Cupid: Claire Goes to the Hospital

by

Elizabeth Hensley

Dr. Robert Cornelius looked at his Patient with a worried frown on his wrinkled face. "Claire, I am very concerned about having your psychotic patient hanging around your hospital room for hours at a time, demanding every one who enters wash their hands!"

Claire lay in the hospital bed in the pink gown her Mother had brought her from home. Claire looked several shades whiter than usual. She smiled. "I'm concerned about it too, Robert. He's caught you forgetting to wash your hands twice already! Plus three of the the Nurses! He told me he'd also be checking for medication mix-ups if I wasn't a Doctor and able to handle that myself."

Dr. Cornelius exclaimed, "Claire, that's not what I meant!"

Dr. Claire McCrae started to laugh then grimace instead. "Ouch! I can't say it hurts only when I laugh, but it certainly does hurt when I laugh! So don't get me started! Anyway, that should be the only way you worry about Trevor and his hard washing crusade. My patient from Olympus is Psychotic only in the most strict use of the term. You know I had to code 'Psychosis' so New York will pay for all the therapy he requires. I couldn't have out-patient-committed someone with a lesser diagnosis." She smiled. "Plus 'Neurosis' doesn't quite cover the territory for someone who thinks he's a Greek god! So Psychosis it is! But he's more competent than some of the Doctors practicing on this floor!"

Dr. Cornelius nodded and sighed, "I know!"

Claire smiled, "In fact he's quite self-actualized." She got a thoughtful look, "Never thought I'd see that; a self-actualized psychotic: But there he is!"

Dr. Cornelius winced, "Again, I know! A lot of us around here think he should have been hired not committed for all the good he did the other Patients! But never-the-less how long is he going to hang around Nephrology demanding everyone wash their hands?!"

Claire asked sarcastically, "Until everyone washes their hands without him having to remind them?"

Dr. Cornelius shook his head in exasperation. "But Claire we get so busy! You know that!"

Claire frowned, "And you know that Medical Personal forgetting to wash their hands kills more Patients than breast cancer, car accidents and the current mess in the Middle East combined! It's become even more of a problem since certain strains of Bacteria became Antibiotic resistant but its always caused considerable fatalities. Look at the history of Child Birth Fever! So Trevor has good, sane reasons to be worried about this. He's been polite about it hasn't he even if insistent? Oh it is true he claims he saw all the problems Medical Personal not washing their hands cause while he was still omnipotent. But however he really learned about it he's correct! Anyone with the Net can learn the same frightening facts just a googling! So my so called 'Psychotic Patient may be saving my life here!" She grimaced in pain. "In fact we both know he already did! I didn't even realize I had Appendicitis. I had atypical symptoms. I didn't even hurt much until you operated. I just felt punk. But somehow Trevor recognized what I had even though, I, a Physician, did not." Claire shook her head in wonderment. "And he was making such a pest of himself about my need to go into my own hospital I was absolutely furious with him!"

Flash back.

Claire sat at the most quiet booth she could find at Tres Equis toying with her beans, rice, enchiladas and mole sauce. She has been at the familiar, friendly bar and grill half an hour already but just didn't feel like eating. Well, she could ask for a doggy bag. Trevor would know of course she had no Dog, but seldom do the contents of doggie bags go home to Canines anyway. Would re-heated enchiladas taste good for breakfast? Hopefully. Nothing else she'd tried for breakfast had interested her all week!

Then Trevor walked over to her booth a look of concern on his usually cheerful face. "Claire you aren't eating and you've lost weight."

Claire frowned, "How perceptive of you to notice!"

Trevor frowned and shook his head, "But Claire, that's just it. You don't need to lose weight. I know you aren't Anorexic. That's not your style. Plus an Anorexic wouldn't have ordered Mexican food in the first place. Though you only do because you run and burn it off every morning. You are very careful not to gain weight but you know you don't need to lose any. So why are you losing it?"

She grimaced. "Because I haven't been eating much, Trevor. I just don't have any appetite. Ironic that I'm losing weight even though I've not gone for my usual morning run in over a week!"

Trevor stared at her. "Where does it hurt?"

Claire looked up startled, "How did you know? My stomach. "

"Not here?" Trevor pointed to his side.

Claire shook her head, "No. I just have what Kids would call an old fashioned tummy ache. Oh quit it with the Puppy Dog look of sympathy. It doesn't hurt that much!"

