I hate being in prison. The food sucks and they make you wear ugly clothes. France was the worst. I probably should have stayed longer and learned better French but their food was awful. At least in Litchfield, everyone spoke English. Or Spanish. I guess I know Spanish better than French. Either way, it isn't much fun being in prison.
I had my escape planned on the first day. All I needed do was to find the holes. There are always holes. You just have to know how to look for them. Guards changing shifts, night guards sleeping on the job, air vents, corners where the cameras can't see. It's all there if you look at it the right way. Litchfield was easier than most. Minimum security. That's a laugh. More like no security. I could have been out of there in less than a week.
That was the plan anyway. I never talk to anyone in prison. I don't really like people anyway, even if some of them are thieves. People like to talk. And touch. I don't like to talk or touch. I like to sit by myself. And watch. And think.
I was sitting by myself. The food here is much better French. I think I liked the food in Thailand more. But this was OK too. I was trying to think. Looking for holes. Everything thing in prison is on a schedule. If you know the schedule it's easier to find the holes. This girl kept looking at me. I tried not to look at her but my brain kept sending my eyes back to her. She had long black hair and black glasses. Her eyes were green, like my favorite piece of malachite, a rare, almost white-green stone set in gold. I think it came from Africa but I can't quite remember where I picked it up.
I didn't invite her but she came and sat at my table anyway. My tummy felt weird. At first I thought it was the food but then I thought it was because of the girl. I answered her questions. I tried not to look at her. Maybe if she went away, my tummy would feel better. She did go away but my tummy didn't. I decided I kind of liked the feeling. Probably not the food then.
She told me her name was Alex. Alex is a boys' name. She didn't look like a boy though. Not even close. I wondered what she looked like without her clothes. Maybe this prison wasn't so bad. Maybe I would stick around a few more days and get to know Alex. I just really wanted to see Alex without her clothes on. Late at night Alex walked by my room. Everyone was asleep. I was sitting and thinking. I was thinking about Alex. She waved at me and I waved back. It felt really good to wave at Alex.
Sometimes I sat with Alex and her friends. Sometimes I sat by myself and thought about Alex. AIex and her friends asked me lots of questions. I don't mind answering questions. Sometimes they laughed at me. Sometimes they just stared. I wondered if they were thinking about me without my clothes on. Sometimes they would try to touch me. I told Alex I didn't like to be touched. I didn't tell her that I thought about her touching me sometimes. That always made my tummy feel funny too.
I wanted to tell Alex I would let her touch me. I went to her cubicle. She was lying on her bunk with Nicky. I like Nicky. She is funny. She looks at me too. I don't mind but I don't think about Nicky touching me. Alex pushed Nicky off the bed. Good. I went back to my bunk to think about me lying in Alex' bed.
I was in my cubicle stretching. I needed to stay bendy for thief stuff. Alex was watching me. Her hair was wet from the shower. She smelled really good. I asked her to come stretch with me. It felt good to hold her hands. I was going to ask her if I could see her naked but she got done with her stretches and left. She was acting really funny. Maybe her tummy felt funny too. Maybe I will talk to her again later.
Alex talked to me whenever we had time. She asked lots of questions. Sometimes I told her the questions were silly. She laughed like I was making fun but she still asked silly questions. I told her some of my story, living in foster homes, learning to be a thief. She told me that she was a drug smuggler. I told her drugs are bad. She told me that Nicky was a heroin addict, that she felt responsible for Nicky. I thought Nicky was big enough to take care of herself but Alex still looked after her. She said that's what friends do. I told her I never had any friends so I didn't know what friends are supposed to do. She looked sad when I told her that. She promised she would be my friend. I told her I liked having her be my friend. She smiled when I told her that.
Alex talked about her boss, Kubra, how he smuggled heroin, how he recruited women to help him. She also said that she testified against him and he would probably kill her when she got out of prison. That made me sad. I told her I would never let anyone hurt my friend. She liked that I said that.
One day Alex asked me what I was going to do when I got out of prison. I thought that was a silly question. I told her I was a thief so I was going to do thief stuff. She said that she didn't know what she was going to do. She told me all she was good at was moving big shipments of drugs. I thought maybe she would make a good thief or even a fence. She thought that I was being funny. She laughed at me a lot even though I wasn't always trying to be funny.
