Title: Seasons of Happiness
Author: Koneko
E-mail: divinepheonix@hotmail.com
Genre: Romance/Alternate/Uplifting
Website: http://www.sailormoon.net/~koneko
Standard Disclaimer Applies.
.:Author's Notes:.
Ok, so I started writing this story after getting to the beginning of
Part Three of the book "The Art of Happiness," which, by the way, I
would recommend to anyone, it's a very good book which inspires a lot
of hope. Pretty much, the theme of the book is that the meaning of
life is Happiness.
I don't know why I put in the seasons thing, but I like how it turned
out. I think that the seasons of the earth are definately a lot like
the seasons of our life. I would appreciate if if people would give
me some feedback on that.
Anywho, this story is an Usagi-Mamoru Alternate Reality romance, which
is pretty serious, but it's very uplifting, at least I hope it is.
This is my first try at something that's not angsty or comedy, so I
hope everyone likes it!
E-MAIL ME! E-MAIL ME! E-MAIL ME!
--------------
Seasons of Happiness
By: Koneko
"Are you really happy?"
I stared at the deep blue eyes, at the pale complexion, the
blond hair, the youthful body, and I wondered at her simple question.
I knew the answer of course, but it wasn't as if I wanted to just go
out and say it. That would be too painful, to open, but I said it
anyway. It was as if I didn't have a will where she was concerned, as
if no matter what I did I would always fall prey to her wishes.
"No."
"I'm sorry."
I watched wind rustle through her hair, lifting its golden
strands and making them flow around her straight body. We stood there
for a while, just staring at each other, no words, no movement, but
plenty of thought. I wasn't sure why exactly we were staring, but I
knew it felt right.
She spoke suddenly, "Could you be happy?"
I reflected on that for a moment, watching her bright eyes
watch me, seeing my ponderous reflection in those pools of blue. I
found I couldn't look away, I found my sight always drawn to her, for
the simple reason that there was nothing else to look at. I knew that
I wanted to be happy, but the question of actually becoming happy was a
different idea entirely. Too many factors imposed against that single
question.
I saw the gentle curve of her dark eyelashes; I couldn't tell
what she was thinking. I didn't even know why she was here. I was
glad she was. These questions, though odd, seemed right to come from
her, as they couldn't come from anyone else. I surprised myself by
answering.
"I could, with you."
She nodded, "Good."
***
I sipped some coffee as I made my way through the motions of
the morning. I always had coffee; personally, I believe that life
would never be complete without coffee. Maybe I'm wrong, but as I am
suitably addicted to the bitter substance, I would have to conclude
that the statement was correct. My life had a lot of similarities to
coffee, blank, bitter, and dark. Perhaps that's why I loved it so
much, and not just because of an addiction.
I set the porcelain cup down onto my bedside table, and turned
to the mirror hanging over my bureau. I stared into my own blue eyes
and troubled myself with wondering why my life was so dark. I didn't
want my life to be dark, but I accepted it as such. I combed through
my hair quickly, noticing that it was already dry from the shower I had
taken thirty minutes before. I looked more closely at the mirror,
searching for something although I didn't know exactly what. Shaking
my head, I finished my coffee and grabbed my briefcase and keys,
leaving my empty apartment.
I unlocked my car door and got in, staring at my rear view
mirror. I looked for it again, whatever it was. I saw myself, but
nothing more. I turned my eyes to my briefcase discarded uncaringly at
the area beside me, and adjusted a few papers that had fallen out in
the drop from my hand to the ground. Placing the keys in the ignition,
I drove out of the parking lot.
I looked at the road, but did not see it. I heard the sounds
of the morning, but did not listen to it. Something was different in
my life today, and I realized that I hadn't realized something
integral. Rather, it was more like a nagging feeling that I should
remember something. I stared at my rear view mirror again, and looked,
but did not see.
I parked my car but did not leave it immediately. I felt
restrained, and thought again at what I did not know. I watched the
leaves rustle in the wind, and saw one float to the ground in a
plethora of movement.
Fall was in spades around me. I saw the wilting of the trees,
the gloom of the people, the world was continuing in it's cycle of
reincarnation. I knew that during the process from prime to death, the
air would be reflective. Now was a time for observation, for seeing,
for watching. Living was already past, now was the preparation for
dying.
I cleared the thoughts from my head, took my briefcase and left
the car.
No music played in the elevator as I rose from the ground to
the top floor of the building in which I worked, a large hospital in
the center of a large city, always a bustle of activity, with a little
of frenzied chaos. I stepped out into the terminal illness center, and
walked swiftly to my office, nodding at my secretary as I passed.
I sat at my desk, and looked over my notes of the previous day,
I saw the decline of some patients and the growth of others. I tried
to pay attention to the importance of my files, but inevitably my mind
wandered, as it seemed to have been doing during the duration of the
day so far. I saw the certificates on my wall, and wondered what they
were there to represent. Education to be sure, a knowledge in the
profession that I had chosen to live, but I could see no wisdom there.
A knock sounded at my door, and even as I announced approval
for the person to come in, I still continued thinking about the
knowledge I had, versus the wisdom I didn't. I knew that my secretary
was waiting for my attention even as I didn't give it, and she waited
patiently for my mind to focus.