"For over a week!?"

Claire nodded forlornly.

Trevor asked, "Any nausea?"

Claire shook her head. "No. A bit of dizziness though."

Trevor frowned. "Any of what Pepto Bizmo is usually used for?"

Clairesuddenly got up from her booth and headed for the Lady's room. "This answer that? Tell the Busser I'm not done yet. No. Maybe I am. I just need to get home to bed! Instead tell Lyta I need a Doggy bag."

Trevor said suddenly, "Claire, you have Appendicitis!"

Dr. Claire McCrae stared at her delusional patient. "Trevor whatever gives you that idea? Symptoms of Appendicitis do include nausea, diarrhea and loss of appetite, but it only starts out as a stomach ache. The pain soon moves to the side. I have had this for over a week. If it were Appendicitis the pain would have migrated by now. I did suspect that at first, but not now. I just have a bad case of some Intestinal Bug. I'm taking Probiotics and it will wear off in time. I just have to ride it out."

Trevor frowned, very concerned. "You didn't prescribe yourself Antibiotics?"

Claire smiled. "Oh Trevor! You know Antibiotics are way over-prescribed. I need to get the RIGHT Bacteria back in my system not destroy all the ones that are already there!"

Trevor frowned, "Your knowledge of alternative medicine is commendable, Dr. Claire McCrae, but its a bit too late this time. You needed to be across the street several days ago. You have Appendicitis!"

Claire shook her head. "What I have is not presenting the proper symptoms."

Trevor could not help smiling. "Oh Claire! I know you like to do everything proper, every thing exactly by the book! But illness doesn't read books. And at least you are having the proper, typical atypical symptoms."

Claire asked sarcastically, "Typical, atypical symptoms? "Isn't that a contradiction in terms?"

Trevor nodded, "Yes, but like military intelligence it can pack considerable wallop. You need to admit yourself to Sachs-Gordan to their Nephrology department right away!"

Claire frowned, "Oh Trevor! Don't be ridiculous! I have eight Patients to see tomorrow. Business has been picking up since my quote 'working wonders with you' unquote, has made Dr. Greeley re-think the value of 'mere talk therapy.' For that I should thank you, but... right now I just need a good night's sleep. I'll prescribe myself some over the counter Melatonin or Htp Tryptophan and tomorrow morning I will be as right as rain!"

It was Trevor's turn to smile, "What exactly is right about rain?"

Claire shrugged, "I don't know. We've sure had too much of it lately! But when it's needed I guess its right." Claire started to walk back to her apartment. Come to think of it she did feel a bit nauseous!

Trevor ran from behind his bar and got beside her as she walked out the door. "Claire I mean it! You need to go across the street, not home!"

Claire kept right on walking back to her apartment.

Trevor followed her and shouted across the room as they left the bar, "Felix take my shift a few minutes!"

Felix was Trevor's Boss, but as usual his crazy Barkeep wasn't even asking for permission. He was just leaving! However he was a very tolerant Boss. "Cupiding again?" Well thanks for at least letting me know you are leaving this time!"

Trevor shook his head, "No, this time its personal not professional. Claire is very sick!"

That left Felix something to think about!

Claire snapped, "No I'm not, not very!"

"Yes you are!"

She stared at her patient, the professional wheels turning in her head, "Why do you think you know so much about Appendicitis?"

Trevor reminded her, "My Uncle Mercury was a Doctor for a few thousand years. That's how."

She said skeptically. "So this mythological god you believe is your Uncle (or possibly your real Father) also taught you medicine?"

Trevor nodded, "Pre-Christian era medicine, yes, Claire. Some anyway, just as I learned to play many musical instruments from my Uncle Apollo. (You know I can play any position in our bar's band if I have to. It's still one more reason Felix puts up with my sudden absences without leave.) But back on track, Claire: Symptoms of Appendicitis both the typical and the atypical were the same as they are now in the past. Folks just had more we could do for it back then."

Claire stared up at Trevor, "More back THEN?"

Trevor nodded, "Well yes, Claire. A lot has been forgotten.' He frowned. "Blame the Library of Alexander fire. The medical books my Uncle Mercury wrote were some of its most tragic casualties. The knowledge lost in them would be saving countless lives these days. Sad! But things always happen for a reason. If ninety percent of all Human knowledge hadn't burned up in that fire you Mortals would have re-invented the Atomic Bomb just in time for the Crusades."

