Angry Green Midget
A parody of the Garlic Jr. Saga
By Strife
Disclaimer: DBZ doesn't belong to me, and it's probably a good thing.
Vegeta muttered underneath his breath as Goku slammed the pair of small plastic pieces onto the Monopoly board. It wasn't bad enough he was losing by several hundred dollars, but now that idiot Kakarrot owned two motels on Dragon Way. It surprised Vegeta that Goku even knew how to play.
"Gee, that's two more motels for me." Goku quipped a little too innocently for Vegeta's liking. Bulma sighed, twirling the small metal gaming piece with the very disturbing resemblance to Chiaotzu between her thumb and forefinger.
"Quit scowling and roll the dice, Vegeta." She stated. Vegeta grimaced.
"Don't tell me what to do, woman!" He muttered, rolling the two die anyway. It landed on a four, which meant one thing; Community Chest. He snatched up the card from the top of the pile, and from the way his left eye twitched, one could assume it was not the bearer of good news.
"I've one second place in a beauty pageant?!" Vegeta demanded angrily. "I'm a prince! I don't do beauty pageants! It's even more of an insult that I've come second!"
"Maybe I won it." Goku mumbled weakly. The look Vegeta gave him was rather scary.
"Read the bit below that." Bulma stated flatly. Vegeta did so. His face turned even redder.
"You have won second place in a beauty contest..." He forced through clenched teeth. "Hit Vegeta across the head. With. The. Bank?!"
Goku raised his hand. "Does he have to do that one?"
"It does not say that!" Bulma exulted, snatching the small card away from the angered Sayijin. She read it, and tried not to let the smile creep onto her face. It was futile. "Goku, who's been sabotaging the Monopoly cards?"
"Huh?" Said Goku, his expression mimicking that of guppies at feeding time. Vegeta pouted, crossed his arms and looked the other way, in an attempt to retain a tiny shred of pride. Bulma flipped the card over and pointed quite plainly where the command on the card had been written on. Goku immediately burst into imbecilic laughter.
"Oh man!" He chortled. "That's a good one!"
"It's not funny, Kakarrot!" Vegeta snapped. Bulma sighed, and thrust the card back into the pile. "Roll the dice again Vegeta."
Vegeta's pout by this time was so large it could've developed sentience, but he complied. Six moves later, he was on Dragon Way, and Bulma cradled her face in her palm.
"Whoops, that's two hotels." Said Goku. "That'll be three thousand dollars thanks."
Fake money and game pieces flew in unison as Vegeta's fist came crashing through the board. Vegeta waved his arms about his head and began prancing about the table, huffing and puffing and looking very irate.
"You cheat!" He accused.
"Do not!" Goku shot back.
"Boys, boys!" Bulma intervened. "We all know it. You both cheat. What compounds that fact is that you were both also losing!" She smiled in a sort of cheeky, self righteous way. Vegeta was pulling his best `I-just-sucked-a-lemon' face.
"Quiet woman! Quiet!" He demanded.
It was then that Yamcha came walking into the room. He waved, and both Bulma and Goku waved enthusiastically back. Vegeta, however, who had closed himself off from the proceedings and had gone into `sulky' mode, simply gave Yamcha a glare which could have probably killed a small potplant.
"Whatcha playing?" He asked, pulling up the chair Vegeta had previously sat upon. He looked towards the irate Sayijin prince. "Yo, grab me a can of V8 from the bar fridge will ya?"
Neither Goku nor Bulma expected the request to be carried out, and when Vegeta's forearm met up with the back of Yamcha's skull it wasn't a total surprise either. The prince stalked out of the room, leaving Yamcha in a crumpled heap amongst the disarray of monopoly pieces.
~
Far from this...happy scene, deeper, darker and uglier things are brewing. Garlic Jr. surveyed the carnage he had created with unbridled glee, despite the fact that the only followers he had managed to pick up since his daring escape from the Dead Zone was a pathetic aspiring boy band known only as the Spice Boys. Rubbing a hand over his bald, green dome as if he were making a wish, Garlic Jr. strode forward, kicking a stiff rather girlishly from his path.
Revenge will be mine. He thought to himself. Hey, why do I even think in this weird croaky whisper?