Finally, I turned my eyes back to hers, "Sir, your new intern
is here."
I nodded and turned my attention back to the plaques, "Alright
Reika, send her in please."
I heard the door click and felt the barrenness of the
atmosphere begin to press in on me. I backed out my desk and stood up,
walking over to my window to stare at the life around the city that I
couldn't seem to participate in. The door clicked open, and then
closed again. I didn't turn around. Silence stretched for a few
moments before the person in my office finally spoke.
"You know Mr. Chiba, it's rather awkward for a person to walk
into a room without being greeted. I feel obliged to ask whether or
not I'm needed here."
I slowly swerved my body to assess hers, and calmly and
methodically did so. I noticed her small stature, and estimated that
she would rise to approximately my chest. I saw her long legs, tiny
waist, and pert breasts, and responded to them as befitting a man of 28
years before continuing in my perusal.
I focused on her face. I focused on her eyes.
I saw something there that I hadn't been able to achieve. I
recognized the common features of a person's eyes, the bright blue
color, the shape, the intelligence, but inside of them I knew that
there was something there that I hadn't experienced before, and I
wondered at that. Whatever it was that made her eyes so bright and
mine so dull I wanted to find, and wanted to have.
I smiled pleasantly and saw her smile back, "I'm sorry Ms.
Tsukino, but today I have been frequently falling into deep thought,
and I'm afraid I can't seem to help it. Please sit down."
I kept my eyes trained on her as she willingly sat in the
proffered chair, and I resumed my own. Her posture remained straight,
but relaxed in a way that I envied, and I observed her attire for the
first time, and considered its appropriateness for a terminally ill
center.
"If you don't say something soon I'm going to start thinking
that I have something on my face or outfit."
Her easy openness surprised me, as few people had a quality to
be instantly at ease with a person as she appeared to. I felt
compelled to ask her about this, and without thought to my actions,
promptly did so.
"How do you manage to be so at ease with me, Ms. Tsukino? I
happen to know that most people think me a very intimidating person."
She seemed taken aback at my first comment, but quickly
adjusted and actually managed to smile at the comment, "Because, like
me, you are just a person, and in that sense, we are no different, and
so I can see you with all that I can see in myself."
I had surprised myself by asking such an interesting question,
and I realized that it was completely out of character, but I also knew
that I had been completely out of character all day, and I could not
seem to fall back into it. I managed to reflect a bit on her piece of
wisdom, before I moved back into the normal way of things, albeit a bit
reluctantly.
"Why exactly did you apply for an internship here?"
"I thought I already answered these questions when I was
interviewed," she joked, offering a small grin, "But truthfully, I like
offering hope."
I blinked a bit and saw her gentle intake and release of breath
for a moment before I replied, "Hope, Ms. Tsukino? Excuse me if I
don't particularly understand."
"Oh, I realize that a the most widely accepted job of doctors
is to, of course, heal. However, I believe that no person can be
healed completely until they are given a sense of hope that life really
isn't so bad. I like to give people hope, and I think that doctors
have the most chance of doing that, which is why I chose to become one,
and which is why I chose to become an intern in the terminally ill
ward."
"You do realize that most of the people in this ward don't
live, correct?"
"I am well aware that many people do die, Mr. Chiba, but they
also live."
I did not feel compelled to question her on that point, even
though I still did not understand, but I nodded anyway and continued my
line of questioning.
"Do you know what you are going to do here?"
"I told you already, I'm going to give hope. But if you mean
as a job, I'll be a temporary nurse, of course."
"How old are you?"
"I turned 24 on the last day of June."
"What do you hope to do after you finish the internship?"
She turned her wistful eyes onto the trinkets on my desk,
suddenly shy, "I hope to join Doctors Without Borders."
"Alright then, Ms. Tsukino, shall we get to work?"
"Please, call me Usagi."
***
"You're not leading a very healthy life."
I noticed that we were closer than before, although I have no
idea how we got to be that way. I saw her eyes a little more clearly,
and reveled in not being able to look away. I saw her strength,
suppressed but quivering just below the surface. I wanted to melt into
her and stay there, but I didn't know how to. I turned my attention to
her query.
"I'm a doctor; I'm healthy."
Her thin eyebrow quirked up and she spoke in a voice laced in
amusement, "Do you really think that?"
I examined my life, and replied, "Yes."
"You are a very naïve man."
"I am?"
She nodded regally, "You do not express compassion, even though
you want to. You suppress all of your instincts of kindness, and
instead only allow that which is socially accepted to make way through
your boundaries. You trap in almost all the good, and don't try to
build it up. Instead, you revel in cynicism, for it is all you see."
I couldn't seem to understand what she was saying, even though
I tried, or perhaps I didn't want to try. I saw that she wanted me to,
and so I tried, but I didn't want to understand, but I couldn't figure
out why.
"I am a realist."
Her laughter tinkled into my ears, making me yearn for another
laugh. I could live on her laughter, on the brightness of it, on the
life it exposed. She held so much life inside of her, so much desire
for things to be right, and she had an immense belief that things would
always become right in the end. I heard it all in a laugh, and I
wished to hear it again.
"You're afraid of living."