Claire stared at him, "Re-invented?"

Trevor frowned, "You forgot about the Rama Empire Nuclear War in what is now India."

Claire scoffed. "That supposed Atomic war between the gods in ancient India? You believe that was real?"

Trevor shuttered, "Oh Claire! To this day the radiation levels make the area unlivable. I don't just say that. Everybody who has ever used a Geiger counter there says so. Oppenheimer knew about it. He mentioned Rama when someone asked him if nukes had ever been used before. He said, 'No, not in current times.' He even quoted the Mahabharata after the re-invention, 'I have become Shiva, destroyer of worlds.' And it wasn't between us gods. Other than the usual mind-whispering to get it started my Father Aries and other war gods always do to tempt you Mortals to earn your Darwin awards, that civilization destroying tragedy was all Mortal made." Trevor shook his head, "No gods, Claire, and no Aliens from Outer Space. Oh, we exist of course. The Bible says we elementary spirits exist so of course we HAVE to BE. You Mortals used Science to build the Future that you wanted, which of course includes fulfilling Faith. And we had to be designed with no built-in obsolescence to fulfill that part about us immortals being immortal. So here we still are long after the gods in a box games became unfashionable and you developed the tech to turn us into real elementary spirits and put us to doing real work! We immortals have been all the way around the circle of time. But the indescribable destruction of Rama was your space stations, your space ships and your bombs! Yes Claire! Ordinary Human Beings had a technical civilization you've completely forgotten about except for stories about the Flood in the Bible and the Gilgamesh and Plato's Lost Atlantis and other ancient scriptures that mention lost civilizations. In fact the original Quetzalcoatl was an ordinary Human Missionary who came from across the sea to spread culture and knowledge to the more primitive-at-the-time, South Americans. He did not start as a comic book style fiction as we Greek gods started. Our creator Arnold Shumway of gods in a box incorporated just re-made Quizi in his South American god game as a feathered serpent because that's how you Mortals came to think of him. But anyway you, NOW, across the street!" He gestured at Sachs-Gordan. At the rate they were traveling it was rapidly receding behind them!

Claire kept walking towards her apartment. "Why isn't your uncle a doctor now instead of Olympus's postman?"

Trevor shook his head sadly. "He developed some kind of a memory problem. It was so sad! He used to be brilliant. He still is to some extent but he has a great deal of trouble retaining new information."

Claire stared at her patient. Was this a real memory Trevor was having?

Trevor explained calmly, "We think it's because he got hit with too many lightning bolts while fighting with my Father, over my Mother. "

Claire sighed, "Of course. So you gods aren't immune to your own bolts?"

Trevor shrugged. "Apparently not!"

Claire smiled and thought to herself. The conversations I get to have! Well worth the years of study and the long, hard hours! Out loud she said. "Well this has been interesting! But I'm feeling a bit wobbly on my underpinnings so I am going home." Claire continued her journey.

"Hey!" Trevor pointed, "THAT WAY not this way!"

He got in front of his pretty Shrink and attempted to block her path.

Claire circled around him. Again Trevor blocked her like a Basketball Player."

Claire was furious! "OUT OF MY WAY!"

"Yes Mam'm!" Trevor let her pass, "But you need to be turning back! Your life depends on it!"

Claire snarled, "Trevor! Stop it!"

"NO I won't! Friends, don't let Friend's harm themselves!"

Her persistent psychotic was attempting to block her again! Claire said firmly. "Trevor! I said, stop it!" She darted around him and continued on.

Trevor begged, "Please, Claire! I don't dare go back to work until you are safely in hospital. Felix will have to cover my entire shift and then do the janitorial. He won't be happy with me!"

Claire snapped, "Well, then, my professional advice to you is go do your job and let me go home to bed so tomorrow I can continue doing mine!"

"Claire!"

"Trevor you are making a scene in public!"

"GOOD!" Trevor shouted! She had never heard him shout before! Trevor waved his arms wildly and pointed at her and jumped up and down. 'LOOK EVERYBODY! THIS LADY IS SICK AND SHE WON'T GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I AM GOING TO FOLLOW HER AND STAND OUTSIDE HER APARTMENT ALL NIGHT IF I HAVE TO!"