A large Spice Boy called Vinegar came rushing towards his dark - if not short and disgruntled - leader.
"What's next boss?" He closed his eyes and began to hum `Tie a Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree.' Garlic Jr. shuddered.
"Next," He shouted in his loudest possible screechy whisper. "We go to Kami's look out and take out..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Mr. Popo! Bwahaha!"
"Wouldn't we want to take out Kami too?"
"Well duh." Said Garlic Jr. "But Mr. Popo is more amusing to say." Seeming Vinegar was staring blankly at him, Garlic shrugged. "Whatever."
~
Piccolo was bored. He sat cross legged next to a lake, sensing the old fart's presence long before he managed to hobble onto the scene. Sighing deeply, Piccolo tried to pretend he didn't notice Kami's arrival.
"Piccolo." The ancient Namek wheezed.
"What do you want?" Piccolo demanded. He could really use a nap.
"You're still rude, arrogant and lacking in good old fashioned people skills," Kami said. "Damn, I've missed it! Anyhow, I've rocked up here to ask you whether you want to take over the Kami gig. You know, Guardian of the Earth and all that jazz?"
"Shove off, you old fart." Piccolo replied. "Whoops, sorry, habit. I meant to say `What?'" Piccolo inexplicably blasted a large hunk of ground, and turned to face Kami. "Nope, sorry, I did mean to say shove off you old fart. I don't want your crappy job."
"Look buddy, I'm running on a clock here!" Kami said indignantly. "I need someone to become fucking Kami!"
"Who's clock?" Piccolo asked out of curiosity.
"My own." Kami replied. "Duh."
"Look, I don't want your stupid job, okay?" Piccolo snapped back huffily in reply. "However, I should warn you I've been having some pretty funky visions lately. Can't remember all of it. Something to do with the gay pride flag and some one great evil and you getting blasted into little bits." He paused. "Don't even ask about the flag. Could've been that jar of mayonnaise I ate before bed."
"I can't believe my fate is being dictated by your disgusting eating habits!" Kami said.
"Deal with it!" Piccolo retorted, and with a flying leap, he ascended. Kami crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, creating a whole new community of wrinkles as he did so.
"Well, he was rude."
~
Mr. Popo never saw them coming. His chubby body was compacted into a wall, holding his watering can up weakly as his only source of defence as Garlic Jr. and his boys stalked towards him.
"Garlic Jr.!" Popo stated the blindingly obvious. Looking around frantically, he heaved his tubby frame from the wall and sprinted heavily across the diabolically damaged garden. "Magic carpet!" He bawled, heaving the small red orb into the air. He mounted it awkwardly, and due to his stupendous weight, the carpet seemed to be having difficulty gaining enough momentum to actually depart.
"Stop him!" Garlic Jr. ordered. The Spice Boys, who had been watching Popo's sluggish fleeing, flung some netting towards him; Popo dodged with more spryness than you'd expect from such a chubster, but alas, his large ass was not as spry and got wedged firmly in between the nets projected by the Spice Boys.
"Bwahahaha!" Garlic Jr. cackled insanely, approaching Mr. Popo. "Now tell me, where is Kami?!"
"I don't know!" Popo wailed.
"Yes you do!" Garlic snapped, allowing one of his boys to lift him up so he could smack Popo upside the back of the head.
"Mr. Popo does not lie!"
"Mr. Popo needs to go on a friggen big diet." Garlic Jr. countered, conveniently shrinking the large gardener into a palm sized Popo. He smirked toothily. "There, I've just saved you a hell of a lot of points on your Jenny Craig program, fat boy." Sticking Popo into a bottle he had oddly stored in his dress, he shook it up a little just to be the malicious, evil creature that he is.
"What would Kami say in a situation like this?" Popo asked himself mournfully, as he lolled about in the small jar. He grimaced. "Drink a barrel of beer and everything will be fine by morning." Oh, how philosophy just wasn't helping.
~
Back at Kame House, Krillin had brought around his new girlfriend Marron for a visit. Master Roshi, Yamcha, Bulma, Krillin, Oolong, Puar and the Krillin's new love were all sitting around the table, engrossed in a game of Poker. Well, all except for Marron. There was nothing that could engross her one brain cell. Yamcha, who could never get laid with a sober woman, was going for the next best thing. He handed Marron a mini bottle of vodka and a can of V8.
