Hello everybody! OMG, it has been so long! I'm so sorry for not posting stuff. I have like a lot of things that I wanna write but I have exams =.= I am almost done with them though and I am planning to write more again once I am done uwu But oh well I'm just gonna drop this off here and hope you'll guys will like it!

Disclamer: Mijke does not own Sherlock or any of its characters!

Me: Oh you still do this? I had so hoped you'd be gone...

Go on then, tell him! He needs to know.

Don't you dare! He is nothing, he's not worth it.

Sherlock was standing across from John, his thoughts driving him crazy. Tell him or not…. Lie or finally tell him the truth. "I'm waiting Sherlock!" Sherlock looked John in his eyes. They were angry, something they were not supposed to be. Johns eyes were happy and caring but right now they just looked hurt and sad.

"Why can't you understand John! I can't!" Yes you can, just say it. Tell him! The voice was there again, the good one.

"You say anything to anyone, whether it is good to say or not! Why are you not saying this to me?!" Because he isn't worthy of knowing it. He could never be. Not someone like him! SHUT UP!

The voices kept on talking, screaming at each other. One saying it was good, one was bad. For once his mind was betraying him. Making everything even more difficult than it already was. Sherlock looked around the room, something to calm down, to let them shut up. But all he could see was John, John looking at him, waiting for him to answer.

He needed to get out, to get away from this hell. But where can you go when you are hiding for yourself. It would always follow him, the voices would always be there. "Sherlock, are you even listening to me?!" Johns voice was barely heard over the screaming in his head.

"Shut it, I need some time!" No you don't, you know what to do… what is right. That isn't right it is terrible, he shouldn't know!

"Need time for what Sherlock?! Just tell me…" The last thing was not heard by Sherlock. All he could hear were the voices, the voices who were always there, always screaming, always fighting, always doubting. Out, out, he needed to get out! Get away from the voices. Away from everything, from life.

John was still saying things to Sherlock but he had no idea what it was, nor did he really want to know it. All he cared for was a way out and he thought that he had found one. Sherlock got up and grabbed his jacket as quickly as possible. As he put it on John was asking him what he was doing and where he was going but Sherlock did not hear him. He was completely focused on finally finding a way to stop it again, to calm down.

He wanted to walk out the door as something grabbed his sleeve. He turned around, seeing John standing behind him, his eyes full of worry and the anger from before was gone. He stopped for a moment. "Sherlock, please what is going on?"

Sherlock gave John the best smile he could put up right now, even though he knew it would not be enough. "I'm fine John, please do not worry about me. You said you wanted to eat something, right? Then go do that. I'll be back soon."

To his surprise John just stared at him for a few seconds before he let go and took a step back. "Be back soon, and don't do anything stupid." His eyes were serious. Would he mean it? Would he care…? Of course he doesn't, he doesn't care about you. Of course he does, he cares about you more than anything.

"I will try to." With that Sherlock left, leaving John to stand in the hallway on his own. Had John known what Sherlock was planning to do then he would have never let him go.

Sherlock wandered around on the streets of London, looking for him. The man without a name, the man with everything and nothing. Even for Sherlock it was difficult to find this man. But that was his rule. You do not have to find him, for he will find you in times of need. Even if you didn't want to, he would find you. Anyone who needed him would rather not have ever started meeting him. The first time is always the hardest, but after that it became much and much easier.

Sherlock had come to him a lot earlier in his life but he had stopped. He had managed to get away. What are you doing, don't go to him! Not again! The voice was screaming, screaming for him to turn around and go home but he couldn't. He needed the man too much, he hadn't in ages. Though when the idea had popped into his head he had realized that this was the only option. Yes, finally you are being smart, finally you're doing something right.

Sherlock smiled. Something right… Finally he had a way to solve his problem.

"Ah, Sherlock! Long time, no see!" Sherlock turned around to see the man in an alley. Always an alley, always a different one but always an alley. "How have you been buddy? Looking good." He grinned at Sherlock. The grin Sherlock knew all too well. The grin that he knew he had a buyer.

"Just shut up and give me what I came for."

"Still as nice as ever Sherlock," He took his bag and out of that he grabbed what Sherlock had been looking for, his way to solve his problem. "It has gotten a bit more pricy than before though."

Sherlock was staring at it. "I do not care for that, just give it to me."

The man pulled it away from Sherlock. "You know the rules, you pay me first." Sherlock sighed and got out the money. He handed him 20 pounds but the man didn't accept it. "This is quite a lot Sherlock, and quite a lot comes with quite the price." Sherlock rolled his eyes and gave the man 10 pounds extra. The man smiled at him. "That is more like it." He handed Sherlock the bag and before you knew it he was gone.

Sherlock was about to walk away when he heard his voice again. "Always a pleasure to see you here Sherlock, oh and welcome back old friend."