***
It had been a long day, and two patients had passed on during
its hours. Usagi had remained calm when she had called the parents of
the children, who to had seemed depressingly resigned to the fate of
the life they had brought to the world. She had consoled them in ways
I had not been able to comprehend, and in a way that I wished I
could have to myself.
I walked through the hall to the elevator, briefcase in hand,
hair ruffled and shirt unbuttoned. I wondered at how some of the
people in this ward continued to fight, even though the best of doctors
had declared them close to death. I realized I worked in a dismal
business, but it suited me like no other had.
A child's laughter wafted through the halls, and I followed the
sound to a small room and peered inside. I couldn't help
eavesdropping, and actually didn't really want to. A person is drawn
to happiness like a cat to a mouse, and I gladly succumbed to the
temptation.
I heard whispers, and opened the door slightly to hear more
clearly.
"How did you manage to smuggle these, Usagi?"
"Mr. Chiba already knows that I'm obsessed with ice cream, so
when I took a little extra today he didn't notice. Besides, what's
living without the possibility of getting in trouble?"
"Boring."
I could hear the adoration in the girl's voice, and I was awed
because of it. In a few short months Usagi had managed to win the
devotion of most of the people in the ward, adult, teen, and child.
She could relate to almost anyone, and I envied that while people came
to me for medicine, they came to her for comfort. And yet, she hadn't
just gotten devotion, but I knew that she had received the respect of
most of the hospital staff. She worked hard and diligently, without
managing to overdo it like I know I did. She was admired for helping
to raise hope.
"Ooooh! It's Rocky Road! I love you, Usagi."
I could hear the tears in her voice when she spoke next, "I
love you too, Hotaru."
Her emotions were always so open, and I noticed how she never
tried to hide them. She basked in her emotions and lived in them,
never ashamed of her tears, never embarrassed at lashing out. I found
everything about her endearing and open, and yet I still hadn't managed
to crack the mystery that was Usagi. I wanted to.
Her tone was soft as she spoke, "Don't eat it too quickly or
you'll get brain freeze. Goodnight Hotaru."
I stayed at the doorway as I heard her kiss the head of the
girl and then walk out. The door clicked shut, and when she turned,
she didn't seem very surprised to see me.
Her sweet smile lit her face, and I noticed a few tears stained
her cheeks, but she still seemed exuberant and happy. She had done for
the past months what she had said she would on that first day, she had
given hope and continued to do so. I managed to realize that I
respected her.
"You're not angry."
It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway, "No."
"Would you like some Rocky Road? I have a little more in the
freezer."
I lifted my hand to her cheek and noticed her eyes spark some
shock in the action, but she did not pull away as I had expected,
instead she stood there and accepted my attention, even putting her
hand over my own. The heat of her skin seared mine, and I savored
every sensation, my hand surrounded in her warmth and light.
"Of course," she joked, "Who needs a freezer when you have
outside?"
We both turned our faces to the expanse of winter showed
through the windows and stared, watching the snowfall. In a cycle of
life, the world was in death, and yet there was still the promise that
soon something new and better would be born, and things would be
growing again.
I pulled her hand to my mouth and kissed it tenderly, threading
her fingers with my own. Walking away from the room of the girl, I
allowed myself to experience something different, and pulled her
towards the staff kitchen.
"It's been a long day. Ice cream sounds nice."
***
"Why can't you hope?"
We were closer again; I felt the wind that ruffled through her
hair finally make its way to me. Her hair brushed against my face, and
I smiled at it's length and feel. In a place where there was nothing
but her, all of my being was on just her. I didn't see the point of
trying to find anything else when she was so beautiful.
"I can."
"But why don't you?"
I knew why, but I didn't want to admit it. I rarely talked to
anyone about myself, as people rarely understand. No one wants to see
or hear the crumbling of a life, no one ever wants to listen to
something that could happen to them, and if they do, they never hear
the words. However, as I couldn't seem to stop myself, I confessed.
"I've lost too much to hope to gain."
"Life isn't complete without hurt. If you live your whole life
smoothly, it won't be a life or an existence. To grow you have to be
hurt, to grow you have to accept that you were hurt. For your whole
life you've grown through so much, but you've never accepted that which
will make you able to live again."
"I don't want to live again."
I wanted to cry, but the plane of existence I was standing on
wouldn't let me. I didn't know why, but expressing emotion seemed
impossible for me here. It was as if this was a book that was being
read, fact after fact displayed with no reaction, and yet, I wanted a
reaction.
"Then why haven't you died?"
***
"I love my garden, Mamoru. It's my sacred place; my thought
place. It's where there's always peace because my garden always
accepts. Look, I planted those seeds a week ago, and already they grow
and begin their life, which we both know will end in death. They'll
bring so many people happiness when they flower, and it makes me happy
when other people are happy."
I sat on a stone bench decorated with faeries in a magical
garden that wasn't really special except for the person who made it so.
I saw her wrist deep in dirt, no gloves, just feeling the life of the
Earth beneath her and pulling the weeds to allow the beauty to grow.
Her blond head was bent in concentration as she pulled the root
carefully, and I knew she felt me observing her. I always saw her.
"There are so many people who need a flower in their life."
