She looks at him with an unusual shyness that she hasn't encountered before.
He looks back at her with inquisitive eyes, desperately roaming into hers to gauge any idea of where this conversation will take them.
Her hands are trembling as she passes the envelope over. He doesn't even need to open it; he can see the stamp printed bold as brass across the front. As he looks up she tries not to see the disappointment in his eyes.
"Yale." He murmurs as he passes his own envelope over to her. "It's what you've always wanted."
She feels her heart break as she looks to his envelope, understanding his disappointment and trepidation in even having the conversation to begin with. He had to know – surely he had always known that this was how it would be?
"Princeton." She whispers, afraid of speaking in case her voice cracks and betrays the confidence she so desperately needs to show.
He watches her carefully and she can almost hear his thoughts whirring away as he searches for the appropriate next sentence. It's tragic because he always knows what to say, she thinks.
"New Jersey isn't even that - " He tries to say but his voice just withers and dies. "I'm sure there's a train or something."
"Bellamy." She doesn't question, she doesn't sympathize. She says his name like a statement and reaches for his hand.
"I mean they're in almost neighboring states, this shouldn't feel so - " As he speaks he reaches a higher pitch and squeezes her hand hard as if afraid to ever let go.
"Bell." She says again, still not a question. "Stop it. We'll make this work."
His eyes glance up to meet hers, his question and insecurities screaming their way out: Are you sure?
"We'll make this work. We have to." She remains defiant and refuses to crumble under the weight of this new realization.
He nods in agreement but he's not too sure why. "Why?" So he asks.
"Because I'm in love with you and we're damn lucky that we're so close. We could be opposite sides of the country so we need to be grateful for what we do have and not drown ourselves in what we don't."
He tries so hard to focus on what she is saying because he knows deep down that she is right, that compared to other horror stories he has heard, they stand more of a chance than anyone. But his brain lingers on her first sentence. It's inappropriately timed and he should be agreeing with her reasoning wholeheartedly by now but he can only muster the smallest of smiles and look right at her.
She's flushing slightly with the reality of her confession and what isn't happening afterwards. Her hair is a little wild under the anticipation of this moment but her eyes are stone cold with fear, betraying her cool exterior and proving just how sincere she is about her feelings.
"Hey." He tugs on her hand gently until she meets his eyes and the tension withers slightly. "I'm in love with you."
He never thought this would be the way they admitted it. He assumed that it would be romantic, in the throes of passion or at a much more sentimental point than the moment when they realized they were to be ripped apart but it was strangely perfect. He was adamant that no 'I love you too' would pass his lips. It was a cheap response, over-used and almost cold how it so easily agreed with the obvious 'I love you' whether it was true or not. It was a potentially easy lie to slip into and he was so sure he could never do that to anyone. He couldn't do that to Clarke.
He pulls her close as she lets the envelope slip from her hands. It lies discarded, almost forgotten next to them as he cradles her gently, rocking her ever so slightly. She wraps her arms around him and rests her chin on his shoulder, releasing the breath she didn't know she had been holding.
"We'll be fine." He reassures her, whispering into her hair. He inhales and loses himself briefly in the scent of her shampoo and perfume, mixing to create one of his new-found weaknesses. "Everything will slot into place and we'll be better than we've ever been."
He kisses her neck exactly where he knows she likes it and holds her a little tighter, both of them ignoring the pang in their hearts which tells them just how uncertain the situation really is. High school romances don't last.
The air is thick throughout summer but not because of the unexpected stifling heat or overwhelming number of heat-waves. It is thick with the tension, with the uncertainty that comes with the next big step but mostly with the lack of communication. Bellamy knows he has to push Clarke to talk to him, to formulate some kind of schedule but his attempts are in vain and he can feel them breaking before they even try.
"So do you think you'll be home before Thanksgiving?" He asks tentatively as she begins packing her winter clothes into boxes. Half of her room is packed away ready for her move the next week. He hasn't even begun to think about any of it.
"I'm not even there yet." She teases, brushing her bangs away from her face and fanning herself with the nearest 'Good Luck!' card she can find. Her relatives were useless when she needed them but they knew how to send the generic card and well-wishes so as not to seem completely disinterested. "Honestly, I'm not sure if I'll bother with Thanksgiving." She mumbles, trying to let it slip by without his notice.
"Why not?" He asks, louder than before and less careful with how he holds himself back all the time these days.
"I don't have anything to come back for." She admits so freely, so easily as though it's not tearing her boyfriend into pieces to hear her disregard him.
He tries to think of a reasonable and calm response but the second he opens his mouth, his voice betrays him. "Not even me?" He croaks.
"What do you mean?" She's exasperated and clearly bored of the conversation already, throwing a sweater into the nearest box and turning with her hands firmly attached to her hips.
He almost gives up. He's spent his whole summer doing just that and letting these moments pass right by but with only a week left, he knows it can't go on like this. He was once the elusive one, the one who was so willing to bring her world crashing down until it fell to pieces all by itself. He had been the one to reject her again and again and hold all his grudges against her but somewhere in the middle of it all she had become his whole world. They had already had so little time together. He would never forgive himself if he didn't at least try now.
"You have me, Clarke. Is there really nothing to come back for?" He hates how weak and pained he sounds but she had surely heard every facet to his emotions by now.
"But I don't need to wait for Thanksgiving for you." She appears genuinely confused, tilting her head to the side like a confused puppy and suddenly all he wants is to pick her up and hold her until she squirms, ready for freedom but loving him all the same.
He raises his eyebrows in surprise and she notices. He's not sure he understands but a nagging voice in his head is reminding him of how stupid he is every time he doubts her.
She glides towards him where he sits on her bed. She climbs onto his lap, a knee either side of his thighs and her arms tangled behind his neck. "We're only two or three hours apart." She states but he already knows this. "It's not like you've vanished to Illinois like Lexa. You're so close I'll be able to tell when you've not showered." She jokes, pulling an arm back to poke him on the end of his nose. He can't help but close his eyes and smile, trying not to show his shame.
