A/N: This is set I reckon late February, early March, doesn't really make a difference. Please tell me what you think – I'm not sure how long this is going to be.

Chapter 1

Brendan POV

As I roam around the village, in the middle of the night I let my thoughts drift. It was the only time I could get some thinking space what with Cheryl being at university and me having to do all her shifts.

It was freezing and I was sure by the end of the night I'd have a cold or something along those lines.

I wasn't going anywhere in particular but I ended up sitting on a bench, it was the same bench I sat on when I was supposed to be coming out to my son, Deccy and ended up feeding him this line about beating up those weaker than you – but never a woman.

I wish I never said those things to him, Deccy that is, I shouldn't have upset him and I shouldn't have sent him away... but that's what I do isn't it, keep those closest to me at arm's length.

Declan and Paraic, they were better off without me, I couldn't let them become as messed up as I am, broken, bitter, violent, psychopath who has nothing better to do than destroy every last bit of happiness out of everyone else's life so they could all be as miserable as me.

I wish I wasn't like this, that I could've had the childhood that Cheryl had, simple, easy, though look how she turned out... I joke of course. But Cheryl, I admire her, she's a very determined woman, and once she's made up her mind there was no changing it. Also she'd always been able to see the best in people, never judging and forgives way too easily – why do you think she still puts up with me?

But me, I'm a complete opposite of Cheryl. I don't trust people because I know they'll let me down, eventually. I don't go to bars to have a laugh on the dance-floor with all my mates. And most importantly I never let my guard down for a second, because I tried that and look where that got me – sat on a bench, all alone, fucking any random guy that I meet.

This was his fault, he did this to me.

Stephen.

I should have ended whatever it was we had after the first time we slept together, I knew, right from the beginning that he was going to be different, I knew that I felt something for him but I never knew it would ever get this bad.

I put my head in my hands in annoyance before standing up again – again with no destination in mind and just let my feet lead the way.

It's the first time in months I've had any time to myself.

Once I got foxy locked up for murder I thought that everything would be easier, and it is in a way, much less complicated but now I've got Ash breathing down my neck, asking about my past, I've got Stephen asking me how I was in prison and I still need to protect Cheryl from getting involved with these students.

I'm telling you everyone needs to back off and let me just handle things by myself, it's what I've always done, ever since I was a kid and I had to take a beating to prove I was man enough to my Da, while my Ma would be too scared to do anything.

Right now would be a good time to think back to the easy, good times I had, but with every good memory there's a bad one to go with it.

Pete, he was my best mate when I was a teenager and I've had plenty of good memories with him but all that comes to mind every time I think of him is the camping trip, the one that changed his and my life, the overwhelming guilt every time I see him, knowing that it was all my fault that he's in that chair.

Eileen – I cheated on her, with her own nephew. She was never meant to find out but I suppose I have myself to blame – not that I thought that at the time. I knew that if I was found out it'd rip our family apart, but I (foolishly) took the risk and now I hardly ever see my kids.

Though I guess that's my fault – again.

The best time of my life was when Eileen gave birth to Declan and I held him in my arms for the very first time. He was so small and it brought tears to my eyes just thinking 'this is my son'.

I sigh as I'd somehow found my way to a nearby lake, just out of the village. I sit down on the bridge and think to myself, "I really need some whiskey in me to be thinking like this." Except I'm in too much of state to go into a shop and buy some or go to the club – besides it's not even closed yet.

My mind starts to drift away again as I look into the distance, at the water just below my feet.

Then there was Stephen, the boy, no, the man that changed everything. He started to change my beliefs; he made me crazy with desire and affection, made me have... feelings for him, feelings that before I met him were out of the question. Still are – kind of.

I have never felt... like that... about anyone else, this whole thing, it's new to me and before it's even started I'm sick of it. He makes me do things that I would never have done if it was anyone else.

I've killed for him, to protect him; I went on a date in public at a gay bar (didn't end great but I still did it), I'd do anything to protect him, but I'm normally the one that's hurting him...

I'm not proud of what I did to the boy, the complete opposite actually but I did it in moments of anger, I never think about it, it just happens, he just pushes it to far sometimes and I snap, he doesn't deserve it though.

Though despite all the dark times that we've had (and there's been a lot), I've never been happier than when I was with him, his head on my chest, sweaty, panting after a thorough sex session. Now that I think about the only good times we've actually had were in bed, though it didn't feel like it was just casual sex, there was something deeper than that.

We still have that connection and I know it, even if we haven't spoken to each other in around a month and the last time we were together was the beginning of August.

We've been playing this 'I love you, I hate you' game since 2010 and quite frankly I'm getting bored of it. Would it really be so bad if I went over to his house right now and tell him that I'll do whatever it takes to get him back?

Haha... maybe I'm high or something because there is no way that I'd ever do that.

Sorry...

I feel too vulnerable right now, I may keep a brave face, or whatever but the truth is ever since I got out of prison I changed, I don't know how, but I defiantly did, there's no doubt in that. Except now, I have no idea how to feel, about anything, anyone.

What is wrong with me? I'm Brendan fucking Brady and I'm losing control of my life. Everything was perfect – well, not perfect but at least I had some sort of aim in life, meaning. Now I'm hopeless, pitiful even.

I stand up again and rub my tired eyes before going home. I can't deal with this, I can't deal with everything going wrong all the time and I can't deal with trusting someone and then getting it all thrown back in my face.

Sometimes I wish I had died in that car crash all those years ago. It would've been a hell of a lot less complicated and I wouldn't have to live in this mess called life.

I let myself into the flat and am greeted with Cheryl sitting on the sofa practically covered in paperwork and textbooks; she looks exhausted.

I wipe my eyes feeling like an idiot but luckily Cheryl didn't notice.

"Hiya love," She yawned getting off the sofa and letting me pass. "Eileen called today, you should probably call back in the morning, she sounded hacked off with you."

"Great." I mumble taking off my shoes and hanging up my jacket.

"Bren, is something wrong?" She asks walking upstairs with me.

"What? Oh, yeah, just er, long night. Night, Sis." I sigh and kiss her cheek before going into my room and shutting my door; closing myself off from the rest of the world.