"C'mon, let's party!" He said, raising his eyebrows semi-seductively, semi-idiotically. Marron smiled and batted her eyelashes.
Krillin grabbed the small bottle of vodka and chugged it. That was about the seventh one he'd chugged that afternoon. Gotta keep `em away from Marron. He thought hazily. Hey, now I can see two Marron's! Cool, threesome!
"Marron my sweet," He addressed Bulma, who happened to be sitting next to his girlfriend. "Would you like to show `em if you got `em?"
"I'm Marron!" Marron squealed, grabbing Krillin's chin and quickly wiping a splatter of dribble onto Puar, who looked deeply, deeply offended. "Like, gross!"
"People drool Marron!" Krillin quipped. Bulma grabbed Krillin's bald dome and swiveled it in her direction.
"Show `em if you've got `em?" She demanded angrily. Krillin blinked.
"I meant cards." He said, flittering his eyelashes innocently. Oolong snorted.
"How can you stand that whiny thing?" He said under his breath. Krillin looked disorientated as he stared at Bulma and his girlfriend.
"Which one?" He slurred.
"Maybe I'll marry you Krillin," Bulma said testily. "Then I'd have a whiny thing of my own."
"Drinks anyone?" Suggested Yamcha, although his eyes were still on Marron. Krillin giggled, rubbing the back of his head.
"Sorry Bulma, I'll have to say no to that one." Apparently, he had not detected the sarcasm in her voice. He suddenly became very serious. "You scare me."
"Puar scares you, boy." Roshi added in his two cents. He then laughed and showed all his cards. "Read em and weep fellas, full house. That means I win the date with Marron!"
"You're playing for a date with my girlfriend?!" Krillin demanded. Marron blushed.
"It's okay Krillin, I didn't know either." She suddenly giggled rather stupidly. "Hey, I was playing for a date with myself! Hee hee, I wonder what I would've done if I had've won?"
"Well, one or two things spring to..." Yamcha's words were cut short when Bulma caught him by the ear and violently thrashed his head about. Krillin gaped and tried not to cry.
"Rematch?" He suggested lamely. Oolong sighed.
"Poor dope."
~
Kami floated back to his lookout to find the garden looking like it had been trampled by a herd of elephants; he stared at the huge crack in the concrete, which, disturbingly enough was in exactly the same shape as Mr. Popo's ass. He narrowed his eyes.
"Come out, whoever you are." Kami said. "I can see you!" He suddenly realized he had massively contradicted himself, but brushed it off. He was old, dammit. Garlic Jr. rolled his eyes.
"Kami," He said in his loudest screechy whisper. Apparently, the old fool didn't hear him. He mumbled a curse word in frustration, and tried again. "Kami! Oh fuck it." Garlic Jr. shuffled from his throne.
"Garlic Jr.!" Said Kami. "It can't be!"
"It SO can!" Garlic said.
"But where is Mr. Popo?" Kami demanded.
Garlic paused. "Now where did I..." He reached into his road, fumbled around, and pulled free the jar. "Here is your precious Mr. Popo!"
"That's quite a weight loss program." Commented Kami. Garlic Jr. shrugged.
"You know, that was exactly my thoughts on the matter." He stuffed Popo back down his frock. "Anyhow, you die now!"
"You fiend!" Said Kami, making no actual attempt to defend himself. The Spice Boys suddenly appeared quite out of nowhere, and Kami wasn't certain, but it sure looked like they were doing some sort of bizarre choreographed dance routine. Garlic Jr. sighed deeply - good help was so hard to find these days. "Listen silky boys, cut the boy band crap and take down the old fart!"
"It's Spice Boys, actually." The British one snapped, pointing out his little finger as he did so. Garlic's left eye twitched and for a moment, he almost resembled Vegeta. "Oh fine." He pouted.
The Spice Boys all pounced, netting Kami, who struggled very feebly. Garlic Jr. cackled insanely as he shrunk and bottled the ancient Namek. He held the jar up high.
"I so rule!" He giggled. The Spice Boys all spun simultaneously in a long line, and did the `Too Cool' dance. Kami rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I'm sliding downhill..."
To Be Continued...
