Lingering wishes

Author: XxArtemisxX

Editor: lady sovereign

Jesse had promised Susannah that he'd watch her for the night.

That if Maria showed up, he'd take care of her so that she didn't have to sleep in her brother—or rather stepbrother as she always seemed to keep insisting—David's room while he was away in some sort of a 'computer camp'—whatever that was.

Susannah didn't take long to fall into a deep slumber. Closing the book he had been reading, Jesse watched her rhythmic breathing and the serene expression that took over her enchanting features.

It was only at times like these that Jesse allowed himself such an indulgence. He could hardly stare at her when she was awake and ever so ready to 'mediate' in her unusual, yet surprisingly effective way. But he couldn't really tell her that. Even with all the strength and courage she had, Susannah had to learn the art of settling things peacefully for once.

At least she wasn't letting her fists fly at him, in efforts of getting him to vacate her room. On the contrary, Susannah wanted him to say. So much so that she had even cried at the prospect of his possible departure.

Her actions had surprised him considerably. It had been only a while ago when she had been jabbing fingers at his chest, demanding immediate evacuation and setting rules as how he wasn't supposed to touch her or call her anything in Spanish.

Both, rules he had been breaking for a while now. The worst when he had pulled her into his arms only about an hour ago. Which was more for his own comfort and reassurance than for her.

Even if Jesse had been dead for around a hundred and fifty years, he still could remember the feelings and emotions from the time he had been alive. And right then, his heart—or the apparition of one—tightened in his chest, shooting him with sparks of pain.

Pain from knowing that she had been so close…so close, yet so unattainably far away.

He could still remember the feel of her soft hair, her intoxicating breath on his shoulder and the erratic flutter of her heart.

No, no! This was wrong. He shouldn't, he couldn't allow himself to feel that way. He was dead and she was alive. Even though he could still feel those emotions that he would have if his heart had really been beating, this wasn't real.

He wasn't real. But she was.

As real as any epitome of perfection could be.

He wished for some way for the two of them to be together where he didn't have to hold back and keep reminding himself the absolute wrongness of his actions.

He wished to protect her and stay by her not as a wispy fog of the night; as a specter, but as someone as solid and real as she was.

He wished to live.

He wished for his heart to beat once again.

All for her.

A hundred and fifty years and he had never wished to live again as much as he wished it now.

But that was not possible. He could not live so he should not love. He also couldn't harbor those insane wishes. Wishes that were as much of a ghost as he was. Wishes that his unacceptable feelings had fueled to an extent that they lingered on until his heart cried out so much that he felt he would die again.

Maybe, it was time that he did move on, despite what he had promised her: that he would not leave. But was staying here so good when it was hurting him so much?

He turned to her sleeping figure for a desperate answer, something that'd inevitably hold him down here, by her side, despite the wrongness of it all.

Jesse moved away from the window seat, making his way towards the sleeping Susannah. He sat down beside her and surveyed the peaceful figure. Her long dark hair spilled around her like a protective halo, giving her an angelic look coupled with the tranquil expression gracing her blissfully ignorant sleep.

She knew nothing of the inner conflicts raging though him at the moment.

Or maybe she did.

Jesse almost didn't catch it at first. Her words that she breathed in her sleep. Or rather word.

"Jesse…"

There was no mistaking it when she whispered his name for the second time. His spectral heart lurched painfully.

"Jesse…don't go."

But how could he stay? When that single act was so painful?

"…don't go…"

Her peaceful expression faded as she a look of despair replaced it. It was as though she could sense his thoughts even though fast asleep. Maybe this was one of those 'mediator' abilities or maybe she knew him too well or she was coincidently having a dream about him at the same moment he had thought about leaving her.

But no matter what, he could not bear her pain. Even if complying with her wishes would kill whatever feelings of being alive he had been deluding himself with. He would do it for her

He would hurt a hundred times over if by doing so he kept her happy.

For her, he would stay.

Against his better judgment, Jesse leaned down and broke Susannah's set of rules once more for that night as he lightly pressed his lips to her forehead. Her skin felt warm and comforting against his cold touch.

"I promise I won't leave you," he breathed, "querida."

And again he found those lingering wishes return to haunt him.

He wished again to tell her how he felt.

He wished to be with her in a way that wouldn't hurt anymore.

He wished to breathe again.

He wished to live again.

He wished for it to be okay to love her.

But more than anything, he wished for her to love him.