I nodded and thought back to when she had finished her
internship and left to achieve her dream. She had written to me about
all of her experiences in other countries, offering hope to the people
there. Even without her in front of me, she was always with me for the
few years that she was gone. We had grown closer when we were farther
apart. My feelings of respect had grown to admiration, and I saw each
of her qualities and faults, as she saw her own as well. I knew almost
everything about her, and I was glad.
She stood up and wiped her hands on already dirty jeans, wiping
her brow with her forearm. She gave me a bright smile before walking
towards me and sitting next to me to examine her work.
It was spring now; things were just beginning to grow, and the
trees were beginning to live again. I saw the splendor just waiting to
emerge, waiting to break from the shell of childhood. Green was
everywhere, sprinkled with areas already blooming. Plants grew like
people, birth, childhood, adulthood, spreading seed, and dying.
"Hotaru came to see me yesterday. Her third remission has been
lasting for five years now."
"Usagi, are you ever lonely?"
She turned her brilliant live eyes onto my own dark blue pair,
"I'm never lonely, Mamoru. I have so many people around me, so much
intimacy with everyone, so many connections. There are so many
wonderful people in the world to learn and know, I could never be
lonely."
I dipped my head to hers and paused a bit before her lips, and
a moment of silence stretched before I continued. I felt the soft
petals of her mouth move beneath my own and I felt a contentment that
had never been there before. I pulled her body closer and felt her
heat envelope me, and I pulled her love for life into my own.
The seed that had been planted so many years ago because of
Rocky Road ice cream finally broke from its shell to begin a life full
of green. As I pulled away, I looked in her eyes and stared at myself,
and saw.
***
Our bodies were touching now, and the wind that had allowed her
hair to flow now allowed her hair to trap us into one knot of life that
wormed its way into every fiber of myself. I continued to stare into
her eyes, knowing that they would be all I would ever want to look at,
all I would ever want to see. I kissed her forehead lightly.
"How did I ever deserve you?"
She wrapped her arms around my neck, "You deserved me because
you finally accepted that you can loose everything. You finally
realized that in order to live you have to let those things happen.
Sure, you'll be sad if I go, but someday you'll realize that I made you
happy, and the memories we'll always share will make you happy until
the end of your days, and we will be together again in the life after
that and after that and after that."
If another had spoken her words, I would not have understood
them. I saw her for what she was, a person who searched for happiness
like all of us. She was compassionate and kind and accepted the things
in life for what they were, not what she wanted them to be. Her
happiness in her own life allowed her to give happiness to others.
I held her closer to myself.
"Are you happy?"
She smiled up at me and pressed her face into my chest, making
her next words muffled but clear, "You were a man who deceived himself
in more ways than should be possible. You were sad and closed to the
world, and I have made you happy. Making other people happy makes me
happy. And I'm happy because I have you, as I always hoped I would."
We watched each other in silence, just looking into each
other's eyes. Her hair still flowed around our bodies, and her arms
were still around my neck. I could feel her thoughts moving inside of
me, and I felt a smile curve its way around my neck as I finally
expressed emotion. I pulled her into my arms and spun her around, just
feeling.
"Ah, Usagi, I love you."
"And I love you, Mamoru."
***
I drank my coffee in my porcelain cup and winced at its
bitterness, but I drank it because I was addicted. I noticed a slight
sugary taste and raised an eyebrow towards my wife through the mirror.
I looked in the mirror and saw a life I never thought I would
see. I had found what I had been looking for, not love, or a way to
assuage loneliness, even though I had found those too, instead I now
had something that all people searched for, happiness.
I set the cup down onto my nightstand and pulled my spouse into
my arms. She wrapped her hands around my neck and we began dancing to
the sound of happiness. The stars outside of our home twinkled, and I
began to live a life I never thought I would.
Summer is hot, but it's the peak of life. Finally all the
plants are in full bloom and the world seems good again, even though
it's not perfect. Sometimes it doesn't rain for a long time and the
plants dry out, but always when it seems like it's almost autumn, it
rains and the plants continue to shine the happiness of life, and you
don't need a mirror to see it.
Eventually autumn will come, and things will begin to die, but
then I will see what I have and I'll know that everything is still
alive, so I should still live and not give up hope. And when winter
arrives, I'll reflect back on my life and I know I'll have a lot to
look at, and when I finally die, the seeds of my life will begin their
own pursuit for happiness, in a cycle that will never stop, and never
wants to.
----------------
Alright! Isn't that cool? I know it's not as long as most of my other
shorts (it's only ten pages), but I do believe that it gives a much
better message. If you didn't get the scenes where it was nothing but
Usagi and Mamoru, those were kind of like dream sequences... in them,
Mamoru worked through his feelings by the questions that Usagi asked.
I know I changed (totally!) the character of Usagi, but hey, creative
license here! I think that the clumsy and peppy Usagi that everyone
sees in the series and Manga is just her on the outside, it's clearly
superficial, although endearing. I think that I portrayed what she's
really like on the inside with this story.
REMEMBER E-MAIL IS GOOOOOOOD! E-MAIL ME E-MAIL ME E-MAIL MEEEE!