"So what are you saying?" He looks up at her now, everything wishing for the right answer and finally he feels confident he will get it.
"I thought we'd alternate weekends and figure out a schedule for mid-terms and finals when they come up. We are on the same page here, right?" Suddenly the tables and turned and he almost enjoys that she's the uncertain one. He can't revel in it for too long though as he quickly realizes that she's never been afraid to voice her concerns. He really should never have doubted her.
"We're absolutely on the same page." He beams up at her. "I just wanted to make sure."
"You were testing me?" She teases, squeezing her legs against his slightly. He runs his hands up her sides before folding them around her and pulling her close, resting his forehead on her shoulder.
"Nope." He grins. "I never doubted you for a second." He lies so easily and from the flicker of concern in her eyes, he's positive she knows. But he can't bring himself to have that conversation today. Some things can wait.
The following week he drives Clarke and her belongings down to New Haven, moves her into her dorm and when she begs him to stay just one night before driving back, his heart breaks a little. He knows he has an early flight and this is her trying to hold onto him for as long as he can. She cries a little when announces he has to leave and as he grabs her face and gives her his last, desperate and most loving of kisses she wipes the tear that falls down his face discreetly.
"I love you." He whispers as he leans down to meet her forehead.
"I love you more." She laughs, pulling him closer. She slips something into his back pocket before patting it and pulling away. "But you have to go now before this becomes unbearable. Don't open that until you get there and you're settled." She instructs pointing in the direction of his jeans.
"I'll call you and I'll be back as soon as you want me, okay?" He smoothes down her hair and trails his hand down her arm until they are joined only by their fingertips.
Her face screws up with fresh tears and despite knowing this isn't how he wants to remember her; he can't help but love how honest she is with her feelings.
"Don't you ever forget how much I love you, Bell." She tells him with a fierce edge to her tone, clutching at his hand and pulling him towards her. They collide in one final, messy and quick kiss before she literally shoves him out of the door and slams it in his face.
He won't ever tell her how he stands there for at least five minutes listening to how hard she cries on the other side.
She calls him on Skype three days after he moves in at Princeton but there's no answer.
How are you settling in? she texts on the fourth day. She waits until she falls asleep but there's no response.
He returns to his dorm room on the fifth day to find seven missed calls and one blank voicemail. He tries to call back instantly but her phone goes straight to voicemail and he doesn't have the energy to leave a message. He'll text her tomorrow.
Three weeks later and they've exchanged three Skype calls, four text message conversations and a couple of late-night phone calls whereby they share their agonizing work load, social obligations with new friends and societies and complain about which professors already have it in for them.
They sign off their calls with an obligatory 'I love you' each but it's beginning to lose its sparkle.
For Clarke, a boy in her lit class is showing his interest.
"A guy asked me out today." She casually drops into a phone call they've managed to schedule in around hectic homework, project and campus priorities. "He says he's liked me for a while which is kind of strange because I'm pretty sure I've never spoken to him."
The pause and careful breathing at the other end of the line doesn't escape her notice.
"What did you say?" He asks.
"I told him that while I found his confession flattering, I had Zayn Malik 2.0 waiting for me at a much-lesser college called Princeton, which he might have heard of, and that my attentions would not be needed elsewhere."
He laughs a little at her Princeton dig, flickers of the Clarke he first met – snobbish, arrogant and rude – were still there and happy to tear people down that crossed her.
"Please tell me you didn't really tell the poor guy I was Zayn Malik 2.0?" He groans, hating the one direction comparison but knows she's kidding. It's an Octavia joke the first time he tried to grow his scruff.
"Of course not. I think me turning him down was enough of a blow to his self-esteem. I couldn't bring myself to shatter his hope even more by letting him know just how hot my boyfriend is. That would be cruel." She smirks. "I kind of wish my super-hot boyfriend was here though, so I could flaunt him in front of all these potential suitors."
"Clarke - " He starts, not wanting to repeat the conversation again.
"I know, I know. You can't get away. But I can. I have a long weekend this weekend, let me come and see you?" She was not beyond begging. It had been six weeks and the closest she had been to seeing him had been their quick Skype conversations. "I'll be quiet as a mouse and your friends won't even know I'm there. Please?"
"I have to go back home this weekend." He says quietly and she can practically hear the wince in his voice, the pain it causes him to admit it. There could only be one reason but she can't stand to hear it.
But she is a glutton for punishment.
"Can I come with you?" She asks tentatively, already knowing the answer.
"I'm visiting my dad. I'd love for you two to meet but - " He trails off. He's only just met his dad a few months ago, only just agreed to speak to him. Everything is so new.
"You're seeing him for the whole weekend? All of Saturday and Sunday?" She asks through gritted teeth. It's not fair to demand his time away from his dad but old grudges die hard.
"Don't do this." He sounds weary and she knows it's her fault.
"I have to go. Talk to you later." She says quickly and coldly, hanging up the phone and then throwing it across the room with a scream.
Her roommate glances up at her with a questioning raised eyebrow.
Clarke has no response so instead she crumbles. She pulls her knees to her chest and begins to cry. She hasn't cried over the situation at all but after six weeks of stress, worry, mixed feelings and boys who just won't stop tempting her it all comes to a head over his damn father who should not ever be a reason to hold them apart.
Raven, the roommate, pulls out her iPod headphones and trudges from the room dragging her feet as she goes. She returns two minutes later with a condescending pat on the back, a reassuring 'there, there' and a pint of ice cream. Clarke looks up at her through watery eyes and begins to laugh suddenly grateful for good friends. She decides then that limiting herself to Lexa and Bellamy when there are people like Raven around is ridiculous. Everybody needs friends and especially when their boyfriend is being an idiot.
Another six weeks creeps past. The phone calls are less frequent, Skype is on the verge of being uninstalled and the texts are limited to 'goodnight x' or 'good morning x'. Thanksgiving is just around the corner and Clarke knows she has to go back to Arkadia. There would be nothing there but at least there would be a few days with her boyfriend. Maybe they could start anew.
