The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has taken off. I had an idea. This was bound to happen with all the secret Krieger clones running around.
The Case Of The Missing Krieger
"And then," Cheryl spoke into the phone. "Mr. Archer got himself shot. And then his cyborg double got shot. At first, we all thought it was the cyborg that got shot first and then Mr. Archer. But then when the cyborg's head started to explode when he proposed to Lana…"
Cheryl paused. "Hey! You're the one who called me! I didn't call you! Fine! I didn't want your stupid solar power thing anyway!" She hung up the phone. "Some people are so rude!"
"Excuse me?" An attractive blonde woman in a blue dress walked in. "Is this the Figgis Detective Agency?"
"You're not going to try to sell me solar power stuff, are you?" Cheryl asked her.
"Uh…" The woman blinked.
"Because I just like talked to your friend on the phone here," Cheryl pointed. "And he was soooooo rude!"
"Cheryl what's going on?" Cyril asked.
"Everybody's trying to sell me solar power stuff!" Cheryl snapped. "First the guy on the phone. And now this lady…"
"No, I'm not!" The woman gasped. "No, I'm looking for the Figgis Detective Agency."
"This is the Figgis Detective Agency," Cyril said.
"Wait we're still doing the detective thing?" Cheryl asked. "I thought we moved on?"
"Quiet game Cheryl," Cyril glared at her. Then he turned to the other woman. "I'm Cyril Figgis, fully licensed detective."
"I'm Alison Marks," The woman said. "And I'd like to hire you."
"For what?" Cheryl blinked. "I'm seriously asking."
Several minutes later in the conference room…
"So, you're asking us to help you find someone?" Lana asked. Cyril, Ray, Pam and Cheryl were also in the conference room with Alison.
"My fiancé went missing a few days ago," Alison explained. "I'm very worried. See he's a scientist doing some top-secret research and I'm afraid someone might have kidnapped him. Or worse…"
"What kind of research?" Cyril asked.
"Can you keep a secret?" Alison asked.
"Yes," Cyril said.
"Unfortunately, so could he," Alison groaned. "I'm just so worried about him."
"Hey guys," Krieger walked in. "I hear we finally got a client."
"ALAN!" Alison gasped in shock. "It's you!" She jumped up and hugged him.
"Hello!" Krieger grinned.
"Krieger you're not her fiancé!" Pam snapped.
"I could be," Krieger snapped.
"Oh my…" Alison backed away. "You even sound like…?"
"Krieger," Lana kept her voice even. "This is Alison Marks. She's looking for her fiancé Alan…Am I to guess his last name is Krieger?"
"Yes, I…" Alison did a double take. "You're not Alan, are you?"
"No!" Everyone else in the room said as one.
"His name is Algernop," Pam added.
"I was going to tell her!" Krieger protested.
"We wanted to get the ball rolling," Pam sighed.
"Oh right," Alison realized. "Alan said he had a cousin that worked here and that the looked a lot alike."
Cyril kept a straight face. "Cousin. Right."
"Krieger's cousin," Lana emphasized.
"I don't…" Krieger caught on. "Oh wait, Alan! Yes! That's my cousin. That's what he is. What else could he be?"
"Maybe Alan is another one of your cl—MMFFF!" Cheryl began when Pam quickly put her hand across her mouth.
"Cheryl, Alan is one of Krieger's cousins," Pam said quickly. She looked at Alison. "You have to explain things to her."
"I believe it," Alison nodded.
"Krieger has a lot of identical cousins," Lana covered.
"It's a big family," Ray added. "Unbelievably big if you think about it."
"Hang on," Cheryl managed to pull away from Pam. "You're engaged to a guy that looks like Krieger? Seriously?"
"It's not that improbable!" Krieger snapped.
"It kind of is," Cheryl said.
"We dated!" Krieger told her.
"Only for sex, duh!" Cheryl said. "We weren't engaged or anything. Besides you have weak hands that choke like a baby."
"He has what now?" Alison did a double take.
"Don't engage her," Pam sighed.
"We'll start looking right away," Cyril said. "Is there a number we can call you if anything turns up?"
"Here's my number," Alison handed Cyril a card. "Call me the minute you find him! I'm just so worried!"
