"Coming for drinks tonight?" asked Serena as she shrugged on her coat and collected her things, more than ready for a little relaxation after the day she had had.
Bernie hesitated before replying, not meeting the brunette's gaze. "I can't I'm afraid. Something I need to do tonight."
Perching on the edge of the blonde's desk, Serena frowned. "Surely nothing that can't wait a couple of glasses of Shiraz?"
Finally looking up, Bernie shook her head. "I'm meeting Alex."
"Oh," breathed Serena. There was a name she hadn't heard in a while. After the news of Bernie's affair had broken, the pair had spoken a few times about the other woman, but only ever briefly. The blonde had never truly opened up to her about that particular topic, and she hadn't pressed the subject. She had assumed, apparently wrongly, that when Alex had left Holby, and Bernie had made no further mention of her, that they had ended things.
"I just…I need to see her," sighed Bernie. "Face to face. I need to sort things out."
It shouldn't bother her, Serena thought, that the army medic was meeting Alex. But it did. It unsettled her, leaving her with a queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach. "You haven't mentioned her in a while."
The blonde hung her head. "When Cameron was admitted, he told me she had been at the house, looking for me."
The older woman frowned. Bernie hadn't lived at the house she had shared with Marcus for months now. "She doesn't know where you are?"
Bernie shook her head. "She has no idea where I live. I never told her I moved. I haven't spoken to her at all, actually. Not since she left." She stood, pacing the small room. "I've pretty much ignored every message she's sent me. I just…I haven't been ready to deal with all of that."
"But you're ready now?" asked Serena.
The blonde halted, turning to look at her, her eyes lingering on the brunette's face. "I need to be. It's time…"
The brunette nodded. "Well, good luck I guess," she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. If she thought she had been in need of a drink before, she was in need of ten now. Over the past few months she had come to know Bernie and all her quirks and had become really rather fond of her. She had a partner in crime, an ally and a constant source of playful teasing. Yes, it was safe to say she had taken to Bernie and her permanent position on AAU rather well. Thinking back, she wasn't quite sure what she had done before the blonde had appeared in her life. It was like the woman had always been there.
What hadn't always been there, she realised however, was the jealousy. She held Bernie's gaze, searching, but for what, she couldn't say. "You deserve to be happy, Bernie," she said, forcing the words to leave her throat. Pushing herself up from the desk, she made for the door. "Better catch up with Morven and the boys."
Bernie watched the door to their office swing closed behind the brunette, leaving her alone in the oppressive silence.
Alex smiled broadly as she watched Bernie entered the bar. Civilian life was clearly treating her well. Standing, she waved the blonde over to the table she had managed to get for them. "I was worried you might not come," she breathed as Bernie approached. "Hope you don't mind. I bought you a drink. Whisky sour, just the way you like it." She stepped around the table, making to open her arms to the woman she hadn't seen in months. Any hope she felt at their meeting, however, dissipated as she watched Bernie halt, clearly not interested in the physical contact she was offering.
The blonde took the seat opposite to her own, leaving her standing awkwardly. Blinking to clear the tears that threatened, the younger woman took a deep breath before taking her own seat once more.
"It's not that cold in her, Bern. You can take your coat off," she said, forcing a smile, clinging to the last shred of hope she had that this wasn't to be it. She had left Holby and Bernie to give her space to adjust to life outside of the army, the chance to settle herself. She had tried to keep in touch, but until today, had got nothing in return. She had told herself the blonde just wasn't ready.
Looking at her now, though, Alex knew she was ready. She was ready to move on, and she was leaving her behind. "At least say something, Bernie."
The blonde finally met her gaze, tears in her own eyes. "I'm sorry."
Alex shook her head, losing her own battle against tears. "No…Please." She reached forward and grabbed the older woman's hands. "Tell me what I need to do."
Bernie shook her head. "There's nothing you can do. I am sorry. I truly am."
The younger woman gripped the blonde's hands tightly. "What did I do wrong?"
Blinking to clear her vision, Bernie took a deep breath. "You did nothing wrong. Nothing. You let me discover a side to myself I barely even knew existed. Helped me realise that all these years, I'd been hiding such a huge part of myself…and I will always love you for that."
"This is you saying goodbye, isn't it?"
Finding herself oddly calm, Bernie nodded slowly. "These past months…so much has happened, Alex. I'm not the same person I was out there. I'm not Major Wolfe anymore. What we had, it was amazing and I'll never forget it, but I can't pretend it's what I want. I won't pretend anymore. Neither of us deserve it."
The younger woman let Bernie's hands drop, wiping at her eyes. She couldn't deny it, there was something different about the woman before her now. She wasn't the same woman she had stolen so many illicit moments with. Gone were the nervous touches, the hesitancy, the fearful glint in her eye. Alex had once hoped she would be the cause of that. Looking at her now though, she realised that this butterfly had emerged from its cocoon without her. Someone else had given Berenice Wolfe her wings, and with them the strength to fly. "Who is she?"
The startled look on Bernie's face told Alex she hadn't missed and hit the wall. She sighed, reaching for the blonde's untouched drink and downing it in one. "Don't deny it, Bern," she said quietly. "I'd rather know the truth. I don't want some poor version of 'it's me, not you'. If there's someone else, there's someone else. I think we both know, the heart wants what the heart wants."
"It was Cameron who made me realise," admitted Bernie.
Alex nodded. "He always was a smart kid."
"Yeah," sniffled the blonde. "Too smart for his own good." Hesitantly, she reached out and put a gentle hand on Alex's forearm. "For what it's worth, nothing has happened. I don't know if it even will…"
There was something to be taken from that, Alex supposed. Bernie had respected her and that they had enough to tell her to her face. To bring an end to what they had before taking a step forward into the unknown. Standing, she grabbed her coat from the back of her chair, before leaning down to place a final kiss to the blonde's lips, tasting the salt of their mingled tears. "You deserve to be happy, Bernie."
