By Tracy (biancaheart@yahoo.com)
Rating: PG13
Category: Kyle, slightly T/K, angst, "Departure" tag
Spoilers: "Departure"
Summary: How Kyle deals with Tess, his feelings, etc.
Disclaimer: I don't own Roswell. The song is by BBMak, and it kept on
going around in my head. I feel so bad for Kyle…
What am I supposed to do
With all these blues
Haunting me, everywhere, no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over
The clock kept on ticking.
It was an obnoxiously loud electric clock.
It was four in the morning.
He couldn't sleep.
He had a big test tomorrow, but he couldn't sleep. He didn't care about school.
He was still lying in the living room, wrapped up in his favorite yellow blanket, and with fateful Mr. Squishels by his side. He'd drunk cold milk, hot coca, and refrigerated graham crackers. He'd go to the drug store and buy some sort of sleeping pill if he had some kind of money. But he didn't. So he tried to go to sleep, and found himself studying the contours of the cold white ceiling.
For goodness sake, he'd even lit one of those aromatherapy candles that Amy had left over here after his Dad was fired. It was supposed to be tranquil, meditating, allowing your mind and soul to escape to another place. It didn't work. The candle had burned down low by now, and the wax was completely liquid. It was flickering, the last valiant fight of a fire about to be snuffed out.
He couldn't stand this house.
She was everywhere.
She didn't even have the decency to pack.
If she was going to screw them all over, she at least could have disposed of all her stupid things. They were memories, haunting him, taunting him.
This was his home. But he didn't feel safe. It didn't feel like home.
Her presence was in every room, an undeniable fact.
Her presence kept him awake, rooting for a flame that was not eternal
to burn forever.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
His dad awoke him for school…Kyle hadn't slept much…it wasn't until somewhere around 6 in the morning, when the gentle dawn light started to filter in, Kyle had been able to shut his eyes and leave consciousness behind him. He only got about an hour of sleep.
He went to the closet they both shared.
Her clothes, the little girlie tops, and the pants that were too narrow for wide male hips to fit into…he ripped them out of the closet.
She wouldn't be coming back.
For goodness sake, Tess was supposed to be part of the family.
Family. A group of people that cared about each other. A group of people that loved each other.
Family. It was all about people. He guessed that was the problem. Tess was a cold, calculating alien. She may have looked human, but her heart was alien.
He dressed and went to the kitchen. His father was reading the newspaper. Kyle didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. His father acted exactly the same when Kyle's mother left. As if denial would keep him safe.
Kyle walked silently over to the refrigerator, and poured himself a glass of orange juice. With a reluctant grunt, he reached back up to the top shelf and pulled down a bottle of Tabasco. He sprinkled a few drops of the bright red liquid into the juice.
Bright red.
Bright red like blood.
Alex's blood.
Tess caused so much pain.
All because she wasn't friggin human.
As he sipped his juice, Kyle could hear a soft whisper, an echo of the past…
"You're definitely my favorite human."
Seen a lot of broken hearts go sailing by
Phantom ships, lost at sea
And one of them is mine
Raising my glass, I sing a toast to the midnight sky
I wonder why
The stars don't seem to guide me
They had all gone to see a movie, but no one could really pay attention. Even the antics of Heath Ledger could not distract their minds.
Everyone was hurting. Hearts were broken.
Liz hurt because she didn't have Max. In their own little connection, a realm that Kyle couldn't begin to understand or fathom, they needed each other.
Max was hurting because he didn't have Liz. And because he didn't have his son…Tess' child… because Tess had betrayed him.
Tess had betrayed them all.
She took away Alex…their friend…her friend. For what? A one way ticket to a planet not smart enough to send another spaceship? For a world that she'd only heard about? For phantom memories of the past and pipe dreams of the future? For power? To be cruel?
He watched Isabel on the roof of the car, tears streaming down her face. She was staring up at the stars. Kyle was reminded of a story he'd read once, in a book or some magazine he read in the bathroom. It was about a sailor's wife, who stared out at the sea each and everyday, looking for her husband. Her husband had been lost at sea, and would never return. The woman grew old, alone, with a house, dreams, and a future crumbling around her. Was that what would happen to Isabel?
Of all people that would take a one way ticket out of here and never look back, Kyle was sure that Michael would be the quickest. But Michael had stayed. Even before the announcement of Tess' betrayal, Michael had stayed. Perhaps the stars weren't the love and welcoming home Michael wished for, Kyle pondered.
