A/N: Hey guys, what's up? I'm starting a new (hopefully) long-running fan fiction that takes place in the Mario universe. This time, it's a series of one-shots depicting all the ways and reasons Mario's universe is not logical. Expect it to update more frequently than SMB:TNC.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mario or anything from his universe; Nintendo does.

Without further ado, let us begin...

Having just cleared another level, Mario took a breather before pressing on. He knew Princess Peach depended on him to stop Bowser and save the Mushroom Kingdom.

Oh great, he thought. Another athletic level. He hated them, especially since they kept him on his toes pretty much the whole time. Many of them had moving platforms and Paratroopas. Fortunately, this was not one of them.

No, this level had several mushroom platforms, and enemies crawling on them to boot.

Oh no! He realized he had forgotten to bring a reserve item with him! He would have to be extra careful - World 7 was known to be unforgiving.

He started in the direction he knew the next flagpole was in. He saw a gap ahead and jumped down to the next platform. However, he didn't see the Koopa in front of him.

A strange sense of pan flowed through him as he plunged through the ground he was standing on en route to the Underwhere.

"Pause the video," Mario instructed. "Hello, and welcome to our first installment of Logical Mario. I'm here with my brother Luigi, and we're here to demonstrate all the reasons our world is illogical compared to the Real World."

"That's right, said Luigi. "So what exactly are we seeing in this video?"

"That instant death is possible just by touching turtles and other enemies," replied Mario.

Luigi held back a snicker. "When you put it like that, Mario, you sound downright pathetic."

Mario looked around. "Do I sense a pot calling the kettle black?"

"Uh, yeah, heheh, now that you mention it..."

Becoming serious in, Luigi continued. "Why is it possible to feel pain just by touching the skin of an organic lifeform like a Goomba? How come you don't die when touching people like Goombario or Koopa the Quick?"

Mario shrugged. "I guess they don't possess this all-powerful instant death skin."

"And yet the top sides of most enemies can be jumped on painlessly."

"True. So what happens if an enemy touches other living things?"

"Yikes... so that's why we see dead grass, flowers, and even trees when we fight Goombas."

"Not always."

"True."

Then Luigi had another thought. "What if enemies touch each other?"

"They usually turn around, but yeah, that thought is unsettling. Imagine the smell of rotting Goombas coming from Bowser's Castle then!"

"It kinda already does..." Luigi shuddered.

"Eh... It's more so the smell of Bowser's plots coming to fruitition."

"I guess so, said Luigi. "Wait, isn't there more to the video?"

"The part where I return from the dead with the help of multiple lives? We'll save that for another time. Thank you for joining us. Come back soon!"