Never Anticipated
Paul didn't expect to lose him. They'd been friends for twelve years and suddenly, Straal was gone. He couldn't face it. Not until Hugh forced him to deal with what happened. Added scene to "Context is For Kings".
By Emiliana Keladry
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. If I did, there would be more Culmets in the show because... yes.
He should've heard from Straal by now. That displacement was massive. He wouldn't admit it to Straal, but he was worried about him and how fast he was making progress, without any evidence of a different technique than his.
Lieutenant Paul Stamets attempted to focus on the data in front of him, not listening to Cadet Tilly as she spoke quickly. He acknowledged her response and she returned to her station, next to Michael Burnham, the mutineer. He fought to keep from rolling his eyes. He'd argued about it with Hugh that morning. After a measly two hours of sleep, Paul had gone back to work, still exhausted and not even taking time for breakfast. Hugh was less than pleased and he'd clearly voiced his opinion about Paul's lack of concern for himself and allowing Lorca to push him too much. Yes, Captain Lorca was pushing him harder. Paul was fighting to stay ahead, but he wasn't a soldier and he wasn't going to let his project be ruined by Lorca and the war.
The doors to Engineering opened, admitting Lorca and Saru. Great.
Lorca started talking before the door closed behind him. "Within the last hour, while performing Black Alert maneuvers, there was an… incident with our sister ship, the U.S.S. Glenn. The entire crew was lost."
It felt like someone punched Paul in the stomach and he repeated the words in his head. The entire crew was lost? What? No. A sense of false calm descended on him. He spoke, but it didn't sound like he was talking. "What happened? Was it a b-bloom failure?" He stuttered. Why did he stutter? Straal couldn't be gone.
"Sending a boarding party to find out. Lieutenant Stamets, you'll accompany Commander Landry and insure that everything related to the project returns to this ship."
No. He didn't – he couldn't. He didn't want to see. Were there bodies scattered around the ship? What had killed him? Paul swallowed, finding his throat tight. "Why not just transport what we need from the Glenn over to us?"
"The room holding the equipment is shielded," Saru answered.
"Shielded?" What the hell had Straal been doing and why didn't he tell him? "That's curious." Curious. That definitely wasn't the word for what he wanted to know.
"Indeed." Sara answered, but Lorca quickly spoke over him.
"Let's not indulge that curiosity when downed by Klingon territory. Let's get in and get out." Lorca was always all business. He didn't show any remorse for the men and women who'd died on the Glenn. He just wanted to keep the technology out of enemy hands. Yes, that was important, but Straal was dead. He deserved honor in his death.
"Really?" Paul interrupted, letting some of the emotion seep into his voice. "We're running drills near Klingon space?" It wasn't the time, but he couldn't stop himself. His oldest friend was dead.
"We are at war, Lieutenant. I'd appreciate a day going by without me having to remind you of that."
Paul bit back his response. This war had just cost him a close friend and his colleagues. "Well, Captain I will need to take a team with me. You know, for the cumbersome annoying science part."
"Pick a team. Do it quickly. Take Burnham with you." Lorca started to turn toward the door.
"Sir!" Paul called out. "It's one thing to make her a data cruncher in my lab, but to integrate her into this project at such a deep level –"
Lorca whipped back around. "I understand that you lost a friend today. This is not a democracy. You understand?"
This also wasn't a science vessel anymore and it wasn't his spore drive. Starfleet controlled it. They'd split him and Straal up and now, Straal was dead. The war had taken everything from him. "Yes sir," he hissed. Paul fought to keep his emotions in check.
Lorca asked Saru about Burnham's performance on the Shenzhou, but Paul wasn't listening. Saru's voice droned on. Paul had to tell Hugh. Hugh had known Straal for a while, but they weren't as close as he was with Straal. Paul and Straal had been roommates at the Academy and shared everything together, even one drunken night where Paul saw Straal naked and he definitely didn't want to since they were just friends. He'd been there for everything. He encouraged Paul to go out with Hugh and listened to his insecurities about being with him. Straal always said he deserved a man who understood him and who could think he was cute even when he was cross. Hugh would understand what a loss this was to their project… and to him. Paul kept his face straight as Lorca made a comment about his strength as an officer before leaving. He didn't care if Burnham was the smartest officer Saru knew. Saru didn't know him as well as he knew Straal.