--Koneko
http://www.sailormoon.net/~koneko
divinepheonix@hotmail.com
Author: Koneko
E-mail: divinepheonix@hotmail.com
Genre: Romance/Alternate/Uplifting
Website: http://www.sailormoon.net/~koneko
Standard Disclaimer Applies.
.:Author's Notes:.
Ok, so I started writing this story after getting to the beginning of
Part Three of the book "The Art of Happiness," which, by the way, I
would recommend to anyone, it's a very good book which inspires a lot
of hope. Pretty much, the theme of the book is that the meaning of
life is Happiness.
I don't know why I put in the seasons thing, but I like how it turned
out. I think that the seasons of the earth are definately a lot like
the seasons of our life. I would appreciate if if people would give
me some feedback on that.
Anywho, this story is an Usagi-Mamoru Alternate Reality romance, which
is pretty serious, but it's very uplifting, at least I hope it is.
This is my first try at something that's not angsty or comedy, so I
hope everyone likes it!
E-MAIL ME! E-MAIL ME! E-MAIL ME!
--------------
Seasons of Happiness
By: Koneko
"Are you really happy?"
I stared at the deep blue eyes, at the pale complexion, the
blond hair, the youthful body, and I wondered at her simple question.
I knew the answer of course, but it wasn't as if I wanted to just go
out and say it. That would be too painful, to open, but I said it
anyway. It was as if I didn't have a will where she was concerned, as
if no matter what I did I would always fall prey to her wishes.
"No."
"I'm sorry."
I watched wind rustle through her hair, lifting its golden
strands and making them flow around her straight body. We stood there
for a while, just staring at each other, no words, no movement, but
plenty of thought. I wasn't sure why exactly we were staring, but I
knew it felt right.
She spoke suddenly, "Could you be happy?"
I reflected on that for a moment, watching her bright eyes
watch me, seeing my ponderous reflection in those pools of blue. I
found I couldn't look away, I found my sight always drawn to her, for
the simple reason that there was nothing else to look at. I knew that
I wanted to be happy, but the question of actually becoming happy was a
different idea entirely. Too many factors imposed against that single
question.
I saw the gentle curve of her dark eyelashes; I couldn't tell
what she was thinking. I didn't even know why she was here. I was
glad she was. These questions, though odd, seemed right to come from
her, as they couldn't come from anyone else. I surprised myself by
answering.
"I could, with you."
She nodded, "Good."
***
I sipped some coffee as I made my way through the motions of
the morning. I always had coffee; personally, I believe that life
would never be complete without coffee. Maybe I'm wrong, but as I am
suitably addicted to the bitter substance, I would have to conclude
that the statement was correct. My life had a lot of similarities to
coffee, blank, bitter, and dark. Perhaps that's why I loved it so
much, and not just because of an addiction.
I set the porcelain cup down onto my bedside table, and turned
to the mirror hanging over my bureau. I stared into my own blue eyes
and troubled myself with wondering why my life was so dark. I didn't
want my life to be dark, but I accepted it as such. I combed through
my hair quickly, noticing that it was already dry from the shower I had
taken thirty minutes before. I looked more closely at the mirror,
searching for something although I didn't know exactly what. Shaking
my head, I finished my coffee and grabbed my briefcase and keys,
leaving my empty apartment.
I unlocked my car door and got in, staring at my rear view
mirror. I looked for it again, whatever it was. I saw myself, but
nothing more. I turned my eyes to my briefcase discarded uncaringly at
the area beside me, and adjusted a few papers that had fallen out in
the drop from my hand to the ground. Placing the keys in the ignition,
I drove out of the parking lot.
I looked at the road, but did not see it. I heard the sounds
of the morning, but did not listen to it. Something was different in
my life today, and I realized that I hadn't realized something
integral. Rather, it was more like a nagging feeling that I should
remember something. I stared at my rear view mirror again, and looked,
but did not see.
I parked my car but did not leave it immediately. I felt
restrained, and thought again at what I did not know. I watched the
leaves rustle in the wind, and saw one float to the ground in a
plethora of movement.
Fall was in spades around me. I saw the wilting of the trees,
the gloom of the people, the world was continuing in it's cycle of
reincarnation. I knew that during the process from prime to death, the
air would be reflective. Now was a time for observation, for seeing,
for watching. Living was already past, now was the preparation for
dying.
I cleared the thoughts from my head, took my briefcase and left
the car.
No music played in the elevator as I rose from the ground to
the top floor of the building in which I worked, a large hospital in
the center of a large city, always a bustle of activity, with a little
of frenzied chaos. I stepped out into the terminal illness center, and
walked swiftly to my office, nodding at my secretary as I passed.
I sat at my desk, and looked over my notes of the previous day,
I saw the decline of some patients and the growth of others. I tried
to pay attention to the importance of my files, but inevitably my mind
wandered, as it seemed to have been doing during the duration of the
day so far. I saw the certificates on my wall, and wondered what they
were there to represent. Education to be sure, a knowledge in the
profession that I had chosen to live, but I could see no wisdom there.
A knock sounded at my door, and even as I announced approval
for the person to come in, I still continued thinking about the
knowledge I had, versus the wisdom I didn't. I knew that my secretary
was waiting for my attention even as I didn't give it, and she waited
patiently for my mind to focus.