Tonight I am sitting by myself eating. I am watching Alex with her friends. They are all laughing. Nicky turns around and looks at me then she talks to Alex. I know Alex is laughing too. I like how her hair moves when she laughs. I like how she puts her glasses on top of her head with she thinks. I am trying to think. I can't think about anything except Alex. I want to touch her hair. I want to touch her face. I don't always like to touch people. It makes me feel weird. Thinking about touching Alex doesn't feel weird. It feels like when I jump off a tall building. I stare at Alex, thinking about feelings and jumping off buildings. Nicky looks at me again. I need to leave. I get up to go but then I think about Alex. I go to her bunk instead of mine.
Alex comes later. She looks surprised. She tells me that I am a surprise. I like the idea of being someone's surprise. Alex won't look at me. I wonder if she's thinking about jumping off building feelings too. She looks at her feet and a piece of black hair falls across her face. I want to move it so I can see her. When I touch her hair, she makes a sound with her breath. I tell her that her hair is soft. She stays as still as a thief hiding in a corner. I tell her she smells good too. She finally looks at me. I want her to kiss me. She brings her hand up to my face but then she stops. She remembers about touching. "It's OK if I say it's OK" I tell her. She likes that. She kisses me. I feel even better than when I jump off the tallest building in the world.
She makes a funny noise again and I look in her beautiful white/green eyes. "Alex? Don't you want to kiss me" I ask. "Of course I want to kiss you Parker. I want to kiss you all over" she says. "You mean you want to have sex?" I ask. I really hope she says yes. "Yes Parker. I want to have sex. I want that very badly." "Good" I tell her. She puts her arms around me. The touch feels funny at first but then it feels good. Really really good. I pull her down onto the bunk with me. Finally I get to touch Alex. I think I really like touching Alex.
I drag my fingers down her side and she makes another noise. I think her noises are funny. They make me feel good too. I want to make Alex make lots of noises but she is scared. She wants to go to the chapel. That's where other people go to have sex. I don't want to go to the chapel. I don't want to let
her go. I might not get her back. And I can make quiet noises. I pull the blanket over our heads. Alex thinks it's funny. I just want to touch her where no one else can see. I kiss her and take her clothes off. Now I want to know what she tastes like too. I put my mouth on her breast and she squeaks. "Fuck Parker". "Ok." I say.
I begin to slide my tongue down her body. She makes a noise like a cat purring. I kiss the inside of her leg and she puts her hand in my hair. She's pulling me and pushing me. I know what she wants. I touch my fingers to her. She feels soft and warm and wet. She tastes exactly like I thought she would. I want to touch her and taste her all night. I want to make her feel like she's falling. Falling but never landing.
Alex makes a squeaking sound and then her whole body shakes. I smile that I can make her do that. I do it again and again until she can't breathe anymore. I crawl back up so I can see her face. She looks happy. Tired and happy. I feel happy too. I have to go now. The guards will do their count. They don't see me but they count me. I don't want them not to count me. Not yet.
"I like you Alex" I tell her. "I'm going to miss you." I told her I will be leaving soon. But not yet.
I can't sleep. I feel cold in my bunk. Alex is warm. I want Alex to hold me like she was holding Nicky. I sneak out of my cubicle and down the hall to hers. She is sleeping but there is a bit of room for me if I squish between her warm body and the wall. I like squishy places. I crawl into her bed and under her blanket. "Parker?" "Shhh Alex. I missed you". "I missed you too" she says then she puts her arms around me. It feels just like I thought it would for her to hold me. I close my eyes and fall asleep happy.
I wake early in the morning. I try not to wake Alex but she wakes up anyway. "Parker?" "Shhh" I tell her. "I like to shower before anyone else gets up. It makes me feel like I'm alone." "Do you like to be alone?" she asks? I nod. "I like to live alone. Work alone. I don't need anyone." Alex makes a worried face. "That's kind of sad Parker." "Why is it sad? I like it. I've always been alone." I tell her. "It's sad Parker because you don't ever let anyone close to you. You don't have any friends. Any family?" I shake my head. "I let you get close" I whisper. "I know Parker. And I am grateful. I like you too." That makes me feel happy "Are you coming to the shower?" I ask. "I don't feel like being alone right now."