A parody of the Garlic Jr. Saga
By Strife
Disclaimer: DBZ doesn't belong to me, and it's probably a good thing.
Vegeta muttered underneath his breath as Goku slammed the pair of small plastic pieces onto the Monopoly board. It wasn't bad enough he was losing by several hundred dollars, but now that idiot Kakarrot owned two motels on Dragon Way. It surprised Vegeta that Goku even knew how to play.
"Gee, that's two more motels for me." Goku quipped a little too innocently for Vegeta's liking. Bulma sighed, twirling the small metal gaming piece with the very disturbing resemblance to Chiaotzu between her thumb and forefinger.
"Quit scowling and roll the dice, Vegeta." She stated. Vegeta grimaced.
"Don't tell me what to do, woman!" He muttered, rolling the two die anyway. It landed on a four, which meant one thing; Community Chest. He snatched up the card from the top of the pile, and from the way his left eye twitched, one could assume it was not the bearer of good news.
"I've one second place in a beauty pageant?!" Vegeta demanded angrily. "I'm a prince! I don't do beauty pageants! It's even more of an insult that I've come second!"
"Maybe I won it." Goku mumbled weakly. The look Vegeta gave him was rather scary.
"Read the bit below that." Bulma stated flatly. Vegeta did so. His face turned even redder.
"You have won second place in a beauty contest..." He forced through clenched teeth. "Hit Vegeta across the head. With. The. Bank?!"
Goku raised his hand. "Does he have to do that one?"
"It does not say that!" Bulma exulted, snatching the small card away from the angered Sayijin. She read it, and tried not to let the smile creep onto her face. It was futile. "Goku, who's been sabotaging the Monopoly cards?"
"Huh?" Said Goku, his expression mimicking that of guppies at feeding time. Vegeta pouted, crossed his arms and looked the other way, in an attempt to retain a tiny shred of pride. Bulma flipped the card over and pointed quite plainly where the command on the card had been written on. Goku immediately burst into imbecilic laughter.
"Oh man!" He chortled. "That's a good one!"
"It's not funny, Kakarrot!" Vegeta snapped. Bulma sighed, and thrust the card back into the pile. "Roll the dice again Vegeta."
Vegeta's pout by this time was so large it could've developed sentience, but he complied. Six moves later, he was on Dragon Way, and Bulma cradled her face in her palm.
"Whoops, that's two hotels." Said Goku. "That'll be three thousand dollars thanks."
Fake money and game pieces flew in unison as Vegeta's fist came crashing through the board. Vegeta waved his arms about his head and began prancing about the table, huffing and puffing and looking very irate.
"You cheat!" He accused.
"Do not!" Goku shot back.
"Boys, boys!" Bulma intervened. "We all know it. You both cheat. What compounds that fact is that you were both also losing!" She smiled in a sort of cheeky, self righteous way. Vegeta was pulling his best `I-just-sucked-a-lemon' face.
"Quiet woman! Quiet!" He demanded.
It was then that Yamcha came walking into the room. He waved, and both Bulma and Goku waved enthusiastically back. Vegeta, however, who had closed himself off from the proceedings and had gone into `sulky' mode, simply gave Yamcha a glare which could have probably killed a small potplant.
"Whatcha playing?" He asked, pulling up the chair Vegeta had previously sat upon. He looked towards the irate Sayijin prince. "Yo, grab me a can of V8 from the bar fridge will ya?"
Neither Goku nor Bulma expected the request to be carried out, and when Vegeta's forearm met up with the back of Yamcha's skull it wasn't a total surprise either. The prince stalked out of the room, leaving Yamcha in a crumpled heap amongst the disarray of monopoly pieces.
~
Far from this...happy scene, deeper, darker and uglier things are brewing. Garlic Jr. surveyed the carnage he had created with unbridled glee, despite the fact that the only followers he had managed to pick up since his daring escape from the Dead Zone was a pathetic aspiring boy band known only as the Spice Boys. Rubbing a hand over his bald, green dome as if he were making a wish, Garlic Jr. strode forward, kicking a stiff rather girlishly from his path.
Revenge will be mine. He thought to himself. Hey, why do I even think in this weird croaky whisper?
A large Spice Boy called Vinegar came rushing towards his dark - if not short and disgruntled - leader.
