Barfly Bonanza.
Eyes rimmed red, Homer and his bar fly buddies drunkenly sloshed another pint of Duff beer down their throats.
Another day's work at the Nuclear Power Plant over, another night spent drinking away their frustrations.
Homer slammed his empty glass onto the bar. His droopy eyes lazily wandered down to his shirt.
"Oh boy... I'm a mucky puppy, Moe... There's sticky icky on my shirty..."
Barney belched.
Homer cried. In his mind's beer frazzled eye, he was a suave James Bond type of guy. How was he supposed to get with a hot Bond Girl now that he's ruined his shirt?!
"Give 'im anoth... anoth' beer, Moses..." whined Lenny, beer dripping out from the sides of his floppy mouth.
"It's MOE- Eh, never mind..." Moe decided not to waste his time arguing with a drunk Lenny. Instead, he poured more beer into Homer's glass.
Lenny struggled to focus his eyes as he watched the beer zoom into the quickly filling glass. "Tha's it... Pour the red sea..."
Carl was blankly staring at Lenny as he struggled to form a sentence, his squinting eyes locked onto his mouth. After a short while spent staring, Carl finally verbalised his thoughts.
"Lenny, you've got rabies..."
Thoroughly offended, Lenny whirled around to punch Carl. Unfortunately, Lenny's fist never made it to Carl's face.
"AHHHH! MY EYES!" screamed Lenny from his crumpled position on the floor.
"AYE AYE, CAPTAIN!" Yelled Barney before he belched, saluting as he collapsed onto the bar.
"SHUT UP, LENNY!" Homer roared, clearly over being upset about his sticky shirt. Now he was outraged. Lenny was proving to be a hit with the ladies. According to Homer's imagination, they were giving him all of their attention. It was time for Homer to prove his suaveness to the Bond Girls.
Moe smirked as his eyes darted down from Homer to Lenny.
Suddenly under attack once again, Lenny let out a pathetic groan before he retaliated.
"You shuddup, icky Mickey!"
Homer let out what he thought was an impressive, alpha male roar of masculine rage.
What it actually sounded like was a child's ear splitting temper tantrum wail.
"JESUS CHRIST, HOMER!" Moe exclaimed, cringing.
Lucky for Homer, he wasn't paying any attention to Moe. If he was then he'd get a face full of guns for trying to attack him.
At that exact moment, Sam entered Moe's Tavern with his dog. As soon as he saw what was happening, his sober mind decided that a fight with Drunk Homer for a beer was not worth it. His dog was whimpering as he scampered out of the Tavern, violently lurching Sam back outside.
Moe tutted his disappointment at losing a customer before returning his insidious attention to Homer and Lenny.
Lifting Lenny up like he weighed nothing, Homer shot a smug smirk at an imaginary Bond Girl.
"HEY! PUT ME DOWN!"
"Impressed by my strength, Angina?"
The other imaginary Bond Girls laughed at 'Angina'. 'Angina' blushed a furious shade of red.
"IT'S ANGELINA YOU SWINE!"
The offended imaginary woman slapped Homer before storming out of Moe's Tavern.
Of course, being imaginary, Angelina didn't actually slap Homer.
Homer slapped himself, dropping Lenny in the process.
"Ooh... Ouch..." Moe muttered, squinting one eye as he cringed.
Another Bond Girl zoomed over to Homer, hissing, her face contorted with disgust. "YOU'RE MARRIED!"
Sitting up faster than he normally would, shoving Lenny's legs off his body, Homer shakily held up his left hand.
"OH GOD I'M MARRIED!"
Moe's eyes narrowed as he also stared at Homer's wedding ring. He suddenly felt a sharp pang of jealousy. Fingers twitching, Moe growled. "ALRIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT. MOE'S TAVERN IS CLOSED."
Carl's head shot up from underneath his arms, startled. His vision was blurred and he felt like puking. Being an alcoholic sucks.
"Huh?"
Snarling, Moe pointed his rifle at Carl's head.
Immediately getting the message, Carl's eyes widened in realisation. Standing up so fast his stool crashed onto the floor, he put his hands up in surrender as he unsteadily backed out of the Tavern.
"Aw c'mon! Let me stay!" complained Barney, beer dripping out from the corners of his mouth.
Without hesitating, Moe silently stepped out from behind the bar to haul Barney out of his Tavern.
Lenny left without arguing, moaning in pain as his body ached from all of the abuse it had received tonight.
Homer stumbled out after Lenny, twisting around to wave goodbye to the Bond Girls that were still inside Moe's Tavern. Several Bond Girls shape shifted into slimy green one eyed aliens. Screaming, Homer dived onto the backseats of his car.
Moe sighed a sigh of relief as he watched them all leave. Well, Barney was asleep in the gutter right outside... And Homer looked like he was going through a mid-life crisis... But still, at least they weren't inside the Tavern to bother him for more beer.
Shaking with negative emotions, Moe strides over to his gun. Tears leak out from his closed eyes, his breaths shuddering pants. The cold end of his gun jabs at the side of his head. He can hear Barney retching, Homer gibbering nonsense... The clock ticking.
More and more seconds pass by. Voices in his head scream at him to stop wasting time.
Moe starts to feel lightheaded. Does he really want to die?
"Do I really have nothing to live for?"
He opened his eyes.
Right there in front of him was a frame that contained an old newspaper clipping of an article about Moe's Tavern.
Moe's lips curl into a weak smile.
Putting the gun down, he sighs deeply.
"Don't worry, pal. I won't leave you..."
AnaTheClown: Short one-shot story that gets sad at the end... Heh! Hope you enjoyed reading my first Fanfiction! :)