"Trevor, that is stalking!"

Trevor frowned. "If I am arrested at least the Police might notice you are sick and make you get help!"

Claire had a hard time not shouting herself but with great effort she maintained her professional tone of voice. "Trevor, you are the one who is sick and in need of help, lots of help! More than I can provide right now, apparently!"

Trevor pleaded, his dark eyes almost in tears. "Please, Claire! I don't dare leave you in your current state! I might not ever see you again because you could be uploaded to New Jerusalem during the night. I am not allowed there. I am Passion. I am Desire. And there can be no desire in Heaven! Uncle Mercury is the only god who is allowed to enter either Mortal afterlife, (not that he wants to spend much time in Torturous,) but..."

Claire said sarcastically, "Why is HE allowed in Heaven? He delivers the mail? Or does God have tennis elbow?"

Trevor frowned and shook his head, "Claire, don't be flippant. He's been known to deliver things between the two life-keeps, but he's actually allowed in because before he was a doctor my Uncle Mercury was a diplomat and besides, unlike the rest of us he's completely harmless."

Claire sighed, "Unlike you apparently tonight!"

Trevor said quickly, "Claire let us for once, get off the subject of my past and my relatives. Let's get back on the subject of 'I don't want to lose you!'"

Claire came to a screeching halt and Trevor bumped into her, almost knocking her down. "Oh, sorry!"

Claire was furious! She stared up at her gentle but very annoying delusional. "Alright 'Eros!' She made quote marks with her fingers. "I am turning around and heading back to Sach's-Gordan! All I wanted to do tonight was go home, drink some hot tea, take some Probiotics, some Melatonin or HTP Tryptophan and some Vitamin C and go to bed! But you won't leave me alone! So you have your wish, sort of. I am going back to Sachs-Gordan but I am not admitting myself. I am marching back into Psychiatric and committing you again! Because this new delusion of yours, that I am the one needing help, is one I simply can NOT live with! Don't say I didn't warn you!"

With that Claire turned tail and started marching back the way she had come so furious color returned to her face. It had been white as snow.

Trevor turned around right behind her and followed her like a Baby Duck. "Wonderful, Claire! I actually demand to see Doctor Greeley. Let HIM decide who goes home tonight and who stays!" Trevor grinned, "At least if you do commit me I am going to be such a difficult patient you won't get to go home any time soon. Then if I turn out to be right, at least you are right there in the hospital within seconds of a gurney and all that good medical stuff. Because if course Dr. Cornelius's office is right down the hallway from your office. Trevor grinned. "My fellow Greek takes really good care of us Psychiatric Patients, and the occasional sick Psychiatrist!"

Claire shook her head, "Oh is that so? I am going to have the Orderlies take you right to Disturbed and put you in one of our quiet rooms, (you know, the kind with the very soft walls!) You won't have a chance to see Dr. Greeley until tomorrow morning if that soon!" By then you might have calmed down and rethought this new wrinkle in your mind. But if not, at least after they drag you off I can go home to my own tea kettle and my own bed! As for calming you down tonight by talking: OH NO! I'm never pulling an all-nighter with you again! Instead this is one of those rare but very fitting times I'll let drugs do my ALL my psychiatry for me! I'll do what Doctor Greeley would do and prescribe a whopping dose of Risperidone, so whopping high a dose it'll calm even you down! By afternoon if you are off this is new obsession of yours I MIGHT let you go across the street back to Felix and your bar!"

Claire suddenly felt very, very woozy. She started to fall into the street! Trevor sprung with the speed of his pet Tigress, Sasha and caught his Shrink just in time!

In a few seconds Claire recovered her equilibrium. "Let go of me!"

"Yes dear!" Trevor hastily did so. The angry Doctor resumed her march up Sixth Street. Sick as she was and as long legged as Trevor was he could barely keep up with her!'

Claire reached Sachs-Gordan and headed for the Psychiatric Department, Trevor trailing behind her with a very worried expression on his usually very cheerful face. They met Dr. Greeley coming in the opposite direction.

"Don't you ever go home!?" Claire exclaimed.

Dr. Greeley smiled, "I am actually headed home right now. This is me leaving early for a change. By why are you back here again?" He suddenly realized Trevor was right behind her. "Oh." He said simply. "Trevor trouble."