"We will," Cyril said. "Don't worry."
"I would," Cheryl quipped as Alison left.
"Okay!" Cyril grinned. "We finally have a case! And an easy one!"
"How do you figure that?" Krieger asked.
"Because it's your damn clone we're tracking down!" Cyril snapped.
"I wouldn't get my hopes up Cyril," Ray groaned. "Krieger doesn't exactly have a good track record of keeping tabs on his experiments."
"Technically my clones are more of a hobby than an experiment," Krieger admitted. "But I mean come on…"
"The laser snakes?" Ray gave him a look.
Krieger's face fell. "Point taken."
"Do you have any idea where this Alan would be?" Lana asked.
"We don't exactly keep in touch," Krieger pointed out. "Okay there's the newsletter Adal e-mails every couple of months but other than that…"
"Don't you have any other ways to track him down?" Lana asked. "Like a tracking chip or a genetic tracking device or…?"
"We-eel," Krieger scratched his head. "Technically I do sort of have a tracking device that is programmed to hone into my genetics and detect them within a five-mile radius."
"Sort of?" Cyril asked.
"My new Piggly chewed on it," Krieger shrugged. "I was testing it out on him."
"Why would you test out your genetic tracking device on…?" Ray did a double take. "Never mind! Forget I asked!"
"Well that's because I added…" Krieger began.
"I SAID FORGET ABOUT IT!" Ray shouted.
"Just…" Lana grimaced. "Go use your device to find Alan."
Suddenly Krieger's phone rang. "Guten Tag!" Krieger answered his phone. "Adal! What's going on? What? What? Seriously? Okay, I'll be right there."
Krieger hung up the phone. "Well that's an extremely lucky coincidence."
"What happened?" Pam asked.
"You remember Adal?" Krieger asked.
"Your clone that works with the LA Department of Animal Control," Pam said. "What about him?"
"Alan's with him," Krieger said. "Adal was a little upset. Something about Alan being drunk."
"That was easy," Ray blinked.
"You guys go get Alan and I'll call Alison," Lana said. "Cheryl and Pam will stay here and cover the agency."
"Lame," Cheryl scoffed.
"Give us a couple hours before you call her," Cyril said. "It will take that long to collect Alan. I can't believe how easy that was."
"Unbelievably easy," Krieger admitted. "I mean the odds are literally slim to none."
"Hey we found Alan and we are going to make a lot of money," Cyril said. "What's the problem?"
Later…
"Problem," Ray groaned when he saw the sight in front of him.
"HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?" Cyril yelled.
"Well," Adal Krieger sighed. "He was drunk obviously."
"Yeah," Ray remarked as they looked at the scene. "Why else would you walk into a cage where a cougar is?"
They were inside a room and inside that room was a large cage. Inside the cage there was blood everywhere and the body of a cougar. And two legs underneath the cougar. "Oh, I was talking about the cougar," Adal said. "But yeah, Alan was pretty plastered as well."
"How…?" Ray looked at Adal.
"Okay there was this guy in Sherman Oaks who had the bright idea of filling a kiddie pool with a margarita mix and a ton of tequila," Adal explained.
"I've done that," Krieger said. "It's fun."
"It is," Adal said. "Except this guy forgot the rule that the alcohol filled pool should be indoors. That's where this cougar on the loose comes in…"
"It drank some of the alcohol in the pool," Cyril guessed.
"It drank all of the alcohol in the pool," Adal explained. "We didn't even have to tranq it. It passed out. So we put it in this cage to let it sleep off it's hangover. However, Alan came to visit me and he was rather tipsy and decided to check on the cougar…"
"Who then woke up with a hell of a hangover," Ray realized what happened.
"Yeah I'd be grumpy too if I had a hangover and people were poking me," Krieger admitted.
"Especially with a needle," Adal shook his head. "Obviously I had to put the cougar down. I mean once they get a good taste of human flesh…"
"Oh great!" Cyril groaned. "We're not getting paid, are we?"
"Not necessarily," Krieger said. "There's still some brain tissue left right?"
"Some of it is scattered on the floor but yeah," Adal said.