Are we still in love? arrives cryptically at her phone the day before she is due to return to Arkadia. It's supposed to be a big surprise. She's planning on showing up at his house since Facebook told her he was definitely already there. Her heart aches when she realizes that he never even told her.
Is that a trick question? she replies and instantly knows it's the wrong answer.
Her fear is confirmed when he doesn't reply.
As she pulls into the Blake's drive, Octavia is already waiting with a smile and open arms. She almost sprints towards the girl and holds her tight as she spins her around.
"Hey stranger." Octavia says quietly, right next to her ear. "How's it going?"
Octavia finally lets her go and she flashes a grimace and a 'so-so' hand gesture.
"He's really missed you, y'know?" She offers with a facial expression which is just screaming that she wasn't allowed to say that.
"If he missed me so much he should have called to let me know he was home." She responds bitterly, turning away from Octavia to calm the tears which are beginning to collect in the corners of her eyes.
"Oh, babe." O fusses, pulling her into a friendly hug. "You're both morons. Go and talk to him."
She clutches at the younger girl's hand as she walks past and flashes a thankful smile before walking through the front door and heading straight to the stairs. He's asleep when she finally reaches his room and she can't help but smile. She's never been able to resist him when he looks so peaceful.
She drops her bag, shuts the bedroom door, kicks off her shoes and climbs carefully onto the king-size bed next to him. He's sprawled out like a starfish so it's easy to curl into his side and use his chest as a pillow. Before she can think about it, the drive back has caught up with her and she's falling asleep alongside him.
It feels like a lifetime has passed when she's woken to someone brushing her hair back and stroking her cheek. She smiles as she turns onto her side and sees Bellamy with his arm bent under his head, soothing her without a single word.
"Of course we're still in love, silly." She says softly, wrapping her free arm around his waist and gently pulling him closer.
He doesn't say anything but the relief is evident when his face automatically relaxes. He pauses stroking her cheek to lean in and press the most chaste and gentle of kisses to her lips. As he wraps his arms around her and holds her just as tight, he whispers to go back to sleep and neither of them try to resist.
They break up some time between Christmas and New Year because for Bellamy the three hours is just too much to handle. He's hurting too much.
Clarke can't help but wonder if he read the letter she left him with when she moved to Yale.
"I don't have anyone to kiss at midnight." Clarke sobs pathetically down the phone half an hour before the clock will strike twelve and Bellamy can tell that she's had far too much to drink in a short space of time.
"Delete my number. It makes it easier." He orders and hangs up before he finds himself in tears and drinking away the pain too.
Raven is the one who eventually changes Clarke's Facebook status to 'Single' and she is the first one with the ice-cream, the sad movies and terrible advice when Clarke cries the whole week.
Bellamy deletes his Facebook altogether.
"I've a good mind to go down to Princeton right now and knock that son-of-a-bitch to next week." Lexa rages around Clarke's dorm room while Raven watches, amusement dancing in her eyes.
"Calm down, Lexa. I'm over it. It's done." Clarke says and her tone demands that her point be final.
"Don't call me that. I just hate seeing you so down. I really thought you two would be around forever." She says quietly, sitting on the end of the bed and rubbing Clarke's knee in what is supposed to be a comforting manner.
"Well you were wrong. How is Northwestern? Is Costia okay?" Clarke changes the conversation. Lexa rolls her eyes and Raven shrugs in defeat but she answers her questions anyway with gossip that Clarke doesn't care for but it's comforting that at least some things from remain constant and forever.
By the time Spring Break rolls around she's almost forgotten how much it hurts. She's changed his name in her phone to something random so that when she's drunk and upset, she won't be able to find his number. As she packs up her things to go to California for the week with Lexa, she glances back at her laptop and the billing screen which is open to buy tickets to Princeton, but with a final deep breath and a zip of her suitcase, she clicks the 'x' and shuts the screen down. She can do this.
Lexa helps put her things in the back of the hired car before taking off, breaking speed limits all over the place, to make their plane on time.
"You're going to get him out of your system this week." She promises as they take their seats and get ready for take-off.
It's a week of sun, sea, sand and cocktails as Lexa drags her through as many Hollywood parties as she can get her name on bagging free drinks from unsuspecting men all the way. Clarke meets a guy from Boston who goes to Harvard and before she can control it, she's shamelessly flirting with him. It's fake but she's in California and she'll probably never see him again.
He asks if she's seeing anyone and for the first time since Christmas it doesn't ache every time she says "No, I'm not seeing anyone."
In a haze of cocktails she can't even bring herself to be perplexed by a text from a guy named Ian simply hoping she's having a fantastic week with Lexa. She's pretty sure she doesn't know an Ian but after her third Cosmopolitan, she doesn't remember changing Bellamy's name in her phone to something so bland.
Bellamy spends Spring Break setting up a new Facebook account and deliberating over whether or not he should add his ex-girlfriend. When he sees what a great time she's having with her best friend in a state many, many miles away he closes the box to add as a friend and thinks it's best if he leaves her be. She's better off without his drama.
By the time summer rolls back around and he hears from his sister that Clarke is no longer living in Arkadia, his panic is enough to make his sister laugh hysterically and explain through gasping breaths that she lives in New Haven full time now. He stays up all night deciding whether or not to jump in his car and drive around until he finds her but his brain kicks in, he remembers his life now and instead he settles for a simple friend request on Facebook. He has to tell her but it can't be under reckless, spontaneous circumstances.
Two days later she accepts.
Raven berates her privately in the safety of their new, shared apartment.
Lexa is less concerned with proprietary and leaves a string of comments which are offensive to both Clarke and Bellamy.
Clarke can't bring herself to feel hurt and instead laughs at her friend's insanity, going through and clicking 'Like' on every single comment just to wind her up even more.
Bellamy Blake: Any good coffee places near Yale?
appears on her wall the next day and even though she's more than comfortable with her situation, she's ashamed of how her heart skips a beat at the sight of his name alone.
Clarke Griffin: I can think of a few. Why?
It takes three excruciatingly long days for him to explain.
Bellamy Blake: I'm in New Haven this weekend. You free?