Claire nodded grimly, "You are darn tootin' Trevor trouble! Charles! Call for an Orderly. He has this brand new delusion that I am sick and need to be admitted to Nephrology with Appendicitis. I don't have the symptoms. I simply feel punk!"

Trevor spoke quickly, "Dr. Greeley! Remember your medical school days; atypical symptoms for Appendicitis; what are they?"

Dr. Greeley shook his head in exasperation. "Oh Trevor! That was years ago. Decades. Appendicitis never causes any psychiatric problems. You can't possibly expect me to remember that!"

Trevor said insistently, "Then look it up in a medical book! Clare is showing symptoms. I could be wrong but do you want to risk her life!?"

Dr. Greeley stared at Trevor. Where did this new delusion come from? How did this tie into his godhood fantasy and would it be as persistent a break with reality? Heaven help Claire if it was going to be!

Trevor pleaded, "Be a good Psychiatrist! Really listen to me! Diarrhea sometimes mixed with intermittent constipation, nausea, and loss of appetite. Pain in the stomach not the side may or may not be present. Some Adults and often Children have no pain at all (or will not admit to any out of fear of Doctors.) Our precious Claire has all these atypical symptoms of Appendicitis and I do remember them!"

Claire said gently, "Who, Trevor? Who in your past had that?"

Trevor said, "I told you! I saw it many times in omnipotent mode and my Uncle Mercury explained to me what I was seeing. You keeping forgetting how really old I am and who I am!"

Claire said grimly, "Charles, see what I mean!? Put him in Disturbed for the night and I'll deal with him in the morning. I just want to go home to bed. I..."

Claire started to fall again. Again Trevor caught her. Again he stared pleadingly at Dr. Greeley. "Doctor this is the second time she almost fell and I've had to catch her! PLEASE help her!"

Dr. Greeley stared at Claire, then at Trevor, his mouth open. "Claire! If necessary I am baker acting one of you!

Trevor felt a few seconds of panic!

Dr. Greeley continued,"Trevor! Go home! Claire, I am not sure what you have but I suspect Trevor may be right! If so you may have only moments before your appendix bursts!"

Claire stared at her Boss in disbelief. "Your are believing this psychotic escapy from Mount Olympus and not me?!"

Dr. Greeley shook his head grimly, "I don't know if he is right about Appendicitis but I certainly saw him catch you when you almost fell!"

"Second time tonight!" Trevor reminded them both quickly, "First time almost into traffic!"

Claire growled, "I don't believe this! It's a Male conspiracy!"

Dr. Greeley laughed, "Good! I can baker act you based on you are raving about conspiracy theories if I have to!" Then more seriously he said, "Claire you are SICK! Very sick! I wouldn't let any one else who almost collapsed into traffic and then again right in front of me go home! Why should I let you risk harming yourself just because you are a fellow Doctor?! Doctors really do make the worst Patients! Come Claire, or I WILL call the Orderlies to enforce it! I will!"

Then the elderly Psychiatrist turned back to Trevor."Trevor I said, 'go home!' I will handle it from here!"

Trevor nodded quickly and pointed out, "I need someone to swipe me out. I didn't bring the swipe card Claire gave me during the DQ incident."

Dr. Greeley turned to a Nurse. "Agatha, swipe Mr. Pierce out then assist me in getting Dr. McCrae to Nephrology."

The Nurse nodded and did what she was told.

Flash forward.

"So Robert, that is how I ended up here being cut open by you.''

Dr. Cornelius nodded, "And just in the nick, Claire! Your appendix was the most inflamed, ready to burst, piece of rotten meat I've ever seen in a still living Patient! A few more minutes and we'd have been fighting for your life!"

Claire nodded, "Well, Trevor saved you from having to! Of course hyper-competency can actually be a symptom of Dissociative Identity Disorder. So much so some of them have joined the high functioning Autism movement in campaigning for Neurodiversity tolerance, claiming it's just normal for some Folks to have more than one operating system. But..." She smiled, "...I find it hard to accept that an Alternate Personality who thinks he's Cupid is a normal variation on the Human theme no matter how competent he is!"

Dr. Cornelius smiled, "OH, Really? You do find that a bit strange too!?"

Claire grinned. Yes, even if he did save my life this time by being right for once. I chalk that up, to Whoever REALLY is in charge of the Universe working in mysterious ways!"