I'd never asked for much out of life. Well, okay, maybe I did, but no more than what everyone else asked for. Everyone wants a huge territory with lots of food, lots of hiding places, no other bucks and lots and lots of does. Pikachu bucks and does, that is. Apparently everyone only knows does and bucks in relation to stantler, but us pikachu have them too. What did you think we called our...men and women, I suppose would be the human terms?
One day, I woke up as a human, on a human sleeping platform, in a human cave, er, room, in a big, human colony.
I hadn't even been doing anything special! I'd been chased by a particularly persistent pidgeotto, one that was too quick for me to zap, so I hid under a log. For whatever reason, it didn't fly off to look for something else, and perched on a branch, just watching my hiding spot. Well, after a while, I got bored and dug myself a little hollow in the dirt and curled up for a nap. When I woke up, I was in the human place, as a human.
Now, you need to understand that I wasn't one of those pikachu that live near humans and eat their food because they are too pathetic to find their own. I lived in the forest, reliant on my own strength, speed, and lightning. I didn't object to humans, per se, if they left me alone, then I left them alone. If they got in my space, then I shot lightning at them until they left. Or passed out. I only managed that one, though. All in all, I wasn't exactly what you'd call friendly, or used, to humans.
Normally, I would have scurried into a corner, then searched out every threat and made a plan from there. Unfortunately, I was a bit big to do that, and humans have no long range attacks, either. To make things worse, it turned out that humans were half deaf, couldn't see in the dark, and had no sense of smell to speak of. I was beginning to think that, even though they have lots of long fur on their heads, it wouldn't do the job of a decent set of whiskers.
I squinted in the darkness to try and figure out my surroundings. Despite how little I could see, it was still the best that human's body could manage, so I made do. There was a small exit, half way up a wall, and another, larger one, on the opposite wall. Light shone brightly in the large exit, and dimly in the small one. There was ...ugh, I've never got the hang of human counting. Who counts in tens?! Every pikachu I ever knew counted in fours, which makes a LOT more sense. Anyway, including me, there was a human for each of my paws and each of my ears in the room. I'll let you figure out how many there were with your stupid ten-number-counting.
Most of the humans were spread around me, except for one that was on a platform above me, and they were all snoring. Human noses are pathetic, so I had no idea how old, how healthy, or how aggressive they were, or what they were eating here. I also had no idea who was in charge, whether any, or all, of them had fought recently, or even what gender they were.
Carefully, I crawled off my platform on onto the floor. As quiet as only a pikachu fearing for his life could be, I snuck to the smaller exit and looked out. It lead to outside. Outside was not the forest, like I'd hoped, but the middle the aforementioned human colony. It was also a fair bit above the ground, but that didn't bother me. I was a pikachu! I lived in trees; even with this human body, I was confident that I could climb down to the ground. It was all for naught, anyway. There was an invisible barrier in the exit, one that didn't move no matter how hard I pushed it.
Leaving the smaller exit, I crept over to the larger one, which led to a long, well-lit, white tunnel. Considering I had no other options, I picked a direction and headed down it.
There was anther barrier at the end of the tunnel, but this one swung out of the way when I pushed it. Unfortunately, this one opened out to yet another, equally unnatural, tunnel. I picked a direction, and found yet another tunnel, but one that led to a lower level. I groaned in frustration, until I remembered that these tunnels were above ground, not below. I headed down, and came into a large room.
This room had a huge exit, bigger than any of the ones I'd seen so far, and it lead back outside. Cautiously, I went over to it and saw that there was another invisible barrier in between myself and my freedom. I pushed it and, unlike the one upstairs, this one opened! I heard someone yell as I squeezed out the small gap I'd made.
"Hey, you! Put some clothes on!" They yelled
I'm ashamed to say that instead of acknowledging their challenge and fighting for dominance, I ran off. It was cowardly, and you never get a territory by running away, but running does let you fight again when you have a bigger advantage. Or any advantage at all.
So there I was, running through the streets, naked. At the time, of course, I didn't know that humans had a thing about skin. Of course, pikachu have a thing about skin too, but that's 'cause if you can see a pikachu's skin, then said pikachu usually has mange or something, and you should stay away from it and zap it to scare it off. Humans, though, don't have fur to begin with.
