"You cannot be serious. You simply just cannot be!"
The sarcasm in Tamatoa's voice was unmistakable. Maui leaned on his fishhook, a pair of bored eyes watching a humongous crab scuttle from one end of the cave to the next, wringing his pincers amid his venting. The demigod sighed. This was going to be a long visit.
"Just give away heart of Te Fiti like it's some useless trinket! Makes sense. Never mind the monsters who plan on making good use of it!"
If by 'good use,' you mean hoarding it on your shell. Maui thought with a roll of his eyes.
Tamatoa continued ranting. "You know, all things considering, I've forgiven all of your other previous little mishaps. You using a monster's entails to lasso the sun?" He spread out his claws. "Other monsters might take offense to that. But me?" His eyestalks twisted in Maui's direction, the rest of the body following. "I like you, Maui. We understand each other on a spiritual level, you and me. It's hard to find anyone else who has an appreciation for the finer things in life. And by that, I mean our appearances, of course. You get that, Maui."
Maui rubbed the bridge of his nose (an action surely mimicked by Mini Maui). This was precisely why he almost didn't come down here. Listening to this on a daily basis would be enough to drive any demigod insane. At his best, the crab was tolerable. One of those "you respect me and I respect you" kind of deals.
"Crabcakes," he said, "can we cut this short? I have places to be, heroics to do, the whole demigod shtick."
"So, why are you doing this for them, hm?" Tamatoa asked, quirking his eyestalks in an inquisitive manner.
"Thought I kind of established this already."
"The only thing you established is how desperate you are, Maui." After catching the demigod's flinch, Tamatoa grinned. "Yeah, don't try to deny it. This is all this has ever been to you. All you want is those puny humans' approval."
Maui turned away during Tamatoa's speech, masking his face. He didn't have to admit anything to him. There was nothing to admit. He strode towards the exit.
"Hey! Don't walk away from me, Maui!"
"You're not my mother, crabcakes."
"No." The crab sounded smug. "I wouldn't have abandoned you."
Maui stopped. His clenched the handle of his fishhook so tightly that it quivered in his fist.
"Say whatever you want, Tamatoa," the demigod said, coldness setting in. "You're not changing my mind."
He resumed his trek for the exit, or he would have had the crab's leg not blocked it off.
"I'm warning you now, Maui," Tamatoa said, narrowing his eyes. "You don't want to make an enemy out of me."
The thought of Tamatoa of all monsters being his adversary made Maui laugh. He's taken on coconuts tougher than this guy. Tamatoa certainly took offense of that reaction, rearing back from the demigod like he had been smacked between the eye stalks.
"Oh, not taking me seriously, are you?" he asked, glaring all the fiercer. "This is all some kind of big joke to you, is it?!"
His pincer shot downward. Maui rolled out of the way, the pincer slamming into the sand beside him. The demigod scowled and struck back the other appendage.
"Really don't want to have to fight you, crabcakes."
"Then you should have thought of that before coming down here!"
Maui parried one claw after the other, staying on the defensive. He didn't come here to fight, after all. Only to set the record straight that the Heart of Te Fiti was not being reserved as a trophy for a narcissistic crab's collection.
Tamatoa swiped at Maui's head, but the latter ducked. Maui gave himself some berth to begin shapeshifting, only for the transformation to be aborted when Tamatoa knocked the fishhook from his grasp. As the hook skittered off out of arm-reach, the crab rammed his leg into Maui's gut, pinning him to the sand.
"If I can't change your mind," said the crab, "then you're never leaving here alive!"
Maui managed a smirk despite the discomfort of having a claw dug through his skin. "Then I only have one thing left to say." He pointed off to the left. "Something shiny!"
The crab whipped his head around. "Where?!"
And with that distraction, Maui wrenched himself free, earning a note of surprise from Tamatoa. The demigod threw himself across the sand and nabbed his fishhook, just as the crab came upon him. Tamatoa's attempt to grab the demigod only resulted in him grasping empty air as Maui transformed into a lizard and scampered behind the crab. In a flash, he changed back and struck one of Tamatoa's legs with his hook.
Tamatoa screamed, the other legs buckling beneath him. Maui used that opportunity to take off from the cave in his hawk form, Tamatoa's screams of rage echoing from below.
"You're dead, Maui! You hear me?! Dead! The next time you show your face down here, you're dead!"
Maui kept his eyes on the incoming surface, his flight pattern never faltering.
He made the right call. He was sure of it.