She freezes in her tracks when the notification pops up and almost loses all her pride and dignity as she holds in a scream and instead dances around in front of her laptop. She hates to feel so desperate for him but she knows he has no reason to be down there unless he wanted to see her. He has no other reason.
She runs into the living room and leaps on the couch next to Raven with a wide grin and a lighter heart.
"What's up?" She asks monotonously, refusing to look away from the television.
Where Clarke was all energy, excitement and enthusiasm, Raven was the total opposite. She spoke in small sentences, wore clothes from the men's department sometimes and dragged her feet when she walked.
"Bellamy is in New Haven this weekend?" Clarke tries the nonchalant approach but when Raven turns to her with a single raised eyebrow and a small amount of interest, the nervous giggle breaks free and she begins to play with the ends of her hair.
"Why?" Raven asks.
"He just said he's around and asked to meet up for coffee." Clarke explains, deliberately looking away from her flatmate so she can't see the concern which immediately shows.
"Just - " She begins but shakes her head and looks towards the television again.
"Just what?" Clarke asks trying to keep the edge out of her tone.
"Just be careful. It's been seven months, anything could have happened and I think you should prepare yourself to want everything but expect nothing."
"I don't even want him anymore." Clarke lies. "What if I just want to be friends?"
Raven rolls her eyes and turns the television up louder. Just as Clarke is about to leave her alone, she hands over her phone which is already dialing Lexa. "You might listen if you hear it from her." Raven mumbles.
Clarke takes the phone and feels guilty for knowing that she's right. She's lived with Raven for a year and she has always been so intuitive, always knows how to help, but when it comes down to the serious stuff it's only ever been Lexa who truly made sense.
She smiles in thanks and goes to her room, ready for the onslaught of her best friend berating her reckless decisions.
Four hours later leaves her with a calm best friend in Illinois, Raven happily cooking them dinner and Clarke staring at her Facebook page, fingers hovering over the keyboard and not having a clue how to respond.
Clarke Griffin: Yep, I have a few hours on Saturday. There's a Starbucks on campus. Call me when you're here and I'll meet you.
It sounds enough like she doesn't care but at the same time she's pleased with how she references their familiarity with each other.
He doesn't reply but she spends Saturday sitting on her bed, clutching her phone tightly and pretending she isn't desperate to see him.
Raven rolls her eyes, exhales deeply and says she'll be back tomorrow because she won't be able to sleep with all the get-back-together sex going on in the room next door.
The smell of coffee hangs in the air, stale and fresh at the same time. He knows he will forever associate this with what he is about to do. Every coffee shop he walks into from now on will jolt him to this moment in time and suddenly he doesn't want to be there anymore. He picks up his bag and stands, ready to leave, when he sees her. Clarke is hurriedly crossing the road wearing one of her favorite dresses which is probably a year out of date. He hates the pride he suddenly feels in knowing how far she has come, how little she cares about those things now.
Just as he remembers that he was leaving, she brings him back to reality when she's standing in front of him, wringing her hands and her mouth quivering unsure if she should smile or cry.
He's faintly aware of the song playing in the background and he nearly smiles bitterly with the irony. Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking.
I've got this feeling that there's something that I've missed
"Sit down." He gestures to the chair opposite and puts his bag back on the floor.
"Do you want a drink, I don't mind buying?" Clarke offers.
Their exchange so far has been awkward. For so long there were hello kisses, goodbye kisses, hugs and terms of endearment. There had been nothing for so long that it was impossible to know how things would be now.
"I have one." He gestures in front of him with a nervous chuckle. She nods with surprise from not noticing before. "I would have got you something but I didn't know what you'd drink. We never really went for coffee."
She smiles knowing it's true and forgives him instantly. The level of want she feels for him in that moment is terrifying and she's sure she's not alone.
I could do most anything to you.
"So how come you're in New Haven? It's a bit out of the woods for you on a weekend drive." Clarke tries to flash him a knowing smile and if she were any braver he knew she'd accompany it with a wink but it just fills him with guilt, shame and the weight of his reason to visit is almost. He has to shift it.
"I have some news." He eventually stutters out between sips of his coffee. "I'm moving back to Princeton in a couple of weeks. I've found an apartment. Arkadia has too many memories, you know?" He winces when he sees the flash in her eyes. She's not a stupid girl. Many thought she was and had written her off as relying on her mom to get her places but she got to Yale on her own merit and it hurts to see her eyes harden and her old persona take over. It's just a defense mechanism, he knows this – he knows her, but it doesn't make it any easier to stomach.
"Are you leaving forever?" She asks, her voice no longer holding the optimism it had a moment ago.
"Didn't you?" He fires back. "You weren't going to tell me you were staying here?"
"It's not the same, is it? Yale is thirty minutes from home. Princeton is nearer to four hours." She snaps.
"I know, I'm sorry." He mumbles into the lip of his coffee cup. Clarke has to turn away before she thinks too hard about what would happen if she just leant over to kiss him.
"So is this goodbye or was there something else?" She asks, gentler this time. He hates to see the tiny amount of hope in her expression because he's about to kill it stone dead.
"I'm not getting a place by myself, Clarke." He starts, ignoring the frown creeping into her forehead. "I've met someone."
She swears she feels her heart stop for a good thirty seconds with complete despair. It's physically impossible that she would still be alive and well at that table but she can feel no other explanation for it because she's not going to admit that it's heartbreak. She wants to get up and walk away, write him out of her life and start again. But she's rooted to the spot.
You can't leave.
"You've waited this long to tell me you've moved on?" She's trying to be Clarke Griffin but her voice just won't go any louder than the whisper she's forcing out.
"It's not exactly been any easier for me." He says, reaching across the table to try and hold her hand but she's too quick and jerks away from him like he's contagious. It stings more than he wants to admit.
"I never understood why you broke up with me." She finally says. She's been holding onto it for seven months and maybe with an answer she can finally get out of her own personal limbo. "We were so happy. I came home on Thanksgiving for you and I told you I was still in love with you. You threw that away a few weeks later and you never explained why."
