Disclaimer 1: *Raises arms dramatically* "The owner of Kingdom Hearts... is Square Enix!"
Disclaimer 2: We don't really hate Kairi you know. This is as much a story expressing our frustration that she hasn't been developed as much as she could have been as it is one to just plain have fun.
A/N: This is a co-authored story by... people. We cannot reveal our names yet because we can't be bothered, therefore have a look at our writing, and then taste the doom. Then pie.
Enjoy! Con crit is welcomed. We suggest that you go to YouTube and watch the dream sequence at the beginning of KH 1, since this will make a LOT more sense that way. Maybe.
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Kairi looked up at the strange mark on the page and wondered if it would kidnap her. People had a tendency of doing that, like that time…
She shook her head wildly, forcing herself not to daydream, like that dreamy Sora was doing beside her…
She shook her head wildly, forcing herself not to daydream and getting a strong sense of déjà vu, just like that time…
It suddenly occurred to her that this was probably why she never did anything. It was always about that world she couldn't quite remember, that boy she couldn't recall – Sauron, was it? – that, erm, thingymajig from, y'know, that place?! Like that time…
Just then, a computer fell from the sky. Funny how this always happens when you have a huge Bull's-eye painted on your back. Just like that time…
Oh god this is just getting stupid now!
Onto the real story. You know, the one that actually makes sense. I'm sure Kingdom Hearts fans don't go around painting targets on Kairi's back and dropping considerably heavy objects on her… right guys?
So anyway.
Kairi was sitting in her usual spot on the Paopu tree near the shore of her home next to that dreamy Sora, who was probably going to wake up claiming that he had briefly submerged himself in darkness and found teh ultimate weapon – a glorified key! Just as he always did. Sigh. He was so dreamy.
In fact, she'd been spending so much time with him that she'd been getting similar dreams herself. Only hers generally involved pegs and dancing fruit. Fun.
As for Riku… well let's just say he was a little tired of their "awesomeness", and was actually going to school! Not like her and that dreamy Sora. After all, Sora and Kairi had better things to do.
Kairi is the Princess of Heart, enjoys being kidnapped and briefly stealing a random Keyblade that fell from the sky for like two seconds before reverting to uselesssssssness. (Not that she was useful with a Keyblade in the first place.) She is looking for a new kidnapper, nice on the eyes with an actual personality. 7-53 years of age.
But there would never be another like Axel. Sigh.
She smiled as she finished her crappy internet dating profile on her shiny pink laptop of fail, George, deciding that she might as well doze off herself.
Just then, a new Utada Hikaru song started playing. "Parody". Kairi gasped. This MUST, must mean that the story was continuing! And what with Sora's narcolepsy and Riku's descent into Emoland or whatever contrived stereotype he had decided upon recently (last week he'd been happy-go-lucky, but that was Sorraa's thing), Kairi was the only "worthy" one available.
I'm watching late night programming
With blue eyes.
No matter how many channels I flip through,
I can't shake off that glance.
Could it be…? Would she have to be the main character? Oh, yay!
And that was when trillions of Kingdom Hearts fans died a little inside.
And so begins a ridiculously confusing dream sequence. Riku pees in the sea… ye-ah – you can just tell because he's facing away from you so you can't see his expression. And then he makes Sora come into the sea and drink it saying he spilled lemonade. Pfft, dreams.
Kairi stands on the shore, not quite sure what she's supposed to be doing and if she should tell Sora he's already done the first game. And that Riku was, well, peeing in the sea and trying to trick Sora into almost drowning and having to drink it. Seriously. Messed up.
…Not that Riku is evil anymore. Not like that time… (Authoress #2 hits Authoress #1 on the head for writing that AGAIN. She doesn't even notice until she's instructed to write this.)
No matter how many times
I look into the fridge it's the same answer.
The one I'm used to hearing.
The time limit is before my very eyes
But I need more time, so
Let me be.
Sunset occurred, and Kairi remembered. Sora would emerge from the "water" any second now, so she shouted an early warning to him about drowning and its after-effects until she realised that he'd been under for hours already, having been swallowed by a giant wave at like noon.
And yet he came up fine. "Sora!" she cried, jumping up and down enthusiastically.
"Kairi!" he cried back, waving madly as if they hadn't seen each other for years, having quite forgotten his anger at Riku.
Oh no, this is a parody!
But it's my life story.
Without even waiting for me,
The clock pretends to know nothing.
I know that there are many stories
But for me, it's my life story.
I'm not imitating anyone else
and I'm going to write the continuation.
"Sora!" she screamed in reply, her voice getting louder than the song still playing in the background. So the clock is denying Utada Hikaru too? she wondered idly, still shouting back and forth with Sora. Riku was attempting to bury his head in the sand to block out their incessant routine.
It wasn't working. Never did.
On the highway going in the same direction
As everyone else.
It's just by coincidence
When suddenly there's a split in the road.