No one spoke at first.
"Lieutenant." Cadet Tilly's voice was soft and full of compassion. He'd seen the panicked look on her face when Lorca gave them the news. She knew they were close.
"Not right now," Paul spoke harshly. "Suit up and meet me in the Shuttle Bay in ten minutes."
Neither, Burnham or Tilly moved.
"Go," Paul ordered. He didn't raise his voice. He didn't have to. Both of them quickly left him alone in the room.
They both exited Engineering without a word. Paul rested his hands against his console, feeling the pressure building behind his eyes. He rubbed his forehead. The headache was slight, but it would get worse if he didn't get some sleep or a cup of coffee. Paul cleared his throat, trying to remove the lump that had formed. He didn't have the time to grieve right now. With his free hand, he sent a call to Hugh. It took a moment for Hugh to answer. The surroundings weren't the Medbay. Hugh must've been in the Intensive Care Unit, which appeared empty. It gave them a moment of privacy.
"Hey hun. Did you want to get something to eat or some coffee in your case? I have time in about an hour. I won't make you talk about this morning. We're both overstressed right now." Hugh set down whatever was in his hand and finally looked at Paul as he continued to rub his forehead. "What's wrong?" he immediately asked, changing his tone of voice. "Paul?"
Paul couldn't answer. He sucked in a breath and stood up straight. He shook his head, but still didn't say anything.
"Paul, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" Hugh repeated.
He wanted to explain, but he didn't have any answers. Paul wanted to tell him and to collapse into Hugh's arms, but he didn't have the time. "Straal's dead. There was an incident. I don't know. I'm headed to the Glenn now. But I thought you should know, before someone else told you."
Hugh's gaze softened. "Oh, Paul. I'm so sorry. Do you need anything?"
"No." He answered too quickly. Damn it. Hugh would worry even more now. All thoughts of their disagreement that morning were gone. It didn't matter. "I have to know what happened. I can't let it happen to anyone else. No one else is gonna die because of what I did."
Before Hugh could answer, Paul closed the transmission. No. He didn't want to be comforted. Paul needed to be angry, angry enough to keep himself together and find out what happened to Straal. He slammed his hand down on the console, immediately feeling the pain reverberate back up his arm.
"Damn it!" he shouted. "Damn it."
Paul straightened his uniform and grabbed the equipment he'd need to take on the boarding party. He changed into the appropriate gear and headed straight to the Shuttle Bay. Tilly and Burnham were already there, waiting for him with Commander Landry.
"Ready to go, Lieutenant?" the Chief of Security asked.
"Yes. Let's get this over with," he snapped. Paul didn't care about manners or how people perceived him right now. He needed to be done with this nightmare.
No one said anything as they boarded the shuttle. The pilot finished getting ready. Captain Lorca hailed them to ask if they were ready to depart. Paul bit his lip and kept a straight face. He wasn't going to answer. After a long minute, Lorca repeated himself. Commander Landry answered quickly, stating that they were ready. Captain Lorca said something else to her, but Paul didn't hear it. His stomach felt like it was in knots. He was grateful he hadn't eaten much as his stomach rolled.
The trip was silent. Tilly babbled nervously to Burnham about her first mission. Paul ignored them. His communicator made a soft noise. Paul knew who it was from. He discreetly opened it and saw the text message from Hugh. I love you. Be safe. We'll talk when you come home. Paul let out the breath he'd been holding. Hugh didn't seem to be angry with him. He hung his head a little, trying to remember every word of the last conversation he had with Straal. What could've killed them?
"Disco One, maintain course and speed," came faintly in the background.
"We're dropping out of warp," the pilot said, breaking up Paul's thoughts. "Approaching the Glenn."
"Disco One, confirm visual acquisition."
Paul stared out the view screen as the Glenn came into view. It was adrift, but it didn't look that bad. There was some deep spiral etching in the ship, but it was still in one piece. He didn't see any bodies floating in the space nearby. Don't think about it. It's just a mission. Paul tried to convince himself.
"You see the etchings on the hull." He glanced back at Tilly. They might as well make this a learning experience for the eager cadet. "That's evidence of catastrophic basidiosac rupture."
"Basidiosac? That's an unfamiliar term," Burnham stated.