He takes a deep breath and settles back into his seat. He's always owed her this but he's never been brave enough. This conversation would signal the end of all things.
"We weren't happy." He says carefully. "Before we left we said we'd see each other all the time. I was clinging to that so tightly but when it became obvious just how much work there was, how out of sync our schedules were and how damn impossible it was to fit in a phone call, I knew I wasn't seeing you until the holidays."
She can feel her eyes filling with tears but hurriedly blinks them away, refusing to be the one who cracks first.
"That's why I had to check, I had to make sure that I still had you before Thanksgiving kicked off because as far as I knew, you weren't coming home. You said that back in August. But waking up and seeing you there? I have never felt so happy." He continues. "But don't you understand? I had you then and I had you all over Christmas. After all that, how could I go back and go another semester like we had before? I don't think you know how much it was killing me."
I am scared, I'm so scared.
"No you're right. It was a walk in the park for me." It's petty. She knows it's petty but there's nothing else to be in a situation where you feel like you're drowning. "When did you meet her?"
She probably doesn't want to know. She wants to lock down this conversation into a vault in her mind and continue through life making tiny amounts of progress without him. It's almost pathetic that an eight-month relationship has taken fifteen months of her life away from her and she still can't let go.
"Just after spring break." He admits easily. "I know it seems fast to be moving in but she was left by her roommate and needed somewhere. It just made sense."
She wants to tell him that it's okay and that he doesn't need to explain but she can already taste the bile and her palms have started sweating. It's too late to start making him feel better.
"For over a year now my life has been all about you. Tell me what to do now." She begs, taking slow and deep breaths to calm the nausea before she throws up all over the table between them. The last barrier before it all falls down.
He stares at her for a long time, his face crumbling with the weight of how final this moment is. "I'm so sorry." He says gently, reaching once more for her hand. This time she lets him and he squeezes so hard she thinks her knuckles might crack.
But she pulls away with a tiny smile, picks up her bag and leaves the coffee shop without a single word. She holds it all in until she's back in the comfort of her bedroom and then she tries so hard to let it all out. She tries to scream until her throat is torn, to cry until her eyes are bone dry, to be sick until her stomach is empty. To no avail.
She's numb.
Clarke decides that she must be hungry for hurt and pain as she gets a job working as a barista in that very Starbucks during her junior year. Her sophomore year passed in a blur of terrible dates, burning rituals whenever anything to do with Bellamy was unearthed and party weekends in Illinois with Lexa and Raven before the last minute panic when finals rolled around and exams hit her hard, threatening to drop her GPA.
Raven drops by frequently and pulls a chair up at the end of the counter, watching each customer intently as they are handed their drinks. It makes them uncomfortable and Clarke's boss is none too happy about it but until a customer actually complains, he can't really stop her.
"You know what I don't get?" Raven says one day as she's stirring the straw her in frappuccino.
"What's that?" Clarke humors her as she wipes down the counter for what feels like the hundredth time that shift alone.
"You spent most of last year and the summer between here and Evanston." Raven states, looking up over her sunglasses frames carefully. "But he-who-shall-not-be-named couldn't manage the odd weekend from Princeton?"
"He's not Voldemort." Clarke chuckles a little, glad that at last she can laugh about it and not collapse into an inconsolable heap. "Raven, my darling, my sweetheart, my everything, welcome to my head."
"Do you ever wonder if the whole thing was just a continuation of his elaborate revenge scheme?" Raven knows she's treading on dangerous ground with this one but with over a year since the last conversation Bellamy and Clarke ever had, she feels like it's almost safe to mention.
"No." Clarke states immediately. "He was so cruel at times but he was never that bad. Even when he was supposedly trying to ruin my life he showed signs of caring and that's how I fell in love with him. Yes sir, what can I get you today?"
She turns to the next customer when she notices Raven's eyes widening with happiness. She's seen something pretty.
"Clarke, hi." He says nervously.
It's the guy from her lit class. The guy who asked her out in her freshman year. The guy she turned down for a strained and anti-climactic Skype conversation with her boyfriend.
"Finn, I've not seen you in here before." She teases softly. "What are you having?"
"Just a latte, thanks." He smiles, digging for his wallet.
"Oh, that's so boring." Raven interjects with her attention firmly back on her drink after she's judged Finn as unworthy. "You're in Starbucks, the ultimate heaven for coffee and you're wasting this opportunity on a latte? Shame on you."
"I'm not much of a coffee drinker to be honest." He admits with a smirk but he loses it when he turns back to Clarke.
They worked on a project together last year and despite his failed attempt at asking her out in the first year, they found they had a lot in common and got on quite well. But she knows he watches her in class sometimes and she knows he swapped around with people until he could partner with her last year. That's why she feels uneasy when he looks at her with such intent to do something but she always throws him off.
"Is there anything else?" She tries to keep the nerves out of her voice and remain level, like she can't see him watching her every move.
"You?"
His eyes widen dramatically and a hot flush immediately takes over his face. He's not Bellamy, but she has to stop comparing everyone to him. He rubs the back of his neck feverishly and looks to the ceiling with his eyes closed. "I wasn't supposed to say that, I'm sorry."
"No you're not." Raven smirks behind her straw, suddenly very interested in the awkward exchange before her.
"Finn - " Clarke starts but finds the words aren't there. Her usual 'thanks, but no thanks' speech isn't there.
"Go out with me. Tonight. Just one date?" She can see the hope written across his face, no more traces of his previous embarrassment.
'Yes' is sitting on the tip of her tongue but that fact alone shocks her into silence. Since when was she ready for this? Since when was the prospect of dating Finn not so laughable but actually possible?
"Of course she will." Raven offers over Clarke's goldfish impression.
"If you don't mind, I'd like to hear it from her." He smiles sheepishly. "What do you say?"
"Uh – your latte is done." She says dumbly. She puts a lid on the coffee to avoid seeing how her flippant comment had affected him but she knew she couldn't stay like that for too long.
Would it be so bad?
He only wanted one date.
It had been well over a year since that conversation, almost two since the break up.
