Author's Note: I do not own Homestuck. Thank you, Sally Ride (because she is a lady out of this world), for helping me write this. (More like thanks for writing the entire thing.)

Author's Note: OMG There is so much stupidity in the world Can you believe dat my teacher refused to give me an A on my essays. I did such a good job It is the same quality work as the one below. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I hate school and preps and ppl who don't agree with anyone and anyone who doesn't agree with my Dirk head canon or this story. He's not OCC; you are. Fuq you all. Screw all of you with actual nails. You will lose so muh weight. You will toalally lose weight. I did. I am 3000 lbs underwear. I float. Gravity has snothign against me. I am a god among plebeians. You are all under me. Literally becomes me because I can float and you can only stand. Hahahhahahahahahhaahhahahahgaga.

My boyfriend doesn't believe any of this because he is a peasant. What does he know? I'm a whole grade above him. He is eleven, and I am eleven and a half. Thank you very not much, you stupid prepz. I'm gonna break up with him because he has already ruined my life and shattered my dreams of being a professional fanfik writer. I am soooooo done with love and bois. Boys arrest stupid poopy heads, and they can go suck ma dik. It's huuuge.

Surprise, I'm a man who connects to Dirk as a person and a character. I also have an annoying boyfriend, live alone, and enjoy robots. I also enjoy the art of swording in my sprare time as well as parkouring though the city whenever I feel like it. I also have glasses shaped like triangles and wear them regularly even into banks and schools, both of which I have banned from. It is a true tragedy, not as this tragedy will be though. What is this tragedy? I don't know.

This week, we interviewed the infamous Dirk Strider from the equally infamous webcomic, Homestuck. It's a little-known fact that he used to be rather large, much like Vriska Serket, but he's decided to give us his top ten tips to lose weight in this exclusive interview.

Me: It's so good to have you. How are you?

Dirk Strider: It's good to be here. High af.

Me: So, what should you eat if you're looking to loose a few pounds?

Strider: Nah, bruh. You gotta eat away your whole body mass, be a void and all that shit. (AN: I did this and it worked so well I can float) And the only way you can do this if you eat fresh off the vine pinecones. Not only are they fat-suckign, they better than any other food, even pizza topped with orange juice. That shit is for cheat days. But why would ya cheat on those delish pcs.

Me: Alrighty then. I'm kind of scared to ask, but what type of exercises should you do?

Strider: Ya gotta weep away your problems, bro.

Me: What causes such tears?

Strider: Knowing that I'm fat, ugly, and that no one needs or wants me. It was tough time, made even worse by the biggest dick in the universe. (AN: Second only to my massive dong.) It was too much for me.

Me: Do I wanna know?

Strider: It doesn't matter - I'm going to tell you anyway. There's this douchebag whose the exact copy of me that I made to entertain myself. It's terrible. All it did was mock my body. And it ate everything that I couldn't, did everything I couldn't do like read and pick up wires. Hal did nothing but mock me and my life as a fat person. I'd never felt ashamed of my body before he came along. What a douche. He called me Lard and Large and sometimes Large Lard. It was terrible. It's like when someone calls you fat and means it as an insult because some ppl mean it as like brother. Yo what up look at phatty over there. Hal was the living breathing symbol of my incompetence even though he was weird robot thing with an off button, and I wanted to-

Me: Moving on... What else do you do?

Strider: Stress the fuq out and eat dat everything.

Me:... What causes this, uh, stress?

Strider: Sometimes, I log onto that Chum site and talk to this beautiful man, Jake English. His last name is rather unfortunate but it's okay - he's attractive. We'll just change to my last name when I force him to marry me. (AN: Btw, this will get you arrested. It happened to my friend, not me, especially if it's a minor. This is what happened to my grandma, not me. I'm not a pedophile but that is a rumor. I'd like to clear that up right now.) We have a difference of opinion. I call him my boyfriend, but he insists we're not together. It's a pain because he never wants to talk to me. He's called the cops before too but it might have because of the broken ankle incident. I accidentally broke his ankle with a sword. It was once, and he's never forgiven.

Me: Lovely. Anyone else you talked to during your weight loss?

Strider: My friend will all the hax. I asked her several times to hack my body to lose weight, but she said it wasn't possible so I "hacked" HER with a sword. LOL. #yolobitchshouldahelpedapalout

Me: So that was the girl I saw in the obituary... Anyway -

Strider: My day's been pretty good. Thanks for asking. I managed to perfect the art of ninjutsu swords. Coolio I know. But Jake didn't think so. He ran away again. He called me crazy and throw me into a home like an old person. I'm not that old. So what if my alternate self was thirty? I'm MUCH younger. I'm young to date a Jake. The police aren't as understanding as you.

Me: Sir, please keep that to yourself. Are there any other exercises you liked?

Strider: Evercising is for losers like yourself. Real men draw porn.

Me: Any other tips you have for us?

Strider: Treat yo'self like a god. You are the ultimate - not as ultimate as me but pretty ultimate - and you deserve pinecones and porn and not Jake, but someone. If you dare look at Jake, you will dead not because I'm overprotective because you are dumb enough to approach at him and gaze upon his beauty. Therefore, you will die of stupidity. God has done his work. (AN: LOL I mean Satan I worship him because I am so goffik)

Me: It's time to wrap up. Any last words?

Strider: You gotta work that body. Not exercise it, work it. Sword people, sword through the air, and sword through yourself. Find yourself before you find a sword. It's dangerous to go in unprepared. Like when you apply for a job and you don't tell you rock that sword like Jake rocks that booty. A lot. You also gotta work those parkour skillz. It's good for those flutes and those glotes. Work it, work it, work it, work it. WORK IT!2lkajflajflajlfajofhalfhahfiy3olqhp;FHAFH;AFH

Dirk Strider had to be escorted out to the local mental health facility. Nevertheless, his tips are certainly top something, and I'm sure they will help many. Kill a few brain cells but helpful somehow, not really, like not at all.

Author's Note: You thought this was a joke? It's not.

Real Author's Note: If you made it all the way through this story, then thanks for sticking with it! All of it was meant to be a joke and not to offend anyone. Most mistakes were intentional. Thanks for reading! :)