Paul turned to look at her. He wanted to scream at her to shut her mouth. She had no business on this mission. "You're out of your depth here, non-Vulcan number cruncher. Seen and not heard please." He tacked the please on, hoping she'd just leave it alone. He didn't want to talk about his and Straal's research right now.
Apparently, the "please" didn't appeal to her emotions, not that she probably had a lot, growing up with Vulcans. "Basidia, refers to spore producing structures. The numbers I've been analyzing have been consistent with organic structures. You mentioned the term 'bloom' that typically refers to biological –"
Seriously? "Are you trying to show everyone how smart you are?" They were looking at the end of hundreds of lives and she was trying to prove herself?
"I'm trying to get up to speed so that I can help with this mission. In what is our problem based, biology or physics?"
"Are you really so naïve as to see them as different?" Paul tried to keep his voice level, but it wasn't working. She was getting him worked up.
"Sir?"
Fine. He'd have to explain. Using his hands, Paul spoke. "At the quantum level, there's no difference between biology and physics. No difference at all. And you talk about spores? What are they? They are the progenitors of panspermia. They are the building blocks of energy across the universe. Physics and biology, no. Physics as biology."
"Alright." Her tone changed. Maybe she was realizing she didn't know everything.
"I became an astromycologist because of awe, awe of the miracle of life. I met Straal and we formed a partnership. We would get to the veins and muscles that hold our galaxies together. We would find truth. We were happy in our lab. Then your war started and Starfleet co-opted our research. They split us up." Paul and Straal had been pissed when Starfleet ordered them to split. They needed faster progress. Straal went as far as saying that things might not end well with a war driving their research. It might destroy everything they'd worked so hard for. Turned out, he was right. "They put us in charge of two different teams so we could work twice as fast. Not for truth or to further Starfleet's mission statement of diplomacy and exploration. But for war." He couldn't help but speak fast and louder. She had to understand. "And now my friend and his colleagues are dead because of our research and I have to live with that, but if you think that I'm okay handing my life's work over to that war monger Lorca, you're wrong." Paul could feel his heart racing.
"Lieutenant Stamets, I sincerely have no idea what research you're involved in. I never even intended to be here." An honest answer. Burnham was a convicted mutineer. She should've been behind bars and not on Discovery. It didn't change the situation.
Paul fought to stay calm. "Well, if Lorca wants you to be here, I'm afraid your intentions are less than moot."
Burnham's eyes trailed to the Glenn as they approached the ship. Paul turned around in his chair as the pilot received the override command to enter the Shuttle Bay. Commander Landry ordered the pilot to stay with the shuttle and for the security brute to follow them. Paul moved to walk behind her.
The ship felt cold and dark, lifeless. Paul walked with his flashlight, shining it on the walls of the corridor, looking for evidence of what happened to the Glenn. Commander Landry made a comment about the power relays, asking if it was normal. Nothing had been normal since the start of the war.
"Nothing's normal after an accident like this." They didn't even know what caused the accident. Paul didn't elaborate as they turned down the next corridor.
He smelt it before he saw it. A pungent aroma filled the air and Paul knew what it had to be. There was something ahead of them. Paul felt his stomach tighten as he realized it was body, the body of a Starfleet officer who'd been torn apart and was no longer recognizable, dead. They all froze as they looked at it. Tilly muttered under her breath and the security brute gagged once before turning away and regaining his professionalism. Burnham knelt by the body with a look of horror on her expressionless non-Vulcan face.
"I never anticipated injuries like this." He swallowed the bile rising in his throat and looked at Tilly. "Cadet, scan to determine if helical trauma to the body is related to the spiral markings on the ship's hull." Paul knew the answer before her scanner started chirping.
"There's correlation –" she began.
No. Paul didn't want to hear it. "Engineering is this way," he interrupted softly. He walked around the body, trying to breathe through his nose. There was a sound behind him, but he ignored it. All of his thoughts focused on Straal and Engineering. If there was something wrong with the drive, there was a possibility that everyone on Discovery could end up the same way, as a mangled body. Hugh included. Paul couldn't let that happen.
More disfigured bodies lay in their path. Paul tried not to look at them, but he couldn't look away. They were innocent men and women, dead because of their research. He couldn't save them. A flash lit up the area as a console sparked and the ship creaked. His heart pounded in his ears. They shouldn't be here.
Paul's gaze went the floor in front of them. A Klingon weapon. "Look."