Surely it was time.
She grabs a coffee collar, which she knows he won't need, and quickly scribbles her phone number onto it. She pops his latte through the middle and hands it over carefully.
"I'm busy tonight but you can call me and we can arrange it for another day?" She offers weakly. She has no other obligation for later than night other than hours dedicated to her latest paper but she feels like she can't help but say yes in some capacity.
"Yeah, I can definitely do that." His face almost splits into two under the strain of his grin and as they exchange their goodbyes, he leaves and Raven turns to her with a thumbs up, she's at least fifty-percent sure she's done the right thing.
Thanksgiving creeps up on Clarke and Raven with very little warning so the day before they're frantically getting Lexa on a last minute plane and calling Finn to pick up a turkey. It's the first one without drama, home visits or prior commitments and Clarke is determined to not screw it up. There's just one issue.
"You've never cooked before?" Raven stares at her in disbelief.
"Sure I have, I had mac and cheese the other night." Clarke insists. "I had toast the other day and I made pizza yesterday."
"A toddler could make mac and cheese and toast and the pizza was frozen. All you had to do was keep time." Raven groaned. "I can't cook a damn turkey and I bet The Princess has never looked at an oven in her life."
She winces, the nickname opens old wounds. "No, no she hasn't." Clarke admits.
Lexa rolls in on Thanksgiving morning with huge sunglasses on and hair sticking in every direction.
"Where's the alcohol?" She demands as she slumps onto the couch, arm outstretched for a glass of whatever is available.
"It's half past ten in the morning." Clarke states.
"I'm well aware of that, sweets, but I didn't ask for the time." Lexa pulls her sunglasses off to look at her best friend in disbelief.
"Here you go, m'lady." Finn swoops in with a glass of orange juice and champagne. He sits down next to Clarke and places his hand on her knee in a manner which he assumes is comforting.
"And who might you be?" Lexa smirks, looking only at Clarke for the gossip. She can almost hear Lexa compare Finn to a golden retriever.
"This is Finn. He's my - " She pauses and can feel his hand tighten on her knee slightly. "He's my Finn." She finishes lamely, taking a sip of her apple juice to wash away the repetitive chant of 'idiot, moron, loser, why did you say that?' going through her mind.
Lexa cackles slightly and Raven almost spits her own drink out with the absurdity of Clarke's explanation.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Clarke's Finn. I'm Clarke's Lexa."
Clarke flushes under the heat of the apartment and the scrutiny from her best friend.
"The pleasure is all mine." He insists, standing to take her hand and kiss the back of it. "I'm going to check the turkey."
"Why are you checking the turkey?" Clarke asks with a frown. She had completely forgotten about cooking responsibilities with the drama of getting Lexa from the airport.
"Didn't he tell you? Finn is quite the little cooking extraordinaire." Raven explains and rolls her eyes.
"My hero." Clarke kisses him softly on the cheek. "We thought we were going to have to get take-out."
"You can't have take-out for Thanksgiving. Surely that's criminal?" Finn smirks, squeezing her hand a little.
"Best boyfriend ever." She mumbles before catching herself. She immediately pulls away from him with wide eyes and a head full of confusion. "I just need to go check something."
Before she can really think about it, Clarke is locked in her bedroom shaking her hands and taking deep breaths. She's convinced that the pacing has to stop at some point.
"Boyfriend. I called him my boyfriend. It's only been two months. Two months of dating. Does that mean he's my boyfriend? Does it need a label now? Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck."
She repeats the questions one after another like a mantra, like it will give her an answer if she just works hard enough to analyze every little detail. There's a knock at her door and without even thinking she flings it open to see Finn – poor Finn – and his delightfully adorable and confused expression. Clarke smiles ever so slightly because she really does like this guy. He cares about her an awful lot and she knows she's been giving him the run-around. She's so focused on how the day has been for Finn that she has barely thought of Bellamy.
"Is everything okay?" He's scared. He doesn't want to upset her or lose her but he can't just stand there and watch his – girlfriend? – freak out and leave him standing like an idiot while her best friends watch him with sympathy. He hears whispers of 'Bellamy' and 'over him by now' until he can't stand it.
"I'm so sorry." Apologizing. Since when was she good at apologizing? That's new.
"What for?" Finn asks, braving a few steps into the room and shutting the door behind him. If this goes the way he is expecting, he doesn't want an audience.
"I called you my boyfriend and then I ran like the wind. That was stupid. It was thoughtless and idiotic and I really, really hope you don't hate me right now." She's wringing her hands again and pleading, begging him to forgive her.
He smiles warmly and pulls her in for a hug, the tension leaving him almost immediately. His pulse quickens slightly when she wraps her arms around him and squeezes him back. He's a lot taller than her so he revels in the way she tucks her head under his chin and buries herself into him. It's not something she has done often but he never takes the moments like these for granted.
"Don't be sorry. We're all so occupied these days with not putting labels on anything but I just want you to know that I really, really like you, Clarke. You're so special to me and I want to be around for as long as you'll have me." He speaks into her hair and the vibration of his voice soothes her instantly. "Whether that's as your boyfriend or just a friend or even just a study partner, it's cool. Okay?"
When he kisses the top of her head and runs his hand up and down her back, she knows exactly what she wants. She smiles at the way his eyes crinkle in confusion as she pulls away and cups his face with her hands. Stretching on tip-toes so she's level with his face, she drops a light, chaste kiss onto his lips.
It's hard not to remember the time she demanded Bellamy make it official, that he tell her whether he wanted to be with her or not. It's hard not to compare but she finds that she rather enjoys the quiet calm of this moment. There is none of the drama, the chaos and heartache. It's just simple. She likes him, he likes her and maybe they could even love each other one day. Maybe tranquil and lovely is just what she needs after the chaotic nature of her relationship with Bellamy. Maybe this one would last.
She tugs him in the direction of her bed. He knows instantly that she's not trying to sleep with him. It's not that kind of a moment. So, they simply cuddle. As he runs his hands up and down her arm and as she squeezes him tightly around his middle with her leg crooked up over his thighs, they fall into a gentle slumber, and Clarke ignores he churn in her gut.