"Then I can work with this," Krieger nodded.
"You don't mean…?" Ray did a double take.
Later in Krieger's lab…
"He did…" Ray groaned as he and Cyril were now wearing doctor's scrubs. "Well at least it's not me on the table this time."
"This place is so creepy," Cyril shuddered.
"Yeah well having a dead mauled body with it's brains popped out in front of you will do that," Ray remarked as he pointed at the Krieger corpse.
"That too," Cyril said. "I was referring to that." He pointed to several tubes filled with Krieger clones in different stages.
"And that," Cyril pointed to several robot body parts including a partially destroyed Krieger head on a table.
"And that," Cyril pointed to a tank behind them with a large electric eel. "Krieger what the hell do you need an electric eel for?"
"Do you really want to know?" Ray asked.
"I do not," Cyril realized.
"Personally, I think having that thing is just asking for trouble," Ray winced. "Especially if you don't cover the top."
"Relax!" Krieger waved, he was also wearing doctor's scrubs. "I've got this under control."
"I don't think you have anything under control," Cyril looked around.
"Guys all I have to do is gestate one of my clones to full size," Krieger took out some wires. "bio electronically transfer as many memories as I can from Alan to the other clone. Voila! New Alan! I've done this at least twice!"
"Oh, is that all?" Ray groaned. His phone rang. "It's Lana."
"Give it to me," Cyril sighed. "I might as well tell her."
Cyril took the phone. "Lana? It's Cyril. What do mean what went wrong now? Why do you always assume something did? Well yes, but you didn't have to assume it right away!"
"Long story short," Cyril sighed. "Alan is dead. Cougar with a hangover. No that's not a euphemism. An actual cougar with an actual hangover killed him. Because Alan was drunk and stupidly went into the cage with the damn cougar! That's why!"
"Anybody but us that would be unbelievable," Ray told Krieger.
"Because he was an idiot! That's why!" Cyril hissed into the phone. "Anyway, Krieger thinks he can make a new Alan using…Honestly Lana you don't want to know. Just don't call our client until we finish."
"Little problem with that," Lana said. She was in the hallway. "I already called her. She's right here."
"What do you mean you called her already?" Cyril gasped. "Are you crazy? Why would you do that?"
"Because you said it would only be a couple of hours and it would be easy!" Lana snapped.
"Oh, now you decide to listen to me!" Cyril groaned. "Okay fine. Just stall her."
"What do you mean stall her?" Lana hissed into the phone. "For how long? Fine! Fine! I'll stall! I'll stall!"
She hung up the phone. "Just great…"
She went back into the bullpen where Alison, Cheryl and Pam were waiting. Cheryl was talking. "So here we are in the elevator fighting. Half of us stark naked including Cyril who was jacking off…"
"Okay!" Lana interrupted. "Thank you for that lovely story Cheryl."
"Thank you for interrupting it," Alison looked queasy. "Have you found Alan?"
"Yes," Lana said honestly. "We found him."
"Where is he? Can I see him?" Alison asked.
"About that. Not just yet…" Lana paused.
"Why not?" Alison asked.
"He's…" Lana paused. "Out cold. On his back. Not awake."
"You mean dead?" Cheryl asked.
"Drunk!" Lana said quickly. "Dead drunk."
"Dead right," Cheryl snorted, catching on to what happened.
"Quiet game Cheryl!" Lana snapped. "So, if you are willing to wait until the morning…"
"But I want to see him," Alison pleaded. "I really don't care what state he's in."
"Trust me," Lana winced. "You really don't want to see him in the state he is now."
"She doesn't?" Pam realized something else was going on. "How bad are we talking about?
"Really bad," Lana winced. "And messy."
"How messy?" Pam asked.
"Extremely," Lana said. "Krieger getting his cousin…Cleaned up."
"Wow how much blood is there?" Cheryl asked.
"Cheryl!" Lana snapped. "She's joking. She has a very warped sense of humor."
"I figured that out with the elevator story," Alison blinked. "Do you mind if I use your restroom?"
"Oh, go right ahead," Lana pointed.
"Thank you," Alison sniffed as she stood up and went to the bathroom. "It's just I'm so relieved that you found my dear Alan."