I soon found out about their skin problems, however, when I was surrounded by the local authorities. I tried to zap one, forgetting that my lightning was gone, then I bit the closest one on the arm instead. They hauled me back to their base, and then I found out that they had an alakazam with them. He was supposed to be there to find out if anyone was lying to them, but he figured out what was going on with the whole body switching thing, too.
Yeah, how pathetic is that? Humans can't even smell if someone's lying to them. Pft.
What was I saying? Right, the alakazam.
What with the whole mind-reading thing, he figured out that I was in the wrong body as soon as he saw me, and explained everything to the cops, as well as explained to me where I was. It was great, they put me in a small, highly defensible room for the night, and blocked the exit so that no one could attack me when I was asleep. They even fed me, even if it was strange human food. They said that it was punishment for "streaking", whatever that was, and biting that one guy. Punishing someone for biting someone in your gang, I totally understand that, I've done it plenty of times when other pikachu beat up my wimpy little brother, but I think they don't know how to do it right. I punish stuff by biting their legs and scratching at their eyes, not by giving them a safe place to sleep and feeding them.
The only downside was the clothes. I had to wear them when near humans, and they itched. One time, I'd gone and played in poison ivy and that had been bad, but at least then I'd been able to roll in mud to get rid of the worst of it. There was no relief from this itching. In the end, I took off all the bits that they had deemed unnecessary, leaving me in a couple tubes that covered my hind-legs and hips. They would have been really awkward if I still had my tail.
That was also when I paid enough attention to notice that all my hard work from that summer was gone. It was autumn, right? So that meant that winter was just around the corner, and winter means hibernation. I'd spent all summer stuffing as much food down my throat as I could. Not only to get enough fat to last until spring, but hopefully enough that I would get to spring and still be bigger than everyone else. When you're trying to hold a territory surrounded by intruders, bigger is better.
When I first put on the bit of clothing for my chest, I saw that my thick layer of fat was gone! All that was left was my lumpy muscles, and it wasn't just one part of me, either. My hindlegs, my forelegs, my body, all muscly. Ugh, it was the most grotesque thing I'd ever seen. How was I supposed to hold a territory and survive the winter if all I had was muscle? No, I don't know either. As soon as I got back to a forest, any forest, I was gonna stomp on whatever got in my way and start eating.
Anyway, later on, the alakazam popped into my room and explained that, most of the time, humans consider being forced to stay in one place, unable to do any of their normal habits, as punishment enough to stop them from doing something. We both agreed that it was stupid, but that was humans for you. He then left, leaving me with a killer headache, in retribution for biting his trainer.
Heh, oops.
Let me tell you, if there's one kind of pokemon that you don't want to piss off, it's a psychic one.
The next morning, I was sat down with someone called Social Worker, and we tried to figure out what was going to happen next. Well, he tried, at least. He wanted to include me in their dumb human colony, and give me a human colony number thing, and a little box to live in, and a job thing, where I could get some "money" stuff to trade for...other stuff...he was a little vague to be honest. When he started making plans for the two of us to go out this afternoon and show me around, I put a stop to his plans.
I mean, really, why would I want to stay? Granted, I seriously doubted that I would be able to find my exact territory again, and I'd be too big to fit into it even if I did, but I could easily get another one.
Social Worker looked rather disappointment that I didn't care about what he thought I should do with my life, but TOO BAD. It was my life, not his, and my life involved going back home.
After a quick discussion with the alakazam on how to get out of the colony, I left them all behind and wandered off.
It was daylight when I got outside, and that was when I discovered just how different human eyes are to pikachu ones. Everything was so...so...so...I can't even describe it! It was beautiful and terrifying at the same time, I just hadn't realized last night because of their rubbish night vision. I'd seen the sun before, and the autumn leaves, and they were all wish-washy yellowish, but not anymore! The sun was...like...yellow, more yellow than yellow, and some of the leaves were so far past yellow, that they weren't even yellow anymore! They were a whole new colour! The humans around me, their skin wasn't grey anymore, but different colour, one that I didn't even have a name for, and everything was so bright! Not bright, like, shiny or glowy, but brightly coloured. The green grass wasn't just green, but GREEN! You know how everything is a little brighter after it rains after a long dry-spell? This was far beyond that. The colour went from the grass, straight into my eyes and exploded in my head, like a cheesed off voltorb.
Needless to say, I left the human colony in a bit of a daze.
