Is everybody as bored as I am during winter break? I swear I'm going to start taking knitting classes or something to fill up my time. But instead, I choose to write. So I've been sitting in this coffee shop for the past...**checks time**...4 hours doing nothing but write and facebook :P I've decided to start up this new fic I've been mentally working on for the past month. It's a Bellatrix AU story because I wanted to tackle something entirely different and I've never done a AU fic before. Hopefully it will still be good...

Warnings: This story will be disturbing and dark and graphic. Don't let the first few chapters fool you! It is not as clean as my other stories!

About this chapter: this isn't going to be about religion, even though she speaks of God at first. She just mentions that because it shapes her thoughts later on in the story. No...she doesn't become a nun :P

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

Remember people! Reviews = LOVE!

September 28th 2011

My teacher today spoke of God as if he were real. I do believe that is against school policy. Religion and education are no longer compatible…but I digress.

What I wanted to say is that Professor Sprout spoke of God as if he (or she, for all we know) existed. She asked us if we felt empty sometimes. She asked if we could feel something missing in our bodies, in our mind. The exact term she used was "soul" but the mention of God is hard enough to tolerate without bringing souls into this whole ordeal.

Do I feel empty? What a question! It pains me to admit, even now in the privacy of my own journal, that for the first time Professor Sprout had pricked my curiosity. And while other pathetic mediocre students instantly began spewing quotes from Nietzsche and Hobbes, I sat still and listened to the familiar emptiness in my head…

Good God! I'm making myself sound daft! "The familiar emptiness in my head"… I knew I shouldn't have written this in pen! But I've promised myself I would always write the truth and so I write in pen to protect the truth from myself. Protect the truth… How on earth I was born into a world of politics?

Perhaps I should have said: "the familiar emptiness in my heart" but I have no patience for that mushy talk of the heart and the soul. So I say head. But do not get me wrong; I am not dumb in the least. Women like me who are born into the very best of families and grow up surrounded by the most eloquent and practiced of people cannot possibly be dumb. In fact, I am much smarter than the average university student.

What was my point again? Oh yes…this talk of emptiness and God. Well, as I was saying, I listened to this familiar emptiness that kept on growing within me. It grows at the same pace I do. Every year, it takes more space in my body until I can almost hear it echoing against my bones and flesh.

Well, Professor Sprout said that there were scientific studies being made on the hypothesis that human beings create the image of God. She said that humans imagine God because it creates the illusion of nurturance and protection. But this has all already been debated on. What is interesting is that this new theory believes that a human being's natural mechanism is designed to believe in a higher power. So it isn't just for simpletons with weak minds. According to Professor Sprout, everyone believes in a force greater than us.

She went on to explain how many humans with something crucial lacking in their lives will feel God calling to them. God appears to those who cannot find peace. God appears to those who feel pain. That is what she said.

Did God appear to those who feel nothing?

Is he calling for me? Is he the one creating this echo in me? Is he the one pounding in my hollow chest? I can feel him all around him. My arms are outstretched towards him but I catch nothing but the air.

I know this sounds foolish. If my father were to ever read this he would have me sent to an insane asylum! And that simply would not do, especially when he expects me to become the youngest woman in Parliament. After all, I am to upkeep the carefully polished Black name just as my father has done and his father before him.

I feel no resentment towards him. It is only natural that I should be trained in such a manner. I will become a politician like my forefathers. That is what I want. Still…I cannot help but feel frustration towards the world and I do not know why. All I can say for certain is that, try as I might, I cannot find perfection. There are things that escape even me and it infuriates me.

So God…if you are truly part of my imagination, created to help me feel complete, I ask you to help me become perfect.

Teach me to be perfect.

And then I'll be complete.