It's Making Me Weary
Ed's P.O.V.
Lonely was never a unknown term for me, considering for most of my life, it had been just me and my younger brother, Alphonse. But, even though I new want lonely was, and how much it hurt, I never really knew how much it could affect me. I never knew that it could make me absolutely depressed, and sullen.
Rain was falling outside of my window, pattering gently on my windowsill. It was a soothing sound, but one I was used to by now, so I tried my best to ignore it; it was just giving me a headache. I hate the sound, hate the feeling, hate the way it makes my joints freeze up and ache. Technically, I just hate the rain.
I sighed, looking out the window, blinking with my thoughts on him. God, how I hate him for all the crap he gives me, the way he pushes me around and tries to think he's got me on a leash. I just hate Roy Mustang so much, and I wonder why I still work for the bastard… I know the answer to that question, and I'm not even going to go there, because it'll just get me all depressed again.
What an awesome reason, or an awesome excuse for me; the only reason I work for him is for my little brother, but I know I'm just lying to myself again, which isn't very rare for me. Maybe, once upon a time, I did work for Mustang just to get Al's body back, but once that was achieved, what was the real reason underlying the entire charade? I know I couldn't lie to myself and say it was because I liked to work there, or it was because I liked the job (and that was the exact opposite). It was because at some point in time in six years, I had fallen in love with Mustang.
How scary for me to admit that; me, Edward Elric, the loner of Amertis, had fallen for the biggest womanizer in the country, Roy Mustang. Blessing? Doubt it. Curse? Most likely. It was strange, though, because I always blamed it on my hormones, since I was a teenage boy, just fifteen, and unable to know what love was. But, time went by, and I came to the conclusion it wasn't hormones; I'm eighteen, and I'm still unable to get that damn bastard's face out of my mind.
The most shocking for me was the three years I spent on the other side of the gate; those threes years were completely used up trying to get my way back home to Alphonse, and thinking of no one but Roy. I knew deep down that I secretly wanted to get back to my own country to see Mustang, and not my brother… It shocked me the most. And then I finally got back there, and I saw him; Roy with his smug grin and messy black hair, dark eyes that cut through me, and pale complexion. And the eye patch; I immediately asked myself what kind of bullshit did he manage to get himself into if he was wearing an eye patch. He just grinned at me, then we threw some jokes at each other, and I had never felt so at peace before in my life.
It didn't last very long; I went back to Germany (Al following, that sneaky kid…), and I had to say goodbye to Mustang once again. I felt hurt, in my heart, and my soul, and he didn't look so happy either, as he held Al back while my little brother cried and yelled for me. It never occurred to me that I was leaving behind the only person I had ever loved other than Al, that I was leaving my heart with him, hoping that I wouldn't get hurt by him. I guess I was just being stupid.
I looked over at my desk, and all the different medicines Al forced my doctor to give me, and I just chuckled; anti-depressants, painkillers, sleep-aids. It was comical that I had to take that much medication just to put a smile on my face. Alphonse was convinced that I was just having a hard time to deal with the fact I had to leave Winry and Granny Pinako alone again, but I guess my brother doesn't understand everything about me; I never told him once about my love for Mustang.
I guess sitting here and listening to the rain made me finally realize that it's not that the lonliness made me hurt, but it actually scared me, really and truly frightened me. Since I'm such a pessimist, I guess it got planted in my brain that I'll be alone forever, because the only person I loved is across the Gate, in a country that doesn't even exist as far as everyone here is concerned.
My medicine finally started working, as I felt a wave of droswiness wash over me like a blanket. I yawned, looked over to Alphonse's bed, where he was sleeping quietly like a baby, and I smiled slightly. Getting out of my own bed, I tip-toed over to his bed, and crawled in next to him, and covered myself up with the comforter. He didn't stir.
Atleast this could provide me a bit of comfort from my lonliness. I closed my eyes, and mumbled something under my breath before falling asleep; "I'm so lonesome, I could die…"
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist! Although, I wish I did.
I know, I know; "What are you doing writing something like this when you have readers waiting for the next chapter of All's Fair in Love and War?"
Answer: I was laying in bed the other night listening to This Kind of Lonely by Everlast and got instant motivation. Since I've been suffering from writer's block for a while, I needed to get some ideas that where piling up in my brain out. Thank God for my amazing memory (sarcasism).
Well, thank you for reading the first part to this three part story! :D