He too, stared up at the velvet painting above them.
She was somewhere out there, somewhere near one of those stars.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
He never meant to like her.
She blew him off big time when she moved here, and Kyle Valenti gave second chances to nobody. He had pride…
But she broke down his will of pride.
He tried so hard to remain distant. To keep his friends and girlfriends away from him. He couldn't let anybody get too close. People left. It was a fact of life. Sooner or later, people get sick of seeing you and leave without saying goodbye.
Kyle's mother never said goodbye. She just left.
He hated the raw and empty feeling he had- not having his mother here. He was so angry at her. What is more important than raising a child? Obviously she had other priorities. Maybe she was an actress. Maybe she was a prostitute. Maybe she was in jail. Maybe she had another family…a family…another son who was better than he was.
Kyle didn't even trust his Dad too much. He didn't let anybody in.
But she had wiggled her way into his heart.
She made him laugh.
She knew his favorite food, and cooked it for no other reason than the fact that he liked it.
He had a partner, a Ricky to his Lucy, A Shirley to his Laverene.
He loved her…in a way that he couldn't fully describe. He felt things for her, things that he hadn't felt for anyone else…it was huge…it was phenomenal…and he lied about it.
Tess was like a sister to him, but she was more.
Every smile, every hug, every trip to the grocery store broke down his iron will.
And step by step, Tess Harding was engraved on Kyle Valenti's heart.
She used him, bruised him, and spit him up.
The ghost of you and me
When will it set me free
I hear the voices call
Following footsteps down the hall
Trying to save what's left of my heart and soul
He felt like he was going crazy.
He saw Tess everywhere. In the hallway at school. In the library. In the Crash Down. In the kitchen, in the bathroom…everywhere.
He heard her voice, musical and lyrical, with an accent from somewhere he couldn't quite determine.
He followed Pam Troy down the hallway for 10 minutes because he thought that Pam was Tess.
"Let me tell you something, Buddha Boy, my lamp needs some serious trimming."
"Calvin Klein. I approve."
"We're dancing."
"Please, please, please, drive me to the mall?"
"This is a great gift to me too."
"I'll be your best friend!"
"Well, excuse me!"
"You're definitely my favorite human."
Tess betrayed him.
Tess killed Alex.
Tess mindwarped him, and had him drag Alex's body like luggage.
Tess lied.
Tess mindwarped him.
But why couldn't he let her go?
He should be able to write her off as a blond with a thing for killing off her friends.
It just wasn't like Tess. The Tess he knew.
The Tess who haunted him step by step, each and every minute of the
day.
Watching the candle flicker out in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will this night be over
It had been a week. He still couldn't sleep.
He bought so many candles at Amy's shop that she had to order more.
The wax dripped. Drip, drip, drip. The flame flickered.
The night was endless, and the events constantly repeating for the insomniac.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me
He took it on himself to go through her stuff.
There were her clothes. He doubted that anybody would want any of those. Bad memories. They could go to Goodwill.
Romance novels. Kyle decided to give them to Maria.
The entertainment magazines and fashion magazines would go to Isabel.
He decided to burn the Max Evans scrapbook, with thousands of little Max faces staring up from the pages.
The Cd's- Kyle kept groups that he liked and decided that everyone could fight over the rest for themselves.
There were only two items left- a snapshot of himself and Tess.
He started to rip it in two, but couldn't. He flung it up on the bed, and the smiling picture of the two teenagers fell in between the bed and the wall.
The other item was his jersey- the jersey that Tess liked to wear in place of a nightgown. It was his again now. He wouldn't let her ruin his memories he had while wearing that jersey. So what if she looked fantastic in it?
He heard his Dad's key in the door, and Kyle shut the door behind him. Soon all physical evidence of Tess living here would be gone. Just the way he wanted it.
Later that evening, Kyle returned to his room…her room…whatever it was. It was late at night, and insomnia still ruled his mind.
He crouched down and pulled on the jersey.
The familiar feel of the mesh soothed him.
But it was her familiar scent, the faint smell of Strawberry Body Wash, that allowed him to close his eyes and relax.
She was his sentence and his salvation…
His enemy and his hero…
His tears and his smiles…
And the ghost of her presence in the small Valenti house kept him awake and helped him to sleep.
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And baby there's a name for what you put me through
It isn't love, it's robbery
I'm sleeping with the ghost of you and me