Hello everyone... it's been quite awhile. Over my Christmas break, I discovered Bleach-and fell in love with it. I'm not done with the anime, not by a long shot, but so far I've gotten to about episode 203.
Anyways, you're probably wondering, 'what the heck is she doing, posting?! She said she would be gone forever!' For a long time, I thought so too, but then again, basically everyone's stupid when they're young (Like idek what I was doing with my life when I was in sixth grade lol) but now I'm a bit older and a bit less stupid and dramatic, unlike my younger seventh grade self who wrote my other two stories.
Looking back on them, I cringed... my writing was so bad. And I was really weird. Probably both are still currently true. Oops. Anyway. Recently I got inspired by this song. Does anyone in the U.S. watch American Idol? My family does, and I was watching Joey Cook sing Mad World, and it just really struck a chord in me. I wrote this late yesterday and early this morning, from like 9pm to 3:15am on a school day (my first day back from spring break, at that, told ya I was still stupid) but I just couldn't stop. This is what miraculously came out. It's a bit of humor, a bit of a spark :), and a lot of feelings.
It's just a one-shot, and I suppose I'm still feeling a little hesitant to come back, or start up Moon Dancers again... but regardless of what happens later, for some reason I felt like posting this tonight. Sorry in advance for any typos or mistakes. Let me know what you think.
I don't own Bleach, or Mad World. Although both are amazing.
Hope you enjoy~
When he was young, his mother had him take piano lessons. She knew he only wished to take martial arts, but Ichigo loved his mother too much to disobey anything she said. Masaki told him that he would need it at some point or another later in his life, and although he still wasn't sure about the instrument (it was a girl's pursuit, duh) Ichigo began his lessons at the age of five.
After Ichigo turned nine, Masaki died. Since he felt her death was his fault, Ichigo turned to the one thing she had most wanted him to learn - music. Hoping that continuing to learn the piano would in some small way help him feel closer to her, Ichigo threw himself into practicing.
Soon, he was a very talented pianist, a prodigy unlike any before. Ichigo showed his extraordinary ability to pick up and accomplish things through his performances, just like he would in the future with his training.
However, he quickly decided to keep his ability quiet, and eventually not even his family quite understood just how good he had become. His home was too small to hold a grand piano, and it was so cluttered it would be hard to find even enough space for an upright, so Ichigo asked the school for permission to use the music room. Although he didn't take any music related classes, the music teacher had accidentally eavesdropped on him one day during the lunch break, so he did his best to convince the school board that Ichigo's talent needed to progress.
The school board deliberated, and it was a close vote, but in the end, he was given a key.
A key to freedom.
Always, whenever his hands touched the black and white keys, Ichigo felt this incredible burning desire in his soul, a desire that could only be quenched through playing. His hands were actually quite suited for the instrument as well, having large hands and long fingers. It was as though he had been born to know the piano.
Every chance he had, even if it was only for half an hour, Ichigo escaped to his little haven in the Kamakura High School. Setting the notes free gave him a peace nothing else could, and it brought him back from the brink when he remembered his deceased mother.
Then Rukia stumbled into his bedroom for the first time, and Ichigo was swept away from his love so he could protect those in need. He knew it was a worthy cause, but…
He had always been a loner at heart. Occasionally, he had a want for human interaction, for after all, humans cannot survive for long without the company of another; but for the most part he preferred solitude and silence.
Becoming a soul reaper stripped that from him. It stripped him of his innocence, of his time with his remaining family, of his safety, his daily peace, of the quality of some of his relationships. It even endangered some of his human friends. In return, it exposed him to death, blood, and torture. Sure, he met some great people – but was it really worth it, in the end? All it did was remind him more and more of his mother's death, as he witnessed more and more horrors.
Ichigo had always been disinclined to reveal his true state of wellbeing – he figured that if he was still standing upright, and could think consciously, he was fine. But transforming into a Shinigami piled his emotions higher and higher, winding him up like a rope, until he just could not function anymore. He had to let everything out.
Ichigo ran, as hard and as fast as he could, breathing heavily as his feet pounded the concrete. He couldn't take it anymore. Ever since he had become a soul reaper, his relationship with Death had become disturbingly familiar, and everyone knows Sadness and Depression are always nearby.
He skidded through the open gates of Karakura High, not stopping, perhaps not being able to stop, until he reached his final destination. Arriving at the doors of the music room, he fumbled for his key. After quickly inserting the key into the lock, he staggered through the entrance, only to discover that his beloved piano was nowhere to be seen.
Ichigo's eyes widened, and speech was lost to him. Through all the years of pain, the piano had been his one constant in life. His rock, so to speak. And it was gone. He clutched the side of the door. How could this have happened?