"Something tells me finding him was the easy part," Pam groaned.
"Keep it down!" Lana hissed after Alison went into the bathroom. "I think she bought it."
"So, he is dead?" Pam whispered.
"Extremely," Lana groaned.
"Told you," Cheryl said smugly.
"Krieger's in the lab now making a new Alan," Lana sighed. "If we could just hold her off until morning we might be okay."
"She does seem pretty gullible," Cheryl admitted. "I mean she's dating a Krieger. Maybe she did buy it?"
Meanwhile in the bathroom…
"Yeah it's me," Alison spoke into her phone. "I think our detectives found him. But they're keeping him under wraps for some reason. Some stupid cock and bull story about him being drunk. Yeah, I was thinking that too. That's why I called you. Right. I'll stall them."
Alison hung up and paused. "Might as well use the bathroom for real while I'm here. That should buy a few minutes."
She went into a stall. "What the hell…?" She gasped. "Why the hell does this toilet seat have the face of Al Franken painted on it?"
A few minutes later Alison walked out. "You have an…interesting bathroom."
"Oh," Pam realized something. "Did you go into the stall on the end? I can explain about that."
"You can explain why you have the face of Al Franken painted on the toilet?" Alison was stunned.
"It was supposed to be Veronica Deane," Pam explained. "I know the face just didn't turn out right."
"Why…?" Alison blinked.
"Honestly sometimes it makes me feel better to take a dump in her mouth," Pam grinned. "Especially after all the shit she put us through."
"I've done that," Cheryl admitted.
"Me too," Lana sighed. "It's a long story…"
"You know what?" Alison groaned. "I've had enough stories!" She pulled out a gun from her purse.
"I don't think our stories are that bad," Cheryl remarked.
"Alison? You in there sweetheart?" A male voice was heard.
"In here!" Alison shouted. "And just in time! These nutjobs are giving me a headache!"
"I can imagine," A man with grey hair wearing a very expensive grey suit walked in. He was accompanied by a tall muscular man in a black suit who looked like he moonlighted as the Hulk.
Lana realized something. "We're not getting paid, are we?"
"No," The mobster shook his head.
"Damn it!" Lana groaned.
"I'm a bounty hunter," Alison told them. "My Uncle Carmine here hired me to track down this Alan Krieger character."
"Carmine?" Lana realized something. "As in Carmine 'The Face' DiMartino? The head of one of the biggest crime families in LA?"
"Oh yeah!" Pam said. "I've seen your niece's reality show, The DiMartino Mob show! I loved it! Why did they cancel that show?"
"She got a better deal at a rival network," The Henchman spoke up. "She's going to do a cooking show on E."
"Shut up!" Carmine snapped at his man.
"Okay this makes much more sense than you being a Krieger's fiancé," Cheryl told Alison. "Phew! That was really confusing me!"
"Me too," Lana said. "Hang on, does this Krieger owe you money?"
"In a way," Carmine said. "Let's just say he welshed out on business opportunity I approached him with."
"It was my idea," The large henchman grumbled.
"Shut up Mook!" Carmine snapped. "You ladies keep your mouths shut and lead us to Krieger…"
"Or you'll blow our heads off," Cheryl finished. "Duh! We know the drill!"
"This is not the first time anyone has held us hostage," Pam explained.
"Penelope Pitstop doesn't get captured as much as we do," Lana groaned.
Meanwhile down in the lab…
"I swear to God I'm getting used to this," Cyril groaned as he and Ray helped Krieger.
"Well this isn't the first time you've helped me with surgery," Krieger said cheerfully.
"Should we be wearing masks?" Ray asked.
"I'm not," Krieger shrugged. "Don't worry. This will be easy. No problem."
"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Alison's voice was heard.
They turned around and saw Lana and the others behind them. With Alison, Carmine and Mook holding guns on them. "Guys we have a problem," Pam said.
"Another one?" Ray asked sarcastically.
"I thought I told you to stall her," Cyril gulped.
"She and her friends couldn't wait," Lana said sarcastically as they moved over to join them.