It was midnight when Sherlock finally arrived back home in Bakerstreet. The place was dark and the only light came from the little light that John had sitting next to him. 3 hours had he waited! Waited and worried about Sherlock. Normally Sherlock would go out for about 30 minutes to an hour, so he knew something was up the moment Sherlock stepped in.

For a few seconds the two just looked at each other. John looking Sherlock all over for wounds or any sign of damage and Sherlock just staring weirdly out of his eyes. John looked in Sherlocks eyes, while Sherlock was just staring back at him. John saw nothing of the man he had gotten used to seeing. The eyes where the same as always but it was clear that the man inside was gone.

John just got up and walked to the kitchen not even saying a word to Sherlock. Out of the cabin he calmly got some aspirins while his mind was going crazy. John knew actually what had happened but he refused to believe it. It simply was not allowed to be true. He walked back with the aspirins in one hand and a glass of water in the other. He put both of them in front of Sherlock, who in the main time had decided he wanted to sit down and sat across from him.

After 5 whole minutes the aspirins and glass of water where still there and Sherlock was still not doing anything. John leaned forwards a bit and grabbed Sherlocks hand, which made Sherlock look at him. They stayed like that for a little bit, until John let go and placed the aspirins in Sherlocks hand. Sherlock stared down at them for a second before he nodded and took them. John smiled and walked back to the kitchen to get Sherlock some food. He quickly had to microwave the food and then walked back to Sherlock. He placed the food in font of Sherlock and this time he just quietly started eating.

It took Sherlock about 20 min (and some more silent hints from John) to eat all of the food. John helped Sherlock to get up and got him to his bedroom. He had to look around the room for a while before he finally found Sherlocks pyjamas. With a bit more difficulties John managed to get Sherlock in his pyjamas and on the bed.

While he was walking out of the room Sherlock finally spoke up. "Please stay with me John…" John turned around and stared at Sherlock for a few seconds. He then nodded and walked out to get dressed himself. Within 5 minutes has was back down again and got into bed with Sherlock. The moment he had completely laid down Sherlock wrapped himself around him and sighed rather happily.

John could feel Sherlocks calm heartbeat and his slow breathing. He put an arm around Sherlock himself and changed the position a little so they were both laying comfortable. As the heartbeat was slowing going down and Sherlock was falling asleep John shed a few tears for his friend. "I'm always here for you Sherlock." He whispered. But he knew he was too late. He had started this up again… He had used drugs again. And no matter how hard John tried to push it away, he had the feeling that this was not going to be a one time thing…

As Sherlock opened his eyes he honestly did not have any idea what happened on his way home. He remembered taking the drugs and slowly calming down again but what happened after that was a blur.

He turned around, eyes still closed, to think about what had happened to him when he felt an arm around his middle. He tried to look around to see what it was when he realized that it must have been John. Who else would be laying in bed with him? He could feel John's slow breath as he was still asleep. Sherlock wanted to get out to get away from him.

Not only had he walked out on his yesterday but seeing as he was laying here with him he must've seen how he was yesterday and realize what had happened. Sherlock had so hoped that John would have gone out to one of his girlfriends or at least would've been asleep by the time he got back. Even though he usually couldn't remember what he did while he was in such a state, it could not have been good.

Sherlock turned around to face John and slowly smiled when he saw him. No matter what the voices were scream at him, he would always believe that he was beautiful. It was so difficult to deal with them but as long as he had him it would be worth it..

As Sherlock closed his eyes to try and get some more sleep his phone rang. Sherlock immediately got up and got the phone as John was still rolling around a little, looking like he was refusing to get out of bed yet.

Sherlock looked at the number for a few seconds before he finally answered. "What do you want from me Lestrade?"

"Good morning to you too Sherlock. I got a case, a 7 at least."

"Hmm.. explain." As Lestrade started explaining the case, Sherlock could hear John get up from behind him and saw him looking around confused. Probably confused that he wasn't in his own room.

After hearing Lestrade talk about it, it seemed like it was actually going to be a pretty interesting case. He put down the phone and started walking around quickly to get dressed and everything, his brain going a thousand and one places. This was the best thing about the cases, his voices would shut up and the only thing that matter is that he kept going.

"Sherlock? What are you doing?" John had gotten up and was standing in the doorway, looking at Sherlock as he was running around the apartment.

"A case John, do try to keep up."

"Well I can't keep up if you don't tell me. Give me a minute I'd like to eat something and you should too."

Sherlock sighed and gave John an irritated look. "I don't do eating John! Come on now, let's go. You can get something on the way there."

John stayed still for a second before walking out to get dressed. Within a few minutes he was dressed and ready to go. "I'm getting you something to eat too."

"Yes yes, come on let's just get going already." John smiled for a moment at Sherlock and Sherlock wasn't completely sure why. Not that he minded of course, he liked it when John smiled at him. What does it matter, it's just a stupid smile. Don't get so excited about that.