He slowly gazed around the room, as if in a daze. Everything was fogging up, and he couldn't concentrate. Ichigo needed the release making music gave him. His eyes focused on a bright, colorful piece of paper stuck to the announcement bulletin board. It advertised the production of a play the drama club was performing the next day. The poster mentioned that there would be live music from the music director, who would be playing piano. The play would take place in the Karakura High School auditorium.
Ichigo felt a rush of hope. He raced out the doors of the music room, making a beeline for the auditorium. 'Please be there, please be there,' he prayed.
A melody was already forming in his mind, and his fingers began itching to touch the glossy keys of the piano. After what seemed like hours of sprinting, and endless hallways, Ichigo arrived at the auditorium.
All the lights were off, and it was oddly silent. He had never been in that room before when there was nobody else. Ichigo made his way to the light and sound effects booth, hesitating for only a moment before switching the stage lights on.
There it was. His trusty companion through all the years of pain and depression and hope and joy. It shone in a quiet brilliance in the stage lights. Ichigo's heart lifted, and he felt almost dizzying relief. One would think that such emotion upon seeing an inanimate object is slightly odd; but when it is all one has through the worst times of one's life, and it is something one has to have to survive, anyone can become so desperately attached.
Ichigo slowly climbed up the steps to the stage, trembling as he sat down. Melodies and harmonies were racing through his brain, and he could feel it at the core of his soul. Knowing the piano as well as he did, Ichigo knew he could simply touch the piano and exactly what he was thinking would come out on the instrument.
He began.
It was a haunting, soulless tune, the kind you never forget. It may be lost within the abyss of your subconscious, but would never leave you entirely. The music came to him naturally, as did everything that had to do with the piano did, and Ichigo found much comfort through even just a few notes.
Ichigo's soul reaper friends had been looking for him for quite some time now; and they were getting frustrated.
Rukia growled, "Where is that stupid idiot? Ichigo doesn't usually disappear for such a long time."
Hitsugaya shrugged, not really caring either way. It wasn't that he didn't like Ichigo or they weren't friends, but he knew Ichigo could take care of himself.
"Relax. I'm sure he just needs some alone time. He's been pretty busy as of late," he reassured Rukia.
Ikkaku, Yumichika, and Rangiku were all for finding him, though.
"I have an idea!" Rangiku exclaimed joyously. "Let's get Urahara, Yoruichi, and the others at the shop to help us! I'm sure he has some way of contacting Ichigo!"
Renji and Rukia agreed, so off they went off to Urahara's shop.
Chad, Orihime, and Uryu were waiting there for them.
"You guys, too?" Uryu asked sullenly. Orihime looked on with hope they had news.
Chad grunted, thinking of his and Ichigo's promise. 'Ichigo, you better be okay…'
The group of soul reapers nodded their heads collectively.
"We had been hoping you guys would know where he is, or perhaps Urahara or Yoruichi knew how to find him. We've been searching all day but can't find him, and it's as though he's not in town, as nobody can sense any of his spiritual pressure," Hitsugaya monotoned.
Orihime frowned in concern.
"I'll go find Urahara," she stated in reponse. "I'm sure he has some way to help us track down Ichigo."
Neither Urahara nor Yoruichi had any idea where he was, or even where he could be, but Urahara suggested they check at the Kurosaki residence to discover if Ichigo's family knew where he was.
So it was with many wide-eyed stares and suspicious mothers pulling their children out of the way that the whole group meandered through the Karakura streets to the Kurosaki residence.
Urahara proclaimed, "Rukia, since you lived with the Kurosakis for some time, and you know them best, how about you ring the doorbell and ask? We'll be right behind you." He began waving his fan at his face.
Rukia glared at him for putting her on the spot, but decided against making any objections. Once reaching the clinic, she stepped onto the front porch and looked behind her to make sure her friends were still there.
They all grinned and waved at her, or in Urahara's case waved a fan at her. Rukia glared at them suspiciously, but turned around and rang the doorbell. Immediately she felt a whoosh of air behind her, and she developed a tick mark, knowing everyone had left to eavesdrop in the shadows.
Yuzu answered the door, looking a bit surprised but happy to see Rukia. "Hello, Rukia." She greeted politely. "Is there something I can do for you? Would you like to come in?"
Rukia gave Yuzu a rare genuine smile. "Hey Yuzu. I was just wondering if you know where your brother is? I can't find him."
Yuzu contemplated this question, tapping her chin with her finger. "I'm not sure…DAD!" she yelled. Isshin appeared in a flash.
"What is it honey? Is there an enemy? Did someone make you cry? Who was it? WHO DO I NEED TO BEAT UP WITH MY ROUNDHOUSE KICKS?!" he questioned her determinedly. Isshin began demonstrating, knocking over several chairs, a table, and creating a hole in the nearby wall. Rukia sweatdropped.