"Short version," Pam sighed. "She's a bounty hunter. That Krieger was running from her mobster uncle for some reason. Probably because he didn't want to be part of a drug making scheme or something…"
"Close enough," Carmine said.
"That does make more sense than a Krieger having a fiancée," Cyril admitted. "That was actually starting to bug me."
"Me too," Lana admitted.
"I gotta admit," Ray shrugged. "That does make more sense."
"It's not that improbable!" Krieger snapped.
"Kind of is," Cheryl said.
"Boss he's dead!" Mook pointed to Alan on the table.
"Yeah, I can see that Mook!" Carmine snapped. "I know a dead body when I see one! Especially when his brains are leaking out all over the floor!"
"You guys are so going to get ants," Mook remarked.
"That is the least of the things they should be concerned with right now!" Carmine said. "What the hell happened to him?"
"We had a little accident," Krieger admitted.
"A LITTLE ACCIDENT?" Alison shouted. "He looks like he was mauled by a freaking bear!"
"Cougar actually," Krieger said.
"You killed him with a cougar?" Alison shouted.
"No! The cougar killed him because he had a hangover!" Krieger said.
"Wait who had the hangover?" Mook asked. "This guy or the cougar?"
"The cougar had a hangover," Krieger explained. "Alan was drunk and was poking at it…"
"We're not getting paid, are we?" Ray groaned.
"No, we are not," Lana sighed.
Ray let out a breath. "Aw man!"
"I hate it when this happens!" Cyril groaned. "Thanks a lot Krieger!"
"How is this my fault?" Krieger snapped. "I said I was going to make a new one!"
"What do you mean by a new…?" Carmine then noticed the lab. "Great Godfather what the hell…?"
"What the hell is all this?" Alison noticed the weird tubes and embryos. "Are those…babies of…That one looks like! OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah here's the thing," Krieger coughed. "Alan's gone. So, I thought I'd make a new Alan and transfer the old clone's memories into the new clone so…"
"CLONE?" Alison, Carmine and Mook shouted.
"As in…Invasion of?" Mook looked around.
"Pretty much," Ray sighed. "Only without the evil empire backing them. And they're clones of Krieger here. Not Jango Fett."
"And our Krieger may already be a clone of the original Krieger," Cheryl spoke up. "Who was probably a Nazi experiment."
"Let me see if I get this straight," Alison looked around. "Alan is a clone of you?"
"Yeaahhhh," Krieger admitted sheepishly. "That's not a problem is it?"
"Compared to the one we have at the moment," Ray looked at him. "No."
"Are you saying this guy is like a Dr. Frankenstein here?" Carmine was stunned.
"Well if by saying I'm like Dr. Frankenstein I work with bringing corpses to life," Krieger shrugged. "Then no."
"Yes! You brought back at least two corpses to life!" Pam snapped. "Including Ray!"
"Technically Ray wasn't completely dead," Krieger said.
"Katya was!" Lana snapped.
"No, she wasn't!" Krieger protested. "Just pretty dead. So pretty."
"Eewwwww…." Both Mook and Alison winced.
"And now she's the head of the KGB," Cheryl spoke up.
"Wait what?" Mook did a double take. "The KGB in Moscow?"
"No, she means the KGB in Kentucky!" Carmine snapped. "Wait, hang on…Seriously?"
"Yuup," Lana sighed. "It's a long story."
"You really shouldn't tell people that," Alison blinked.
"Well this explains how Alan Krieger was able to do all the science stuff he did," Mook remarked.
"This is nothing," Pam waved. "You should see all the robot cyborg sex clones he made of us!"
"They weren't specifically sex clones!" Krieger snapped. "That was just one of their features!"
"You really should not be telling people that," Alison winced. She then saw the head and hand of one of the robot Krieger's. "Oh God!"
"Let me make something clear," Carmine looked around. "I'm usually not one to judge. Considering my profession and the people I work with. But this…This is too freaky and nuts even for me!"
"What do we do now boss?" Mook asked.
"I could just make another Alan," Krieger suggested.
"Or I could just take you," Carmine looked at Krieger. "Since you are the freaking original. I might as well get my ideas from the source."
"Okay so…" Cyril said. "I'm sure we can work out a plan where Krieger can work for you for a small fee…"
"You're gonna sell me to the mob?" Krieger shouted.