"SoraKairiSoraKairiSoKaiSooooraKiarldb!!" they shouted as one. Sora finally reached the shore, and Kairi tried to hug him, but then he went off to find Riku (as he always did) and for some reason couldn't see him as his head was buried in the sand. Sora's vision is based on… heads. Yeah. Makes sense.
Suddenly, objects began falling from the sky, including… Kairi?!
"Oh my god, I'm falling from the sky!" cried Kairi while standing on the beach.
Hurry up to the seventh floor, please:
This elevator is surprisingly small.
Since no one else is around I can breathe easy.
Set me free from this feeling.
Suddenly, strange objects (no, you haven't read this before) such as computers and random beams of light began falling from the sky, including… Kairi?!
"Oh my god, I'm falling from the sky!" cried Kairi while standing on the beach.
"I - really don't see anything," said Riku, his voice muffled.
"Oh. Well, I must not be there then," Kairi replied imperturbably.
Oh no, every thing's a parody.
But for anyone, it's a true story.
Even though you're powerless,
You pretend you don't need anything.
I know we are much the same,
But we just compete with each other.
Without putting forth much effort,
I'm going to read the continuation.
Of course, this is exactly the moment that she chose to fall on herself. Not that anyone would really choose to fall on him or herself… except perhaps me. It sounds pretty fun actually. Gooood times. Like that ti- OW! Oh my God my HEAD!!!
Kairi of course passed out. Not from herself hitting herself on her head (on herself?!) but she fainted from the shock like a big girl's blouse and somehow managed to fall into the ocean from all the way back on the shore. Fail.
"I've been having these weird dreams lately…" Kairi said, reading from a random script floating by. "Are they… rail? Redding? Loduk? Onaway?" God Sora has bad writing, she thought. And then she thought, There are nine million bicycles in Beijing, and Riku suddenly swam up beside her saying,
"That's a fact!"
Kairi stared at him for a moment, really, really confused. Was this real, or were the dancing pegs and fruit just caught up in traffic?
"Didn't you have your head in the sand?" she asked, somehow able to speak underwater.
"Didn't you have your head in the sand?" He smiled creepily.
"Is that supposed to be an innuendo?"
"Yes. Yes it is."
"You really suck at this…"
"I know something you suck at!"
"Oh, for the love of-"
"Kairi!"" Sora shouted reprovingly, suddenly there.
"What? I was going to say 'that dreamy Sora'… Nothing rude!"
"That's exactly what I was afraid of…" Sora murmured, shuddering.
"Oh, go away, both of you! This is my dream sequence! MINE!" Kairi said indignantly, and began to fall swiftly down through the ridiculously deep sea water onto the stained glass below. While swimming upwards, naturally.
Fail.
Sora and Riku saluted. "Yes, m'am!"
They turned to look at each other, unsure of what they were supposed to do now.
"Hey, Sora? I'm feeling rather gay right now. Wanna hang out?"
"Sure. Sure thing."
Oh no, this is PROBABLY also a parody
And to a stranger, definitely a fake story.
I can only wear my shoes
But I can walk like that, so it's okay.
I know that there are many stories
But for me this is a real story;
Without waiting for the continuation,
I'm going to see you.
No, that last bit does not give you permission to stalk us.
Coming up: Kairi chooses what kind of warrior she wants to be. And... dish cloths explode.
Omake time!
What happened last week, or, The Exaggerated Extent of Sora's Happy-go-lucky Attitude.
"Hi Riku! I'm happy-go-lucky! And isn't the day great? I just love the weather."
Riku checked Sora's forehead for fevourish-ness. Finding that, as usual, nothing was wrong, he said, "Um... It's storming outside."
"Yes, but the lightning is pretty!!!!" Sora cried, using an impermissible amount of exclamation marks.
"Your house just got blown away," Riku said flatly.
"Meh. It needed redecoration anyway."
"Right. So your entire living space has been destroyed, you just got struck by lightning, the storm isn't going to let up for days and-"
Sora hmmed thoughtfully. "I know! Let's go on an adventure!" He dragged Riku outside.
"Oh, for God's sake. I need a coping mechanism," Riku muttered, not even trying to escape because he knew by now it wouldn't work. Writing down my thoughts won't help, because that can easily lead to Emoness! Plus all the paper on the island just got destroyed, he mused as several flurries of paper whipped by, hitting Sora in the face.
"Tra la la!" Sora hummed, skipping merrily past the vicious cyclones, which were currently kidnapping Kairi.
Riku frowned. I don't want to do this... but I may just have to. He looked at Sora. Now that Riku couldn't be Emo, he'd need to find a different way to get through this madness.
Perhaps he should give Sora's personality a try...?
Sora abruptly stopped skipping. He turned to Riku, glaring dangerously. "Don't. Even. Think. About. It. Mister."
"But-"
"It's copyrighted."
"When in the hell?!"
And that's exactly what happened.