Her Catastrophe
Rating: PG
Summary: Armageddon comes tomorrow, and Barret – she ain't got no answers. Female!Barret, reflections.
The end of the world is coming, if that meteor exploding through the sky is anything to go by, and now's the time for heroes. But Barret, she ain't so sure she's cut out for that anymore. She holds Marlene, whom she ain't hardly been a mommy to, and tells her it's all gonna be okay. Hell! How should she know, anyway? If Barret's eyes still knew how to shed tears she'd be the one bawlin' right now, because Barret really don't think it's possible right now – for everything to be okay, that is. Even if they stop Sephiroth (even if, man, that sounds so bad but it's true, goddamit) there's still a damned rock in the sky that's aimin' to destroy the Planet, destroy Marlene, destroy everything that ain't already a part of the Lifestream.
Barret can't cry no more, though, grafting a gun to where her right hand used to be was the sign of a promise. A promise to fight, fight, 'cuz that's all she got left these days. A big shot at revenge and giving what's left of her pathetic life to save the Planet. No, she thought she wasn't afraid of dyin', in fact, always seemed like she was living on borrowed time anyway. Like she shoulda died with the rest of 'em back when Shinra burnt down Corel – shoulda died with Myrna. If she were a real woman, she woulda died with Myrna.
That, now that's a real mindblow.
Myrna always wanted kids. Barret told her they'd adopt for sure one day, yeah, when they had enough money and all. Couldn't have their own, 'course, not even Materia (far as Barret knows, anyway) could give a pair a' dykes their own kid. Still, hell knew there were enough orphans out there, especially in ol' Corel. They coulda done it, the pair of them. Myrna was woman enough for the both of them. Truth was, though, Barret didn't want a baby, not one damn bit. She ain't no mommy material, she thought, and she ain't no one for any kid to look up to. She worked in the coal mines, and she wanted to come home to Myrna, make love, an' leave it at that. Life was good like that. Maybe quiet an' dusty, just like Corel, but at least it was somethin' she knew.
But all that... that life is gone now. Can't go back to that anymore than a train can go backwards.
The end of the world is coming, and Barret thinks for a moment that maybe there ain't no point in fighting for the dead. Biggs, Wedge, Jessie, Aeris, Dyne... Myrna. The list, it's damn long and Barret thinks if she dies tomorrow, at least the Lifestream will be cozy. She ain't afraid to die, she tells herself, she's done a lot of stupid shit and put her life on the line time and time again. She ain't afraid to die. She ain't afraid to die.
"Mommy?" Marlene, just four years old, whimpers, tucked in a blanket on her lap with her face pressed against Barret's breast. "I'm scared."
And Barret, she feels a scratch in her nose and a lump in her throat and holds on to Marlene with the only hand she's got. What she wants to say is me too, baby, but ain't no good mother in the world gonna say that to their kid.
So instead, she says, "Ain't nothing gonna happen to you! Believe me, baby, ain't nothing gonna happen to you. Mommy's gonna make sure of that!"
Marlene nods and smiles and says she believes her, but her little hands clutch Barret's tank top all the tighter. She ain't asleep but she pretends to be, murmuring mommy every now and again as she stirs.
Barret don't deserve this. Barret don't deserve Marlene, and she sure as hell don't deserve her trust. But she has it all now, for every damn thing she's lost she's got to keep the most precious. Cloud said, find something worth fightin' for or there's no point in fightin' at all. Barret always knew what she was fighting for, that was definitely never a question. Now she jus' need the courage to leave and the heart to know it might be the last good-bye.
Ain't nothing gonna happen to you. Mommy's gonna make sure of it.
The words go on like a mantra until it's booming in her head and her heart is beating and she's sure she sees Meteor shakin' in the sky. Somehow, it's only those words that are keepin' Barret sane and knowing that if she's going down tomorrow, she's going to go down with a vengeance.
-fin
Author's Notes:
-This was written as a Christmas present for starsplinter, who requested femme!Barret due to our joking about how cool that would be. I'm not sure if the result is really female-specific, and would probably be more sensible if Barret was just his canon manly self, but at any rate I had fun writing. :)
Thanks for reading!