"Loan you," Cyril corrected. "Like a consultant. Oh, don't look at me like that Krieger! We do need the money!"
"From the mob?" Lana snapped.
"Lana, we used to run our own damn drug cartel for the CIA!" Pam snapped. "It's not like we have the high ground here!"
"You ran a drug cartel?" Mook was stunned.
"From the C-I-Freaking A?" Carmine asked.
"It didn't go well," Pam sighed.
"Little tip," Ray sighed. "Never smuggle cocaine into Columbia."
"I heard about that!" Carmine gasped. "That was you guys?"
"Archer's idea actually," Cyril sighed. "Not important. What is important is that the Figgis Agency is more than willing to lend you Krieger for whatever project you need. For a small fee of course."
"Actually, I was thinking of a different strategy," Carmine pointed his gun at them. "We take Krieger here and you lot…"
"EEEE!" Cheryl excitedly ripped open her blouse revealing her pink bra. "You're going to take us to be your sex slaves and live in your sex slave dungeon and spank us and whip us while you're wearing a diaper and do depraved, horrible things to us?"
"NO!" Carmine shouted, clearly horrified. "No! What is wrong with you?"
"Well we haven't had her professionally diagnosed," Krieger spoke up. "But on top of an alcohol/drug/glue addiction and a severe case of affluent-enza, we suspect a multiple personality disorder, neuroticism, pyromania, sexual addiction with severe masochistic tendencies, arrested development to the fourth degree and possibly some childhood abuse."
"What is she?" Carmine asked. "A Tunt?"
"Actually yes," Cheryl spoke up. "How did you know?"
Carmine turned to Mook. "See this is one of the reasons I never fooled around on my wife. Too many weirdoes and freaks out there!"
"Well there's going to be a few less of them," Alison pointed her gun at the gang.
"SQUUEEEEEE!"
That's when Piggly in his glowing green glory charged right at her. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" She screamed turning her gun on Piggly.
"Piggly!" Krieger shouted. "Attack!"
"What the hell is that thing?" Carmine whirled his gun away from the gang.
When Mook turned around as well, Lana used that split-second advantage to move forward and kick the gun out of Alison's hand, knocking her backward. At the same time Pam and Ray rushed Carmine and Mook.
With Pam tacking Mook. "SPLOOSH!"
"HEY! GET OFF ME!" Mook shouted. Then Pam punched him. "OW! YOU HIT HARD!"
Ray used his super speed to knock the gun out of Carmine's hand. At the very same time Piggly charged at Alison. "Get that thing away from me!" Alison screamed as she backed up her hands reaching for a weapon.
What they found was the inside of the tank with the electric eel in it. "AAAAAHHH!" She screamed as the eel bit her. She screamed even louder when it sent off an electric charge.
"Hey! Get away from my electric eel!" Krieger shouted.
"WHAT?" Carmine yelled. He got away from Ray and ran to help his niece. "Alison!"
"Boss! Wait!" Mook shouted. "Don't…!"
"AAAAHHH!" Carmine screamed as he was electrocuted as well.
"Touch her," Mook winced. "You could get electrocuted too."
"Is that possible that an electric eel can electrocute people?" Cheryl asked.
"Mine can," Krieger shrugged. "I kind of juiced it so it's a little more powerful than most eels."
"Why would you supercharge an electric eel?" Cyril shouted.
"Why wouldn't I?" Krieger blinked.
"I told you having that thing was too much trouble!" Ray snapped.
"Yeah I really should have put a lid on that," Krieger remarked.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
"Zappy!" Krieger shouted as Mook managed to throw Pam off and shoot the eel through the tank. "NOOO!"
CRACK! CRACK! SHATTER!
Water, blood and a dead eel fell to the floor, contents spilling out all over the lab. "Forget ants," Pam moved away from the water. "We're gonna get water bugs!"
"Squeeee!" Piggly ran off in the opposite direction.
"I'm gonna make green eggs and ham outta that thing if my boss gets it!" Mook shouted as both Carmine and Alison fell to the floor.
"I'm willing to trade the pig's life in exchange for ours," Cyril groaned as Mook carefully looked at the bodies without touching them.