For the second time that night, Bernie found herself sitting alone as Alex turned and left the bar without once looking back.
Bernie hesitated outside of Albie's, colliding with Fletch and as he came barrelling out the door.
"Sorry, Ms Wolfe!" he apologised, stopping to make sure he hadn't managed to injure her. "Mikey trouble, gotta run!"
She nodded, only half paying attention. "Fletch? Is Serena still here?" she called out, finally coming to her senses as he made to jog off.
He let out a bark of laughter. "Yeah, she's in there. Good luck though, she's in a right stinker of a mood!"
Fabulous, she thought. Just what she needed right now. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open, making her way towards the bar as she scanned the room for Serena. She jumped at the tap on her shoulder. She turned to find Jac Naylor perched on a barstool, glass in hand. Since she had offered her the job at Holby, the two hadn't spoken a great deal, and yet had somehow managed to maintain an easy, if rather distant friendship with each other. Without saying a word, the copper haired surgeon pointed to the table in the corner, where Bernie could just make out Serena hunched in the chair by the wall, leaning over a glass of wine.
She narrowed her eyes at the heart specialist, who only rolled her eyes as if the answer to Bernie's unasked question was obvious.
"I wouldn't bother ordering a drink either. Just another glass. She'll probably need help with that second bottle."
Bernie raised an eyebrow at the statement, before attracting the attention of the barman and asking for a clean wine glass. "Thanks," she nodded, before taking a deep breath and making her way over to her friend and colleague.
Serena looked up as she approached the table, eyebrows raised as a frown made its way onto her features. Without saying anything, Bernie sat, filling her glass from the bottle of Shiraz on the table.
"Morven left with Zosia. She convinced her to go and try somewhere new and a bit more exciting than here," said Serena, as though trying to defend the fact she was currently sat alone. "And the boys had some childcare disaster to attend to." She let her eyes linger on the blonde, who was yet to say anything. Yet to even remove her coat. She was, however, making short work of the glass of wine she had poured herself. "Bernie, are you all right?" It really should have been the first thing she'd asked.
"I don't know," came the answer as the younger woman looked up to meet Serena's gaze.
"How did things go with Alex?" asked Serena, reaching over to refill the blonde's now empty glass. She hated to ask, but her own curiosity wouldn't let it go. She had to imagine that if Bernie had returned so soon, and wearing her current expression, that it hadn't gone well. Taking a large mouthful from her own glass, she vowed to be supportive whatever had happened. That's what good friends did.
"Better than I expected."
Serena suddenly found it difficult to swallow the wine in her mouth, that same feeling in the pit of her stomach from earlier returning. "Oh. Well, that's good." She held Bernie's gaze, trying to fathom out what precisely it was flashing through her eyes in that moment.
"I told her it was over," said the blonde. "I'm not the same person I was. And I can't go back. I can't pretend anymore. I won't."
The older woman couldn't have stopped the shock showing on her face if she tried.
"I've changed. What I want has changed," Bernie went on, her eyes never leaving Serena's. "Who I want has changed."
Serena felt her breathing quicken as her heart rate soared. It wasn't a conscious choice, but rather, an involuntary reaction to the woman before her and what she could read in those brown eyes. "Bernie…"
Breaking their shared gaze, the blonde let her eyes settle on the bottle on the table between them. This was it. This was the moment she was going to put it all on the line. To trust that what she had seen in Serena's eyes in all those playful moments they had shared had not been a figment of her imagination, that all those gentle touches hadn't been accidental. She couldn't think what might happen if she was wrong, not right now. If she did, the words she needed to say would never leave her lips. "I don't know what you did to me, Serena, but the changes in me…they've all been because of you. For you. You make me want to be better, and when I falter and don't quite make it, you're always there with the right words and helping hand, showing me how to go on. When I arrived at Holby, I could never have imagined wanting to stay." Taking a deep breath, she found the courage to look up and meet the older woman's gaze. "But now…I couldn't leave you if I tried."
Not the hospital. Not the trauma unit. You. The woman. She struggled to wrap her mind around what the blonde was saying. Was she mad?
"I know the timing is awful, and I'm a mess of a human being, but I refuse to lie to you anymore," the blonde went on, Serena still in somewhat of a daze. "Serena?" Bernie prompted when the brunette remained silent, her gaze slightly unfocused. Her stomach dropped when the older woman continued to remain silent.
Suddenly, Serena was standing, the action alone breaking Bernie. She was going to be left sitting alone for a third time that night. She had been wrong. She didn't dare to think of the further reaching implications. And not only to her, but to her career. She gasped when warm fingers closed around her wrist. She didn't have a choice as she was dragged from the table by the brunette.
Heart pounding, she followed silently as she was lead outside and to the side of the building where she was pushed roughly against wall, barely having time to contemplate the turn of events before Serena's lips were on hers. She responded without hesitation, easily matching the older woman's movements. Her hands slid around the brunette's back, one hugging her waist as the other moved to slide into chestnut locks. As roughly as she had been pushed against the wall, their kiss was so gentle and tender that it brought tears to the blonde's eyes. She kept her eyes closed as she felt Serena pull back, not sure she was quite ready to face her yet.
The older woman reached up to cradle the so called macho army medic's face in her hands, wiping away stray tears with the pads of her thumbs. "Bernie?" she breathed, her smile widening as eyelids fluttered open to reveal those beautiful brown orbs. Neither of them were perfect. Neither were their situations, but none of that mattered right now. "Are you happy?"
The laugh that Bernie let out was pure joy. She smiled widely down at the woman in her arms. "Yes. I am now."