"Klingons," Commander Landry finished.
"Could this mean they know about the device?" Tilly asked. Paul could hear the tremble in her voice. She was scared and she had the right to be.
"If they do, it's all over." The war would be over and their lives would be too.
Paul continued toward Engineering. Their eyes were assaulted with flashes of the lights from the malfunctioning power relays. The sound of a door opening and closing was close. Paul kept his flashlight moving as they approached the lift. It was stuck in a loop, not closing, but unable to stay open as sparks went off around it. Between the creaking metal and shifted doors of the lift, lay the object keeping it in motion. Part of a leg, still clad in the boot, and in a pool of crimson blood, lay between the doors. He felt faint. Paul looked around and saw the bodies of several Klingons, coated in blood.
"Why aren't their bodies braided up?" Landry asked, shining her light on one of them.
"Because they didn't die in the initial accident. They probably boarded after spying a crippled Federation ship with no life signs. They beamed on to steal our tech." Obviously, they got more than they bargained for and something else was on the ship.
"What the hell could do this to a dozen fully armed Klingons?" Burnham whispered.
Paul flashed his light at the nearest sparking hull. He almost dropped his flashlight. Something had torn through the hull and not an explosion or a manipulation of the ship. "Over here. This hull is double reinforced. What could tear through this metal?"
Paul fought to stay calm as the door closed behind him, sealing them in Engineering. The deadly creature yelled from the corridor. What the hell was that thing? He didn't have the mental capacity to think about it at the moment. He quickly ordered Burnham to download the ship's logs and Tilly to download the telemetry and check the spore containment status. There had to be answers here to what happened. Paul had something important to do. He slowly walked over the main Engineering station and his heart sank. He'd hoped not everyone was dead, but they were.
He was where he expected him to be. Straal would've been at the main console, controlling the spores and navigating the drive. Paul knelt down as he looked up on the distorted sight that was once his best friend.
"Oh god," he gasped, fighting back his emotions. There was little left of the man he once knew. His face has been braided into the rest of his upper body, but it was Straal. He knew those eyes. Straal's spine protruded from his back and he lay in an impossible position. Paul hoped it was quick and he didn't suffer. "I'm sorry, my friend."
Paul wanted to touch him, to give him some comfort in death, but he couldn't. A loud sound drew his attention and he quickly stood up. The creature was trying to force its way into Engineering.
"Log data's corrupted," Burnham said over the noise.
Damn it.
"Sir, there's some sort of navigation hack over here," Tilly reported.
Paul stepped over to her and looked at the strange device. He had no idea what its purpose was.
"Get what you're getting please," Landry stated as the creature growled outside.
"This is coming with us. Help me get it off," Paul said, focusing on the task at hand and not on Straal. There was no time to mourn.
Paul started to remove the device as Tilly paced, stepping away and looking at something else. He glanced over at her as the device came loose from the console.
"There's some kind of device in the reaction cube." Tilly's voice was thick with fear.
"Well, we'll take it with us." Paul raised his hand to calm her a little, but it didn't do anything to stop his fear. The creature banged into the wall again. At the moment, fear was reasonable.
Tilly helped load up both items to carry them back to the shuttle. They were heavy and bulky, but neither of them complained. The creature banged on the reinforced wall as it bent into the room. It wasn't going to hold much longer.
Paul adjusted his grip on the container. "Can we go now?" Lingering in the same room as his deceased friend wasn't Paul's idea of a good time. He needed to leave before he broke down or before he was killed by a murderous beast. He had to be safe, for Hugh.
Landry melted open the door as Burnham went to distract the creature to give them time to run. Maybe she wasn't all bad, but she wasn't good either. She was dangerous. Commander Landry wouldn't let her have a phaser. Paul took a second, but threw his phaser to her. Maybe she could save them. He held onto the deck railing as he tried to ground himself. As each minute passed, it was getting hard to stay calm.
"We're through! Move move move!"
Paul glanced back once at Straal as he lay there. There was nothing they could do. There was no time for a proper burial. His once energetic body and mind lay bare on the floor, exposed and damaged, for all to see and without a chance of scraping up his humanity to honor his life. Paul forced a single smile on his face as he looked back. Goodbye, Straal. Commander Landry pushed him through the doorway, seemingly unaware of his grief, but to save them from the monster.
