This is a Nikki-centric oneshot based on a conversation I had with someone recently and the following quote from an interview with Heather Peace about her exit storyline "…it is a really cracking storyline. It is actually very well developed in terms of the stuff with Nikki's internalised homophobia, which actually happens to a lot of gay people when they would really rather they weren't gay as life is a lot easier if you are not. I think there is quite a lot of depth within that that perhaps hasn't been explored before."
"I'm not...no, no, I'm definitely not..." even in her head Nikki couldn't bring herself to admit it. She reached for her beer and took a long sip as she thought it through in her mind, "I'm straight" she tried to convince herself, "I am, I'm straight, I like men." She began to think as she took another sip from the bottle, "I like...Brad Pitt, yeah, Brad Pitt, he was the sort of man every woman had a crush on right? Oh but Angelina Jolie's lips... Those legs that... No!" she mentally scolded herself, "you're not... you're straight."
"It was a conversation Nikki had with herself almost every day over the next few weeks, every time she saw Lorraine walking down the corridors, hips swaying in time with the click of her heels on the cheap linoleum Nikki wondered what it would feel like to hold those curves closely, how soft the blonde hair would feel as she carefully ran her fingers through it. Everytime she shook the thoughts from her head as quickly as she could and repeated what had become a mantra in her head, "I'm straight."
"Nikki frequently found herself staring into space, one thing on her mind, two voices in her head constantly arguing with each other, she wanted to scream every time she heard Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way'. "You can't be" the first voice said, you're not butch enough, women like that have short hair they... " it wasn't long before the second voice interrupted, "you were in the army" it reminded her, "and exactly how many dresses do you own?" It was true, she'd never been girly, she'd always preferred wearing jeans and climbing trees to sitting nicely in a dress at a tea party and she rarely bothered with makeup but just because she was a bit of a tomboy... she knew other women from the army, they were tomboys just like her, they'd all found husbands. "No" she shook her head, being a tomboy didn't make her... she was straight, most definitely straight.
"You've got to be straight" one voice told her decisively one evening as she sat curled up on her sofa with a mug of tea, "remember Stuart?" it wasn't long before the other voice piped up, "remember how that ended?" she did, the divorce papers upstairs were a constant reminder of how that particular relationship ended. She couldn't help but begin to wonder if she'd loved Stuart, did she marry him because she loved him or had she married him in a desperate bid to convince not only the rest of the world but herself too that she was straight. "I loved him" she mumbled quietly as she thought back over her relationship and it's subsequent marriage, "you loved him..." The voice in her head echoed her words, "but were you ever in love with him?"
"You can't be... " even the voices in her head struggled with that word, "no way, you want a family." She did, the voice was right, her last attempt at parenthood had failed miserably when she'd failed to feel anything more than a vague disinterest for the screaming bundle in her arms. But she was older now, she was settled with a safe job and a stable income, it would be different this time, it would be her choice to have the baby, she'd plan and prepare for it, it wouldn't just come at her out if the blue like Eve had, she would take feel pressured into her decision to keep the baby.
She frequently found her hand trailing over her taut stomach as she mulled over her latest argument with herself, "It's 2012" the other voice told her, "you don't need a man to have a baby." She knew that, she knew all about IVF and sperm donors, she also knew it came with a price tag way out of her reach. Maybe, maybe if she tightened her belt, moved into a smaller house, she'd be able to afford one go, one final shot at motherhood. But what if it didn't work? Or what if it did? She'd be counting the pennies after the IVF in a cramped little flat with a baby on the way... "it doesn't matter" a voice somewhere in the back of her mind mumbled, "look at Eve, you'd be a terrible mother anyway."
The two voices in her head continued to argue over the next few weeks as Nikki's feelings for Lorraine only grew deeper, the brunette finding any reason she could to talk to the blonde, "it's just a silly crush" Nikki tried to convince herself, "she's a good looking woman, you don't have to be..." Even a straight woman was allowed to notice if another woman looked good right? Only in this case it was more than appreciating Lorraine's good looks, Nikki seemed to spend every waking moment thinking of the other woman, she was her last thought at night and her first thought in a morning. Nikki constantly found herself wondering how it would feel to lay in bed at night, that perfect body curled into hers, wondering how it would feel to kiss those plump lips, how Lorraine would taste as their tongues fought for dominance. "It doesn't matter anyway" a voice in her head piped up..."you're straight and she's stunning, she could have her pick of any man she wanted." Nikki had to agree, even if she was...that, the chances of Lorraine feeling the same way were miniscule, "forget about her, find a nice husband and settle down" the voice in her head told her, "before it's too late."
Nikki wasn't sure how but she found herself spending more and more time with Lorraine over the next few weeks, "admit it" the voice in her head said one night as she arrived home after a drink with the other woman, "it's not a crush, you're falling for her." It was something Nikki would never admit until the afternoon when she felt Lorraine's lips first brush against hers. It took her a minute to realise she wasn't imagining things, that the woman of her dreams was in her office, the woman of her dreams had kissed her...was still kissing her. "I told you" the second voice whispered as Nikki's returned the kiss, "you're gay and you're in love with Lorraine."
Nikki became more at ease with herself as her relationship with Lorraine developed, she loved Lorraine and Lorraine loved her, "for the first time in years you're happy" the voice in her head told her, " does it matter who's making you happy?" It wasn't to be though, Nikki should have guessed, whilst she'd begun to accept her sexuality over the course of their relationship, Lorraine still seemed terrified of her own. Nikki couldn't judge her though, she couldn't blame Lorraine for not wanting anyone else to know about their relationship, the brunette knew from her own experience that coming out to herself had been hard enough, never mind anyone else.
