Sitting alone in the Impala was Dean Winchester's least favourite thing to do. It was symbol that he was once again alone without anyone. He could handle sitting in a car with a pissed off, or sleeping Sammy much more than he could handle it alone. It made his mind go through all the things he'd ever done wrong to deserve this. Sure he'd killed the girl that Sam had asked him not to, but he had to. It was what he was trained to do. His father had brought him up and trained him to kill whatever killed humans. It was why he hadn't killed the woman's boy. The sole reason why he hadn't, since he knew that eventually the boy would kill too. It had really only been a matter of time before little Sammy had found out. Because he always did. After so much time of getting caught in a lie, he'd figured that maybe he could get away with just one thing. Just this one thing. That he could do something to protect the people of the world without getting yelled at for it. He hated that Sammy hadn't seen his side of it. That it hadn't been clear to him that the woman had to die. She had to. She'd endangered the lives of others and therefore had to know what it felt like to have something ripped from within.
Sighing heavily Dean focused on the road, he'd left Sam behind like the younger Winchester had asked and with each passing mile was resisting the ever strong desire to pull over and just call his brother. Give him a piece of his mind and tell him that he'd done the right thing, that killing her was what he had to do. If he hadn't, someone else would've. Or she would've killed someone else. Tell him, that he was just doing what his father had asked him. Protect Sammy. It had not been an easy decision, going against Sammy like that wasn't something he liked doing, but he couldn't risk it. Dean had known that when he was caught, he wouldn't be happy but he had known that he had to do something. He had to get back to the core of what they did, to just get back to hunting things and making the world a less dark place. Of course they didn't need to find dad like they had to begin with, but ridding the world of the things in the dark was good enough for him.
Hunting was the only way he could keep his mind from wandering to a certain person. When it did, Dean found it difficult to keep it together, and he didn't want to be like that in front of Sam or Bobby. He knew he had to keep fighting, keep pushing. Pretend like everything is okay, and that he's fine. Even if it wasn't true. In all honesty, Dean Winchester was tired of telling people he was fine, more he was sick of people asking him if he was fine. They knew he wasn't they always said that, he couldn't understand what was the point in asking in the first place if they had their own answer. Asking and knowing the answer. Telling him he was wrong when he replied with a simple, blunt I'm fine. Or like he'd said to Bobby, who the hell cares. After all, who did care. His brother had just walked out on him, again. He was driving alone.
Being focused on the road was fairly difficult for the eldest Winchester. He felt his eyes prickling, tears threatening to fall. Keeping his emotions in check were a lot easier when he was with someone. He knew for them he had to be the strong elder Winchester, soldier, sole protector rather than the one who was slowly crumbling underneath the weight of the world that he carried on his shoulders. Crumbling from the fact that he'd lost his closest friend, and had to face the new evil without him. With that singular fleeting thought of a friend, Dean just pulled over. He was on a quiet back lane at night, so thankfully there were little cars around him. He stopped the car and turned off the engine.
Now, sitting alone in the dark car, he could feel the emptiness take over him. It was a fairly normal occurrence when he was alone. Which was why he avoided being alone. Maybe he had Bobby and he had Sam, but after losing his mother, father, Ellen and Jo, Dean Winchester had never expected he'd have to lose anyone else. He thought he'd lost enough. Thought he'd given enough. He'd been wrong.
The year without Sam had been torture, after everyone else, it had been terrible. Everyday was a struggle. Since he had pretty much failed what he father had told him to do. The entire year had been worse than the time he'd spent in hell. Now, he was without someone else. Only this wasn't just going to be for the year, even if he hadn't expected Sam to come back. He was dead, and even if they'd returned from the dead, he couldn't see how he would. The one person he had never expected to leave him. The one he had truly believed he would never have to say goodbye to. How he'd been wrong.
A part of the eldest Winchester was pretty hopeful that he would have made it through. That he wouldn't leave him like most others had. That he'd make it through because they were friends. And he was his angel. But, that had quickly changed. Dean wished he could take back some of the last words he'd said to his friend. Dean had been too hopeful of him not losing him. He had felt his heart melt slightly at the look in his friend's eyes. But, he had to be strong, he had to pretend he didn't care. When he did.
Dean hated that he'd lost the closest thing he'd had to a friend in years. Having never spent as much time in any place, and not being as friendly as Sammy, he'd always pretty much been alone. In high school, Dean had been the one to go with the girls but there was very little commitment. He'd not had the chance to go to college. Sighing heavily, Dean felt his body begin to shake. It had happened on a number of occasions, the slight shake of his hands. Or his body. He couldn't keep it in much longer. He got out the car, slammed the door behind him and took a few steps forward. Letting his gaze reach up to the sky above him.
Dean felt small tears slide slowly down his cheeks. He lowered his gaze and stared at the ground around his feet. He let out a shaky breath as tears continued to fall at a slightly quicker pace. His entire body split between grief and anger. He just wanted to destroy everything in sight because he hadn't been able to save his friend, another person he'd been unable to save and he'd lost a his friend, a person he could count on other than Sammy. Dean cleared his throat slightly. He stepped back, and sat down light on the hood of the impala. The only thing that had not left him. The only thing he could fix no matter how bad the problem was. The depressing point was that it was just a car.
"Castiel, Cas. I can't do this. I don't want to have to do this. I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I care about." Dean's voice was barely above a whisper. He was talking slowly, picking his words carefully. "Couldn't you have just come to me, we were friends. You were my family. Why did you have to do such a thing. Cas. You could've come to me"
Dean looked up at the sky, his friend Castiel, the angel was probably no longer up there. Dean had never asked what happened to angels when they died. Did they get to go to Heaven, or was it purgatory for them. He'd never asked, because he had never thought he would lose him.
"Cas, you stupid son of a bitch. I could've helped." Dean rubbed the tears from the cheeks. "I miss you Cas." He half expected Cas to appear beside him, but nothing happen. Silence was all that was returned to him. With those final words and the silence that followed, Dean took a few seconds to recompose himself and then got back into the car. Dean turned the ignition back on in the car, quickly wiped his eyes with his sleeve and drove off. His minds still filled with the angel that was no longer in his life. Only leaving him with a beige coloured trench coat in the boot of his car and memories to fill several novels. But as he drove, Dean put his game face back on because he had to pretend he was okay. For the few he had left.
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