Once they were back in the shuttle, sweaty and tired, Paul took a moment to close his eyes and send out a silent prayer to whatever god out there, to tell Straal he missed him. The pilot startled him. Paul opened his eyes, pretending he felt nothing. It was easier.
"Burnham, we're in the shuttle. What is your location?" Paul hailed. They needed to get out of there now.
She gave them her location and requested them to open the top hatch. Paul guessed what she was doing and followed her instructions. She dropped into the shuttle a moment later and the pilot took off. They were leaving the Glenn behind. There was nothing else they could do for the unfortunate crew of the doomed vessel. Paul dropped his head into his hands. He couldn't look back at the ship. No. He couldn't break down here. He lifted his head and tightened his expression as he looked at his PADD, trying to see if any of the data they'd downloaded wasn't corrupt.
Paul stared at the screen, trying to interpret the data from the Glenn as he also tried to integrate the tech they'd taken. It wasn't working. Something was missing, but he couldn't figure it out. Tilly had already turned in for the day, leaving Paul alone in Engineering. He ran his hand over his face. It took a moment to realize the light on the comm was flashing as Hugh's voice spoke.
"Culber to Stamets." Silence. "Hugh to Paul." More silence. "Paul, please answer me."
It took him a minute to realize that Hugh had changed his call because Paul wasn't answering. He needed to respond to make him stop. He said something, but no words came out of his mouth. Paul cleared his throat and tried again. "Yes, Hugh. I'm here."
"Paul, do you know what time it is?" Hugh's voice was gentle, but Paul could hear the concern.
"No. I don't know." Honesty, it was what brought them together and kept them together. Paul ran a hand across his forehead, fully accepting that he was exhausted and his head pounded. The room spun slightly. He couldn't remember the last time he ate or sat down. "I just need a little more time."
Hugh didn't answer at first. "You need to come home and rest. Please."
"Fine."
Paul closed the line and turned off his station. He could finish tomorrow and then he could message Straal about his progress – wait. No. He couldn't message Straal. Never again. Paul started walking to his and Hugh's quarters. Straal promised to finally update him on what was going on with everything on the Glenn, the gossip and their drive, but now he wouldn't get that chance. He was… dead, braided into a thing that wasn't human anymore; it didn't look like his best friend. He'd been able to see every part of his spine, broken through the skin. He'd stepped in Straal's blood with his shoes. Paul put his hand on the scanner, opening the door to his quarters.
Hugh sat on the couch, dressed his pajamas and reading a paperback book. Paul loved how old-fashioned Hugh was. He loved to read real books. Hugh looked up as the sound of the door and set the book on the coffee table. "Hey hun, how're you doing?"
Paul felt his heart racing and his chest felt tight. The room seemed to spin a little and it was getting harder to breathe. He didn't say anything.
"I brought you some food if you feel up to eating. You missed a few meals today."
All he could see was Straal's body, twisted up and bleeding. In his mind, he heard Straal call out for him and the horrible inhuman sound of bones breaking and his body being torn apart. Paul barely registered he was pushing past Hugh as he darted into bathroom. It felt like his stomach was being ripped apart as he threw up the little that was in it. He heaved again and again, seeing the bodies of the crew of the Glenn in his mind. Hugh came up behind him and steadied him, gently rubbing his back to calm him down. He wanted to push him back, but he didn't have the energy. Once he finished, Paul turned to see Hugh had a cup of water for him.
"Just rinse your mouth. Let your stomach settle a bit," Hugh said as Paul took the cup in his shaky hands.
Paul did as instructed. Hugh took the cup when he finished. Paul rested his forehead against the toilet and closed his eyes, not caring. His back ached in the folded position. He bit his lip to keep from groaning as he realized what he'd done; throwing up in front of his love was embarrassing. But at the same time, he was too tired to care.
"You can't sleep in here." Hugh ran his hands through Paul's hair. The touch was incredibly soothing.
"I can't – I can't," Paul whispered. He couldn't finish his sentence and say that he couldn't stand up or that he couldn't forget the look of Straal's body. His stomach rolled slightly.
"That's okay."
He felt Hugh's arms slip beneath his legs and cradle his back. He carried him bridal style into the bedroom as Paul snuggled against his chest, holding tight to Hugh's t-shirt. Paul opened his eyes as Hugh laid him down on the bed. He wanted to thank him, but he couldn't. He couldn't say anything. He didn't feel anything. It was easier to be numb and not acknowledge the pain.