It took all day to get out the human colony and into the forest. I then had to stop and take a break, not because I was tired, but because the sun was setting and it turned out that I'd been seeing the sunset wrong my entire life, too.
So I stood around like a tauros chewing its cud until the sun set and the colours faded away, then I turned away, walked into a tree, and knocked myself out.
It would have been embarrassing if it hadn't turned out to be the solution to all my problems. Well, the problems I'd had since waking up after being chased by that pidgeotto.
I was in another room, with a sleeping platform at one side and a small sun stuck to one wall. Unlike the other two rooms I'd been in, this one was... ... ...I have no idea what colour it was, but it immediately brought to mind pre-teen, human girls, and I had no idea why. I didn't even know what a pre-teen was!
"What are you doing?!" A voice shrieked behind me.
I spun around, staggering a little from the blow to my head, and stood facing a short human. It was probably a she; it did have breasts, but instead of two rows of five, it looked as though the lower four rows had been removed and added to the top one, resulting in two huge lumps sticking out from its chest. If I hadn't already seen how disgusting my own stomach was, I probably would have puked.
"You're supposed to be in that town, flirting with the lonely girl in the apartment across from yours and comforting her after her traumatic breakup with her boyfriend! Then, you give meaning to her empty life, and she makes you take her to the forest and you live happily ever after, away from the pressures of society!"
"Why would I want to do that?" I finally asked, wondering what was a boyfriend was, as well as what a town, apartment, traumatic, and breakup were, as well as how someone was supposed to be constantly happy living in a forest. There was way too much starvation and predators for that.
"To have hot comfort-sex with her!"
Now, I didn't know what made comfort-sex different from regular-sex, or why I would want to be hot when I did it, but even I had better taste than to have sex with a human. I mean, have you seen them?! Ew.
The girl stomped over to me and stuck one of her fingers right in front of my face. I think she was trying to be intimidating.
"You are going to wake up, march yourself back into that town, and go talk to the cop guy who was gonna set you up in that apartment!"
I ignored her ear-splitting yelling and dealt with the finger instead. Yes, I bit her hand. I didn't see any psychics around, so I was probably safe.
"OW OW OW! GET OFF, YOU MOTHERFU-"
Suddenly, I was awake again, back in my forest, back as a pikachu. Back with my proper hearing, proper sense of smell and real whiskers. I couldn't see any of those amazing colours anymore, but I could see in the dark again.
I was back under my log and everything! Everything was just the same, but better; because when I looked out from under the log, the pidgeotto was gone. My hard-earned fat layer was even back!
With a smug grin on my face, I headed out into the night to make my fat layer even bigger.
That was the story of how I was a human for a whole night and day, and then used violence to get back home. The alakazam had said that humans think that violence doesn't fix anything, but I guess I showed them wrong, didn't I?
The End
A/N: Lol, Fat Baby is such a wiredo. Yeah, his name is Fat Baby. You might think it's not a good name, but he had a sister called Skinny Baby, and do you know what happened to her? She died because she was too skinny. And that is the story of why he loves his name.
A/N2: Hah, I thought I would have the most fun writing about his disgust as his abs, but then I remembered that mice have dichromatic vision and humans have trichromatic vision and then I had to try and figure out how to describe orange and red from the perspective of a species that can't see anything with a longer wavelength than a greeny yellow. At first I thought that mice were like dogs and could only see blue and yellow, and not green or red, but then I decided to research it properly and found that mice can see ultra-violet, violet, blue, not cyan, green, and a little bit of yellow, and that they have about 1/5 as many cones in relation to rods as we do. From experiments with coloured cards they think that mice colour perception is so poor that they basically ignore colour and focus on brightness instead. Consider me educated! And now you lot are too, assuming you read this A/N. Oh, and they have also inserted a human gene into lab mice that gives them trichromatic vision, and they think they might be able to use it as treatment for colourblindness in humans. COOL!
A/N3: I was gonna add bits about him not being able to sense the magnetic waves around stuff anymore, but it didn't happen. It makes sense to me that electric types can sense and manipulate magnetic waves, otherwise they wouldn't be able to aim their electric attacks. I was also gonna add a bit on how psychic types don't have names, and instead use some form of a super condensed story of their life, and they only show sensitive part to their close friends, and only general stuff to people they don't know. Yeah, I didn't find anywhere to put that either.
A/N4: Lol, usually I don't do any A/Ns, nevermind four. Have a good one, peeps!