Finally, I turned my eyes back to hers, "Sir, your new intern
is here."
I nodded and turned my attention back to the plaques, "Alright
Reika, send her in please."
I heard the door click and felt the barrenness of the
atmosphere begin to press in on me. I backed out my desk and stood up,
walking over to my window to stare at the life around the city that I
couldn't seem to participate in. The door clicked open, and then
closed again. I didn't turn around. Silence stretched for a few
moments before the person in my office finally spoke.
"You know Mr. Chiba, it's rather awkward for a person to walk
into a room without being greeted. I feel obliged to ask whether or
not I'm needed here."
I slowly swerved my body to assess hers, and calmly and
methodically did so. I noticed her small stature, and estimated that
she would rise to approximately my chest. I saw her long legs, tiny
waist, and pert breasts, and responded to them as befitting a man of 28
years before continuing in my perusal.
I focused on her face. I focused on her eyes.
I saw something there that I hadn't been able to achieve. I
recognized the common features of a person's eyes, the bright blue
color, the shape, the intelligence, but inside of them I knew that
there was something there that I hadn't experienced before, and I
wondered at that. Whatever it was that made her eyes so bright and
mine so dull I wanted to find, and wanted to have.
I smiled pleasantly and saw her smile back, "I'm sorry Ms.
Tsukino, but today I have been frequently falling into deep thought,
and I'm afraid I can't seem to help it. Please sit down."
I kept my eyes trained on her as she willingly sat in the
proffered chair, and I resumed my own. Her posture remained straight,
but relaxed in a way that I envied, and I observed her attire for the
first time, and considered its appropriateness for a terminally ill
center.
"If you don't say something soon I'm going to start thinking
that I have something on my face or outfit."
Her easy openness surprised me, as few people had a quality to
be instantly at ease with a person as she appeared to. I felt
compelled to ask her about this, and without thought to my actions,
promptly did so.
"How do you manage to be so at ease with me, Ms. Tsukino? I
happen to know that most people think me a very intimidating person."
She seemed taken aback at my first comment, but quickly
adjusted and actually managed to smile at the comment, "Because, like
me, you are just a person, and in that sense, we are no different, and
so I can see you with all that I can see in myself."
I had surprised myself by asking such an interesting question,
and I realized that it was completely out of character, but I also knew
that I had been completely out of character all day, and I could not
seem to fall back into it. I managed to reflect a bit on her piece of
wisdom, before I moved back into the normal way of things, albeit a bit
reluctantly.
"Why exactly did you apply for an internship here?"
"I thought I already answered these questions when I was
interviewed," she joked, offering a small grin, "But truthfully, I like
offering hope."
I blinked a bit and saw her gentle intake and release of breath
for a moment before I replied, "Hope, Ms. Tsukino? Excuse me if I
don't particularly understand."
"Oh, I realize that a the most widely accepted job of doctors
is to, of course, heal. However, I believe that no person can be
healed completely until they are given a sense of hope that life really
isn't so bad. I like to give people hope, and I think that doctors
have the most chance of doing that, which is why I chose to become one,
and which is why I chose to become an intern in the terminally ill
ward."
"You do realize that most of the people in this ward don't
live, correct?"
"I am well aware that many people do die, Mr. Chiba, but they
also live."
I did not feel compelled to question her on that point, even
though I still did not understand, but I nodded anyway and continued my
line of questioning.
"Do you know what you are going to do here?"
"I told you already, I'm going to give hope. But if you mean
as a job, I'll be a temporary nurse, of course."
"How old are you?"
"I turned 24 on the last day of June."
"What do you hope to do after you finish the internship?"
She turned her wistful eyes onto the trinkets on my desk,
suddenly shy, "I hope to join Doctors Without Borders."
"Alright then, Ms. Tsukino, shall we get to work?"
"Please, call me Usagi."
***
"You're not leading a very healthy life."
I noticed that we were closer than before, although I have no
idea how we got to be that way. I saw her eyes a little more clearly,
and reveled in not being able to look away. I saw her strength,
suppressed but quivering just below the surface. I wanted to melt into
her and stay there, but I didn't know how to. I turned my attention to
her query.
"I'm a doctor; I'm healthy."
Her thin eyebrow quirked up and she spoke in a voice laced in
amusement, "Do you really think that?"
I examined my life, and replied, "Yes."
"You are a very naïve man."
"I am?"
She nodded regally, "You do not express compassion, even though
you want to. You suppress all of your instincts of kindness, and
instead only allow that which is socially accepted to make way through
your boundaries. You trap in almost all the good, and don't try to
build it up. Instead, you revel in cynicism, for it is all you see."
I couldn't seem to understand what she was saying, even though
I tried, or perhaps I didn't want to try. I saw that she wanted me to,
and so I tried, but I didn't want to understand, but I couldn't figure
out why.
"I am a realist."
Her laughter tinkled into my ears, making me yearn for another
laugh. I could live on her laughter, on the brightness of it, on the
life it exposed. She held so much life inside of her, so much desire
for things to be right, and she had an immense belief that things would
always become right in the end. I heard it all in a laugh, and I
wished to hear it again.
"You're afraid of living."