I've been alone for a long time. I can't remember a time when I had anyone I could depend on besides my Bunny. And Archie. But even Archie didn't want to take me home. He taught me everything there is to know about being a thief but he left me alone too. I've been taking care of myself since I was a little girl. I don't need, or want, anyone. But now I want Alex. I want her to come with me, to be with me. I don't understand it, but I feel happy when I think about it.
Alex comes to the shower with me. I am happy. I finally get to see her naked. I want to know if she looks like she feels, all warm and soft. I'm not disappointed. She looks beautiful with her white skin and black hair. I want her to touch me now. Touch me all over. I stand close to her. I give her my soap and turn around. She rubs it on me. It feels good and I lean back. She's touching me now. She drops the soap and puts her hands all over me. I want her to hold me tight. I step back and she pulls me hard into her. I close my eyes. I want to remember what this feels like. I feel like I'm on the tallest building in the world. I am standing on the edge. The wind is in my hair and the shower feels like rain on my face. Alex puts her fingers in me and I jump. I am falling faster and faster. Alex falls with me. I can feel her breath in my ear, her arm around me, her fingers in me. Faster and faster, farther and farther, until Alex has
hold me up. She pushes me against the tile. The cold startles me but when she kisses me, I feel warm again.
Alex hears a noise and jumps away from me. It's Nicky. She's yelling. Alex is trying to make her be quiet. Nicky is never quiet. I rinse the soap and turn off the shower. I want Alex to look at me. I walk between her and Nicky. They both look at me but I pretend that I can't see them. I can hear them talking while I get dressed. Alex sounds happy. That makes me happy too.
I can only stay a short time now. The longer I stay, the more dangerous it will be when I leave. I try to make the guards not see me. I don't talk to people. I do my work and double check my holes. At night I go to sleep squished between Alex and her wall. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes we touch. Sometimes she just wraps her arms around me and sleeps. I feel sad that I will leave her. "I will miss you Alex" I tell her. "Where are you going?" "Out. I told you I couldn't stay here." She is sad and confused. I tell her I will say goodbye before I leave.
Today is the day. Well, tonight is. I can't stay any longer. I love being with Alex but prison is not a good place for a thief. I need to be able to move, to jump, to fly. I have my plan. There are air ducts all through the ceiling. If I stay on the supports and not the tiles, it will hold my weight. I will stop in Caputo's office and get my file. The air duct will take me outside, not into the fenced exercise yard but out front by the road. I can just walk out. I won't though. I will steal a car just to get into town. Then I can go to my home in New York. I just wish I could take Alex with me. I can't. They would miss her. And I don't think she's bendy enough to crawl through the ceiling. I should tell her to stretch more.
I go to Alex' bed one more time. I am sad and I think Alex is sad too. She is guessing that I am leaving. I want to make her happy one more time. I want to touch her and taste her. I want her to touch me too. I want to remember what she feels like. It will be a long time before I see her again. It will be even longer before I let anyone get close to me. I don't like the bad feeling in my tummy, I don't like the burning in my eyes. I don't like that my head thinks I should stay here in prison.
Alex and I stay up late. We kiss and touch. We slowly make love. We both want to remember. Alex wraps her arms around me and I fall asleep. I need a nap before my long night. Alex is talking to me. I don't understand her. I think she says she loves me. I think I say I love her too.
Alex is asleep. Its time. I hug her tight and give her one more kiss. I stand up on her bed and push the ceiling tile aside. I grab the frame and carefully swing myself up and into the hole. I slide the tile back into its place. I start to crawl and then I have a different idea. I go back and move the ceiling tile, just a bit. No one will notice but when Alex lies on her bunk she will see. She will know where I went. I don't like leaving clues behind, but I need to leave Alex a clue.
I drop like a cat onto Caputo's desk. I find my file and push it down the front of my shirt. Khaki is not a good color for sneaking around in the dark. Black is better. I wish I was wearing black. Back up in the ceiling, I follow the air vent to the front of the building. It's easy from there to sneak out the gate and find a car. By morning, I am back in Manhattan. The prison car is gone. No one followed me. No one knows I'm gone.
I watch my place for a couple of days until I am sure it is safe. Finally I am in my own home, in my own bed, hugging Bunny. I should be happy. I'm not. I'm sad. I miss Alex. I love Bunny but Bunny is not warm like Alex. I steal lots of things, watches and jewelry. I need something to do. I don't need money but I sell them anyway. I keep one necklace that I think will look good on white skin with black hair and milky green eyes. I wear it at night. It makes me think of warm kisses and showers and fingers that make me fall.
