And then it happened, everything I told myself I didn't want. He kissed me. His lips ever so delicately skidded onto the marred flesh of my palm. Oh how I just wanted to hold onto him and never let him go, kiss him with the fire burning deep inside my heart. But no. I had to turn my back on him, not because he's Patrick, but because i'm married. To God. I wish he could be mine, but I must put those thoughts away. Don't be vain Shelagh, you have a promise, keep it. I told myself, hoping to change my mind. That night I walked into the chapel and prayed as hard as I could. The tears fell down my face and I didn't even hear Sister Julienne walk in behind me. It wasn't until she sat down and pulled me into nearly her lap on the floor that I realized she was there. I cried. It seemed like hours had passed, but she never asked one question. I sobbed and sobbed, just listening to her soft humming, her hands stroking my back through the thick habit. Her touch was soothing, it was the touch only a mother could give. That's when it truly hit me. She was My mother.
''Crackles, on both side." I wanted to scream, but my vows told me not to. I wanted to cry, but my heart told me if I did he would hold me. So I nodded and held it in. I dressed for bed later that night, and waited. When she walked in I cried, just one look at her was enough to know I was safe. She nearly dropped her tea rushing to me, I didn't mean to cry, but I did. She hugged me tightly and pressed a kiss to my forehead. ''I'll be right back'' She said, I didn't want her to go, I needed her. When she returned she had a book in her hand, and was in her dressing gown. She slid into my bed with me and wrapped her arms around me. Her words were so soothing, and I said it. It just slipped out, the thoughts i'd been holding in for ten years, just, flooded out. '"Mother" She held me a bit tighter and snuggled into the warm covers, taking my hand in hers. "It's okay, mummy's here, And she Promises to take the bad things away." In that moment, I believed her. I knew if I had her nothing could hurt me, TB wouldn't stop me, but that it wouldn't be scary and I'd be okay. Even if I died, I had her.
I was lost, I had taken the wrong bus and I was lost and scared. But he found me, I was cold, but I wouldn't tell him that. When he felt my forehead, my legs tried to buckle but I caught myself. He wrapped his coat around me tightly and I felt safe. I was lost and he was on the right road. We went to the car and he made sure I was in safe before he shut my door. Timothy had fallen asleep, the angel was so sweet when he was sleeping. Soon he would be my angel too. Patrick made a stop at an unfamiliar place, Timothy got out and ran up to the door, silly me, this was granny Parker's home. Patrick returned to the car and once again we drove to somewhere I didn't know. I asked why we were here, he replied in his husky voice that made me feel so safe "Alone." I took and deep breath and moved closer to him, he pulled me onto his lap and held me close. "I thought I'd lost you'' I felt his hot tears on my collar bone and he felt mine on his cheek. We stayed like this for ages, hands interlocked and never letting go, and just being with each other.
I walked into Nonnatus, more scared then I have ever been in my life, the Blitz was nothing compared to this. I swallowed back tears and knocked on the door. When I entered, she was there. She was holding back her tears as well. I signed the papers and that was that, I was Shelagh now, Sister Bernadette long gone and not to be seen again. I hurt her, my mother. It was a wound that only I could fix. When Christmas eve came, and Timothy was sick, I was turned away from the ward. I had no where to go, but to her. I was in tears, fearing for my son and his father, they were alone. I though she would turn me away, but instead she said something that nearly stopped my heart. "You've come home." She didn't care that it was only for a little bit. She set up a cot by her own so she could know I was safe. I trembled that night, and she held me, holding my hand just like she did many months before. I was so lost, my wedding had crumpled, my son was near death, and my fiancee was ripping at the seams and I couldn't be there to hold him together.
When the wedding came, everyone was there. My dress was out of a dream and my bouquet was beautiful and supported by my bible. Having my mothers blessing meant more to me than getting married. As I walked up the isle it felt like I was walking to the home that was once ripped away from me, the place of hope and safety that I needed. Now everything I'd ever could have wished for came true. Our hands met at the alter and after all the waiting and pain we went through, we found out Eden.