***
It had been a long day, and two patients had passed on during
its hours. Usagi had remained calm when she had called the parents of
the children, who to had seemed depressingly resigned to the fate of
the life they had brought to the world. She had consoled them in ways
I had not been able to comprehend, and in a way that I wished I
could have to myself.
I walked through the hall to the elevator, briefcase in hand,
hair ruffled and shirt unbuttoned. I wondered at how some of the
people in this ward continued to fight, even though the best of doctors
had declared them close to death. I realized I worked in a dismal
business, but it suited me like no other had.
A child's laughter wafted through the halls, and I followed the
sound to a small room and peered inside. I couldn't help
eavesdropping, and actually didn't really want to. A person is drawn
to happiness like a cat to a mouse, and I gladly succumbed to the
temptation.
I heard whispers, and opened the door slightly to hear more
clearly.
"How did you manage to smuggle these, Usagi?"
"Mr. Chiba already knows that I'm obsessed with ice cream, so
when I took a little extra today he didn't notice. Besides, what's
living without the possibility of getting in trouble?"
"Boring."
I could hear the adoration in the girl's voice, and I was awed
because of it. In a few short months Usagi had managed to win the
devotion of most of the people in the ward, adult, teen, and child.
She could relate to almost anyone, and I envied that while people came
to me for medicine, they came to her for comfort. And yet, she hadn't
just gotten devotion, but I knew that she had received the respect of
most of the hospital staff. She worked hard and diligently, without
managing to overdo it like I know I did. She was admired for helping
to raise hope.
"Ooooh! It's Rocky Road! I love you, Usagi."
I could hear the tears in her voice when she spoke next, "I
love you too, Hotaru."
Her emotions were always so open, and I noticed how she never
tried to hide them. She basked in her emotions and lived in them,
never ashamed of her tears, never embarrassed at lashing out. I found
everything about her endearing and open, and yet I still hadn't managed
to crack the mystery that was Usagi. I wanted to.
Her tone was soft as she spoke, "Don't eat it too quickly or
you'll get brain freeze. Goodnight Hotaru."
I stayed at the doorway as I heard her kiss the head of the
girl and then walk out. The door clicked shut, and when she turned,
she didn't seem very surprised to see me.
Her sweet smile lit her face, and I noticed a few tears stained
her cheeks, but she still seemed exuberant and happy. She had done for
the past months what she had said she would on that first day, she had
given hope and continued to do so. I managed to realize that I
respected her.
"You're not angry."
It wasn't a question, but I answered it anyway, "No."
"Would you like some Rocky Road? I have a little more in the
freezer."
I lifted my hand to her cheek and noticed her eyes spark some
shock in the action, but she did not pull away as I had expected,
instead she stood there and accepted my attention, even putting her
hand over my own. The heat of her skin seared mine, and I savored
every sensation, my hand surrounded in her warmth and light.
"Of course," she joked, "Who needs a freezer when you have
outside?"
We both turned our faces to the expanse of winter showed
through the windows and stared, watching the snowfall. In a cycle of
life, the world was in death, and yet there was still the promise that
soon something new and better would be born, and things would be
growing again.
I pulled her hand to my mouth and kissed it tenderly, threading
her fingers with my own. Walking away from the room of the girl, I
allowed myself to experience something different, and pulled her
towards the staff kitchen.
"It's been a long day. Ice cream sounds nice."
***
"Why can't you hope?"
We were closer again; I felt the wind that ruffled through her
hair finally make its way to me. Her hair brushed against my face, and
I smiled at it's length and feel. In a place where there was nothing
but her, all of my being was on just her. I didn't see the point of
trying to find anything else when she was so beautiful.
"I can."
"But why don't you?"
I knew why, but I didn't want to admit it. I rarely talked to
anyone about myself, as people rarely understand. No one wants to see
or hear the crumbling of a life, no one ever wants to listen to
something that could happen to them, and if they do, they never hear
the words. However, as I couldn't seem to stop myself, I confessed.
"I've lost too much to hope to gain."
"Life isn't complete without hurt. If you live your whole life
smoothly, it won't be a life or an existence. To grow you have to be
hurt, to grow you have to accept that you were hurt. For your whole
life you've grown through so much, but you've never accepted that which
will make you able to live again."
"I don't want to live again."
I wanted to cry, but the plane of existence I was standing on
wouldn't let me. I didn't know why, but expressing emotion seemed
impossible for me here. It was as if this was a book that was being
read, fact after fact displayed with no reaction, and yet, I wanted a
reaction.
"Then why haven't you died?"
***
"I love my garden, Mamoru. It's my sacred place; my thought
place. It's where there's always peace because my garden always
accepts. Look, I planted those seeds a week ago, and already they grow
and begin their life, which we both know will end in death. They'll
bring so many people happiness when they flower, and it makes me happy
when other people are happy."
I sat on a stone bench decorated with faeries in a magical
garden that wasn't really special except for the person who made it so.
I saw her wrist deep in dirt, no gloves, just feeling the life of the
Earth beneath her and pulling the weeds to allow the beauty to grow.
Her blond head was bent in concentration as she pulled the root
carefully, and I knew she felt me observing her. I always saw her.
"There are so many people who need a flower in their life."