At that moment, Karin walked in. Taking in the damage with a critical eye and the experienced face of a battle-worn veteran, she took a deep breath and muttered, "How can I be related to this embarrassment of a father?"
Incredibly, Isshin heard her words, and he face faulted dramatically onto the floor. "Karin…my dear daughter…she hates and is ashamed of me…" he huddled into the corner of the room with a small rain cloud forming over his head. "Masaki…why must this happen to me?" he asked of his deceased wife.
The Kuchiki clan member was highly disturbed and scarred by these events. "All I was wondering is where Ichigo could be…" she whispered timidly.
"That baka?" Karin scoffed. "He's probably off at the high school. He's such a creep, lurking around there after hours."
Rukia stiffened in surprise at actually getting a coherent answer. "Thanks, Karin." 'What on earth could he be doing there?'
"Yeah, yeah. I'll go with you to check on him." Karin responded.
"Count us in too!" Yuzu and a recovered Isshin chimed in.
"Very well," Rukia acquiesced. "Some of Ichigo's other friends have joined in the search as well, so you'll have to be alright with working with them."
The remainder of the Kurosaki family nodded, and exited the house behind the Kuchiki. The group of searchers had returned to their original positions, smiling and waving at the three.
"Hi!" they chorused. (Except Hitsugaya, he just gave a nod.)
"What creepy people has my idiot brother been hanging out with…?" Karin sweatdropped. And who could blame her? A woman with enormous amounts of cleavage showing, a bald guy, a red pineapple hair guy, a guy with feathers on the corners of his eye and eyebrow, a lady with purple hair, one with orange hair, the four-eyed dude…
"Hey, it's Toshiro!" she pronounced in excitement upon seeing his trademark silver hair and teal eyes.
Hitsugaya frowned at her blatant disrespect. "That's Captain Hitsugaya to you."
"Whatever you say, Toshiro!" Karin grinned in response.
"ALRIGHT, TROOPS! LET'S MOVE OUT AND FIND ICHIGO!" Yoruichi yelled in an effort to get things moving.
"Yes, ma'am!" everyone shouted, either having experienced the pain the woman was capable of giving and not wanting to be on the receiving end of it, or having an instinct that it was in their best interest to obey her.
Before long, they had reached the gates of the local high school.
Yoruichi had taken over the operation. "Everyone split up and try to find Ichigo! Already I can feel a trace of his spiritual pressure, although it is much more subdued than usual."
Everyone in the gathering nodded, either bolting off on their own or pairing off into sections of two or three. They searched all over the grounds of the high school, checking every nook and cranny, before deducing Ichiro wasn't outside. Then they transferred to looking around inside.
No stone was left unturned. Every single classroom was checked. The bathrooms were scoured, the roof was investigated, the basement was poked around in, even all the lockers were opened, in hopes of finding a note or some type of clue as to Ichigo's whereabouts.
Eventually each soul reaper and human came back to the main entrance of the school, except Rukia. On a whim, she had decided to check the auditorium, although it was almost certain he wouldn't be there. Ichigo would never have the patience to practice any of the arts. But it was worth a shot. As she approached, Rukia's hunch proved correct, as his spiritual pressure, while still faint, was definitely originating from the auditorium.
Ichigo's first Shinigami friend called Toshiro on his cellphone, informing him that she had found Ichigo, and to head towards the auditorium. Then she entered. People were unable to hear anything outside the auditorium, as it had two doors you needed to go through to enter, and was sound proofed with some of the best technology of the time.
So she was stunned when she came into the room, only to find Ichigo just sitting down at the piano. He looked so… haggard, and worn out, like he had just been in a horrendous battle, or still was fighting in one. He looked so hopeless, and just simply done. Done with school, done with his Shinigami duties, perhaps even done with life.
Just seeing him like this, at his worst and weakest, was enough to bring Rukia to tears, and as the others entered the auditorium noisily, she turned around and hushed them, giving them her best death glare. Each looked at her with a 'what?!' look on their face. She silently pointed to Ichigo, who was still sitting on the piano bench, seemingly overwhelmed. The soul reapers and humans were effectively shocked into silence, having always viewed him as a source of never ending power, someone who could never be defeated, or if he was, he would bounce right back and keep persevering on.
Ichigo finally began, somehow not hearing any of the loud noises his comrades had been making and seemingly unaware of their presence. Each settled down in a seat towards the back so they could observe without disturbing him.