One day at a store, I see a card with a picture of a kitten. He looks so warm and fluffy. The picture makes me feel happy. I want to send it to Alex. Maybe it will make her feel happy too. I send it but I don't put my name in it. The guards read all the prisoners' mail. I don't want anyone to remember my name. I hope Alex will know.
Now wherever I go, I look for kittens for Alex. I send her two or three a week. Kitten cards are easy to find. Sometimes I mail them from New York. Sometimes I send them from places that are far away like China or France or California. Everyone likes to get mail. I imagine Alex waiting for her cards and sharing them with Nicky. I imagine she tapes them up on her wall and all the little kitten eyes watch her to make sure she's OK for me.
I learned a long time ago how to be alone. I always work alone. I always live alone. I like to be alone. But then Alex taught me that having a friend was good. And having a friend who is a lover is better. She also taught me about loneliness. I was never lonely before I met Alex. Now all I can think about is how alone I feel. I think about how Alex would be in my apartment, how good she would feel in my bed. I think about her silky black hair and her beautiful malachite eyes. I think about her husky voice and how it makes me feel good when she laughs. I need to see Alex. I need to know if she still thinks about me.
I spend a week working on the letter. I want to tell her that I haven't forgotten her, that I didn't just leave her behind. I need to know that she remembers, that she still wants me, that she's not mad that I left. I need to hold her hand and look into her eyes. I hope she understands the letter because I want to visit her.
I take the bus to Litchfield. It's easier to stay hidden among the people going to the prison to visit. I know I'm not on the list. I think about sneaking in through the air vent. I could drop into Alex' bunk and no one would ever know. Instead I decide to try to slip in with the other people, to somehow get on the list. I am prepared to cry if I have to. I don't have to. One of the counselors, Mr. Healey, he puts my name on the list. I tell him my name is Alice. Alice White. He doesn't recognize me. He says he feels sorry for Alex, she never gets visitors so he will let me, just this once. I give him a big smile. When he walks away I can hear him talking. "See. I can be a nice guy. I am a nice guy…" I shrug. Whatever. I'm going to see Alex!
I sit at a table in the back of the room. I don't look at anyone and no one looks at me. I watch Alex come to the window. She talks to Mr. Healy then puts on her glasses and squints into the room. I look at my hands on the table. I don't want to know if she doesn't want to talk to me. I don't want to know if she's mad at me. I don't want to know if she forgot about me.
Alex comes and sits at the table across from me. She puts her hands on the table too and they touch my fingertips. I feel like I got shot with a taser. My stomach flips, my heart stops, I can't breathe. "Parker…" "Alice. You have to call me Alice". "OK Alice. What are you doing here?" The silly question makes me feel better. I look up into her beautiful eyes. "I came to see you Alex."
Alex is worried that someone will recognize me. I tell her not to worry. She asks if I'm crazy. I tell her that's another silly question. I tell her I don't want to be alone any more. I ask her if she's mad at me for leaving. "I wasn't mad Alice. I was sad." I told her I was sad too. I told her that I cried. I've never told anyone I cried before. She touches her hand to mine. I pull it away. I wasn't expecting it. She looks sorry, hurt. "I don't want to be alone any more either Alice." I reach out my hand to take hers. "I want you to touch me Alex. I've never wanted any one to touch me. I like it when you touch me." I whisper. "I like it too Alice. I like it a lot."
My heart feels happy. We sit and hold hands for a long time. When the guard yells a five minute warning, I stand up but I am not sure what to do. "Come here" Alex whispers. I step toward her but I am still not good at starting a touch. She puts her fingers on my chin and lifts my head so our eyes meet. I like to keep my eyes neutral so no one can see what I am thinking. I want Alex to know what I am thinking. I want her to know that I love her, that I miss her. She pulls me into her. "You're not alone any more Parker" she whispers as our lips touch. She gives me a tight hug.
We stand and hug until a guard yells at us. I let her go. Its only six months until Alex gets out of prison. I have a lot to do before that happens. I hope I can wait that long. I watch until Alex disappears back into Litchfield Prison before I leave to go home.