"What's next boss?" He closed his eyes and began to hum `Tie a Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree.' Garlic Jr. shuddered.
"Next," He shouted in his loudest possible screechy whisper. "We go to Kami's look out and take out..." He paused for dramatic effect. "Mr. Popo! Bwahaha!"
"Wouldn't we want to take out Kami too?"
"Well duh." Said Garlic Jr. "But Mr. Popo is more amusing to say." Seeming Vinegar was staring blankly at him, Garlic shrugged. "Whatever."
~
Piccolo was bored. He sat cross legged next to a lake, sensing the old fart's presence long before he managed to hobble onto the scene. Sighing deeply, Piccolo tried to pretend he didn't notice Kami's arrival.
"Piccolo." The ancient Namek wheezed.
"What do you want?" Piccolo demanded. He could really use a nap.
"You're still rude, arrogant and lacking in good old fashioned people skills," Kami said. "Damn, I've missed it! Anyhow, I've rocked up here to ask you whether you want to take over the Kami gig. You know, Guardian of the Earth and all that jazz?"
"Shove off, you old fart." Piccolo replied. "Whoops, sorry, habit. I meant to say `What?'" Piccolo inexplicably blasted a large hunk of ground, and turned to face Kami. "Nope, sorry, I did mean to say shove off you old fart. I don't want your crappy job."
"Look buddy, I'm running on a clock here!" Kami said indignantly. "I need someone to become fucking Kami!"
"Who's clock?" Piccolo asked out of curiosity.
"My own." Kami replied. "Duh."
"Look, I don't want your stupid job, okay?" Piccolo snapped back huffily in reply. "However, I should warn you I've been having some pretty funky visions lately. Can't remember all of it. Something to do with the gay pride flag and some one great evil and you getting blasted into little bits." He paused. "Don't even ask about the flag. Could've been that jar of mayonnaise I ate before bed."
"I can't believe my fate is being dictated by your disgusting eating habits!" Kami said.
"Deal with it!" Piccolo retorted, and with a flying leap, he ascended. Kami crossed his arms and furrowed his brow, creating a whole new community of wrinkles as he did so.
"Well, he was rude."
~
Mr. Popo never saw them coming. His chubby body was compacted into a wall, holding his watering can up weakly as his only source of defence as Garlic Jr. and his boys stalked towards him.
"Garlic Jr.!" Popo stated the blindingly obvious. Looking around frantically, he heaved his tubby frame from the wall and sprinted heavily across the diabolically damaged garden. "Magic carpet!" He bawled, heaving the small red orb into the air. He mounted it awkwardly, and due to his stupendous weight, the carpet seemed to be having difficulty gaining enough momentum to actually depart.
"Stop him!" Garlic Jr. ordered. The Spice Boys, who had been watching Popo's sluggish fleeing, flung some netting towards him; Popo dodged with more spryness than you'd expect from such a chubster, but alas, his large ass was not as spry and got wedged firmly in between the nets projected by the Spice Boys.
"Bwahahaha!" Garlic Jr. cackled insanely, approaching Mr. Popo. "Now tell me, where is Kami?!"
"I don't know!" Popo wailed.
"Yes you do!" Garlic snapped, allowing one of his boys to lift him up so he could smack Popo upside the back of the head.
"Mr. Popo does not lie!"
"Mr. Popo needs to go on a friggen big diet." Garlic Jr. countered, conveniently shrinking the large gardener into a palm sized Popo. He smirked toothily. "There, I've just saved you a hell of a lot of points on your Jenny Craig program, fat boy." Sticking Popo into a bottle he had oddly stored in his dress, he shook it up a little just to be the malicious, evil creature that he is.
"What would Kami say in a situation like this?" Popo asked himself mournfully, as he lolled about in the small jar. He grimaced. "Drink a barrel of beer and everything will be fine by morning." Oh, how philosophy just wasn't helping.
~
Back at Kame House, Krillin had brought around his new girlfriend Marron for a visit. Master Roshi, Yamcha, Bulma, Krillin, Oolong, Puar and the Krillin's new love were all sitting around the table, engrossed in a game of Poker. Well, all except for Marron. There was nothing that could engross her one brain cell. Yamcha, who could never get laid with a sober woman, was going for the next best thing. He handed Marron a mini bottle of vodka and a can of V8.