"Oh Paul," Hugh whispered, rubbing his hand through his hair.
Paul shook his head. He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, but he couldn't. He couldn't stop thinking. When they'd first been split up and Paul told Straal that he'd be separated from Hugh since he was being transferred to another ship, Straal said he wouldn't stand for it. Hugh was his everything. Straal worked for days in silence until he finally came to Paul with a letter from a higher ranking Starfleet official. He'd gotten Hugh transferred to Discovery to be with him. Paul could've kissed Straal. But he didn't. Hugh wouldn't be with him right now if it wasn't for Straal and his protective nature.
"I'm right here." Hugh pulled him closer.
Paul didn't even realize his entire body was shaking and he couldn't stop shaking. He fought to say something, to be able to assure Hugh he was okay. But he couldn't. He couldn't catch his breath, but he couldn't cry.
Hugh wrapped his arms around him tightly. He held him against his chest as Paul fought to remain in control. Every part of him shook as he rocked back and forth, attempting to sooth himself and quell the memories as they flooded over him. From the time they meet, moved in together, worked tirelessly on their project, and with each little milestone, Paul knew they would remain friends. Not anymore.
"No!" Paul tried to push Hugh's arms away.
"It's okay. I'm right here."
"No! I should've been there! I wasn't there to save him." Tears ran freely down his cheeks as Paul grabbed his hair and shook his head.
Hugh tried to pull him closer, but Paul pushed him back.
"I failed him. I'm the reason that Straal died!"
Hugh put a hand on each side of Paul's face, trying to draw him closer. "You didn't fail him. It was an accident. If you'd been there, you'd be dead too." A tear ran down Hugh's face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Paul. I'm just glad that it's not you."
Paul forced his hands away. He stumbled up from the bed and barely managed to stand. "I should be dead! It was my research and my project that killed him. Damn it, I dared him to complete his drive first! It's my fault."
Hugh followed him and grabbed him, yanking him into a hug. Paul resisted, hitting Hugh's back and chest as he yelled and tried to force him back. Hugh backed him into the wall. The hits weakened. Paul bucked again, unable to get free as he let out a heart-breaking sound of pain and grief. Hugh whispered softly, not giving up on him. After several long minutes, Paul stopped fighting and his breathing changed. "Oh god," slipped from his mouth as he gave himself to the grief and sobs exploded from his chest. He slid to the floor as Hugh guided him to keep from hurting himself. "No," he cried. "I didn't get to say good-bye." Paul rested his head against Hugh's chest.
Hugh embraced him, holding him but not too tight to give him space to move back. Paul scooted closer to him. They stayed in the same position for a long time until Paul started to shiver. Hugh moved to sweep him up again, but stopped when Paul put a hand on his shoulder.
"Do you think he felt it?" Paul whispered.
Hugh didn't answer at first. "I don't think so. It was quick."
"Good." He let his head fall against Hugh's chest again.
They sat in silence for a long time as they both wept, mourning the friend they lost. Paul started to drift, leaning heavily against Hugh. Hugh gently swept him off the floor. He pulled the blanket back before laying him down on the bed. Paul wrapped his fist in Hugh's shirt, not letting go. Hugh smiled a little. He pulled the blanket up, tucking it around his lover before climbing in on his side of the bed.
"Please," Paul whispered, reaching blindly for him.
Hugh spooned him, getting as close as he could. Paul melted into him and he could feel the tension leaving his body. He needed this. He needed Hugh's touch and love more than he needed oxygen right now. It was a long time before Paul said something. "There was so much I wanted to tell him. I'll never get the chance." A tear ran down the side of his nose and dripped on the blanket. "I'm sorry, Straal."
Hugh kissed his forehead and started running his fingers through Paul's hair to sooth him. It felt so nice. Paul let himself fall asleep, thinking of Straal and how much he'd want Paul to keep going.
