The lights were on. Vera was adjusting the microphone clipped to her blazer. She sauntered out onto the soundstage, waving her hands at the audience while the title flashed VERA! into thousands of households. The episode title appeared beneath her name: I was a loser, but look at me now!
Vera flashed a smile as the audience sat down. "Today's episode is all about lifestyle makeovers. All of are guests are here to share their stories of overcoming hardships and becoming more successful than they ever imagined." On cue, the audience erupted into applause and Vera flashed the smile again. "Our first guest is a minor celebrity here in New York. He's worked for the Ghost Busters organization, but he's currently at work on an autobiography entitled My Life in Slime. Please give a warm welcome to Slimer."
The ghost who floated out to greet Vera was dressed in a pinstripe suit tailored to fit his unique blob shape. Silver cufflinks sparkled at the end of his skinny arms. He air-kissed Vera on the cheek, careful not to touch her padded shoulders with his slimy hands.
"It's so great to have you here, Slimer. Please, sit."
Slimer hovered over the adjacent chair, crossing ectoplasm over ectoplasm.
Vera slipped a piece of her blonde bob behind her ear. "So Slimer, most people will know you as the ghost who worked for the Ghost Busters here in New York for many years. What made you give it up?"
Slimer cleared his throat and spoke slowly and evenly. "Well Vera, there were so many things about being at Ghost Busters that weren't right for me. For one thing, I'm a ghost. At first, that didn't bother me. But when I really started to think about it, to step back and look at what I'd become, it really frightened me. I'd become a self-hating ghost."
Vera nodded, carefully resting her chin on her hand to give the effect of listening. "I remember seeing you with the Ghost Busters on a press junket, oh, I guess it was about fifteen years ago now. You looked a lot different."
A picture flashed on the monitors. It showed the green ghost – naked, with his tongue hanging wildly, missing one front tooth.
"Yeah," Slimer said, "I sounded a lot different too."
"Tell us more about that."
"Well, you know, I wasn't being taken seriously. I mean, I'm at least a hundred years older than everyone I worked with and they just treated me like a child or a pet because I couldn't communicate very well." Slimer shook his head. "It was really hard. I mean, I didn't have any ghost friends, unless you count the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and he was in the Ecto Containment Chamber most of the time. I couldn't date. I was so depressed I started eating all the time. I never gained any weight so my downward spiral seemed unending."
Vera nodded, reaching out to touch his sleeve. "Talk about the change. What happened exactly?"
"One day I just woke up and had enough. Peter yelled at me for accidently sliming him – it was always an accident and I'd just had enough. I couldn't fight back in my current state. So I borrowed some money from Janine to get my tooth replaced, bought some nice clothes and started speech therapy. It took a long time. You have to understand that these guys were relentless in their image of me. It was hard for them to believe I could be anything more than a punch line or an experiment."
The monitor brought up his old image again. "Once I realized how much I'd changed, I just decided to quit the Ghost Busters because I knew I had to do better things with my life. And from the money I'll make from my book deal, I'll be able to pay Janine back and move to Manhattan."
"Wow," Vera said. "Wow. That's fantastic. And what's more, we have a special guest on the show for you today."
"Really?" Slimer rotated to look behind him.
"He's a friend of yours and a possible future roommate for that new Manhattan penthouse," Vera said smiling. "Come on out!"
A rumbling shook the soundstage as the Stay Puft Marshmallow man squeezed himself from backstage, taking down large chunks of the walls.
"Big Guy!" Slimer shouted, flying up to wrap one gooey arm in a huge.
"LET'S GO GET ICE CREAM," the SPMM boomed.
Vera was having second thoughts about this surprise guests and could see her audience was too, but was determined to make it work. "But you still have to stay for the rest of the show."
"I thought I would never see you again," Slimer said, tears welling up in his oversized eyes.
"LET'S GO GET ICE CREAM," the giant repeated. He moved towards the audience and a simultaneous scream rose up from the stands. Vera cowered in her chair. Cameraman were covered in thick marshmallow creme, as the SPMM barreled past them, into the stands, tearing them, and then the entire building in half as he exited the front door, leaving a trail of sugary bodies.
"This isn't really great for my publicity," Slimer said, hovering by the SPMM's ear.
"BEN AND JERRY'S. BEN AND JERRY'S."
Slimer patted the SPMM's shoulder, leaving tiny slimeprints. Over the sound of the whole city's terror, he yelled. "I can always use a pen name, I guess. Let's go get ice cream, buddy."