with some other male Joes.
"Only because she's holding a flamethrower," Barbecue remarked. "Gotta admire her technique."
"I want to look away but I can't…" Lifeline's eyes widened. "Why can't I look away?"
"Because you're a pervert like the rest of these guys!" Scarlett snapped.
"You guys are sick," Lady Jaye scolded them. "Cover Girl is our friend and teammate and you're all ogling at shots of her personal life. It's completely wrong and disrespectful, right Flint? Flint?"
"Uh?" Flint stared at a shot of Cover Girl wrestling another model. "Wow."
"WHAT?!" Lady Jaye yelled.
"Oops," Flint realized what he had done and turned to see Lady Jaye glaring at him dangerously. "Wait! Um, I can explain!"
"EXPLAIN THIS!" Lady Jaye shouted before socking him in the jaw.
"OW! OW! OW!" Flint wailed as Lady Jaye jumped on him and began to beat him up. "YEEEOOOWWW! THAT HURTS! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! BOY AM I SORRY! AAAHHHHHH!"
"Uhhh," Duke winced at the abuse Flint was getting. He looked at Scarlett. "Uh you're not going to beat me up too?"
"Why would I? We're not dating anymore," Scarlett waved. "Why should I care what you watch?"
"And there it is," Duke groaned. "Sucker punch to the pride. Couldn't you just break my arm instead?"
"Oh man. This is terrible!" Alpine's eyes grew wide. "I don't know which to watch. The fight on the screen or the fight in the aisle!"
"Got it," Shipwreck pulled out a smart phone and casually recorded Lady Jaye and Flint while watching the show.
"Thanks man," Alpine said as he went back to the screen.
"Anytime," Shipwreck said. "Just call me Mr. TiVo!"
"I can think of a few other words to call you," Scarlett glared at him.
"Oh like you're not going to watch the instant replay later and cheer on your BFF," Shipwreck remarked.
Scarlett frowned. "Okay I'll give you that one!"
"I dunno," Duke kept watching Lady Jaye beat up Flint. "I'm more partial to live fights. I'm still on the fence on figuring out which one to watch."
"Here's a rare video clip," Quick Kick announced. "It shows an incident at a beach photo shoot Cover Girl was at involving volleyballs, suntan lotion and six hundred pounds of lime gelatin."
"Okay, now I do," Duke turned to the screen while ignoring Flint's cries of pain.
"Oh my," Lifeline blushed and covered his eyes.
"Oh yeah!" Shipwreck whooped at the clip of Cover Girl bombarding people with volley balls while perched in a lifeguard stand. "This is great! You can't beat entertainment like this!"
"I always did like this show," Slipstream smiled.
"Sometimes you have to give a program a chance before you really get into it," Barbecue admitted.
"But that's not all!" Quick Kick grinned and appeared once again as the clip ended. "Here's a special look at Cover Girl and her fellow coworkers during a scissors 'accident' in a certain fashion dressing room..."
"A Victoria's Secret fashion dressing room," Short Fuse added.
"Eeep!" Shipwreck looked like he was about to achieve enlightenment.
"I can't watch," Roadblock covered his eyes.
"I CAN!" Shipwreck cheered.
"OWWW! SERIOUSLY LADY JAYE STOP HURTING ME!" Flint yelled.
"Flint keep it down!" Alpine snapped. "We're trying to watch the show here!"
"Yeah could you be a little more considerate of the people around you?" Slipstream yelled.
"Some guys always have to be the center of attention," Bazooka waved.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! ROADBLOCK! LIFELINE!" Flint yelled. "YEOWW! MY ARM!"
"I ain't going near that," Roadblock shook his head. "How about you Lifeline? Lifeline?"
"I'm a bad boy," Lifeline's eyes were glued to the screen. "I'm a very bad boy…"
"Here it comes..." Short Fuse prepared to show the clip.
BOOOOOOM!
"What was that?" Duke blinked as the background behind Short Fuse and Quick Kick exploded along with their desk.
"That was a missile from the Wolverine putting an abrupt end to the show," Sci-Fi said.
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse screamed on screen and quickly ran for their lives.
"And that is Cover Girl driving the Wolverine attempting to put an abrupt end to Short Fuse and Quick Kick," Sci-Fi finished.
"Breaker must have picked up the transmission and told the others what it was about," Dial Tone realized.
"That explains why Cover Girl is yelling at Low Light and Beach Head to shoot lasers at them," Alpine said as Short Fuse and Quick Kick were chased off the screen.
"Noooooo!" Shipwreck wailed at the screen. "It can't end yet! I gotta see what happened in the dressing room!"
"I think the mortuary room is going to be busy in a minute," Slipstream noted.
"WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME?! AAAAGGGHHHHHH!" Flint screamed.
"YOU STUPID, EMPTY HEADED...!" Lady Jaye continued to wail on him.
"See what I mean?" Slipstream quipped.
RRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPPP!
CRASH!
"GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Quick Kick and Short Fuse burst through the auditorium screen wearing looks of sheer terror.
VRRROOOOOOOOOMMM!
The Wolverine followed right behind them and proceeded to tear up the aisles. Literally.
"AAAHHHHHH!" The Joes yelled and quickly dove out of the way.
"HELP! SAVE US! AAAIIIEEEEEEEEE!" Short Fuse and Quick Kick shrieked.
"GET THEM!" Cover Girl yelled while Beach Head and Low Light perched on the front of the Wolverine and shot at the two fleeing Joes. "YOU TWO LOWLIFES ARE GOING TO DIE!"
"YAAAHHHHHH!" Recondo and Breaker screamed as they clung to the back and desperately tried not to fall off.
"AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" The doomed chased Joes fled with the chasing Joes leaving behind a very destroyed auditorium.
"Ohhh, what a fight," Roadblock blinked as he climbed out of the rubble and carefully got to his feet. "Is everyone else alright?"
"STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!" Lady Jaye rolled by while continuing to beat up Flint.
"OW! OW! OW!" Flint whimpered.
"Besides the obvious," Roadblock groaned.
"Wow. She's still going at it," Lifeline remarked.
"You have to admire her tenacity," Alpine groaned.
"Great. There goes the repair budget for the month," Duke moaned surveying the damage. "And for the rest of the year!"
"Wow. The graphics today sure are good," Bazooka commented still in his seat. "The 3D viewing makes the action seem to happen right in front of us."
"Bazooka you're not even wearing…Never mind," Alpine groaned. "Ow! Great! Now I have a splinter in my butt!"
"The poor dressing room scene. Why couldn't I have seen the dressing room scene?" Shipwreck wept in a corner.
"I presume this is going to be the last time we'll see a show by Short Fuse and Quick Kick?" Dial Tone asked. "Not to mention the last time we'll see either of them alive?"
"It will be once Cover Girl is finished with them," Duke sighed.
"WHAT HAVE YOU LUNATICS DONE TO MY BASE NOW?" General Hawk could be heard yelling. "COVER GIRL STOP SHOOTING AT MY MEN! AT LEAST LONG ENOUGH TO SEE IF I AM GOING TO NEED A FIRING SQUAD!"
"And if she doesn't finish them, General Hawk will," Scarlett smirked.