Hours later Lexa will tentatively knock at the door and explain in a less than sober manner than the kitchen is filling with thick, black smoke. Finn will jump up immediately, knocking Clarke in the face accidentally and once the fuss has died down they will gather around a charred and ruined turkey. Finn will throw his hands through his hair with despair at his first failed Thanksgiving dinner and with a fond smirk and a quick-witted comment, Raven will ring the nearest Chinese takeout.
It will be the most unusual Thanksgiving Clarke will have but one of the best, surrounded by the people she loves united by a communal element of uselessness in the kitchen.
When they say what they are thankful for, Lexa will offer law school and Costia as her suggestion, Raven will blush and reluctantly say her friends, Finn will grin, throw his arm around Clarke and smother her face in kisses whilst exclaiming that she is what he is thankful for. Clarke will tell her friends that she's thankful to have finally let go of all the baggage and that she's thankful she's been offered a chance to start again.
At the end of the night when they are all too inebriated from wine and cheap beer, Clarke will encourage Finn to spend the night with her. It's only in the few minutes between being awake and being asleep that she will remember a boy she once knew called Bellamy but before she can consider what he might be doing, she's fast asleep and in the arms of a boy she knows loves her.
Sometimes that's enough.
Although she can't help it when her mind wanders to a letter and a boy full of broken promises.
Bellamy spends most of his sophomore year in Miller's apartments until him and Monty get so sick of him they encourage him to go home and fix up whatever the hell went wrong with Roma. He never expected it to be all sunshine and rainbows forever. His experience with Clarke taught him that much.
He didn't love her. Not like he loved... loves Clarke.
He knew that he never could.
Deep down he was sure Roma knew that too but maybe, just maybe she thought she could save him from the torturous memories his ex-girlfriend used to weigh him down.
She couldn't.
He knew as soon as he met her that he could use her to finally get over Clarke because it was killing him every day they were apart. A distraction was surely the best plan. But when Roma didn't match up to the standard Clarke had set him, problems had begun.
They broke up at a Halloween party when Roma was dancing with another guy. Bellamy had played the jealous boyfriend perfectly but when she accused him of never caring anyway and what reason could he give her to stop flirting with the other guy, he was speechless.
"You need to be on your own for a while because whoever she is, this ex-girlfriend that you hold on such a pedestal, she's done a number on you and I just can't keep fighting with that anymore. I can't do this." Roma had told him whilst he gawped at her still fighting for an appropriate response.
The next day he told her she could still live with him and that it didn't have to be awkward but when weekly X-Box marathons with his friends turned into daily occurrences, there was no way it couldn't have been. Not to mention the other beds he slept in after a few too many drinks.
It was all too easy to block Clarke from his mind temporarily but when she came back, she was lethal and he suddenly understood what kind of person he was. He reacted the same way about his father and wasted a year of his life.
He finds out through Facebook – some questionable online stalking which may or may not have involved hacking into his sister's account – about Clarke dating some guy called Finn. She has changed her profile picture to one of them standing together looking mournfully at a terribly burnt turkey and he can't help but smile.
His jealousy is overwhelming but there's something about the picture that lets him know Clarke hasn't gone anywhere. She may have a different man on her arm but the turkey and the playful nature of the photo is all Clarke. His Clarke.
He Googles 'Finn Collins' for half an hour afterwards before checking his senses and shutting the laptop down. The guy is perfect. Everything Clarke deserves.
New Year's Eve during their junior year is the beginning of the end.
Octavia is waiting outside her apartment building in Manhattan, ready to pull Clarke and Lexa in out of the rain as soon as their cab pulls up.
They're running late. Traffic, they said when they called but she doesn't want to miss them. More importantly, she doesn't want people to cross paths. Her guilt is already setting in but she swallows it down as soon as she sees them arrive.
Within five minutes they're dragging their suitcases into O's – actually quite lovely as it happens – apartment and chilling out on her couches.
Octavia's having a party later. She invited anyone and everyone but she somehow omitted her brother's name from the guest list when Clarke had asked for a copy the week previous. She knew that all it would take was one decent conversation and more effort than their immature freshman minds could handle and Bellamy and Clarke would be back together once more. Her brother would be happy again.
She's pulled from his thoughts by Clarke's phone ringing.
"Hello?" She asks carefully. "Oh hi, babe. Yeah I got here okay. Octavia is looking after us beautifully. How is Toronto?"
Lexa looks to Octavia knowingly, with the tiniest of smirks as she watches her friend rather perplexed.
"Finn." Lexa whispers to Octavia and she nods, pretending that the name actually means a damn thing to her.
"I wish we could have been together too." Clarke smiles into her phone. "I shall just have to find some other boy to make-out with at midnight."
"She's dating this guy?" O whispers back to Lexa, a frown firmly set in place.
She tilts her head in confusion but eventually nods. Why would she forget such vital information? Octavia's suddenly torn between calling Bellamy and telling him not to come or just letting events play out naturally.
"Look, I'm being rude. I'll call you at midnight, okay?" Clarke has a smile on her face and that's more than Octavia has seen for a long time. Bellamy could only make that better, right? "Yeah, you too. Bye!"
Clarke looks at her phone for a moment before putting it back in her bag and bringing herself back to her surroundings with a grin and a clap of the hands. "Sorry, that was rude. He was just worried about the journey."
"You didn't mention a boyfriend." Octavia states. She's trying to sound playful but it's almost accusing when it comes out.
"It's all over Facebook. I didn't realize I had to make a formal announcement." Clarke snaps back immediately on the defense.
"Guys. Chill. Drink." Lexa calls as she appears with drinks for the three of them. "O, Clarke has a golden retriever named Finn that treats her like a princess. She's very sorry she didn't tell you. Now, can we all drink to what should be a fantastic evening?"
Octavia eventually smiles and as they chink their glasses together, nothing could possibly go wrong.
"I can't believe you." Clarke spits at Octavia after a cocktail too many and a sighting of Bellamy.