Paul sat on the couch, covered in a blanket and flipping through the pages of Hugh's book. The words didn't mean much since he wasn't actually reading them. He vaguely heard the computer wake Hugh up for his morning run. He loved how consistent and dedicated his love was to the things he cared about. Even when he was exhausted, Hugh took the time to work out and Paul did like the physical benefits of that. He took a sip of the tepid water on the coffee table and set it back down. He'd only slept for about four hours before waking up and wanting to brush his teeth to clean out the bad taste of vomit. After that, he couldn't fall asleep. He'd taken out his old research, looking at the progress he and Straal had made, but it made him too sad. He traded it for Hugh's book, but didn't find it interesting.
"Paul?" A soft voice came from the bedroom. Hugh must've realized Paul wasn't in bed anymore.
Hugh came to the doorway, still dressed in his pajamas and with only one sock on. His hair was mused up; his clothes wrinkled. He looked quite adorable. "Hey."
"Hey."
"How long have you been out here? You could've woken me up and I would've sat with you." Hugh moved over to the couch and sat down beside him. He put his arm out and Paul immediately snuggled up against him.
"I've been up for about an hour. I couldn't fall back asleep. Too much on my mind."
Hugh gently touched Paul's cheek. "Do you want to talk?"
Paul shook his head. "Not right now. If that's okay."
"That's okay. We don't have to talk yet, but we will need to talk. You have to grieve and you have to feel okay to move on."
"I know." Paul swallowed around the lump forming in his throat. "It's gonna take time."
Hugh smiled at him. "That's okay, my love. Now, how about I skip my morning run and we have a nice quiet breakfast?"
"But then I won't get to see you all hot and sweaty," Paul teased. It was a little half-hearted, but he tried. Not that he had the energy right now after crying so much and little sleep, but he hoped Hugh appreciated it.
"They'll be other times for that." Hugh kissed his forehead, lingering. "Maybe after we have breakfast, I'll let you take a shower with me, but just a shower for now."
"I can deal with that." Paul looked up at him, giving him a soft smile. "Shower first?" He stuck out his lower lip in a fake pout.
"Okay. Shower first."
Hugh stood up first. Paul stayed where he was flopped, not feeling the strength to get up. Hugh offered his hand. He didn't hesitate to grab it and let Hugh help him stand. Hugh's eye lit up as he looked at him. Paul could see how much he loved him and how much he wanted to protect him from the pain of loss. But they were both there. Paul pressed his forehead against Hugh's. Nothing was going to happen to him. He was safe in Hugh's arms. He tilted his head a little, moving in closer. He could feel Hugh's breath against his lips.
"Paul…"
Paul caught Hugh's lower lip in his mouth. He put his hand against Hugh's back to keep himself from stumbling. Hugh wrapped his arms around him as if he sensed the need to hold them together. He let Paul guide the kiss, slow and steady. The normal steaminess wasn't present, but he could feel every bit of love Hugh had for him. He let the tip of his tongue touch Hugh's before pulling back. He'd protect Hugh with everything he had. Paul ran his hand up Hugh's arm and touched his cheek as they broke apart.
"I love you," Paul whispered. He kept his face close to Hugh's, feeling his rough stubbly cheek rub his. Perfect. "I won't let anything happen to you. I'll keep you safe. Promise."
"I love you too." Hugh ran his fingers through Paul's hair. "The same goes for you. I'll protect you too."
"My dear doctor."
"My dear scientist." Hugh grinned. "Let's go take a shower and then we'll have some pancakes. I'll even let you put four scoops of sugar in your coffee and I won't complain."
"Now that's love."
Paul let Hugh help him walk to the bathroom. He really needed this time alone with his love. After breakfast, he was going to find out what happened to Straal and discover how he could protect the one he loved. Straal's death wouldn't be in vain. It reminded him how much he loved Hugh and he'd do anything to save him.
A very emotional one. I felt we got such a surface level of Paul's grief for Straal, in the expressions he made and how his tone changed throughout the episode. I really wanted to expand on that. And I wanted Hugh to be there for Paul, just as he needed him to be. Paul breaking down wasn't easy for him because he's a strong person and doesn't like to show those emotions. But he needed to.
When I was in high school, my sister's friend died in a car accident and I'll NEVER forget the phone call she got. I didn't hear what was said to her, but I remember her screaming and falling to the floor, dropping the phone. Grief isn't always just crying, but it's a pain that is felt in different ways.
I hope it wasn't too out of character for Paul to respond like that, but I think since Hugh is his safety, it was his way of releasing his pain and grieving. And then he could be comforted.
Thanks for reading!