She knew, she'd known for a while, a feeling in the pit of her stomach had told her the relationship wasn't going any further, she'd known Lorraine was going to dump her, she'd even thought about getting in there first and ending things before Lorraine could but she hadn't, she hadn't wanted to believe it, she'd wanted to give Lorraine a chance but it was a chance the blonde didn't take. Nikki might have known it was coming but she still had to fight back tears as Lorraine had told Nikki she didn't want to mix business with, what Nikki hoped was pleasure. It had been the first time a relationship ending had genuinely upset her, she'd felt nothing but relief on the day her divorce was finalised, and the night Lorraine broke up with her, for the first time in her life, Nikki Boston cried herself to sleep.
The months after her breakup with Lorraine saw Nikki become more comfortable with herself, admitting to herself that she might be gay saw a huge weight lifted from her shoulders. She still felt confused though, did she actually like men at all? The more she thought about it the more she thought the answer to that question was 'no'. Whenever she thought about her future, whenever she thought about slipping her hand into her partner's, whenever she thought about curling up with the person she loved, it was always a woman by her side.
"Nikki's confusion about her sexuality lead to her looking online for advice, it wasn't like there was anyone she could talk to in real life, for one she wasn't sure she was quite ready to be 'out and proud' just yet, and secondly the only person she could think of that was in anything remotely close to her situation was Lorraine and she wasn't going there again. "I think I'm gay" she typed into Google, clicking on the first search result, a forum for LGBT people to 'chat and share their experiences in a non judgemental environment' according to the brief description the search engine gave her. She read through a few of the forum posts, '14yo ready to come out to parents...any tips' 'Where can I take my new gf for our first date...we're 16.' "Why are all these teenagers so confident?" Nikki grumbled to herself, why couldn't she be like that? She shook her head and closed the tab, it didn't matter how friendly the forum was, she didn't feel like her 'nearly 40 and confused' post would fit in there.
Nikki's next thought was online dating, maybe she could find someone online, maybe once she met somebody, once she was settled in a relationship then everything would click into place. It wasn't to be though, she spent hours looking through the profiles, there were plenty of women who she found, not only physically attractive, but that she could imagine herself getting along with once she'd read about them but she daren't make her own profile, she was fine until it came to choosing an option in the 'seeking' category. By now Nikki had mostly come to terms with the fact she wanted her partner to be a woman but clicking that button just seemed so... final, so decisive, like she was locking herself in a box she was the 100% certain she wanted to be in so much like she had the forum, Nikki closed the window and sighed softly. She had 3 choices, 1. admit she wanted to be in a relationship with a woman and be happy, 2, force herself into a relationship with a man, live the life everyone expected her to lead and force herself to go along with it or 3, stay on her own for the rest if her life, possibly becoming 'that' crazy old spinster that scared small children. She sighed again as she closed the lid of her laptop, that decision shouldn't be this hard.
Little did she know that the decision was about to be taken out of her hands, Nikki found herself talking to Sue Spark's sister at what had been dubbed, "The Waterloo Road wedding of the year." It had started off as general conversation as they waited for the bride and groom to arrive, but as the night went on, each glass of champagne saw them getting closer as they drifted away from the other members of staff into a quiet corner of their own. Nikki's heart stopped in her chest when she heard the other woman's words, "If I knew Sue had such sexy colleagues I'd have called in at playtime." Nikki's voice caught in her throat, there was no way she... no, the woman in front of her definitely wasn't talking about her, there were plenty of other people in the room she could be talking about.
"Who do you mean? " Nikki asked with a nervous laugh.
Vix looked into Nikki's eyes and Nikki felt her stomach twist, she wasn't aware of either of them moving but suddenly they were so close Nikki was convinced she was about to feel those cherry red lips against hers but Vix pulled away at the last minute, "shall we get another drink?" Nikki nodded and wordlessly followed the younger woman over to the bar where another glass of champagne was placed in hers, "come with me" Vix grinned, slipping her fingers between Nikki's and leading her from the room. Nikki didn't care where they were going, she only hoped Vix hadn't noticed how sweaty her palms were, her heart was still racing from the almost kiss. "Here" Nikki hadn't noticed Vix leading her from the building but she now found herself stood in the gardens of the estate where the wedding reception was being held, "now" she whispered, "I can do this without you being the talk of the playground on Monday." She didn't even give Nikki chance to process her words before Vix wrapped her free arm around Nikki's waist to pull her closer and then kissed her softly.
"Wow" Nikki mumbled once their lips finally parted.
"Yeah" Vix whispered, "definitely wow"
"So what now?" Nikki asked, not sure whether Vix saw this as just a quick fling.
"I think we should go back inside" Vix shivered slightly, her dress not providing much protection from the cool night air "I've got a room, I'm not suggesting we do anything, maybe put on a film and order room service? Dad's paying"
Nikki shrugged off her jacket and draped it over Vix's shoulders to keep her warm, "that sounds good" she smiled softly as once again Vix's hand found hers, their fingers slotting together like they were made to be connected, "in fact it sounds great."
"I love this song, turn it up" Vix grinned as she drove, her red hair billowing out behind her in the early morning breeze. Nikki couldn't help but laugh as she followed her partner's instruction and recognised the song almost instantly, Vix unable to help herself singing along, Nikki was surprised however to hear her in voice joining in with the chorus, "I'm beautiful in my way 'cause God makes no mistakes. I'm on the right track, baby I was born this way" but for once she didn't care, she'd been with Vix for 6 months and those 6 months had been the happiest months of her life. She was finally happy she thought to herself as she sang along to the radio and in the end that was all that mattered.