"He's my brother, I couldn't not invite him." Octavia tries to reason but she's not even trying to defend herself. She shouldn't have to. Clarke and Bellamy's relationship ended two years previous, it should not still be this raw.
"You could have told me."
"And then you wouldn't have come."
She stills her anger for a moment and sees her friend, one of her very best friends, hurting. O's right. They never see each other because if she were to visit Arkadia during the holidays, she would inevitably run into him and with travelling to Lexa at times, there was very little left in the budget for a New York adventure.
Octavia missed her and she wasn't alone. They missed each other desperately but isn't that the way it works with a break up? You don't always just lose the relationship. You lose friendships.
She leans towards O and kisses the girl on the forehead, pulling away with a smile. "I need some air. I'll be on the balcony if Lexa asks."
The air is cool out on the balcony and it no longer stifles her. In the apartment she was suffocating under the pressure of Bellamy's presence but on the balcony nothing could touch her.
I will almost definitely be sober at midnight but just in case I'm not, here's an obligatory Happy New Year text before the lines jam. Raven texts from New Haven where she is hosting a party in their apartment.
Bellamy is here. Clarke texts back instantly needing someone on her side, someone who understands. Lexa had rendered herself beyond useless four beers ago.
Sorry, Happy New Year to you too. she quickly texts afterwards so as not to seem rude.
Punch him in his overly pretty face and then make-out with the nearest individual when the ball drops. Don't let him ruin your night. Raven instructs.
Not sure Finn would be happy with the making out part but I am going to avoid him. Hope your party is going okay. She replies.
It's fucking fantastic. Don't expect to have a bedroom when you get back. It's now my crack den. Raven jokes. Or at least Clarke hopes she's joking.
"Everyone else is inside enjoying the party and Clarke Griffin is outside texting? You have to be an imposter." A voice she recognizes all too easily teases.
She spins around and almost drops her phone when she comes face to face with Bellamy for the first time in what feels like forever.
"Well you look the same as her so I suppose there's the possibility that she might have grown up a little bit and that New Year parties don't really do it for her anymore." He's smiling genuinely but she's all too aware that she still hasn't spoken.
"New Year hasn't really held any excitement for me for a little while now. There's something about having your heartbroken at midnight that tends to taint the whole experience." She stumbles over her words. He at least has the grace to look to the floor with shame. "But I have a - "
Her voice cracks a little before she can say 'boyfriend' and she's filled with dread almost immediately. She'd been doing so well the past couple of months.
"I have a – I have a Finn now." She spits out and immediately flushes with embarrassment.
"I know." He flashes another real smile this time and his voice is soft. He knows how painful this is for both of them and it seems pointless to make it worse.
"Roma?" Clarke half-whispers and realizes too late that she probably doesn't want to know. Bellamy laughs and looks out over Manhattan.
"Ended ages ago. Biggest mistake I ever made." He answers wistfully without looking over.
"Oh." Clarke whispers and eyes the door to the apartment, wondering if she could make a quick exit before he turned back around to see her. But just as she was contemplating it, he turned completely facing her dead on.
The situation feels similar to the times when they first met, the power struggles. The way they always had to best each other and the way they hated so much until one day, Bellamy cracked and Clarke was the only one who cared.
They were just waiting for the other to crack.
"I saw Lexa in there. Still joined at the hip?" He asks.
"Yeah well, when you actually want to see someone you make it happen. She's in New Haven all the time and I go to Evanston when I can." She's bitter, she can see how it hurts him as soon as she gets the first dig in but even though she has Finn and even though her life has moved forward without him, she can't help but feel just how open the wound still is.
"It was never about not wanting to see you and you know it." He knew they were never talking about Lexa, not really. He should have seen how the conversation would have come around to them. "It was everything about how painful it was to be away from you."
"Twenty minutes to go!" Someone who has had far too much to drink calls as he runs in the street below the balcony.
"Okay." Clarke nods. "I should go back and find Lexa. I have to call Finn in a bit too. So, it was nice to see you again and I hope you enjoy the rest of your night."
All day Bellamy had let his mind run away with images of Clarke falling back into his arms and living happily ever after but her coldness, her callous responses and the way she appears to really not give a damn knocks him for six. His daydreams were delusions and for the first time in a long time he feels that he really has lost her.
"Clarke." He says, grabbing at her wrist as she is about to go through the door.
"What?" She snaps, yanking her arm back to her side.
"Happy New Year." He mumbles after faltering slightly. That's not what he planned to say and from the way the fire goes out in Clarke's eyes he knows she was expecting something else. "I hope he makes you happy."
"He does." She says with no flicker of emotion. He can't read her at all. He blinks and she's gone.
"Ten! Nine! Eight!" Lexa yells in Clarke's ear, arm around her shoulders and holding on for dear life after far too much alcohol. Her legs are numb and Clarke has to take the weight.
She knows Bellamy is watching her, she can feel it. But for the first time since she saw him, she's laughing and so, so happy. She's with her best friend and it's midnight. In a few minutes she'll be ringing her amazing boyfriend and she'll make crazy resolutions which involve how frequently she should visit Octavia.
"Seven! Six!" Clarke yells back in Lexa's face and with a random fit of laughter they nearly tumble to the floor. A pair of strong hands stops them and even when Clarke turns to see Bellamy's face next to them, he doesn't let go of the grip he has on her waist.
"Five! Four! The fuck are you doing here?" Lexa frowns, trying to shove at Bellamy to make him go away but all she succeeds in doing is stumbling into Clarke. His grip around her waist tightens and in all the fuss she ends up facing him.
"One." He says calmly.
The apartment erupts in cheers and bottles chinking in celebration of a brand new year but Clarke doesn't care. She's hyper-aware of Bellamy's hand cupping her face and his hand still on her waist pulling her closer to him. He's leaning down and as much as she knows she should stop him, she can't find the strength to push away.
I left the ending ambiguous and up to interpretation, because there IS a short part two that takes up RIGHT where this leaves off. So, if you wanna pretend this ends happily, then don't read the next part. If not, godspeed.