Ichigo's fingers masterfully flew over the keys, sending a haunting song descending to his audience's ears. It was simple, but the most beautiful, most terrifying thing they had ever heard. It spoke of pain, confusion, depression, sadness, and countless other emotions. When Ichigo began to sing, his voice only magnified the strength of those feelings.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
Ichigo's voice began to rasp, as he held back his tears. Not for the first time, he wondered why he even kept doing what he was doing, why he even persisted in living.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
Here Ichigo paused. Although he had never told anyone, he had often thought of committing suicide. His existence wasn't really helping anyone, and even if his family or friends would miss him for a little while, they would soon get over it and move on with their lives. All he did was being pain to his enemies as he was fighting them, or brought worry to those he loved.
Ichigo found he couldn't hold back his tears any longer, and finally allowed them to cascade down his cheeks. Those watching him couldn't believe what they were seeing. Ichigo Kurosaki, the boy who always exceeded everyone's expectations, had finally broken.
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
And to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me, what's my lesson?
Look right through me, look right through me
Anger and frustration now coursed through him. No one seemed to care about what he was feeling. They always disregarded him as a person, and instead used him to fight their battles. But then Ichigo was pulled back into his depression as he sang softly, yet his enchanting voice resonated clearly throughout the auditorium.
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you,
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very, very
Mad world, mad world, enlarging your world, mad world
Ichigo finished his song, tapering off slowly. His tears were uncontrollable now, and he began to let out huge, gut-wrenching cries as he leaned on the piano. Overcome by his emotions, Ichigo let out a loud, painful yell that somehow conveyed what he had been trying to release.
His audience was spellbound by Ichigo's astounding music. Each felt every emotion he was trying to release, though they knew it was nothing compared to what he was actually feeling.
The ladies' hearts went out to Ichigo when he began to cry, and even more so after the song was over and he began to sob. The men of the room were stunned, each wondering the same thing: how had Ichigo gotten to this point?
Being serious for once, Isshin felt overwhelming shame at seeing Ichigo like that. 'Masaki… how have I failed so horribly? Our son is falling apart right before my eyes.' He shed a few tears himself.
Ichigo's teachers felt guilty as well. Kisuke lowered his hat over his eyes and looked down. 'Was this my fault?' He wondered. 'Did I push him too hard and too fast?' Yoruichi's thoughts and feelings were along the same lines.
His friends were deeply shaken. Rukia had wet cheeks, along with Rangiku and Orihime, as Chad silently berated himself for breaking his promise to Ichigo by not realizing how hurt be really was. Uryu tried to calculate what could have happened to his sort of friend, sort of rival that could have made him act that way. Yumichika was angry at himself for allowing such ugliness to penetrate his friend, while Renji and Ikkaku didn't really know what to say or think. It was too far beyond their emotional perception, as they were too used to just fighting without thinking. Toshiro bent his head in respect to a fallen warrior.
Yuzu and Karin, although they didn't quite know exactly what had occurred to their beloved older brother to make him that way, were determined to help him through this.
All questioned themselves as to how they could have missed something so hugely important.
Eventually Ichigo passed out while he was leaning on the piano, and though his sobbing had subsided and he was unconscious, tear tracks still stained his cheeks. His face was still saddened and lonely.
Each present – Rukia, Renji, Ikkaku, Yumichika, Rangiku, Toshiro, Urahara, Yoruichi, Chad, Orihime, Uryu, Karin, Yuzu, and Isshin – discovered that even though they thought they had Ichigo Kurosaki all puzzled out and they knew how he ticked, obviously there was more to him than it would seem at first. They all wondered collectively if anyone else they thought they knew well was like that, and how many things they had missed throughout their lives, even though it passed right under their noses.
Rukia wasn't sure if they should reveal to him that they had witnessed everything – but the first step was to get him to bed, so he could rest, and they would figure out anything else later. She got up from her seat, walked to Ichigo, and hefted him over her shoulder without a problem. Silently exiting the auditorium, everyone else followed in her footsteps, and dispersed to their respective homes.
Rukia flash stepped ahead of the rest, when she was sure Karin and Yuzu couldn't see her. Getting Ichigo upstairs, she tucked him into his bed, pulling the covers up to his chest. Catching sight of a pen and a scrap of paper, she scrawled, 'I'm sorry.'
"I'm sorry, Ichigo. I'm sorry I let you get this way. I'm sorry I didn't notice. I'm sorry you felt you couldn't come to me, and… I'm sorry I was such a horrible friend to you. I'll try harder, I promise. I think we all will." The girl declared, crying again.
The soft night breeze came in through the open window, ruffling their hair slightly. Rukia leaned over Ichigo, using the glow of the full moon to note all the worry lines and wrinkles she was pretty sure hadn't been there before he became a soul reaper. Sighing, she placed a soft, delicate kiss on his forehead.
"Get better, Ichigo." A few salty teardrops fell on his face, and with a small whisper of wind, she was gone.