I nodded and thought back to when she had finished her
internship and left to achieve her dream. She had written to me about
all of her experiences in other countries, offering hope to the people
there. Even without her in front of me, she was always with me for the
few years that she was gone. We had grown closer when we were farther
apart. My feelings of respect had grown to admiration, and I saw each
of her qualities and faults, as she saw her own as well. I knew almost
everything about her, and I was glad.
She stood up and wiped her hands on already dirty jeans, wiping
her brow with her forearm. She gave me a bright smile before walking
towards me and sitting next to me to examine her work.
It was spring now; things were just beginning to grow, and the
trees were beginning to live again. I saw the splendor just waiting to
emerge, waiting to break from the shell of childhood. Green was
everywhere, sprinkled with areas already blooming. Plants grew like
people, birth, childhood, adulthood, spreading seed, and dying.
"Hotaru came to see me yesterday. Her third remission has been
lasting for five years now."
"Usagi, are you ever lonely?"
She turned her brilliant live eyes onto my own dark blue pair,
"I'm never lonely, Mamoru. I have so many people around me, so much
intimacy with everyone, so many connections. There are so many
wonderful people in the world to learn and know, I could never be
lonely."
I dipped my head to hers and paused a bit before her lips, and
a moment of silence stretched before I continued. I felt the soft
petals of her mouth move beneath my own and I felt a contentment that
had never been there before. I pulled her body closer and felt her
heat envelope me, and I pulled her love for life into my own.
The seed that had been planted so many years ago because of
Rocky Road ice cream finally broke from its shell to begin a life full
of green. As I pulled away, I looked in her eyes and stared at myself,
and saw.
***
Our bodies were touching now, and the wind that had allowed her
hair to flow now allowed her hair to trap us into one knot of life that
wormed its way into every fiber of myself. I continued to stare into
her eyes, knowing that they would be all I would ever want to look at,
all I would ever want to see. I kissed her forehead lightly.
"How did I ever deserve you?"
She wrapped her arms around my neck, "You deserved me because
you finally accepted that you can loose everything. You finally
realized that in order to live you have to let those things happen.
Sure, you'll be sad if I go, but someday you'll realize that I made you
happy, and the memories we'll always share will make you happy until
the end of your days, and we will be together again in the life after
that and after that and after that."
If another had spoken her words, I would not have understood
them. I saw her for what she was, a person who searched for happiness
like all of us. She was compassionate and kind and accepted the things
in life for what they were, not what she wanted them to be. Her
happiness in her own life allowed her to give happiness to others.
I held her closer to myself.
"Are you happy?"
She smiled up at me and pressed her face into my chest, making
her next words muffled but clear, "You were a man who deceived himself
in more ways than should be possible. You were sad and closed to the
world, and I have made you happy. Making other people happy makes me
happy. And I'm happy because I have you, as I always hoped I would."
We watched each other in silence, just looking into each
other's eyes. Her hair still flowed around our bodies, and her arms
were still around my neck. I could feel her thoughts moving inside of
me, and I felt a smile curve its way around my neck as I finally
expressed emotion. I pulled her into my arms and spun her around, just
feeling.
"Ah, Usagi, I love you."
"And I love you, Mamoru."
***
I drank my coffee in my porcelain cup and winced at its
bitterness, but I drank it because I was addicted. I noticed a slight
sugary taste and raised an eyebrow towards my wife through the mirror.
I looked in the mirror and saw a life I never thought I would
see. I had found what I had been looking for, not love, or a way to
assuage loneliness, even though I had found those too, instead I now
had something that all people searched for, happiness.
I set the cup down onto my nightstand and pulled my spouse into
my arms. She wrapped her hands around my neck and we began dancing to
the sound of happiness. The stars outside of our home twinkled, and I
began to live a life I never thought I would.
Summer is hot, but it's the peak of life. Finally all the
plants are in full bloom and the world seems good again, even though
it's not perfect. Sometimes it doesn't rain for a long time and the
plants dry out, but always when it seems like it's almost autumn, it
rains and the plants continue to shine the happiness of life, and you
don't need a mirror to see it.
Eventually autumn will come, and things will begin to die, but
then I will see what I have and I'll know that everything is still
alive, so I should still live and not give up hope. And when winter
arrives, I'll reflect back on my life and I know I'll have a lot to
look at, and when I finally die, the seeds of my life will begin their
own pursuit for happiness, in a cycle that will never stop, and never
wants to.
----------------
Alright! Isn't that cool? I know it's not as long as most of my other
shorts (it's only ten pages), but I do believe that it gives a much
better message. If you didn't get the scenes where it was nothing but
Usagi and Mamoru, those were kind of like dream sequences... in them,
Mamoru worked through his feelings by the questions that Usagi asked.
I know I changed (totally!) the character of Usagi, but hey, creative
license here! I think that the clumsy and peppy Usagi that everyone
sees in the series and Manga is just her on the outside, it's clearly
superficial, although endearing. I think that I portrayed what she's
really like on the inside with this story.
REMEMBER E-MAIL IS GOOOOOOOD! E-MAIL ME E-MAIL ME E-MAIL MEEEE!
--Koneko
http://www.sailormoon.net/~koneko
divinepheonix@hotmail.com