Sherlock shook his head to try and get the voice go away and it helped a bit. Not much later they were in a cab on their way to Lestrade and the case. Sherlock forced himself to look out of the window the entire ride, whatever he did, he shouldn't look at John… For now he needed to let everything fall back into its place first.

John looked at Sherlock as they walked back into a Bakerstreet. The case had taken them 3 days and Sherlock looked completely broken. Not as broken as that night… but still… It had been terrible seeing Sherlock like that, but nothing matter how hard he tried to push it away it just kept being in his mind. Nothing he tried worked.

Even on the case it was difficult keeping his head there. More than once Sherlock had asked him if anything was wrong but he refused to admit it. Of course he knew that Sherlock would know anyway but right there and then was not a good time to talk it too. Because they definitely had to talk that out.

"I'm going to order some Chinese and you're going to eat too today, you hear me." As he walked to his laptop to order it he heard Sherlock sigh. "Yes you are. I don't wanna hear any no's or but's. You haven't eaten since we started this case, so you're eating something."

As he ordered the food he could see Sherlock moving around, looking for something. John choose to ignore it as it didn't seem quite important. After a few minutes for looking John saw Sherlock standing with some bills in his hands. Was that what he was looking for? Sherlock put his coat back on and was about to go out as John stopped him. "Just what do you think you're doing? I'm not letting you go anywhere before you have eaten something."

"I'm going to get some food for myself, don't worry."

John shook his head. "Nope, I just ordered so you're standing. I can't eat all of that one my own." John smiled but his smile faded quickly as he saw Sherlocks face. It looked even thinner than it normally was. His eyes were quickly looking around the room and he looked… scared? Sherlock scared…?

"Sherlock, what is going on.?"

Sherlock gave John a quick look before looking away again. "It's nothing John, now if you'd excuse me-"

"No, no I won't excuse you." John interrupted Sherlock. "Why are you going out Sherlock?" John gave Sherlock a worried look, but Sherlock didn't seem to care.

"John, you must understand that from time to time I need my rest and to be alone-"

"Your rest? I think you mean your drugs." John didn't mean for it to come out as this, this mean. As much as John wanted there was just no other way in saying it. John knew it, Sherlock just wanted to get high again.

Sherlock looked down at John for a moment before giving him a sad smile. "And so what if I am? Nothing wrong with a bit of it every now and then."

"Sherlock, can you even hear yourself!" John didn't mean to start screaming really… it just happened and he couldn't stop it. "You know why you can't do this. You've been addicted before and you're just gonna fall back into it! You can't do that! Not to your brother nor Lestrade, Miss Hudson… any of us." As John was talking his voice got softer and softer. "We all need you Sherlock… I need you…" With the last words John took a few steps forward and hugged Sherlock.

Sherlock stood still for a few seconds not completely realising what was happening. He's hugging you, you idiot! Just hug him back! Are you crazy?! Don't do that! Get away! Sherlock gave a soft smile and hugged John back(to Johns surprise).

"I'm sorry John… I just need to do this.. If I don't I'll go crazy." What are you doing?! Stop talking and get outside!

John looked up at Sherlock. "I understand the want and the urge to get it, but please Sherlock… try to ignore it. I know it's hard but you're breaking yourself. It's not a way out, it could be your death!" He is right! It will be!

Sherlock looked down at John for a few seconds. "John you don't understand… my brain-"

"Find another way to turn it off! There must a better way than this!" John looked desperate at this point. Why would he care so much? Because he cares about you! He freaking doesn't! Ignore him! No, don't ignore him! This is your chance, tell him!

"I do not know another way John…" John looked away for a moment before he looked back at Sherlock. "I think I do." He slowly leaned forward and Sherlock was sure what he was going to do, so he closed his eyes. What are you doing?! Get away from him!

It probably just lasted seconds but it felt like years. John just calmly, shortly pushed his lips to Sherlocks and kisses him. He backed away a little and seemed like he wanted to say something but Sherlock was quicker and kisses him again.

Nothing around him matter for a moment, just them. His voices calmed down and he felt like, for the first time, he could breathe again. He didn't even notice that John had moved them to the couch till his was sitting on it.

John broke the kiss and looked at him with a small smile. "So how's that?" Sherlock couldn't do anything else then just smile back at him. It had been great and did indeed help a lot. "That was good."

"Did it help a little?"

"Yes."

Johns smile became bigger and more happy. "How about we just keep doing this then?" Sherlock couldn't even describe how happy it made him to hear that. He just nodded and John just grinned. "Good, because I think this is a bloody good plan." Sherlock laughed for a moment and looked at John. It had been a long time since he had thought this but yeah… This was going to be alright…

Well that was it again! Again, sorry for not posting anything in a while and I hope you guys don't mind it too much that this isn't that long! It is really nice to get back into the writing again though uwu Thank you all for reading it and I hope you liked it!

R&R and no Flames!

See you next time! (^.^)/