"C'mon, let's party!" He said, raising his eyebrows semi-seductively, semi-idiotically. Marron smiled and batted her eyelashes.
Krillin grabbed the small bottle of vodka and chugged it. That was about the seventh one he'd chugged that afternoon. Gotta keep `em away from Marron. He thought hazily. Hey, now I can see two Marron's! Cool, threesome!
"Marron my sweet," He addressed Bulma, who happened to be sitting next to his girlfriend. "Would you like to show `em if you got `em?"
"I'm Marron!" Marron squealed, grabbing Krillin's chin and quickly wiping a splatter of dribble onto Puar, who looked deeply, deeply offended. "Like, gross!"
"People drool Marron!" Krillin quipped. Bulma grabbed Krillin's bald dome and swiveled it in her direction.
"Show `em if you've got `em?" She demanded angrily. Krillin blinked.
"I meant cards." He said, flittering his eyelashes innocently. Oolong snorted.
"How can you stand that whiny thing?" He said under his breath. Krillin looked disorientated as he stared at Bulma and his girlfriend.
"Which one?" He slurred.
"Maybe I'll marry you Krillin," Bulma said testily. "Then I'd have a whiny thing of my own."
"Drinks anyone?" Suggested Yamcha, although his eyes were still on Marron. Krillin giggled, rubbing the back of his head.
"Sorry Bulma, I'll have to say no to that one." Apparently, he had not detected the sarcasm in her voice. He suddenly became very serious. "You scare me."
"Puar scares you, boy." Roshi added in his two cents. He then laughed and showed all his cards. "Read em and weep fellas, full house. That means I win the date with Marron!"
"You're playing for a date with my girlfriend?!" Krillin demanded. Marron blushed.
"It's okay Krillin, I didn't know either." She suddenly giggled rather stupidly. "Hey, I was playing for a date with myself! Hee hee, I wonder what I would've done if I had've won?"
"Well, one or two things spring to..." Yamcha's words were cut short when Bulma caught him by the ear and violently thrashed his head about. Krillin gaped and tried not to cry.
"Rematch?" He suggested lamely. Oolong sighed.
"Poor dope."
~
Kami floated back to his lookout to find the garden looking like it had been trampled by a herd of elephants; he stared at the huge crack in the concrete, which, disturbingly enough was in exactly the same shape as Mr. Popo's ass. He narrowed his eyes.
"Come out, whoever you are." Kami said. "I can see you!" He suddenly realized he had massively contradicted himself, but brushed it off. He was old, dammit. Garlic Jr. rolled his eyes.
"Kami," He said in his loudest screechy whisper. Apparently, the old fool didn't hear him. He mumbled a curse word in frustration, and tried again. "Kami! Oh fuck it." Garlic Jr. shuffled from his throne.
"Garlic Jr.!" Said Kami. "It can't be!"
"It SO can!" Garlic said.
"But where is Mr. Popo?" Kami demanded.
Garlic paused. "Now where did I..." He reached into his road, fumbled around, and pulled free the jar. "Here is your precious Mr. Popo!"
"That's quite a weight loss program." Commented Kami. Garlic Jr. shrugged.
"You know, that was exactly my thoughts on the matter." He stuffed Popo back down his frock. "Anyhow, you die now!"
"You fiend!" Said Kami, making no actual attempt to defend himself. The Spice Boys suddenly appeared quite out of nowhere, and Kami wasn't certain, but it sure looked like they were doing some sort of bizarre choreographed dance routine. Garlic Jr. sighed deeply - good help was so hard to find these days. "Listen silky boys, cut the boy band crap and take down the old fart!"
"It's Spice Boys, actually." The British one snapped, pointing out his little finger as he did so. Garlic's left eye twitched and for a moment, he almost resembled Vegeta. "Oh fine." He pouted.
The Spice Boys all pounced, netting Kami, who struggled very feebly. Garlic Jr. cackled insanely as he shrunk and bottled the ancient Namek. He held the jar up high.
"I so rule!" He giggled. The Spice Boys all spun simultaneously in a long line, and did the `Too Cool' dance. Kami rolled his eyes.
"Oh, I'm sliding downhill..."
To Be Continued...