"Great!" Mook shouted. "My boss is dead! And his niece! Which honestly isn't that much of a loss because I never really liked her. But my boss is dead and I'm out of a job!"
"Unemployment is a bitch isn't it?" Pam remarked.
"So's karma," Mook trained his gun on the gang.
"Or," Cyril thought quickly. "I'm just spit balling here…You could just say he had a heart attack and take over his entire operation."
Mook paused. "I'm listening."
"I mean come on," Cyril went on. "The only people who know what happened are in this room. And we're not going to say anything. And I know you're not going to say anything. I mean, who would believe it? Am I right?"
Mook looked around. "You do have a point. I was here and even I don't believe it!"
"You could always say Alison Alias over here took the money and ran," Lana pointed. "Bounty hunters have been known to do that."
"Never did like her," Mook rationalized as he put the gun away. "And I have some good ideas how to increase the business so…Okay. Let's call this even."
"You're not gonna murder us? Awwwww…" Cheryl said disappointed.
"Don't engage her," Lana sighed.
"Wasn't planning on it," Mook told her.
"And if you do need any help with any kind of bounty hunting operation or detective work…" Cyril began.
"Really Cyril?" Lana snapped. "The mob?"
"We worked for the God Damn CIA Lana!" Cyril snapped. "They had us doing assassinations for Christ's sake! It's a little too late to be picky!"
"Yeah let's just say don't call me, I'll call you…" Mook picked up his former boss carefully. After making sure there wasn't still a current in him.
"You uh, need help with that?" Krieger asked. "Because I could gladly dismember…"
"No, no! I'm good!" Mook said quickly. "I'm good! Not the first heart attack I've staged so…Yeah. You can have that corpse if you want." He indicated Alison's body.
"YES!" Krieger's eyes lit up.
"YOU'RE NOT TURNING HER INTO A CYBORG SEX TOY!" Lana shouted.
"Lame," Krieger frowned. "And she wouldn't be exclusively a sex toy."
"Let me be straight with you," Mook said. "All my life I've dealt with wise guys, murderers, crooks, backstabbers, crazy people…Didn't faze me. But you guys…. Are the scariest lunatics I've ever met! I mean you guys shouldn't even be in the detective business. You're more criminal than I am!"
"We get that a lot," Cyril sighed.
"Like all the time," Pam said. "So uh, Mook, are you single?"
"What?" Mook blinked. "Are you hitting on me as I'm carrying a corpse?"
"Do you find that sexy?" Pam purred.
"I do!" Cheryl giggled. "Mook what's your position on choke sex?"
"I know some positions on sex period that would really rock your world," Pam grinned.
"You can even bring the dead guy," Cheryl squealed. "He can watch."
"I'm going to leave now," Mook backed away clearly terrified. "And I'm going to pretend this night never happened!"
"Odds are so will we," Ray sighed. "I mean I know Cheryl will take enough drugs to black out…"
"Okay…" Mook then went and managed to pick up Alison's corpse. "I think I'm going to take this body too. Because I have a feeling leaving it here will be a bad idea!"
"Well you're not wrong," Cyril sighed.
"If you ever need any missing limbs replaced with cyborg parts, call me!" Krieger called out as Mook left.
"Wait," Pam realized. "Are we getting paid?"
"Seriously?" Lana looked at her.
"Oh, right," Pam looked at the mess.
"Well," Krieger grinned. "All's well that ends well."
"How did this end up well?" Lana barked. "Alan, Alison and a mob boss are dead!"
"As well as an eel," Cyril added.
"But we're not," Ray pointed out. "And the cops won't be called in and arrest us. That's good enough for me."
"Also, nobody says anything about this to Ms. Archer," Cyril spoke up.
"Even I'm not stupid to tell her about a mob boss and his bounty hunting bitch of a niece getting accidentally whacked by us," Pam admitted.
"So, what about these guys?" Krieger pointed to his clones in the tanks.
"Seriously?" Cyril snapped.
"Put them on ice Krieger," Ray suggested. "Because if Ms. Archer finds out how you nearly ruined us all, you might need them as replacements for you!"